NaRe 2020 Day 22

More wonky grammar than usual. Someone being nice to a magikarp, though!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13488190/1/This-is-why-you-don-t-mess-with-a-god-kids (1)

Capitalize your title correctly.

[ “Try to catch the pokemon who owns the time is a good idea.” ]

I believe you mean “trying”. You’ve got a lot of those kinds of errors in this. I’d really suggest a beta reader. English is a fincky and annoying language.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[Oh sweet Arceus why ]

While this is at least in his own region, Arceus isn’t worshiped and is barely even known to the people of Sinnoh. Just say “Jesus” instead of trying to pokemonize it.

Write out numbers with letters.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13488357/1/A-Day-At-the-Beach (1)

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13488389/1/Rainy-Night (0)

[Yellow asked, “i-it’s getting  ]

[Green immediately responded in a harsh tone, “what makes you think ]

So, a weird thing about dialogue, if you lead in with a narration sentence you treat the start of the dialogue like a new sentence – [Yellow asked, “I-it’s getting] even though when it’s dialogue followed by narration, the narration isn’t treated like a new sentence.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13488444/1/The-Kalos-Queen-And-The-Kalos-King (0)

[Ash won the snowbelle gym that day, he was going to that league. He was really excited.

There was also Clemont, who was trying to figure out what is exactly going on with Greninja and Ash’s Secret bond. Even though Professor said it could be mega evolution, he didn’t think so.

Then there was bonnie]

Names/proper nouns are capitalized, while adjectives and common nouns are not. So it’d be Snowbelle Gym, secret, Bonnie. Also, you likely mean “the professor”.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13488475/1/Gracie-s-Galarian-Journey (1)

[‘Things have really gone to pot, haven’t they?’ mentally asked a human girl.]

Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to ” and gives the impression this is being said aloud, and do use the word “thought” because “mentally asked” here is incredibly awkward wording.

[Barely able to see the ground underneath her feet as she trudged along the dirt path. Fog blanketed the ground making it difficult to make out rocks and tree roots. Heavy foliage of the tall trees didn’t help either, not to mention they looked like they were moving in the corner of her vision.]

Continuing the wording issue, your sentences are often incomplete. [/She was/ barely able to see…] or else [Barely able to see the ground underneath her feet, she trudged along the dirt path]. [/The/ heavy foliage…] (And tree leaves moving is…kind of what they do. If the trunks seemed to be moving that’d be a lot more notable.) I’d really suggest a beta reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[After muttering a quick thank you to Arceus ]

Seriously not a thing. If you want to delve into poke-religion, you need to actually think through how it’d work, if you want Christian-flavored nondenominational stuff, just say God.

[Step after step the bricks continued passing underneath her feet, it felt like the bridge just kept going.

She ignored that ludicrous idea and continued walking down it parting the fog slightly due to each step.

Okay, now she was convinced the bridge didn’t end. That it just stretched for miles on end. What was the reason behind this odd conclusion?

Gracie had walked knee the span of what felt like hours which proved to lead to more bridge. Even starting to count out her steps so she could track the distance she traversed. The last number she could recall before losing count was five hundred eighty-nine. She had stopped walking by this time choosing to sit down her back against the stone wall.]

So, this is a cool effect, but it’s a bit undercut by how chill Gracie’s being about it. Speeding up and running to try to find an end would show anxiety, and trying to backtack off the bridge and failing at that as well would show her reacting to the problem and raise the stakes further.

[a Magikarp laying side down in a puddle. Its yellow whiskers were wrapped around both fins in a tight knot.]

Also, I really like how you have the magikarp come up repeatedly and lead in to her being concerned for it and helping, but… getting tangled in its own whiskers? That’s like your fingers getting tangled together. I’d really suggest having the magikarp be tangled in some other object – maybe a bit of plastic or just river weed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13488832/1/D%C3%A9j%C3%A0-vu-Presque-vu-Jamais-vu (4)

[“I wonder when she got a Z-ring?” Sophocles questioned ]

“Questioned” is the sort of thing a detective does. It’s with specific intent, not idle musings. You should choose words based on what they mean, not by which ones are longer.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13488894/1/Draconic-truths (0)

Capitalize your title correctly.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

2 Comments

  1. CrazyEd says:

    So, a weird thing about dialogue, if you lead in with a narration sentence you treat the start of the dialogue like a new sentence – [Yellow asked, “I-it’s getting] even though when it’s dialogue followed by narration, the narration isn’t treated like a new sentence.

    Something about the way this explanation is written is just… wonky to me. I’m not quite able to figure out what you mean by it.

    That’s like your fingers getting tangled together.

    … Well… it is a magikarp, after all.

    2
  2. While this is at least in his own region

    booooo

    2

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