Instead of more Blue, enjoy an obligative review, because although six week old squirrels do not require attention throughout the night, my own peace of mind did.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7101574/1/Pokemon-Johto-Revolution

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[The Pokemon League was disbanded, the members of the Elite Four fading back into society. Many uprisings occurred, causing several cataclysmic events that have been grouped together into a time period addressed as the Dark Days. By the end of this time, the Pokemon world was torn and in shambles, but unity followed with the creation of the Pokemon Committee. ]

But why did any of this happen? Why did the League fade? Why were there uprisings? Why didn’t the League return in response to them? If it all ends with another similar group in charge, why bother disbanding the League originally?

If you don’t have a clear idea of why events lead to each other, don’t open your story with an attempt at a history lesson. If it doesn’t matter why, write the story with the way things currently are and let people fill in the gaps. If it does matter why, you really need to figure that out first.

[By the end of Dark Days, the state of peace between humans and Pokemon had returned, allowing the old tradition of capturing and training Pokemon to come into effect again. ]

Seriously, why say things changed completely, then changed back? Also, why on earth would peace be what makes people start capturing pokemon?

[Under the leadership of the Committee, the Pokemon world had beend morphed into a Battle Circuit, a continuous competition where trainers across the globe battle each other, climbing up the ranks in the hope that they would reach the dream of becoming World Champion. ]

…how is that all that different than the regular system? I mean, I assume it’s less focused on badges, but in practice, trainers already battle other trainers to climb ranks and achieve dreams.

Also, spellcheck.

[the mysterious return of an organization known as Team Rocket has become active in the region. ]

So it’s been centuries, there’s been cataclysmic events, the very concept of capturing pokemon apparently went out of favor for a while…but Team Rocket is still around?

[Year-0046BR ]

So…whatever date they’re counting from, there’s still people alive currently that remember the time before. That suggests a pretty unstable society.

Starting a story with your character waking up is terribly overdone and was boring the first time.

[“Blake, get up already! Today I’m kickin’ you out of my house!” A female voice shouted from down the hall]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[Blake looked at himself in the mirror after changing into his clothes, his unzipped sweater hanging loosely around his torso, a pair of cargo pants with large pockets that he knew he wouldn’t use anytime soon, simple pair of sneakers and a t-shirt. All of his clothing was divided into a particular design between the colors Blake and silver. Around his neck was pair of large gray headphones that blocked out almost all sound from around him and it could wirelessly connect to his Poke’ Pod. ]

So, civilization collapsed to the point that they restarted the calender less than fifty years ago, but there’s still the same boring paragraph informing the reader he’s just like every other modern kid.

When you’re writing, you need to think about what actually matters. If something’s different than what a reader expects, then tell them how it’s different. If he has the standard alarm clock and standard clothes with the sadly standard headphones, don’t bother. If he’s wearing what we’d consider standard clothes that are ancient faded relics because all those cataclysms meant manufactured clothing is a thing of the past, if his alarm clock is a clunky windup thing because they don’t have reliable electricity, that’s interesting and says something about how the setting’s different. If he’s got headphones, who cares?

[his care taker ]

Caretaker, one word.

[unknown to everyone else, Blake was happy since he would finally be registered in the Johto Battle Circuit as well as receive his second Pokemon from the Regional Professor. ]

Considering that’s what everyone seems to feel, why wouldn’t anyone else know it?

It’s nice to finally see a story that has a trainer who already has a pokemon. But why bother having professors hand a second pokemon out in that case? The reason a first pokemon needs to be gifted is because it’s hard to catch another pokemon when you don’t have any.

[He only had one goal, become the best of the best. And to do that he would have to get to get to the World Summit. ]

Seriously, everyone gets it. You don’t need to show any of this because it’s the same opening every story has. The only reason to go through this is if it’s diverging somehow, but so far, all you’ve done is swap what term you use, not anything that matters.

[They were all excited and happy for Blake since he was the first person from this orphanage to enter the Battle Circuit, as well as receive special attention from the Albert Elm, the Regional Professor. ]

The calender restarted but an Elm is still handing out Johto starters?

Also, why is the orphanage so recent? Why haven’t there been older kids from it? Did something happen in the past to require a lot more orphanages? Did people just not bother with the concept until recently? Are orphanages short-lived organizations here for some reason?

[“Larvitar.” Blake greeted his partner Pokemon ]

So he’s got an insanely rare pokemon that can only be found in an area that regular trainers weren’t even supposed to go near because it was so dangerous.

