A nice bunch of unusual OT setups for once, a fic about how Ghetsis was abused as a kid, and a remarkably stupid professor who invents a remarkably overpowered piece of tech and thinks it’s not going to be used for military purposes.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13469893/1/A-Breeder-s-Turn (1)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[We also serve as veterinaries ]

Believe you mean “veterinarians”.

[we can’t exactly give a Trapinch to a new trainer considering its bite force can break hands fresh out of the egg, and now the egg dealer we always go to is being stubborn. And it’s not like we can keep a Flygon, Trudge takes up enough of the property alone! ]

So it seems oddly binary that the only choices are giving/selling a pokemon while it’s still unhatched or keeping it forever. It might be possible to justify it (maybe there’s regulations against selling hatched pokemon, so they could only trade which is going to be far harder to set up?) but it also doesn’t seem necessary, since it’s perfectly reasonable to be annoyed that you’re likely going to be stuck for weeks/months raising a young pokemon they don’t particularly want and aren’t going to get much, or possibly any, monetary return on.

Also, I’m not quite sure what the point of the runaround is? Wallace’s side of things I get – he doesn’t want to raise a trapinch so he tries to find someone who does want the egg through their normal contacts, then he hikes all over looking for a trainer or pokemon to take it. But if actually it’s some super-special darumaka who he’s been gifted with the intent of it being his starter pokemon…what would’ve happened if literally anyone in the past week had agreed to take the “trapinch” egg off his hands? If it were just limited to him calling around people he knows it’d be just barely possible to ensure they were all in on it and ready with excuses, but he’s been running around talking to any stranger he can while looking for sad pokemon who’d like an egg.

[Sasha went through loops to get that thing into Galar.” ]

So why risk fumbling the egg at the last second just to stress out Wallace for a week?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13469955/1/Reach-for-the-Skies (16) Partly because it’s already six chapters.

Your tenses are rather wonky, with things going between past and present.

[Tino immediately fired a Hyper Beam that landed close to the front of the tauros herd, forcing them to take a turn and hopefully, this is enough to turn them away from the main road.

Unfortunately, the tauros herd is hell-bent on charging ahead for reasons unknown.]

Also, for something that’s a hypothetical, while “this is” can work, “this will be” is better at conveying it hasn’t happened yet, which can make it easier to follow when it’s something that actually didn’t end up happening.

[Broadly speaking, a Ranger’s job is to help protect the Pokemon World from threats. Rangers sometimes collaborate with the Police Force of their region or sometimes even with their own military forces if needed.  ]

Your capitalization in other respects looks correct, but words you also don’t need capitals for words like “ranger”, “pokemon world”, and “police force”. (Also, it’s awkward to have people call it “the pokemon world” in-universe, rather than just “the world”.)

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[The way Johtonians and Kantonians distinguish themselves can be easily seen even from the organisational structure of their forces. Officially, I may be a member of the Indigo Ranger Force, posted to the Johto Region, but people with the same vocation as me refer to ourselves as members of the Johto Ranger Force instead. There really isn’t an ‘Indigo’ within the organisation, just either ‘Kanto’ or ‘Johto’.

Such distinctiveness is toxic, in my opinion, but who am I to say anything?]

So, I like the idea of this setup, but I’m not sure it’s really being used effectively. You spend a lot of words saying that the two regions while officially a single one still view themselves one or the other, and you have the main character so strongly say this is terrible, but there isn’t any sign of its actual impact. The fact best of the best 1st Regiment is Johto-based and so considered the a part of the “Johto Ranger Force” (and even the guy promoting the character is thinking they’re the best of the Johto rangers, rather than the Indigo rangers) would generally imply that members of regiments based in Kanto do not have the same chance at a spot there as those based in Johto, whether it be a mild level of discrimination or to the degree that it’s understood that no matter how great a Kanto ranger is they’ll pretty much never be sent over to the 1st (or they’ll be hazed back out again if they are sent).

