One’s everything you’d expect of trainerfic, the other’s a very different plot that ends up with a more general familiar problem.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7813314/1/Allora-Silverfield

Hm. That your character is the same as your penname is an ominous sign, and that it’s extremely odd is an outright problem. The story hasn’t even begun and you’re already piling on specialness.

[my Dad’s]

Only names and things being used as names are capitalized.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[“She has excelled greatly in many areas of study. She had the highest marks in both Battle Techniques and Strategies courses. She surpassed the Kanto averages in both Pokemon History and Egg Group Breeding courses.” ]

This is getting into one of the many problems with the idea of pokemon schools. See, either you’re going to have her operating on the same level as the average pokemon player, in which case why did it take her so long to learn what all of us managed easily, or you’ve got to somehow invent all sorts of advanced aspects of battles and then have everyone know those and use them against each other, which is a herculean task. And you can sort of see it with the “egg group breeding” being an entire course when as any player knows, all you do is look up what egg group one pokemon’s in, then look up the list of other pokemon that are in that group.

Pretty much the only way you can make this sort of schooling work to my knowledge is to throw out most of the existing game system and use something of your own invention with more emphasis on individual variation, so there’s all sorts of stuff that needs to be memorized and you can just invent facts and weak points as you go. But that’s tricky to pull off in fanfic.

[Once students graduate from secondary school, usually around age 16, we are allowed to choose our career path. After the first year at one career, switches are allowed. But one year is required at least before a switch.]

WHY, though? The kids with superpowered monsters thing was obviously working and without it there wouldn’t have been those kids around to save the world, and it means you’re now starting off in a world where we know existing challenges were faced down by preteens, so either your character shrugs those off and things are boring or they look incompetent for struggling.

And even beyond the general overage trainers thing, what’s the point of a strict career path? What on earth do they gain by refusing to let someone switch out after one week makes it obvious they’re not suited and forces them to slog through a year of it? What if someone changes their mind again, do they have to spend another year before switching? Is this insanity enforced for all jobs or just pokemon training? What happens if someone wants to do two things part-time? What happens if there’s just no work in their preferred job, do they have to wait a year before they’re allowed to go work at Walmart instead?

[and your “first” pokemon. The latter is just ceremonial usually. Most students have been training and caring for their own pokemon for years. ]

Then why would it happen like that in the first place? Why wouldn’t they move the ceremony down to when they’re first allowed pokemon or something?

[My parents are very… how do I say? Strict. They both believe that choosing my career and first pokemon should one big, sacred event, and that I shouldn’t pledge my heart to any pokemon until graduation day. Today. So though my parents both own pokemon of their own, and I have battled with, trained, bred, and befriended them, I have never actually owned my own pokemon.]

This makes even less sense.

I mean, at least you’re not saying she hasn’t had any at all while learning. But what exactly distinguishes a pokemon you’ve befriended, trained and used in battle from a first pokemon? And considering the training thing, it doesn’t make any sense anyone would think waiting was great. I mean, say it’s like if someone was learning to drive in an old, crappy car, and then got a nicer car as a present when they got their license, except that the car they were using to practice driving had in the process leveled up into a diamond encrusted plane.

Making a big deal of a first pokemon only makes sense if there’s some actual distinction there, like that pokemon and trainers have to have some unique bond to work together properly, with the training and leveling thing being minor in comparison. And that kind of focus on the individual really doesn’t fit with the idea of this being a modern setting where pokemon are interchangeable enough to have general classes about the whole species.

[In Kanto, there are hundreds of careers to chose from. Almost all of them involve pokemon.]

Holy shit so seriously you’re locked into whatever career is first out of your mouth no matter what? And how do they handle problems where there’s a glut of one career and a lack of another?

[To be a trainer is the most popular career to go into, and it is also the most popular one to drop out of. Many people simply do not make enough money to live off of training, battling, and collecting pokemon.]

What happens if you run out of money before your twelve months is up?

[The data recorded in Pokedexes is very important to governmental research, so those who are really good at getting complete data are also very well paid. ]

If you’re trying to turn the pokedex thing into serious research, it’s going to need more tweaks than that. Just seeing every pokemon isn’t really worth so much after the first person does it, and after another few dozen have done the same you’ll have a reasonable baseline. And everyone will have seen the common pokemon, so no one would care if you didn’t complete that section somehow.

It’d make far more sense for this to work on an individual grant basis. The researchers say they need X information (ie, survey the pokemon that live in this area! check on this species in this area during this season! look for differences among this species across multiple areas! find this species at all different ages! find tagged pokemon! retrieve the radio collars!) and there’s some bounty paid to people who deliver it.

[“And, ladies and gentlemen, that is Allora.” Riffe finally finished after what seemed like an hour. ]

This seems really, really weird. I think you’re trying to make her humble and stuff, but it’s graduation, most people are going to be pretty excited no matter how boring the speech is, and he’s giving her personalized compliments, which generally holds one’s attention. It’s hard to believe that someone would be dozing off during their moment in the spotlight.

