NaRe 2020 Day 19

A story about someone who’s getting strongarmed into not being a trainer, a story about someone kicked out of home for wanting to be a trainer, gardevoir continue to be a magnet for people’s shitty thoughts on gender, a lot of wonky phrasing.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13484180/1/Radiance-Capture-On (0)

[“Have you decided how you’re going to introduce Tessa?” Mom asks.

My hand slips into my pocket where Tessa’s poké ball resides. After remembering what happened last time I released her in front of someone here in Reveriena, I realize I really only have one choice. I take the ball out and pinch it between two fingers.

“Yeah. Maybe you should take her poké ball after all.” If I didn’t have it on my person, I wouldn’t be seen as some weirdo or whatever. “I haven’t had to return her for years, right?”

“No, you have to keep it. What if something happens and you need to return her? You’re her trainer, right? Reveriena is much more different from Sinnoh, okay? I don’t know how many times I need to tell you this. Just keep it in your pocket.”]

This seems to go weird right at the end. Eyrn’s trying to hand off the pokeball because she’s concerned about how different things are from Sinnoh, her mom shuts that down hard, then chastises her about remembering how this place is different from Sinnoh.

Right now it seems like it’d flow more logically for her mom to suggest leaving the pokeball and her to reject that on the basis something could happen. Emotionally, if Eyrn’s feeling horribly out of place and like everyone hates what she loves while her mom thinks this is fine, it’d flow better to have her suggest leaving the pokeball because everything’s so different here and her mom telling her it’s no big deal, why is she acting so put-upon, Reveriena isn’t that much different from Sinnoh if you’d only give it a chance already, just don’t challenge anyone to a pokemon battle haha.

And while I do really love the fish out of water of this, and particularly given most fics take place in cultures where pokemon battle is normal so just being in a ranger-styled area alone is a nice change of pace, I think this could do with more culture shock. Right now it’s mostly the very beginning, where Eyrn’s uncomfortable, and the very end, when she blurts out the truth and then backpeddles about how it’s a joke obviously no one could mean that lol, as well as her just being generally unhappy that everyone else thinks ranger stuff is great.

But like… So, even just having pokeballs is looked down on here. But [What if something happens and you need to return her?] is a reminder that pokeballs have a utility beyond battling. How does Eryn feel about how other people don’t have any ability to recall their pokemon in an emergency? How do the locals feel about “but what about an emergency” arguments – I mean, evidently it doesn’t fly, but why, do they think it’s paranoid or that the cost/benefit is messed up, in the same way that yes technically you might need a gun for self-defense but you’re holding something invented to kill people, and yes technically something could come up but in practice if your pokemon is hurt it’s because you’re making them battle, does Eryn think in return that they’re naive and irresponsible? Does she agree that okay technically pokemon rangering works as well at protecting from wild pokemon but ugh so boring, or does she think that they’re foolish for relying on just that?

Similarly, I would’ve liked her to be struggling more to fit in during the middle, like reflexively seeing other people with pokemon and starting to go into “our eyes locked! We must battle!” mode, or perhaps having to jump in to stop Tessa from challenging them?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13484181/1/In-Which-Black-Falls-Off-A-Roof (2)

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13484253/1/Gwen (0)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[However, life was already starting off rough for this Ralts, for you see, she had no one to call her true family. In this hidden section of wooded mountains, a small gathering from the Ralts evolution line all lived together, working together like a small tribe. Everyone did their share, and it was a calm peaceful life. Unfortunately for this Ralts, no one was ever sure of who her father was, and her mother passed giving her life for the protection and birth of this egg. So, it was decided that the eldest Gallade would take care of the egg and the child, which so happened to be the main leader of the tribe. He was well versed in combat, but had already raised and sent off two children, so this was nothing new for him.]

…okay, it’s really weird that you’d say “no one to call her true family”, let alone that things were rough for her, when she’s adopted at birth by the tribe leader who is already an experienced parent and who loves her deeply to the point he ends up sitting at her bedside for days when her evolution goes strange despite her severely harming him.

[ she kept it a secret, as it was normally a job for the males to train and be combat-ready]

It’s really tiresome when every setting no matter how alien takes it as given that sexism exists precisely as it does in our world, and even more so when it’s a “not like the other girls” setup as opposed to even trying to criticize that. And you do know that gardevoir can be male, right?

