NaRe 2020 Day 23

And so we finish! More of the people and pokemon and humans in a number of different ways.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13488895/1/The-Peak (2)

[The sheer cloth was constructed from heat-trapping polyamides, designed to deliver warmth without constraint. Mount Silver loomed above, a stern silhouette cut out against the white wintry sky. The cold wind snapped its teeth against her exposed face, as if in challenge, and Hunter J grinned, pulling up the tightly knitted cloth of her face mask.]

[She released her salamence, noting absently his instinctive shudder as a gust of mountain air reached them.

“Weakling,” she said. “It’ll be far colder than that on the peak.”

Salamence stiffened at her words. When the next gust hit, he didn’t move a muscle.]

I really love just the degree of selfish dickery here. She’s not demanding from others the same as she’s chosen to give or even failing to take into account an inequality between their situations. And yet, of course Salamence would accept this as the way of things.

[The mate would return to an empty nest. Would probably destroy half the area out of grief. Tyranitar were funny like that.]

Similarly, that she understands pokemon so well – she’d have to, to be able to work with them. She’s not oblivious or in denial about them having feelings, it just doesn’t matter beyond how it affects her personally.

[She was taken aback when a boy came into view, walking slowly up the peak towards her. His clothing did not match the arctic temperature—thin blue jeans and a red vest emblazoned with an outdated pokemon league logo. ]

This seems weird, though – I guess it could be warmer inside the caves with him only venturing out because he saw her show up, but really, the only reason he’s dressed like that is they wanted him to be recognizable as the same sprite as the previous game, and after the point you made to treat the weather realistically this is a bit much. I’d think he’d at least have a jacket.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13488895/2/The-Peak

[“Flamer!” he shouted to Charizard, who started, and for his distraction received a solid cuff to the head. “Flamer, listen to me. You must get her away from here! To somewhere safe!”

Flamer backed away from his opponent and looked at Salamence with wide, frightened eyes. “Take her? And what about you?”

“Forget about me! Her safety comes first.”

The charizard only stared at him. “I don’t understand,” he whimpered. “You’re hurt . . .”]

I really love our trip into Salamence’s view of things, and also everything about Salamence.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13488965/1/One-Eight-Hundred-MEWHELP (1)

Very Not My Thing Thanks.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13489074/1/A-Generation-of-Legends (0)

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

[according to mum, ]

Should be “Mum”. So, when you’re using something in place of somebody’s name, it’s capitalized the same way as their name would be.

[‘Leaf’ is not Kantan, will never be and I used to think the one who gave it to me could go fuck a cloyster. Sometimes, I still do, because what it is, is rude. Sure, it’s a word in a dead language given to me by one brat, one pain-in-the-arse, one rival named Satoru Oak, or “Blue”, which is much like ‘Leaf’. But, they are both foreign and alien. They mark us as other.]

This feels really awkward. If she doesn’t like the nickname to the point she goes on a rant about how horrible it is as soon as it comes up, and it’s a bizarre word that wouldn’t sound right to the rest of the people around her, and she’s a native kid who isn’t actually “other”, why is she going by it at all? One person calling you a weird word as a name doesn’t make everyone do the same. Just liking the concept of leaves doesn’t sound like it’d outweigh all that, and nothing stopped her from using a native word for “leaf” as her nickname.

[So, I know how cruel our world can be. I’ve seen what a spearow can do to its prey. You think they got that name -demon bird- for nothing? You have no idea and fearow… You really have no idea, do you? Don’t worry, I’ll tell you in time. I’ve seen first hand what a golduck does to its meal and drowning is the least of your worries. But I’ve also seen the kindness within the world; people help people, we look after each other because it’s what we do. We come together against whatever the world throws at us and we thrive.

But it’s not just us humans. Pokemon aren’t sapient, but many of them do care. Everyone knows the levels a mother fox goes to protect her kits. The way dragonite mate for life and how if one dies, they don’t remate. Golisopod will nurture and protect her clutch of wimpod until said clutch is old enough.]

This is really imbalanced. You list off a bunch of pokemon being terrible, then say but people are cool as a counterpoint, then the next paragraph tries to say that sometimes pokemon aren’t nonstop evil, exactly, because they’re capable of reproductive self-interest.

