NaRe 2020 Day 21

A story about Natural Harmony, a tropius.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13486129/1/People-and-Humans (3)

Oh, that is a lovely phrase I will have to start using every chance I get.

I really, really wonder what N’s “family” actually thinks is going on here. It doesn’t seem like he does anything too weird, at least assuming the original kid was pretty dopey (or their memories of who he was since I’m unsure if he’s replacing someone or been slotted into the universe – the green hair kind of points to him being slotted in, but it could also be that he got shoved into the most kind of sort of grass pokemony body in the transfer) and with an overbearing father like Ghetsis I could see a kid being very passive and too timid to ask questions so they end up seeming like they can’t retain information.

[In front of it was a gaggle of creatures with various colors of plumage, and, he was relieved to see, some actual people.

Among the creatures, who were talking and laughing with each other, were a number of snivy, oshawott, and tepig.

Excited, he ran up to them, gabbling and dropping to his absurd knees to be more at eye level.

“Hello! I was wondering if you could point me toward the Explorers’ Guild, I was separated from my team and—uh…”]

This is so great.

[Harmony took a deep breath. “My name is Natural Harmony, a tropius.]

So, so great.

[ In the yard, a swipe from one child had drawn blood on the other, and he had run back to his creature. Instead of taking the oshawott up in their arms, as a parent should have done, they were yelling for him to fight on.]

And so horrifying!

So yes, this is lovely.

(you’re cyberbullying me with the semicolons tho)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13486143/1/The-deadly-revenge-of-team-rocket (0)

Capitalize your title correctly.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Spellcheck.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13486179/1/Reassurance-PMD (1)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Luc (A male Riolu) prodded up to one sleeping Croconaw (Samson). ]

I think you meant “plodded” and you rarely need parenthesis in writing. In this case, that information works fine directly in the sentence – “Luc, a male riolu, plodded up to one sleeping croconaw, Samson.”

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13486274/1/They-See-Me-Rollin-They-Sleeping (0)

I’m going to class this as “poetry”.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13486537/1/I-choose-Pok%C3%A8mon (0)

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Spellcheck.

Your first chapter should be longer than two hundred words and involve something actually happening, rather than cutting off right before.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13486725/1/Virtual-Bladder (0)

…so, this is less definitely pornographic than I would expect, so it doesn’t perhaps need a higher rating, but it still seems to be entirely a kink thing with weird kink logic where doors know what’s happening and refuse to open, nobody can figure out that peeing in a container is an option, and also it’s great how there’s urine forever marring the carpet now, so labeling it T like it’s a regular story is kind of questionable.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13486821/1/The-Storm (1)

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[“Mom!” He cried out, then remembered she wasn’t home yet. ]

[“Mom!” Ben called out again, causing Herdy to yip louder.  ]

So, I get that he’s pretty upset, but he’s just said his mom isn’t there and he’s currently looking for Herdy so you’d expect that’s the name he’d call out. It also undercuts him calling out for his mom at the end – him calling out for someone he knows isn’t there because things have gotten so much worse and it’s all he can think to do is a good moment, but not if he’s doing it the whole time regardless of the situation.

[The fishtank had exploded water and glass and little rocks all over the floor, and the two little corsola were on their backs, and Dad’s magikarp was thumping around in the mess. He was going to be so mad when he got home!]

So, it’s unclear how old Ben is but even very little kids generally have a grasp of empathy when it’s pets. If nothing else, his parents should’ve told him how very important it is these pokemon stay in the tank and how they’re very happy there and no they would not appreciate coming out for just a bit just to avoid him trying to take them out. Also, he’s home alone, which suggests a certain minimum competence. Having him just worry that his dad will be upset and not that these pokemon are distressed and also on top of broken glass just like the broken glass he cut himself on minutes ago… Well, it may be an overreaction that the magikarp decides it’s evolution and murder time, but it’s understandable.

Also, it seems people should really know better than to keep magikarp like this. Sure, people keep dangerous pets but usually not when they’re also parents of young kids. This seems kind of like someone’s fully-grown anaconda getting loose – okay, if there wasn’t an earthquake it wouldn’t have gotten out of its tank, but giant murder snake and small murderable child was obviously a bit of a risk.

Obviously you want a magikarp who gyaradoses out, but, maybe a better option would be to make it part of the storm? As is, it’s a bit weird to have an earthquake and massive storm happen together, but if instead this was a hurricane, you’d still have broken windows and walls shaking badly enough to knock tanks over, but it might also suck up smaller pokemon in the same way there’s the occasional rain of fish in our world.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13486821/2/The-Storm

Ooh, that got fucked up fast, and it’s nice to now see more empathy out of poor Ben. Really curious what Raikou’s agenda here is.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13486829/1/A-Bunch-of-Stories (0)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You have a lot of typos in this. Proofread better.

Write out numbers with letters.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13486885/1/The-Flower (1)

I don’t know if there was something you were trying to accomplish that’s just not landing for me, but having almost all your story be one-line paragraphs comes off as incredibly jarring and annoying.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

I’m not sure if the issue was just that you were really struggling with the prompt or what but the whole of this is very clunky and the flower thing is extremely forced, and you don’t seem to use the pokemon particularly well either – you describe the cubone as having the standard skull and femur, but without any explanation of where it’s from given the mother is still very much alive at this point. Now, there’s obviously a lot of logical problems with the idea that the skull is the mother’s, so going with another explanation is fine, but there really should be one. And, given the flower and the bit about her dying before he can be taught about it, it feels like there’s a huge missed opportunity to not go with the idea the skull is a memento of his mother, where the way his mother wants things to go is with symbolism and gentleness and pretty flowers and then rather than a flower crown the way things actually go is him instead carrying this gruesome literal symbol of how he’ll always remember his mother who died trying to save him.