And now it’s ending on pokemon being about to be released. If it’s just about seeing the pokemon, they must already know what these pokemon are and all the information they’d need to know if they want it. And it can’t be about picking based on personality or any other individual variable, because if so, more than just the one example of each species would need to be released at a time.

Overall, this is passably written but it’s pretty much the same overage trainer/trainer school thing as usual, with all the many attendant problems. I think you’d have been better served focusing on how you need to change things to make your setup work the way you want. Changing things isn’t a matter of saying they’re sixteen now and also my character only gets her first pokemon now because it’s supposed to be special. You have to change all the underlying reasons why things don’t work that way in standard canon.

And I really don’t see any underlying sense to her being the only one who doesn’t have a pokemon yet. It seems like one of those things where you’re trying to make her an underdog despite it not fitting with how everything else works.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7813314/2/Allora-Silverfield

[I am taking OCs.]

That is a really bad idea.

Okay, you don’t need to introduce each pokemon and you absolutely don’t need the instructor to tell students basic factoids like that charmander is rare. This is what I was getting into last chapter, people who are graduating from years worth of classes on the subject should know way more than even a devoted fan of pokemon, yet what’s popping up are things that are common knowledge even to casual fans. If you want to talk about them, find something original to say that sounds like something worthy of all those classes to know. Even just having her be able to recite their stats at a glance would be decent enough, particularly if she could give insights on how that would impact her strategy if she used one in battle.

[The second pokemon was a growlith. It was currently chasing the charmander’s swishing tail flame, and succeeded in pouncing on it. The charmander just grinned and closed its eyes. The flame on its tail grew twice its normal size. “Grow!” The growlith yelped and hit behind the instructor.]

Growlithe’s abilities are flash fire or intimidate. In one case it should be totally immune to fire, in the other it should be puffing up to look scary. In either case its pokedex entries revolve around it determinedly attacking opponents and being extremely brave.

Also, growlithe is spelled with an “e” as in lithe.

[The magikarp just flopped around saying “Karp. Karp.” And I could tell my classmates were wondering of what use it could possibly be. But I and a few others knew what happened to a magikarp if it was trained well.]

Why exactly is incredibly important well known information something only a few people know? Look, if you want this to be some secret thing? DON’T SAY EVERYONE GRADUATES FROM POKEMON SCHOOL.

You’ve misspelled gyarados as well. It’s best to enter them into whatever spellcheck you’re using.

And more infodumping about pokemon all of your readers should know.

[Mrs. Price took out a second Pokeball and threw it into the air. With a flash of red light another far’fetched was on the floor. This one was obviously female, and much more energetic than the other one.]

So why can’t people just pick from all of them, instead of having to hope whatever species they want also has the personality they want?

[I love all types of pokemon, and though I knew I would be able to catch other kinds later on, making a decision like this seemed biased.]

What? That’s insane.

[I had been skipped.

What! I thought. I made panicked eye contact with Cali, who just shrugged. She had chosen a charmander, no surprise. She always had a passion for fire Pokemon. Cali raised her eyebrows and mouthed, maybe it’s a mistake?]

Then why doesn’t she (or anyone else) do anything?

[“You did nothing wrong,” said a voice. I looked up. Mrs Price was standing at the podium.]

See in that case she’d have been warned in advance instead of letting her stew in misery.

[She read: “I have my eye on this one. These two are for her. She’ll do right by them. I hope we shall meet some day. –Erik”]

So she’s so incredibly special that the champion who she’s never even met has sent her two special pokemon before she even announced she’d even be a trainer. Also, why didn’t she still get to pick a pokemon? Everyone else already has pokemon, why would someone’s gift override the school handout?

[The instructor studied me, then said, “The Champion sees things. He has agents.]

If this is anything but a setup for the guy being the evil ruler of their secretly dystopian world I’m really disappointed.

And eevee. Of course eevee. Even though you had the perfect setup to get her an eevee by just making it one of the pokemon the school offers, or even from her breeder family, but nope, has to be something only she can have access to or it isn’t special enough.

[It then pulled up an evolution map of an Eevee. I gasped. Eevee could evolve into 7 different pokemon!]

I know I should have seen it coming when she was proud of being one of the few who know magikarp evolve into gyarados but good god, do the people in this world eat nothing but paint chips every meal?

And now despite the speech about how she’s so great because she doesn’t care about types so they can evolve into whatever, her paired eevees immediately get nicknamed with a sun and night name, and of course it’s the girl slated for espeonhood because they’re always girls.

