NaRe 2020 Day 20

More fics brushing up against the “people and pokemon” issue, but all in a different way than usual. Run-on sentences long enough to strangle. A story about a hacked pokemon who still functions like their own person and a story that’s supposedly about pokemon being real where the pokemon are mindless balls of obedience.

 

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13485166/1/Distortion-Project (3)

Putting quotation marks around thoughts is a bad idea because it makes it seem like they’re being said aloud. Just italics works fine.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts.

[Although, this time as I smiled it felt…different. Like the muscles in my lips and face were not in exactly the right place as they should be.

“Damn, I must still be disoriented from that fall. Hopefully my face isn’t actually banged up that much.”]

So, I know “hit head” is the go-to for waking up somewhere, but a throbbing headache without any sense of physical injury to go with it and now they’re noticing something’s wrong with their control of and/or sensory perception of their muscles… I’d think it’s time to be worrying they had a stroke instead. That’d be a nice change of pace and it’d add extra concern when they go on to discover their vision being compromised and their body not moving right, and raise the possibility they can’t trust what little they can perceive.

Write out numbers with letters.

[Hesitantly, I lifted my hind leg and looked down my belly. With a relieved sigh I let my leg drop back down.

“Oh thank God, I still have my boys. I’m not sure I could have handled any more major body modifications today.”]

I mean, a lot of male animals don’t have super visible parts, and that tends to be especially pronounced in male animals that do a lot of fighting because you don’t want anything easily targeted. So, it’d be more likely he’d have at least a moment of panic as he tried to interpret what’s going on down there.

[a zoroark is Pokémon ]

Just like the individual types of pokemon shouldn’t be capitalized, neither should the general term. Also, you want “a pokemon” there.

[“I… I won? I won. Ha! I won! I can’t believe that actually worked! Take that you furry psychopath!” I exclaimed with elation as I reveled in my victory.]

Not sure this was the right move. Even assuming he got a free packet of subconscious skills in the transfer, he doesn’t have fighting experience as a human, it seems unlikely his body is a high level one, and he should have some difficulty even being violent in the same way you’d hesitate to bite someone. Given all that, I’d say it’d be impressive enough for him to just hold her off for a bit. If he needed to win this fight for the sake of the plot it might be justifiable, but you establish the noctowl will save him if he can’t handle it and the same noctowl will jump in to stop him from being captured now.

Plotwise, I really think this could’ve been streamlined. You end with him leaving with Breezeway and he was invited back to the village, so I think a lot of the less immediately relevant chatter with Breezeway, like about Breezeway’s backstory, would be better revealed next chapter. For the initial encounter, sticking to the problem at hand and moving quickly to a pokemon trainer would have a better flow.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13485383/1/Mr-Walker-s-Gardevoir-Wife (0)

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13485507/1/Pokemon-Arc-1-The-Dawn-of-Shadows (0)

[Then, the infinitude found release finally the darkness broke.  ]

You really need to proofread better.

[Chaos, the constant enemy of life. ]

I mean…you understand that corpses are very unchaotic, right? Living things involve a degree of change.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[A young Aron, named Aaron, (A/N: I know, sounds ironic.) ]

Don’t put author’s notes in the middle of your story text.

[around 5′ 7”, ]

If you’re giving height down to the precise inch, it’s not “around”.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13485669/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Doldrums-Distorters-of-Sanity (0)

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[He looked them over again, noting that most of them seemed to have styled their fur and manes. It seemed that what he had at first dismissed as a common pack of stray Pokemon was in fact more than that. He sighed, partially in exasperation at having to apologise to those he had initially dismissed as beneath him, but mostly in disappointment at himself, as it seemed that he still retained the elitism he had hoped he had grown beyond as a person. ]

But if they were regular stray pokemon it’d have been fine to mock them for being homeless and struggling in a world where they have no rights? He is talking to a former vulpix who, because she’s now human-shaped, gets to live in a house and clean herself up and do all those things, so why would he think it was okay to insult and dismiss precisely as intelligent people for the fact his own society denies them any chance at that?

Jesus.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13485814/1/Glitch (2)

Hm. Not sure what to make of this.

[And what do you mean, you ‘designed’ and ‘generated’ him?”  ]

Between this kind of thing and the title itself, I get the impression this is supposed to be a play on hacking pokemon into existence, but that’s a bit meta if we’re to take the rest of the world as real. I think it’d help if you actually answered this question instead of just coasting along on the references to illegal pokemon. Given pokeballs are sometimes said to digitize pokemon, tweaking or cloning that data would work and if anything would further the hacking metaphor given how one of the most basic and earliest mastered kinds of pokemon data manipulation was just working out how to clone pokemon by messing with trading.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13485895/1/Together-Again (1)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13485924/1/Illusion (0)

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[I eventually stand up with only a pokeball in hand, just to see what looks like a Zorua charging at me. I toss the pokeball underhanded to test my luck, Zoroark always was a good pokemon. It seemed like fate was on my side for once, as the pokeball shook three times then went still. ]

I mean that’s less “fate” and more “the author decided to hand out their favorite pokemon despite it being at once deeply unlikely and massively overused”.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[I released my newest buddy to get to know them better. When I freed it, it seems like it knew what happened to it and was slightly resigned.]

It’s really underwhelming to have a fic where the entire premise is that you’re actually in the pokemon world and yet it still plays out mechanically with no more depth than the games, so pokemon appear out of nowhere, hate you enough to sprint blindly at you on sight, then getting a pokeball thrown in their face makes them stand quietly and obey you.

[And with his abillity, it will make it all the easier, just have Zorua transform into a pokemon that would give him good moves to copy. ]

Illusion and transform don’t work the same. Also, run spellcheck on your writing next time.

[I look towards my bag and see something that must have fallen out, its not too far away from me so I reach towards the bag like thing. As I bring it closer to me I realize that it was poke-food, specifically for a dark type. I don’t recall seeing this in my bag earlier, oh well, no need to look a gift horse in the mouth.]

It’s not very interesting for someone to just always get precisely what they need. At the least, if you must do something like this you could at least have a smidgen of suspense by having him actually express how weird it is or be concerned about what it means, instead of shrugging and expecting the universe to keep making sure everything is bland and easy for him.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13486097/1/Light-of-Hope (0)

It’s “okay”, four letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You really really really really do not need to rehash the opening of the games yet again. It’s been done. Please just start where your story actually diverges.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13486105/1/A-Pokemon-Fairytale (0)

You really need a less generic title.

[Once upon a time, in a land far away, there lived a young girl who dreamed of having an adventure outside her hometown, her name was Amelia, her hair was brown as an eevee’s fur as it touched the sky just right, her eyes hazel as a gentle spirit, she wore her favorite outfits with her own flair and beauty as every young man noticed, they would fix their hair, check their teeth, and try to impress her, all she did was shake her head and quietly decline their requests, Amelia walked to her favorite hill and looked at the beautiful sunset sky, the clouds were mixed with pinks and purples which made it feel peaceful. ]

Well that was certainly one impressive run-on sentence. Strongly suggest you get a beta reader.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

One Comment

  1. APen says:

    [I mean…you understand that corpses are very unchaotic, right? Living things involve a degree of change.]

    Reminds me of how in Terry Pratchett’s Discworld books, the Auditors of Reality are always trying to end humanity, because we make things messy and disordered.

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