A lot of animals will look after each other beyond just mother defending babies or not finding a new mate. It seems terribly unlikely that pokemon, which are so much more social and capable of forming bonds with creatures as different as humans are, would be outdone by cockroaches.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13489080/1/Borderline (1)

Yeah, you really need punctuation for all your sentences, not just some.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[ He grinned as the cloaked figure extended a three-fingered hand, a small flame growing out in a blossom of heat and light. The old man dipped the end of his cigarette in it before taking a long, slow drag. “Blaziken mods” the old man said with a grin]

Here’s the thing – what exactly is he getting out of having a blaziken arm that the full blaziken wouldn’t give him? Do pokemon in your world make enough of a habit of saying no that it’s worth bypassing their will entirely? Is it that you have to know what you’re doing to handle a pokemon, and there’s people who don’t want to learn that yet are fine learning how to handle an alien limb? Is it that one blaziken can be split across a lot of humans?

I think you might be able to do something about humans getting pokemon parts that’s in the same predatory vein as the rich stealing our organs – maybe when battling pokemon get a deadly head injury, the rest of their parts get divvied up to humans who aren’t content with their existing privileges and want ever more.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13489249/1/Festival-of-love-and-rivally (3)

Capitalize your title correctly, and you meant “rivalry”. Rivally isn’t a word. You’ve got a ton of other spelling errors throughout this.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

And as the other reviewer noted, you’ve got a lot of other capitalization errors as well as a myriad of punctuation ones.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13489327/1/The-Legend-of-Alola (1)

[Pokémon sun/moon]

Pokemon Sun/Moon. When something’s a name, you capitalize all of the words involved, not just the first one.

[“Moon!” Mom screams. “Can you get Sun for me I have something to say for all of us!”

Moon sighed and walked over to Sun’s room. “Sun mom has something to say.”

She didn’t get a reaction from the boy who was watching a Pokémon battle on his computer. “Sun!” Moon screamed letting herself in.

Sun paused the video and looked at Moon frustrated. “Yeesh sis you don’t have to scream like that! You can just knock on the door!” Sun said irritated.

Moon put her hands on her hips. “I tried that, but you didn’t hear me!”

“Yeah whatever what do you want?”

“Mom has something to say for all of us.”

Sun sighed. “Alright, alright I am coming.”

“Alright!” Moon said before walking downstairs. “Oh there you are Moon where is Sun?”

Moon sighed. “He is watching some Pokémon battles again, he said he would come soon.”

“Here I am!” Sun said walking down the stairs.

“Ah finally you are here!” Mom said a bit irritated.]

This is moving at a glacial pace, which is a lot more than a bit irritating. It is extremely rare you want to have your characters talk in circles about how they’re not actually saying anything. Stories are supposed to be entertaining.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You’ve also got a lot of missing commas and other errors. I’d strongly suggest a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13489492/1/A-Pokemon-Town (0)

Write out numbers with letters.

[a young man by the name of bo  ]

Names are always capitalized, not just when you feel like it.

Your first chapter should be an actual chapter of your story, not two short paragraphs summarizing events leading up to the actual start of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13489511/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Mystery-Dungeon-Seasons-of-Change (1)

Hm. This is well-written but kind of slow-paced when it’s just three character introductions that all go very similarly. The final one is strongest since it ends on something about to happen, so it might’ve been a good idea to expand the other two scenes up until the point they run into someone else.

[ she noticed a figure emerging from the town. It was a buneary, carrying a basket filled with berries. She waited, expecting a human to follow, but no one else emerged from the town. The buneary was alone.

Interesting, she thought. Maybe… is this the world of pokémon?]

Also, this seems a bit of a jump. We do occasionally see pokemon doing tasks on their own, and even if we didn’t, I don’t think people in-universe would act as though it’s a definite fact that another world exists that’s all pokemon. And even if it’s possible to get right, it’s generally best of avoid having characters guess correctly from little information because it comes off as you the author knowing what’s up and telling them. I’d suggest delaying the realization there aren’t humans at least until the machop appear to shake the buneary down.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13489619/1/Pokemon-Together-in-This-New-World (1)

[“Hmmm I don’t know Ash what are you gonna wish for?” Serena deflected the question back to Ash.

“My wish is to get even better at understanding pokemon?” Ash said in that usual charm of his that won Serena over. He was always confident about what he wanted Serena thought.

“That’s a wonderful wish, I guess my wish is to have a good wish.” Serena joked causing the two of them to laugh.