I’d also expect this kind of divide to be causing logistical troubles, where in the event of a disaster in one region they don’t necessarily send in extras from the other region, and where problems in border areas where they both deploy don’t coordinate properly so you end up with a Johto and Kanto ranger both guarding one section and then another section completely without a ranger, and supply chain problems, etc…

Alternatively, you might mean that everyone is currently coordinating fine, and currently the 1st is evenly mixed between Johto and Kanto, but the main character is just smart enough to know that the fact people are self-identifying based on region is toxic in the sense that the poison’s building up and the effects will be kicking in sooner or later but are definitely coming, but in that case it’d be good to explicitly say that yes, everything is running perfectly fine right now and there’s no outward sign this nationalism is causing any problems.

[A girl around my age with a bob haircut shouted out towards the back of the room the moment I entered. Seconds later, more heads popped out from other places in the briefing room.

“Eh, she sure doesn’t look like much with that cutesy jumpluff.”

“Be nice, Adam.”

“What? We don’t need weaklings who cannot hold their own in the 1st, especially not here in the Black squadron. We are the best of the fucking best, and we got this as Liz’s replacement? At least Liz was a badass!”]

It’s so, so nice to run into a fic with this sort of typical military banter that’s gender egalitarian.

[Why? Because I finally realised that I am a freaking atheist that doesn’t believe in God. So I will always fail to write anything relating to pokemon religion because I can never understand what it feels like to be a believer.]

While I’m certainly happy to have fellow atheist characters running around, I do think you should consider if the problem you’re running into is more that there’s a specific type of belief that you can’t quite wrap your head around, because there’s many kinds of believers and belief. Pokemon in particular seems well suited to the “x is just very cool” hero-worship kind of thing, which I’ve always found pretty comprehensible myself.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13469994/1/Festival-of-Radiance (0)

[Most Pokémon who have fur gain a larger fur coat during the winter. It’s natural for us. But part of our job requires us have short fur, so I’ll live.” Lilac attempted to open her eyes wider and look less tired in general, mostly succeeding. “Besides, not all of us have a Fire-type to snuggle with.” ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Man, Lilac can be freighting sometimes]

Frightening. You’ve got a number of similar errors throughout this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13470129/1/A-hui-hou

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

This really feels incomplete, like you’re jumping from thought to thought without enough of a bridge between them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13470242/1/Kanto-Quest (4)

Your title really should be less generic.

[ I think I have a unique take on our beloved tale and characters that’s worth exploring.]

Quite possible. So you really should express that in your title.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

With stories in general and rewrites in particular, I understand the impulse to start at the very, very beginning to show how things go, but that’s almost never actually the best way to tell the story. You’re much better served starting at a point more interesting than yet another rehash of young Ash and Serena at camp and then referencing/flashbacking what’s relevant later on, when it comes up naturally. What you have right now is terribly slow and plodding, and not just because so much of what you’re writing is repeating information your reader already knows.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13470309/1/Pressured (0)

[Strangely enough, as the pressure of every single gym battle only decreased his motivation to be a Gym Leader, the Champion Cup was something much different. ]

This and other sentences are very awkwardly put. For example something like [Strangely enough, even though the pressure of every single gym battle only decreased his motivation to be a Gym Leader, the Champion Cup was something much different. ] would connect the ideas better. I’d really suggest a beta reader.

[There were treatments and medications for the disorders he had, but health concerns came to the conclusion that he should not start them.  ]

This is put strangely to the point it’s hard to even make out what you’re saying. I think the issue may be that you’re using “disorders” to mean “mental illness” only, when it actually can mean things that are physical health concerns which would also be treated by medication. And even then, it’s quite unclear why any form of treatment (including talking to a therapist!) is off the table for him – if he has a bunch of health problems, it’s conceivable that there could be a balancing act where he can’t take anti-anxiety medication without it interacting badly with, say, his heart medication, but it’s very hard to conceive of a situation where someone is in such fragile health that they have to avoid any form of health care. And even still, why not a therapist or some other non-drug form of treatment?

[He was skilled enough, and many believed that his severe anxiety and depression would wither away with coming of age.

Sadly, this hypothesis never really seemed to take effect]

Not really how “hypothesis” works. “Sadly, this hypothesis proved to be wrong.” perhaps or else “Sadly, this prediction never really seemed to come true.”