[Larvitar was a big eater, and every morning it would mooch off of nearly everyone in the lunch room simply because no one besides Blake could say to to the Rock Skin Pokemon. ]

1) Doesn’t he have a pokeball? Can’t he just recall it?
2) If it’s that hungry, shouldn’t he be feeding it properly in the first place?
3) Why does the rest of the orphanage like Blake so much if his pokemon causes trouble?
4) Don’t do stuff like “the Rock Skin Pokemon”. It’s incredibly clunky. Use epithets when and if they actually matter. Unless you’re trying to imply that because it has rock skin, no one else dares say no, that shouldn’t be there. Definitely don’t capitalize it.

[Both Blake and Larvitar came to this orphanage at the same time after they were found in Goldenrod City together almost seven years ago. ]

So not only does he have a rare and valuable pokemon, he has a rare and valuable pokemon for absolutely no reason but specialness.

Also, why was he shipped all the way from Goldenrod to New Bark to a brand new orphanage? Are there none there or were they just full? Did something happen there that explains why people would rather build a new one in a different town?

[Blake couldn’t hold back a smirk when he realized this wasn’t one of his dream.]

You really could stand to proofread better.

[The woman was Lola, the owner of the orphanage and the lady who had found him in Goldenrod City.
“What?” He replied.
“You’re gonna leave without saying a good bye?” She asked.
“Yup.”
“Well I can’t let you leave without receiving some good luck from me.”
“Not interested.” He said, beginning to walk out the door. “But make sure you raise all these kids to be just as good as me.”
“Please, I can’t take another kid acting the way you did.” Lola muttered, following him out the front door, stopping on the porch. “Good luck on your journey kid!”
“Alright…I’ll be the Battle Circuit World Champion the next time you see me.” Blake proclaimed. “And I’ll find out what it means to be strong, and teach it to your good for nothing husband.”
“Blake, keep your nose out of my business.” Lola said angrily causing Blake to turn around.
“You know as well as I do that I’m just as involved as you are. I’m simply cutting off some loose ends. I hope you can do the same at some point since he’s never coming back.” Blake said, cutting Lola off from giving a reply since she knew his statement was correct.
Blake turned around, beginning to walk through the front yard, heading toward the gate. Every single window on the front side of the orphanage opened up revealing dozens of kids with flags and signs for Blake. ]

Well, Blake sure is unlikeable. Don’t believe you’ve given his age, but even assuming he’s in the throes of the surliest teen years, talking down to the woman who raised you like you’re the adult and she’s the dumb child is a bit much, particularly when the narrator acts like he’s right and then goes on to have everyone treat him like he’s the most awesome thing to exist.

[Larvitar was looking around, curious about nearly everything since it had never been outside of the orphanage compound. ]

Why hadn’t it?

[The windy town known as New Bark Town was a small town placed near the large river that linked up to Tohjo Falls. The town had a nice spring time feel with a constant breeze. Everywhere you looked was green and peaceful with a house that owned a large plot of land.]

This is really not how people think about places they live, and neither is it a particularly good objective description.

Also, why would this place be exactly the way it is in the games? Why say everything’s changed without any actual change showing up? And why does any of this matter?

Does the temperature apparently being spring year round mean he doesn’t have much experience with harsher temperatures or clothes packed that can deal with them on his journey? Do the houses all own land because this is a rural backwater and they farm, or because most of the population is wealthy and these are manicured estates? Did the orphanage also have a huge plot for the kids to play in, or were their lives more restricted? How much experience did this leave Blake with the outdoors? How do these things matter?

[“Alright Larvitar, this is the beginning of our conquest.” Blake said to his partner, receiving a nod from the Rock type Pokemon on his shoulder. ]

Also, how does the beginning of Larvitar’s conquest involve a trainer getting a second pokemon that will be used in battle instead of it? If you want to treat pokemon as actual partners, you really have to think about them and not just what the trainer wants.

[The oldest person in the group said. He was a little on the tall side with an egg shaped head that had a little patch of brown hair on the top. He wore a large white lab coat and pair of brown slacks. This man is the Regional Professor of the Johto Region, Albert Elm. ]

For god’s sake, just say Elm. You keep dancing around as if you have to list off everything about them before you’re allowed to say who they are.

Oh god now you’re doing it with the pokemon don’t do it with the pokemon. The only time to describe but not name a pokemon is if there’s some reason you don’t want the reader to know what it is yet. Absolutely never do it is when the reader already knows the pokemon before you even start on the description. People know what the starters are.

[The blue one is Totodile, the green is Chikorita and umm…where’s Cyndaquil?” Elm asked.
“Right here.” Blake said, watching as Larvitar and Cyndaquil stared at each other with a glare, standing in front him. This continued for a few more moments before the two shook hands with the small stubs that were their appendages. The two of them then climbed back up to Blake’s shoulders.
“What are you guys looking at?” Blake asked with a glare, wondering why everyone was staring at them since he found their exchange completely natural.]

Blake gets more irritating by the paragraph.