However Serena scolded herself, this was a perfect chance to confess her love and here she blew it yet again. Deep down she wished that she and Ash could be together but there was no way she could say that now.

Ash meanwhile laughed at the joke. “Oh man Serena that’s a great joke, I do hope you find an actual wish soon.”]

The focus of your story is on Serena and her feelings, so it’s strange that it’d be Ash’s wish about pokemon that actually determines what’ll happen while Serena’s desire to stick together seems to only accomplish getting her brought along for the ride – also, it’d have been good for her to actually manage a deliberate wish instead of it being even more of an accident.

The fact Serena is chickening out of actually telling Ash would be a good place to start – if she intentionally makes one wish then lies to Ash that her wish was something else, the two could combine to produce the odd effect of being together with Ash but in another world and also they’re pokemon. (“I wish we could be together!” followed by “Oh, um, I wished I could be better at understanding pokemon!” could be turned into “I wish we could be better at understanding pokemon together!” by whatever logic governs magic shooting star wishes.)

Also, “joked” functions as a speech tag, so it’d be preceded by a comma rather than a period, and “spoke”, oddly enough, does not actually work as one, you want “said” for [“Man Serena I’m so sleepy I feel like I’m gonna pass out on this log,” Ash spoke as another yawn escaped from him. ] (You also need more commas to break up your sentences.)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13489780/1/Message-Received (1)

The rules specifically mention not to post chat fic. Post this sort of thing on one of the other sites where it isn’t against the rules.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13489945/1/naturally (1)

Hm. So the backward format does let the final pieces have a lot of emphasis and those are really strong (I particularly liked [“We. We’re sorry for trespassing.” The human syllables. How did they manage to do this all day? His tongue is flopping in a thousand directions at once; his growls are dead in his mouth. It just doesn’t make sense. “Please let us leave your lands.”]) but given how N’s assimilated enough to say “people” and work so hard at playing by the rules, I think it might’ve been better to have to be chronological and put the focus on how much he’s changed and how badly he’s compromised up to that point, and why he tried so hard to be accommodating to the human side of things. (I was wondering a bit if he doubted his own memories of there being another way things were, which would be a reason to hesitate, but it seems he always knows the other world was real.) His former partner being Ghetsis’ hydregion is horrifying but it’s hard to understand how it happens – they’re presumably separated, but it seems like N would have ample motive and opportunity to try to find Zahhak again, and if it was truly impossible and the first time they met again is in the battle, it’s strange Zahhak would fight against him or talk later of how N’s been sitting around doing nothing letting Zahhak suffer the consequences of his indecision. And the level of abuse and control makes N to be trying so hard for a peaceful resolution and only going for the world-splitting as a last resort harder to understand.

Also, I feel [watch the birth of a new world where pokémon are free from people.] is a missed opportunity to put a twist on the phrase – [watch the birth of a new world where pokémon are free to be people]. Because going with the PMD setting, it’s the removal of humans that allows pokemon to have a society at all.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13490003/1/New-Flock (2)

[He just wasn’t quite sure how he felt about the fact that people—bottom-rung employees just trying to get by—would inevitably get caught in the crossfire.

“They know what they’re getting themselves into,” their boss had said. “Anyone who throws their lot in with corruption like that deserves the same punishment.”

It still bothered Jet. More than he liked to admit. But being a grunt meant staying in line and following orders. Everything Team Zephyr was doing was necessary. He needed to remind himself of that fact.]

So you’re clearly trying to make this be a proper traditional “good motives, but villainous” enemy, buuut yeah there’s a point where taking a job is not a neutral act. You’ve got this orphaned rufflet you’re writing as if they’re a toddler who almost dies because of the construction, you’ve got their definitely as smart as us dad who does die because of this – and, in context, it seems pretty likely he was deliberately murdered for going after the machines. And you’ve got all the other pokemon who were there and aren’t any longer, who are starving or freezing or displacing others to starve and freeze. If the employees are fine intentionally killing people to protect construction equipment that’s going to be used to kill lots of people, I’m not losing any sleep over them possibly being accidentally hurt in the process of destroying construction equipment. Why should Zephyr be held to far higher standards than the construction workers? Why are the people who decided to do this more innocent than the ones only responding to that, and only when all the more peaceful options failed? Why is just trying to get by for yourself no matter the cost to others more worthy than voluntarily risking yourself to help others?