[He looked at his team. Maybe he could add one new Pokémon to his roster and further strengthen his team?]

This is really weird. I know in game terms you can easily get any pokemon up to L100 if you grind, but you the player don’t spend years raising pokemon like NPCs do. An experienced trainer with six days to go before an important tournament shouldn’t be able to train a brand-new pokemon in that timeframe.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13470337/1/Temper-Temper (0)

Okay, so this one is about the relationship between Caitlin and Darach and there’s nothing wrong with it but there’s nothing I have to say about it. Maybe review it if that interests you?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13470441/1/White-and-All-that-Follows

[It happened like this, with nothing to announce the circumstantial happening taking place in the dead of night but a slight shiver running across the backs of those who resided in the city of Pallet. ]

I really don’t think “circumstantial happening” is right. Perhaps “circumstances”?

[the Ketchum`s ]

There’s something weird with the formatting of most of your apostrophes.

[The picture frame smashed against the carpeted floor, and as the million shards of shattered glass were spread by force of a surreal impact, a passive observer could have taken note with no small amount of surprise as the taller figure vanished from the fallen picture. ]

…what about the fact a picture was dropping for normal reasons and behaving normally upon hitting the floor adds up to a “surreal impact”? Also, I really don’t think there’s any reason for the “passive” modifier there.

[it’s brief way. ]

“Its” is possessive. “It’s” means “it is”.

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

This is definitely intriguing, but I’m not quite sure what to make of it given that so far the only alteration you mentioned is that the other person in Delia’s picture is gone but Ash’s father being out of the picture is the status quo, so it’s very hard to guess what making that just a bit more literal would change – you do make it clear that definitely a whole lot was just altered, just, I have no clue what, which makes for weird stakes.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13470528/1/Pokemon-Rising-Star (1)

[Disclaimer: This story, the characters -main, secondary or otherwise- don’t belong to be but to a dear friend of mine who decided not to share it here. So I took it upon myself to do it for her.
However as to not be accused of plagiarism, I still made a few changes so it was more in my style than in hers (but that’s about all that’ll be changed). ]

Uh. Plagiarism’s more a binary of credited/did not credit. If you credit your friend by (pen)name, or state that this is being posted on the behalf of someone who wants to remain anonymous which I assume is what you’re trying to say here, it’s not plagiarism. And taking something someone else wrote and slightly tweaking it into your style so it looks like it’s yours when it’s not is the sort of thing a plagiarist does, not a defense against plagiarism.

[I should have done it six years ago, as 11 is the minimal age required for a child to get their first Pokemon and go travel around the region. ]

There is no minimal age in the games and the leaving date in the anime is ten.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. Or mom and dad, which you keep using like names and should be capitalized when you do.

Write out numbers with letters.

[ The day after my 11th birthday, my old man told me that he wasn’t going to let me go travel alone until I was at least 16 years of age. ]

This was a terrible, poorly thought out excuse every other time writers have done it and it’s still terrible now. I will say that actually letting her get a pokemon to raise is a rare bit of sense, but given her snivy’s still a snivy, it doesn’t seem like she actually did much to raise it.

[Though the best was when he introduced me to his motorcycle gang for my 14th birthday. I knew he used to be part of one when he was younger, with my mother, but I didn’t think it was still going on today. And yet it was. He taught me how to ride his bike, first on deserted road, at a low speed, and when I learnt the basic and got my licence, he let me ride it whenever I wanted. ]

Also, it’s particularly ludicrous to say a pokemon journey is dangerous in comparison to riding around on a motorcycle.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13470536/1/Continental-Divides (0)

[Like my other stories, this one is set in a grittier version of the pokemon world where all trainers start at age eighteen instead of ten. ]

And like my usual complaining, really think this would’ve been better with a setup where an eighteen year old is an experienced trainer.

Like, say…

[“I’ve seen you around the gym a lot lately. Most trainers are in and out with a badge in a day or two, you know.”

“Well, I’m not most trainers. I don’t just want a badge — I want to actually get better.”]

This kind of behavior would make more sense on someone who did a bit when they were a preteen, called it a day, and is setting out again at eighteen. (It’d also give her a lot more room to get better if she had partly raised pokemon that just hadn’t been properly trained, rather than her starting from scratch.)

