NaRe 2020 Day 6

Somebody else is going around saying similar things. Not sure why now in particular.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13471636/1/Milo-Does-His-Best (0)

Hm…

So, I quite like the idea of this, but what you’ve got is very repetitive. You get across that he’s got other things going on so he has less time for training and he’s not comfortable with going all-out anyway and he cares more about having fun than winning…and then you keep saying that paragraph after paragraph.

Also, I feel that you don’t need anything beyond “he’s got other things going on”, because having the real reason of why he’s viewed as weak be that he’s deliberately going easy on people gets in the way of the very reasonable point that someone who has other responsibilities is just not going to be on top of their game the way someone who does nothing but battle and think about battling.

[ An uncomfortable feeling in his gut roils at the thought of pulling out all the stops against Nessa. She’s named him her rival, but… “I can’t.” He insists. “Nessa has got a type disadvantage, and we work so close that I just want our battles to be fun. ]

And this is just incredibly condescending rather than nice, and does play into the idea he’s somehow some super-trainer. Because like you said earlier, [Milo knows he isn’t the greatest trainer ever. He’d have to be really something special to be, with how much work he’s got to do outside of training.  ] yet the rest of the fic is about him only doing badly because he’s going easy on people on purpose and how those who know him know he’s absolutely that special and absolutely that overpowered. And that also undercuts the question of how well he’ll do if he seriously tries – that he’ll win is already established as soon as he brings up that goal, so there’s no suspense.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13471650/1/Hidden-In-Plain-Sight (2)

[ Laura has AMNESIA? Since WHEN?”

Laura blinked at this before cringing a bit and blushing upon realizing that she’d never actually shared this piece of information with any of the other guildmembers. “Um… Ever since I met Paula,” she confessed.

“Yeah,” Paula gave a nervous chuckle, sheepishly rubbing her neck, “that’s actually why she agreed to form an exploration team with me in the first place—I thought that since the Wigglytuff Guild was so well known and had so many resources, you might be able to help her figure out her past.”

“…And the reason you never informed us of this so that we could, actually try and help you with this is because…?” Chatot asked, his eye developing a mild twitch]

Ah, it’s funny to have people getting a chance to actually react to videogame plotlines.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13471654/1/The-Sirens-of-Cerulean

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

[One of Cerulean City’s oldest structures, an ancient white lighthouse, stood atop a cliff, standing as a guardian to guide ships away from the perils of the rocks below. ]

…okay, so, this is clearly AU and all, but it’s jarring to keep the name of the place and yet somehow the location has nothing in common. And it’s not like you’re restricting the cast to those who actually live in Cerulean since we start with Tracey and then move on to Ash – for that matter, if you really hate the idea of not using one of the canon locations, why not use the Orange Islands, which being islands have plenty of need for lighthouses and are where Tracey was hanging out in canon?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Daisy swam up the table they were sitting around and grabbed a piece of coral and took a bite out of it. ]

So, if what you’re saying is that Daisy’s jaws can crunch through rock like a parrotfish, sure cool, but you should be clear. There’s hard and soft corals and there’s an enormous variety within both of those. (And a lot are poisonous, so if that’s their natural diet they’re probably toxic themselves.)

[ “I’m just worried about your safety. Not because of the humans but just in case any of Rudy’s thugs goes and finds you.” ]

I really wish you developed exactly what’s going on with human/siren relations here, because it means this is all taking place without context. Okay, so their current ruler hates humans and they disagree with him…but if humans don’t know sirens even exist, siren society must’ve been going to great lengths to stay away from humans for hundreds of years. So what about Rudy’s position is any different? Why don’t they like the guy? It is even over his opinion on humans or are there a variety of issues in the siren community and they pulled out over something else? And is what Daisy’s doing an unusual thing, or are sirens really good at hiding so singing in the mist happens a lot without anyone ever actually getting a look at them? And why are they avoiding humans, and would Rudy harm someone for getting near humans as a power play over disobeying him or because he thinks the discovery of one siren puts the rest of the sirens at risk?