Write out numbers with letters.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13484568/1/More-Than-Meets-the-Eye (0)

So is the fact you only posted three words a glitch or…?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13484577/1/Misty-Terrain (0)

[Hammerlocke city ]

You capitalize all of a name, not just the first word.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[ “It says here there was a bloody battle where a knight who fancied the princess was slain, and his spirit haunts the castle to search for her. Opal would eat that up for sure…”

“Exactly! However, we probably should tone it down since she said some kids might show up.” Raihan held his chin in his hand, lost in thought.

“Why not change it up a bit?” she offered.

A dark brow raised in curiosity. “How so?”

“Well, at risk of sounding corny, why not have it the Aegislash was put on trial?” Trying not to sound like an idiot, she added. “The Princess was his lawyer, and the Knight was to bring the paperwork but overslept. Thus the Princess and Aegislash ditched town and Knight arrived too late and now wanders to find her and apologize for sleeping in.”

Giving a faint chuckle, Raihan admitted, “That’s very corny, and I approve. Much better than bloodshed and trauma.”]

…so is it that they hate children enjoying things, or just don’t remember any of their own childhood? “Wow, instead of an exciting swordfight there was a bunch of jokes about paperwork and being late for work for the adults to laugh about.”

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13484597/1/Gardevoir-Tries-to-Find-an-Apple (2)

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13484603/1/Hammerlocke-University (0)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13484697/1/Pressure (0)

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

It’s “okay”, four letters.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13484715/1/You-can-be-a-Hero (0)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Each Pokemon has a specific nature that they abide by. It classifies them, creates them, and distinguishes them from all other Pokemon. It’s the very soul that embodies these beings. Also, since I don’t want any discrepancies or anomalies, it’d be nice if you didn’t turn into mush, wouldn’t you say?]

Your dialogue is pretty wonky. “classifies, creates, distinguishes” is a very weird string, since usually creation has to happen before anything else can. And then “since I don’t want any discrepancies or anomalies, it’d be nice if you didn’t turn into mush”, that “since” means it reads almost like a threat, as in, /if/ there are discrepancies which I don’t like /then I will/ turn you to mush to fix that. Another reading would be that turning into mush is an annoying anomaly with it now being unclear what causes the mush-turning. I don’t think you meant either of those. Just “I don’t want any discrepancies or anomalies, it’d be nice if you didn’t turn into mush, wouldn’t you say?” would be better because now the implication is discrepancies themselves cause the turning into mush, which I figure is what you meant. You could also improve it by not connecting two sentences with a comma and having it be “I don’t want any discrepancies or anomalies. It’d be nice if you didn’t turn into mush, wouldn’t you say?”

And this kind of thing just keeps cropping up throughout. I’d really suggest a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13484945/1/No-Escape (0)

[Another warning: This story is bordering to rape. If ever some of you are triggered, GET OUT! NOW! And have a nice day. ]

I appreciate that you’re trying to give content warnings, but this could be clearer. Do you mean “there is attempted rape” or “the sex that does happen has consent issues but stops short of rape” or some other permutation? Because those can affect people very differently. For example, I could easily see people being okay with reading Spark menacing Blanche but very upset with Candela blaming them equally for acting strange and locking them in a room together or with Blanche throwing herself at him as soon as he kissed her. Other people might be fine with someone suddenly being very into getting cornered and kissed, but not the leadup where Spark makes it clear he’s fine with raping her if she wasn’t into it.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13484980/1/The-Next-Eternity-Over

[“I won’t hurt you!”

But I would.]

So, that would mean the trainer won’t hurt the pokemon, but the pokemon will hurt them. Given the rest of the paragraph and the following are about being hurt by trusting in a trainer, I don’t think that’s what you meant. “But I would be.” is needed to make the statement a contradiction to the previous line.

[The bright lights for display keep my eyes to the lower half of the glass]

[And Yungoos isn’t fully resigned to the loneliness just yet.]

[I show Croc how to see the clock on the other side of the room. It’s hard to see with the lights, but if I cusp my paw and crouch down to the lower left corner, it’s easier to see. ]

So, I think it would help to give a bit more detail about the setup, because I’m not sure if you meant this to be “awful” or “sanity-shredding torture awful”.