I realize that fits poorly with,

[“I’m just…trying to figure things out.” She sighed and shrugged.

Mark’s expression softened again, and whatever she thought she had seen in his face was gone. “Right. They tell you to go out and catch some pokemon, win some badges, but they don’t tell you what to make of it, do they? You’re on your own to figure out what comes next.”]

but really, having that be the eighteen year old experience for everyone doesn’t seem to mesh particularly well with either the canon setup or modern society, but some people returning to being a trainer in response to not knowing what else to do at eighteen would make a great deal of sense.

My issues with ages aside, I really like how you write the both of them – [In an open flannel and a t-shirt, his nose in a book, he almost looked like a different person — but it was definitely him. Natalie had only ever seen him in business casual before, a white button-down and shiny black shoes, and it hadn’t occurred to her until now that it must be part of the uniform. He was one of the best battlers she’d seen in person, more ruthlessly efficient than the gym leader herself, who was known to occasionally award badges even to trainers who hadn’t actually beaten her. To glimpse this softer and more ordinary side of him felt like a small prize. ] is both an engaging description and one that also tells you a lot about the one doing the describing in the process. The dialogue feels quite natural and gets across enough information to know where we’re starting while still leaving a lot more to find out. And since the summary says they end up on opposite sides, I’m particularly intrigued about what those sides will shake out to be.

I’m torn between suggesting you give ORAS a look, since it actually does develop the whole political/climate/corporate angle a lot further than the original games so you might find it interesting, and saying you’re probably better off making it all up yourself, since ORAS was incoherent and massively over the top about all of that.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13470554/1/Fire-RedLeaf-Green-Nuzlocke-Giovanni-s-Sons (1)

Write out numbers with letters.

[Ashton shielded bright grey eyes – some may even say they were a dull silver colour. ]

Really sueish description there.

Alright, so in your entire first chapter is the character coming home, going into the basement, and the lights going off. That’s not much of a hook. Your summary focuses on the fact he’s going to end up in the pokeworld, because you get that going there is the start of your story, but here’s the actual start of the story and there’s none of that.

First, think about how much of what you’ve even got here is necessary setup. He seems kind of isolated, but you don’t seem to be pushing that element too hard – he’s got friends and being locked out is annoying but he says his mom’s already on her way home. The pet hating feels like it could be relevant to ending up in a universe built around pets, but it doesn’t seem to have actually done much to keep him from hanging out with this stray cat. Pokemon stuff is down in the basement, but he seems to have just outgrown it rather than, say, intentionally hiding it because it wasn’t considered cool any longer or anything else that might play into how he’s about to be forced into living there.

Second, you absolutely should keep going past the basic setup to actually get to the point. Even if you stopped at just him waking up in the pokeworld, at least that’d be something to go on.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13470634/1/The-Nut-Cracker (0)

[I Have been traveling around the past couple months, I left Hoen when my father died, I was way to attached to the region, emotionally.  ]

Don’t capitalize “have”, it’s spelled “Hoenn”, should be “way too”, and this is a run-on sentence.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

“Its” is possessive. “It’s” means “it is”. Also, it’s utterly bizarre you’re writing a sex scene with a female pokemon and calling her it half the time.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13470745/1/Harmonia-Legacy (0)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[“What about people who don’t like Pokemon,” Gi-gi asked quietly. “What if they want to change the Region, but they can’t just because they’re unable to defeat the Champion or don’t have enough ‘love’ for their Pokemon?”

“Hmm… I think you’re looking at all this from the completely wrong perspective. You’re forgetting that the Champion’s primary focus is keeping the Region safe from outside and internal threats. If a person’s not able to hold their own in battle, how can they even think of leading the League in battle? The President may not have as much influence as the Champion, but the people did vote for him which means that the Champion and the Unovans trust him enough to do a good job in leading the Region to a better future. I’ll also remind you that everyone can change the world a little bit at a time by their good actions and kind words.”

‘Ideological drivel,’ Gi-gi thought savagely. ‘People think in their own self-interest and will never suddenly decide to be good and kind. The ones that are genuinely good only end up being exploited by the ones who look out for themselves. Being good is equivalent to being weak.’]