This is really, really sueish. More damningly, the specialness of all this is the only point. A character out doing plot stuff with espeon/umbreon twins is cliche, but it’s not a big deal if they’re not the focus. But there was nothing to this chapter but LOOK MY CHARACTER HAS SPECIAL EEVEE AND ALSO THE CHAMPION THINKS SHE’S SPECIAL LOOK AT HOW GREAT AND SPECIAL SHE IS DID I MENTION HOW INCREDIBLY RARE THESE EEVEE ARE AND HOW NO ONE ELSE HAS THEM?

Also can I just say that the whole breeding thing gets creepier by the mention? If these guys are halfway intelligent, the fact humans control every aspect of their lives like that is pretty messed up.

It’s like every issue I have with trainer school kids rolled up in one.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8349559/5/Death-Desire-The-Immortal-Realm

This is really turning into a plot pileup. Everyone’s immortal and Jirachi’s crazy and demanding tribute so they’re trying to deal with that then one group wants to refuse entirely and then kidnapping and then for some reason a split at the rebellious group and also someone has some ability to kill people who have passed their fated death (shouldn’t that be everyone at this point? They don’t seem to be making much effort to avoid normally fatal stuff) and also it’s transferable and also it’s evil and also it possesses you AND ALSO the kidnapping was maybe faked?

It feels like you’re jumping from point to point without taking the time to develop what you introduce. You’re spending the minimum amount of time on something for the characters to explain it, then rush off to the next revelation. Just the fallout of everyone being immortal and what it’s done to their society is enough material for a whole story, but you barely finish explaining the basics before it’s on to the next issue.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8349559/6/Death-Desire-The-Immortal-Realm

[With a snarl, Gaius dug his claws into the ground and pushed himself forward, giving him an accelerated start before he raked his claws at the enemy, only to blink with surprise as his attacks had penetrated his body as if the pokemon was made of thin air.]

Unless ghosts are incredibly rare, it’s really hard to believe anyone would be making this kind of mistake. Especially a dark type whose natural movies should hit.

…and then for some reason he’s using flamethrower on it? Repeatedly? Gengar have crazy special defense and he should have all sorts of powerful, physical dark moves. And destiny bond doesn’t work like that – it’d be crazy overpowered if it did. Pain split is the move for swapping around damage.

I can understand that they think she’ll be upset if they know it was her dad that kidnapped her, but it also seems like extremely relevant information, and didn’t he say she was sixteen? Plus all the extra experience she’s had since the immortality thing, even if she isn’t able to mature. Hiding something important like this is what you do to six year olds, she’s more than old enough to be told what’s going on.

[ “What am I going to do about this freaking world?! That weavile was right – even if I kill a hundred of targets, I can’t change the system!]

Uh…it seems like no one’s having kids, so, actually killing lots of people would eventually work. You can’t have a system once they’re all dead. Yeah, it’d take a while but they’re all immortal, so that’s not really a concern. Besides, if it is such a big deal they should just look into duplicating the ability rather than straight up transferring it.

It’s weird to be emoing about how impossible things are when he’s just been handed something impossible a few hours ago. If there was ever a time to be hopeful that they’ll find a way, it’s now.

[Destiny Bond acts different in the ‘fiction world’. It returns damage instantly whenever the user suffers from damage. However, when damaged by someone else than your first target, the original victim will not be affected in any way.]

Why? That’s crazily overpowered, especially when combined with the fact ghosts can move through solid objects allowing them to easily retreat and make sure they only fight one opponent at a time.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8349559/7/Death-Desire-The-Immortal-Realm

…Gaius is only two years older than Tesla and he still has no problem lying to her about what happened?

[I’m supposed to search for a perfect fit, someone that can take care of Tesla and be the future ruler of Sunyshore!]

Yeeeah about that. I can’t help but notice that basically all the characters in this are guys. The girls are Jirachi, who you make a big deal about being definitely female rather than genderless right as you go on about how sweet and innocent and fragile her little mind is and how she’s being manipulated by an evil guy like an idiot, Tesla the kidnapping victim, Iris whose whole character is that she can’t handle having the killing power so she has to give it up to the guy who’s better suited for it, a minor chansey who I think is the only female adult at all here, and now a flashback to his young love interest. Meanwhile every time someone’s in charge of anything or doing things, they’re guys – the main character, the real villain, both town leaders (even the third person who takes over as leader), the temple is not only run by a guy but within it there’s a statue to his honored grandfather…

(Also how exactly does this ruler stuff work? It sure doesn’t seem to be by election, are they supposed to be basically the king of whatever city they’re in?)

Anyway, like I said earlier you’re sprinting from plot point to plot point, spacing out and developing them would really help them have more impact. Developing the fate thing in general would also be a really good idea, so far it’s just been people shouting IT’S NECESSARY and IT’S EVIL really loudly and I can’t make sense of it. It’d also really help here if there was a better idea of how the characters feel about being immortal – there’s definitely dissatisfaction but that seems mostly connected to the thing where Jirachi is their crazy overlord, with the general violation of natural order being a secondary thing.

I agreed to review the last three rather than first three here. I don’t think it really worked out properly and probably won’t do that again.