Nothing Blake’s actually done shows any reason for the cyndaquil to pick him, and why would he think this is normal if no one else does? What about him is actually different and deserving of any of this happen? If Blake had engaged the cyndaquil somehow in a way the other kids didn’t, then this would feel legitimate. As it is, it’s just standard sueism. Blake is special because everyone treats him as special, not because he actually has anything worthwhile about him.

Also, cyndaquil is the stereotypical tough-guy pokemon to go with that larvitar, so his team dynamic continues to bore.

[The only girl out of the group stepped toward the two remaining Pokemon. She wore a bright yellow shirt with a flora pattern along with a dark blue jacket over her shirt that was unzipped and a pair of blue denim jeans. Like most trainers, she wore a yellow belt around her waist that held on every trainers most valuable possession, the Poke-balls as well as a small pouch to hold a Potion in. She was light skinned, with long brown hair that stopped just below her shoulders. On her back was a one strap backpack that was blue like most of her clothing.]

NONE OF THIS MATTERS.

[Elm said, taking out three 7th Generation Pokedex’s.]

Apostrophes are for possessives, not plurals.

…and now Elm is saying the reason he’s giving those is because they’re so very special, these unremarkable new trainers who have done nothing interesting, and he’s sure they’ll do great things because the story says so.

[before you go, I want to warn you guys about the evil organization known as Team Rocket that’s regrouped in the Johto Region. They’re incredibly dangerous and I don’t want you guys confronting them until you’re stronger.” Elm began. “The Committee is already dealing with Team Rocket. I’m warning you now, do not stick your nose into Team Rocket’s business, you’ll end up in a lot of trouble.”]

Terribly stated.

All Elm should be saying here is to watch out for Team Rocket. That’s all. He doesn’t need to go on about it. He definitely doesn’t need to tell them to be sure they’re stronger, as if then, it’ll be totally fine to go against a giant sinister organization and make it clear that these guys are just going to be a midboss.

[“So where are you guys from?” Robbie asked, Totodile walking along side him as the group walked through the town toward the west exit of the town.
“Well I’ll go first. My name’s Mari. I’m from Cherrygrove City. I live with my mother and we work the local flower. I plan to conquer to Johto Circuit and then move up to the IBF and then the WPC.” Mari said, Chikorita at her side. “Your turn.”
“Okay then, my name is Robbie. I’m from Olivine City and I live with my brother who works in the Fishing Market that Olivine City has. First on my checklist is to take over the Johto Circuit. I’m heading straight for the top of the World.” Robbie exclaimed, putting his fist into the air, Totodile mimicking his actions. “Your turn.”
Blake remained silent.
“Hey, it’s your turn.” Robbie repeated, poking him a few times before Blake directed a glare at him.
“My name is Blake. I don’t know my city of origin but I’ve lived in New Bark Town since I was young. The whereabouts of my parents are unknown to me. My goal is take over the Johto, IBF & WPC Circuits and I have to find a certain person.” Blake said quietly.]

So nothing of interest and also the cliché boring team thing continues, with the new kids just happening to have starters matching their origins. Look, you knew they were each saying the same thing about beating everything, so why have them each repeat it? And why didn’t they notice, for that matter? This reads like they’re talking into a void.

Also Blake is rapidly approaching the point where I hope something just eats him and gets him out of the story. No one gives a damn where you were born in this conversation! Just say where you live and stop frantically trying to be Badass McAngsty.

Also why on earth are they traveling together? They have no reason to, it’s just happening without anyone even mentioning it. Blake obviously doesn’t get along with others, so why would the other two tolerate him?

[Anyway, the Pokemon Battle Circuit is one big continuous competition in stadiums across the world. There’s multiple ranks that trainers rise through as they become stronger and as they become better, they’ll go up from just a Regional level to an Inter-regional level and then if they really are a good trainer, they’ll be a recognized trainer in every region, or they will have reached the World level. It’s not to complex, but I was just thinking one day that even though we can tell who’s a strong trainer in the anime and games, there’s no clear answer as to who’s the strongest out there ( I know Red or Cynthia can be considered the strongest, and maybe even Steven, but its not like we’re ever going to see them battle each other ) so I designed the Battle Circuit to give that answer.]

This is terrible reasoning.

You’ve just replaced badges with ranks. They’re functionally identical, just your version is even blander and ignores the fact that there’s factors like type matchups and other rock-paper-scissors elements. You didn’t invent a new system for figuring out who’s strongest because it still comes down to who wins in a battle against the other person in both systems. Also, and this is the bigger problem, it has nothing to do with it being an interesting story or setting. The particular setup you have here is actually worse, because caring about which character beats which in a meaningless competition is not a good plot, and all you’ve done is try to make your story focus even more on that than a regular OT fic.