This is a bizarre series of jumps, especially when the starting topic is “our government rule is based on who loves pokemon the hardest”. Pretty hard to get from that to the idea that actually it’s all about being cuthroat and self-centered. (And it’s not like there aren’t plenty of other reasons to question it.)

Which is sort of the problem with this as a whole – you’re giving him a whumptastic background, but not one that explains Ghetsis’ behavior in particular or even fits together particularly well with the combination of abusive perfectionist dad and mom who just totally hates him because she does. Even his protovillain rants within the story don’t map particularly well onto the experiences he’s having.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13470930/1/The-Evolution-Experiments (1)

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[ As Champion I can’t just interrogate every trainer that comes in here with an unknown Pokémon. ]

I mean, as champion I think they can probably do exactly that. But also, it’s really underwhelming to say that the research they’re doing amounts to waiting until some other trainer shows up and happens to battle them with a new pokemon. It really shouldn’t be that hard to have people report it as soon as they get a new pokemon.

[ I want you to travel throughout the region and visit every gym, inn and Pokémon center. Find every trainer you can and look for existence of Extrinsic Evolutions in each town. I have had enough vague reports of these Pokémon, I need someone to investigate to confirm or deny their existence.”]

…okay, so I get that you want a fic about traveling around to find new pokemon, but this is such a terrible setup that appears to rely on the idea no one knows about phones or even letters, so you just have to walk around blindly and hope you trip over what you’re looking for.

Why not have your character respond to specific trainers alerting Oak one of their pokemon evolved strangely and to meet up at their current location? And not only would traveling with an actual goal in mind make more sense, but it’d help make this feel distinct from the typical OT fic where the character’s journeying through all the cities for the sake of it. (And if you do want them to run across pokemon by accident, you can still have that happen while they’re traveling on their way to a known pokemon.)

I like the bit with the nidoran – it’s very nice to see pokemon being more complicated to deal with.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13471052/1/Electric-Tales (1)

Write out numbers with letters.

“Its” is possessive. “It’s” means “it is”.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

It really makes no sense that Ash and Misty would refuse to let their kid leave to be a pokemon trainer, and even less sense that Misty would insist on sending the kid to train under her hated sisters as an alternative.

[How could she word this without sounding like the world biggest hypocrite? Or worse an overbearing, overprotective smother? ]

She really can’t which is why this is such a bad plot point.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13471233/1/Pokemon-We-Are-Family (1)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Spellcheck before you post.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13471503/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Legends (0)

Did you know, there’s seventy-eight stories titled “Pokemon Legends” already? You should really pick a title that has some actual meaning to what your story’s about.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“For me.” Blitz said through her Poké Collar as she stepped forward on the stage. “The connection broadens my mind with a greater understanding of my partner and this world. It also gives me speech which in turn allows me to have an impact on the world around me in ways that no Pokémon could before.”]

This is ambiguous in a way that really needs to be clearer. Is the collar allowing their existing speech to be understood, or are pokemon not capable of such complex thoughts without the mind-meld? The former seems more in line with what’s said here while the latter works a lot better with the overall setting and with having the focus be on the collars changing the existing situation by creating something entirely new.

Also, it seems excessive that the collars can do several unrelated things all right off the bat. The mental connection alone is game-changing, because it seems very unlikely regular trainers will stand much change against opponents tied so much more tightly together. It allowing humans to use pokemon moves is an enormous leap beyond that. And the idea it lets you pool HP is just ridiculously videogamey.

I’d really suggest the collars just do the mindmeld for the initial introduction. That’d mean it makes a lick of sense that your character thinks this is a perfectly good thing to show everyone after a vicious war, and it’d give you time to show just how much that alone would change things. Perhaps the mindmeld turns out to let humans use pokemon moves once they get the hang of it, or possibly once the technology’s released someone figures out how to upgrade it and releases collars v2: now for combat. If the HP thing is deeply important to what’s going to happen, spend a while justifying how connecting to pokemon gets you pokemon moves in such a way it’s plausible that their durability might transfer as well and wait a while in-universe because that should be incredibly difficult to work out.