Also, I really don’t think you needed what looks like several pages of author’s notes here.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13487148/1/Pokemon-Destiny-Calls (1)

[All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form on by an electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author.]

…okay, so I really don’t think you thought through blindly copying the standard boilerplate you find at the front of a published book. This is at once a complete waste of time and actively wrong.

[Contents

Prologue: The Towers …pg. 5

Chapter 1: Beginnings…pg. 7
Chapter 2: Winter Fire…pg. 11

Chapter 3: Mythical Memory Dream….pg. 15]

Seriously, why. What are you even doing. There are no pages here.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13487647/1/Pokemon-Anubis-The-Lucario-Battle-Academia (0)

[One day in the pokemon governed region known as the Kosmos Region. ]

This is a sentence fragment, and also, probably should be “pokemon-governed”.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13487664/1/The-Road-To-Becoming-A-Master-Of-Pok%C3%A9mon-Kanto-Arc (0)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[It was late at night around 10:00pm, a boy with the name Ash Ketchum was sitting in his room watching he Pokémon League Finals. The battle was between a Gengar and a Onix and they were battling it out to win the title of the Kanto league champion. Ash was going for the trainer with the Gengar as it was one of his favourite Pokémon and right as it looked like Gengar was going to win the TV turned off. Ash turned around and saw his Mom standing there with the unplugged TV cord in her hand. “Ash you were supposed to be asleep an hour ago!, you have to be up early tomorrow to get your first Pokémon and start your adventure like the rest of your friends” She said.]

You really do not need to copy the opening of the anime yet again. Where does your story diverge? That’s where it should begin.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13487727/1/Flowers-For-Jessica (0)

Hey look, it’s more about canon characters. Check it out if that’s your thing.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13487745/1/Fogbound-Lake (0)

Okay basically the same thing but about the Lake Trio legendaries.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13487831/1/Caliginis

[The doorbell rings *ding dong*

*Progressive footstep sounds* *Door opens as Ellie (Gabriel’s Mom) greets Gabriel with open arms*]

You need to use narration properly. This isn’t a script.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

And you really need to proofread better, as well as get a beta reader to help with more systemic errors.

[“Uh.. The journey’s going great dad, I just caught a Snover and Snorunt recently in the wild, but that has costed me all my pokeballs.” Gabriel said, enthusiastically.]

For example, this should be more like [“Uh.. The journey’s going great, Dad. I just caught a snover and snorunt recently in the wild, but that cost me all my pokeballs,” Gabriel said, enthusiastically.]

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13488181/1/Pokemon-Let-s-Go-Squirtle (0)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

The flow of your plot here is odd – you introduce a girl running away with pokemon after Team Rocket’s attacked, then Team Rocket finds them, then jump to a marowak looking for her kid and coming upon them, then the marowak leaves them to go find her kid elsewhere and the rest of the story is just about what happens to her and her kid and the chapter ends explaining this is the origin of the Pokemon Tower, even though going by your summary the only important character is the squirtle trailing after the girl at the beginning.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13488184/1/Pokemon-Blaze-Gold-and-Storm-Silver (0)

[Gym leaders, elite four members, the champion, and team rocket will have stronger and more diverse pokemon. ]

So this kind of thing is fine, but you need to keep in mind that you’re writing a story and not a design document so you really did not need to follow this up by listing what pokemon the gym leaders have. That’s the kind of thing that should be found out when they show up in your story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Okay mom! ]

For example, here you’re using that in place of her name, so it’s “Mom”.

This is a bit of a slow opening, but I appreciate that it’s showing how he works with his pokemon and that all of them are getting experience before they officially set out on their journey, and I appreciate even more that it managed to not involve them waking up or several paragraphs of sitting around eating breakfast.

6 Comments

  1. CrazyEd says:

    Ooh, that got fucked up fast, and it’s nice to now see more empathy out of poor Ben. Really curious what Raikou’s agenda here is.

    … Since I’m FGO playing trash, my immediate thought was “Minamoto no”, and horror.

    Welp.

  2. illhousen says:

    Seriously, why. What are you even doing. There are no pages here.

    OK, what the fuck happened here? At first I thought they probably just copied a Word document with a fancy table of contents and so on, but then I actuallty checked it out and, like, you’d need 24 size fonts to make page numbers fit. No way those chapters take up four pages each.

    1. CrazyEd says:

      I could tell you that. The prologue (which he says is two pages) is only a single screen long. After I set the story width to half-width, and only if you count the Privacy Policy banner that FFN wants me to accept as the bottom of the page.

  3. A Wild Birb Appears says:

    Wait, is that one written in amateur-online-roleplayer script or not? Why have *Progressive footstep sounds* and normal dialogue tags? 

     

    Also, do you have a version of the dialogue advice where the actual examples are somewhat separated? I’d like to know what it says, but I pretty much can’t process what you’re actually saying with everything all clumped together in a big paragraph. Sorry! 

    1. The grammar guide is even better, and goes into more detail on edge cases.

      1. A Wild Birb Appears says:

        Oh, thank you!

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