Put another way our country is running concentration camps and people need to think about what just following orders actually means.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13490019/1/Hidden-Lifestyle (0)

[“I guess I like the night. I hate that no one’s allowed outside after dark,” Nikon said.]

So, this is what your chapter revolves around but everything about it is unexplained.

We’re given no explanation for why nighttime is dangerous but everything’s completely safe so long as the sun’s up. Apparently it involves physically blocking an entrance but there’s no concern about being tracked. We don’t know how these pokemon came to live like this (are they abandoned/escaped pets that linked up, or an independent society of pokemon that just happens to be living in a human city, or some combination?) And despite the fact they’re in a city and a number of them are quite desirable pokemon, and despite the fact the terrible thing they’re avoiding is “being taken or killed” it doesn’t seem like there’s any issue with being seen by humans. Just darkness itself.

You don’t have to explain everything in a first chapter, but you do need to give enough context for people to have some idea what’s going on. For all I know at this point the darkness could be a living entity that eats people or the nighttime is awesome and completely safe and the curfew is because their leader is an evil despot using it to keep them under control. That makes it impossible to have any specific investment in the characters being out late or getting back on time or anything else they’ll do relating to time.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13490162/1/Nuzlock-Challenge-The-Stadium-Run (2)

You seem to be having a lot of trouble with verb tenses as well as miscellaneous other grammar issues. I’d strongly recommend a beta reader.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

Your first chapter should be longer than two sentences. Post when you’ve actually written a chapter, not just because you’re excited to tell us that at some point in the future there will be one maybe.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13490229/1/When-The-Pawn-Turns-King-A-Gen-5-Adventure (0)

[Our game has not ended.
Our game has not been abandoned.
Though I have not been here for a long time, my memory is still just as clear as when I left.
You’ve made a move.
A very interesting move.
A move that has certainly surprised me.
I know what it is that led you to that move, but I know not why you have made it.]

This “prologue” is taking a ton of words to say nothing.

Yes, you can use the fact you the author know stuff the reader doesn’t to write and write and write vague allusions without actually telling them anything, but why should you? It’s not actually interesting to read someone repeating “I’m not telling yet” over and over.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13490240/1/New-World-Old-Habits (1)

[“Go Growlithe!”

“And I choose you, Hugo!”]

It’s generally good to commit to everyone or no one using nicknames. Having it be just the main character’s team feels extremely artificial.

[you’re pokemon  ]

Your is the possessive, you’re means you are.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[Making incoherent noises to itself as it ran into a bush and laid there hoping not to be found.]

[He curled up into himself hoping to just disappear from the world.]

You’re alternating between “he” and “it” as a pronoun. You need to commit to how you’ll refer to pokemon.

[- The Next Morning -]

You really need to just work this kind of thing into your narration.

Wimpod, hm. Well, it’s an unusual choice. He doesn’t particularly seem to be acting like a wimpod, which, variation is always a thing but they do have their very ability based around the fact they’re cowards. Is that going to override his personality if it kicks in, or does he functionally not have the wimp out ability rendering him a very strange wimpod? And, given it doesn’t seem like he was given this form because it fits his personality, was it just random chance?

[my forth partner]

Fourth. Proofread.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13490400/1/Gods-And-MAonsters (1)

…so, is that a typo in your title or…?

[lets clear some things up]

Let’s. It’s short for “let us”.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[ delicacy’s ]

Never use an apostrophe for a plural.

You’ve got both a lot of typos and a lot of systemic errors. I’d strongly recommend a beta reader.

 

Ah, this was such a wonderfully easy year. My sympathy to the authors who got harassed by Pyle into blocking me, but it really does make for smoother sailing on my part and hopefully most of you would’ve blocked me over what I actually do anyway. Managed to actually keep almost afloat reading Witcher fic at the same time! Mild concern that people are generally not posting much but eh, maybe it’s a matter of moving to AOOOOOOOO?

One Comment

  1. CrazyEd says:

    Very Not My Thing Thanks.

    Wow, I expected something far more disgusting than this!

    It is extremely rare you want to have your characters talk in circles about how they’re not actually saying anything.

    This reminds me of an example from The Three Musketeers about how its author got paid by the line, so they had about six lines confirming that, yes, they’re going to the city, and city is Paris, and they’re going there.

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