Without anything to go on, there’s really no way to know how to feel about Tracey or Ash finding out about the sirens.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13471733/1/The-Fate-Of-Our-Heroes (1) Yet another fic Hybrid’s throwing a tantrum on.

So yeah, as the other person said, this is far too short. It’s an intro to a first chapter rather than an actual first chapter. Alternatively, you could slow down and write out the scenes rather than summarize them.

As to the reviews you’re getting, it’s this one nutjob with multiple accounts, that’s why they’re all being weird assholes in exactly the same way. If it bugs you you can find the full list of accounts on my profile to block but they can’t actually do anything so it’s fine to leave them to boost your review count instead.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13471800/1/Friends (0)

Nonstory chapters are banned, and this is a good illustration of why that’s a rule. If the stuff you’re listing as part of the character’s notes matters, it should be showing up in the story where the reader can find it out naturally. If it doesn’t matter, it definitely shouldn’t be the first thing you’re showing the reader instead of the actual story.

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13471812/1/Powered-up-Unova (1)

[ I will later make an OC chart for you to make your own character. ]

This is a really bad idea. Your own characters will be better for your story than ones submitted by people who don’t know what you’re planning.

“(Hello)” – My comments

You should not be putting comments in the middle of your story at all, let alone with such frequency that you include it in a dialogue key.

[Remember this chapter will be more boring than the other chapters, but it will tell you how Aura and psychic humans work. As well as some backstory. You CAN skip this chapter.]

If it can be skipped without mattering, it shouldn’t be here in the first place.

If this information is important, it should be in the main story. If you have a whole lot of worldbuilding, you really don’t think you can work it in naturally, and you absolutely must include additional notes, then instead of dumping all of it on the reader in a chapter you’re already assuming they’re not going to look at anyway, I’d strongly suggest breaking it into chunks and including a piece with each actual chapter of your story instead. You can also make it more interesting to read by writing it as an in-universe thing, where it’s bits of a pokeworld textbook or something.

And you definitely don’t need “worldbuilding” that’s just telling the reader what they already know. Nobody needed you to list every pokemon type when they’re reading pokemon fanfic.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

“Its” is possessive. “It’s” means “it is”.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13471856/1/After-The-Buzz (1)

[I’m really sorry about my English that I use in this fanfic. My vocabulary isn’t good due to English isn’t my first language. ]

You’re doing far better than I could in any non-English language, but you have a lot of issues and I’d strongly suggest finding a beta reader to look your fic over. English is a terrible language full of confusing rules, even for native speakers.

[In that event, There some grunts, Shelly, and obviously that Buffon, Matt]
Also, one thing to keep an eye on is your capitalization. English capitalizes names, not adverbs like “there” or descriptions like “buffoon”.

2 Comments

  1. CrazyEd says:

    …okay, so, this is clearly AU and all, but it’s jarring to keep the name of the place and yet somehow the location has nothing in common.

    There actually is a lighthouse near Cerulean City in the anime, though. It’s where Bill lives, remember? They met the Totally Not Godzilla Dragonite there?

    You should not be putting comments in the middle of your story at all, let alone with such frequency that you include it in a dialogue key.

    (You also shouldn’t be including dialogue keys.)

    Also, one thing to keep an eye on is your capitalization. English capitalizes names, not adverbs like “there” or descriptions like “buffoon”.

    I also think that should be a “there are”? Which, further confusingly, shouldn’t be “they’re”, unless it’s someone talking, and slurring the words.

    1. Farla says:

      “Near” is putting it much too strongly. It’s chronologically after Ash reaches Cerulean, but it’s also the middle of nowhere with it being a plot point that Bill didn’t expect anybody to be by, plus the general lack of any connection between the water gym Misty’s family runs and the actual ocean. Here, Cerulean appears to be a seaside location where the mermaids are just a short walk away.

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