The repeated talk about the specific angle of the lights and how little can be done about it, the lack of any mention of touch, the lack of any mention of anything else, the fact none of the pokemon do anything but stare out or try to get attention, and the bit about the yungoos’ loneliness make it sound like they’re all in separate (and otherwise empty) cages. Their ability to see each other well and the fact they’re not completely nuts suggests they’re together in a larger area.

The impression I get from the fic is the misery is supposed to center around the rejection by their trainer, so it’d be good if you establish the place is providing a halfway decent living environment and that’s just not enough for them to actually be happy. Space to move, anything to do beyond squint into glaring lights, the ability to interact with each other, etc. Right now it feels more like the horror is that after being rejected by a trainer you’re trapped in a circle of hell.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13485125/1/Ketchum-Tales (0)

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never. You should also ease up on the commas.

Write out numbers with letters.

[ his black lofers, ]

Spellcheck.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13485139/1/Glory-Rosemary (1)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Write out numbers with letters.

[I’m not exactly a fangirl of Leon ]

I think this is a lot more negative sounding than you meant it. She sounds quite positive in her descriptions of him and in a few paragraphs will be getting nervous at the idea she’ll finally meet him, but “not exactly a fangirl” means something closer to “I dislike the man” than “is great but not to the point I’m obsessed with him”, which I’m guessing is what you were going for.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[Oh. My. Arceus.]

Really not a thing. Look, if you can’t imagine people not going ohmygod at things, just have them say ohmygod at things. Arceus isn’t that.

[“I’m not gonna return Blanche, and I’ll be a trainer. Whether you like it or not,” I state, not backing down. I’m so close to finally be a trainer and be able to have Pokémon battles, and she’s about to take it all from me.

“Leave, then,” she turns her back on me.]

So this is intensely weird behavior, and does not seem to line up with her claim her mom just doesn’t want her to have a pokemon because they’re dangerous. It sounds like her mom is actually mentally ill and can’t handle being around pokemon personally – there’s really no way someone would rationally ban their kid from having pokemon because it’s unsafe and then follow it up by kicking them out of the house to go get murdered by all the wild pokemon they’ll encounter traveling on the routes. But you also said they keep a pet munchlax, which is going to be about as strong if not stronger than some starter she got five minutes ago. And it can’t be that it’s some particular issue about fire pokemon because nothing about the conversation seemed to strike Gloria as a sign her mother was behaving differently from how she always acts.

I’d suggest putting more thought into the mother’s thought processes. It sounds like the issue is she’s afraid of all pokemon except her pet, possibly because she’s been developing this issue over time and her pet’s the exception she knows she can trust. In that case, Gloria should know it’s not so much “my mom doesn’t like pokemon” as it is “something is wrong with my mom”, even if she doesn’t fully understand. She might still talk about it like she does to Leon to try to downplay the situation, but she should know there’s more to it – at the least, it shouldn’t be a total surprise her mom’s reaction to a pokemon would be disproportionate and irrational, even if it’s still frustrating and hurtful, and that it doesn’t make sense to be acting like the real issue is her mom opposing her dream of being a trainer.

2 Comments

  1. CrazyEd says:

     gardevoir continue to be a magnet for people’s shitty thoughts on gender

    Ironically, doesn’t the ralts like canonically read just, like… passively people’s minds and avoid people it with thoughts it doesn’t want to be near? That sounds like a skill I’m pretty sure  every woman who has been on a tinder date would kill for.

    working together like a small tribe

    A tribe would also imply some sense of shared extended family. Just looking at her adoptive father, he has two natural kids. If one of those kids had a kid, and then died, that kid would still have at the very least a grandfather as well as an uncle or aunt. Was her mother an only child with two dead only-child parents?

    “not exactly a fangirl” means something closer to “I dislike the man” than “is great but not to the point I’m obsessed with him”

    Which is really weird, when you think about it.

    1
  2. A Wild Birb Appears says:

    reflexively seeing other people with pokemon and starting to go into “our eyes locked! We must battle!” mode

    That’s a strangely endearing image to me, I don’t know why.

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