While most people go silent upon discovering it’s the review exchange, not the demand Farla review everything you write because she’s got so much free time, a couple people did actually follow through.
[Misty turns her attention back to the salesperson, “When does the next lift leave sir?”]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Also, you should probably have a comma between leave and sir.
[The salesperson glances down at his notepad before responding, “Not until tomorrow night.” (Please note it is the morning.)]
There’s no reason you couldn’t just mention it’s in the morning, or have the characters comment on that. You should never need to talk to the reader to explain things.
Ash and Misty both come off as incompetent jerks in this – not only are they getting lost on top of a mountain, but they’re not at all concerned about finding Brock, who could be in trouble.
[“Charmander, use flamethrower,” says Ash, pointing at the conveniently placed wood stack that he happened to wander upon.]
Also, you shouldn’t be pointing out plot holes. This is especially bad when you quickly change from using wood for heat to the whole body heat idea, which would seem far less random if they didn’t have a perfectly good fire.
[Misty finds herself squished by some squirtle and a little bulbasaur]
This sentence makes no sense.
Your story uses a very common plot/setting and doesn’t do anything with it. Also, the characters seem very flat.
[And also, Remember to Read and Review your opinions on it.]
Don’t capitalize random words.
[A Feline-like Pokemon]
Specifically, you only capitalize a word when it’s the start of a sentence or the unique name of an individual person or thing.
[Flashback]
Don’t label something “flashback”. It should be obvious from context.
[“We took down your whole army Mewtwo. We have you surrounded,” Domino said.]
It would be nice to have some impression of how they did this. The last time they made the attempt, they were threatening to attack pokemon he was nowhere near to help, not a full fight with something both sides consider an army. And their ability to threaten other pokemon had no bearing on their ability to take out Mewtwo himself – they had to convince him to give up.
[Even if you erased our memories again I will have some file of you to remind me of. We will always find you so there is no reason to run away.]
He can erase their memories then go blow up their files. Mewtwo blows buildings up all the time.
If you want to do a plot like this, you need to spend time explaining why Team Rocket is a threat to Mewtwo. The last time Team Rocket tried this, they had to use hostages because they couldn’t win a direct fight against him.
[anyways we already have a copy of your DNA so all we have to do is make a copy of you.”]
Then they should just kill him.
[“Pikachu can you hear me?” The Psychic-Type communicated telepathically.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[To search for an army to take down Team Rocket.]
Mewtwo is an army. If you manage to establish that Team Rocket has become significantly stronger to the point he can’t personally blow them up, he doesn’t need to go looking for help fighting them, he can just start cloning himself until there’s enough of them to blow up Team Rocket again.
[To keep the tournament tuned to the high class trainers, the planners created a steep set of qualifications to enter. The conditions were as follows: all participants must have all 4 regions’ badges, a starter Pokémon from every region, and at least 30 Pokémon caught.]
We don’t see people in the anime using the number or species caught as a qualification for anything, and it’s nonsensical. Why would only having six pokemon mean you’re less qualified than someone with fifty when you can only have a team of six? And even assuming this was just some sort of idiotic prejudice that good trainers must go through lots of pokemon before finding the best ones, no one would give a damn about needing to get the starters, of all things. Most people don’t even have one.
There doesn’t seem to be any point to this – all that matters from the point of view of the story is that you’re saying Ash is in a tournament. So why introduce all sorts of things that are at complete odds with how things normally function and serve no purpose?
[the guests Pokémon]
Always use an apostrophe for possessives.
[blunette]
Not a word.
[a 3 year age]
Write out numbers with letters.
There is never a good reason to just list every single character appearing and talk about them. It’s incredibly boring, it’s not serving a point to the story, it’s just namedropping.
[contined]
Spellcheck.
Your opening premise doesn’t make any sense. If fewer trainers mean wild pokemon become more aggressive and dangerous, then trainers will be more important to keep people safe and more people will become trainers. Furthermore, given pokemon are incredibly common animals, humans couldn’t survive if they all became giant people-eating monsters. You can’t survive in a walled city, you need a certain minimum of space to do things like produce food, and anyway, pokemon could easily break in even before considering the huge number that fly or teleport or just plain walk through walls.
And then you say in the opening paragraph that the main characters are going to end up being trainers and this will mean everyone decides pokemon trainings a great idea again, so it’s not like there’s even suspense about what’s going to happen.
[This is the story of the first four, and how they changed the world, for better or for worse.]
And it’s not like they’re even changing the world. They’re resetting it to the standard status quo. And obviously it’s for better because you just said pokemon are currently feral monsters.
Then you spend paragraph upon paragraph on the characters dicking around.
[“Then you all know that the reclusion was because the pokemon got to dangerous. They were threatening the lives of the children adventuring out, looking to carve a niche for themselves in the wall of fame. The wild tore these kids apart, children. The ones tat survived had seen their pokemon ripped to shreds, attacked, maimed. The ones that didn’t, well, when we got lucky and found their bodies, well, it wasn’t a pretty sight. The young trainer death rate was seventy four percent! Seventy-four! We couldn’t afford these losses any more. We had to stop.”]
Kids wouldn’t want to leave if it was that dangerous – consider how many kids voluntarily jump off roofs, which probably has a lower death rate than 3/4s – but neither would people put up with it.
In the real world, things like tigers eat humans. People respond by killing them right back. Aggressive pokemon should be driven to the edge of extinction, not left to get bigger and meaner.
And if the reason they did this was that they didn’t like kids dying, they would not use it as a punishment for kids who cut class. Because that’s stupid.
The original idea of the modified review exchange was to get people to review past the first chapter. Sometimes, this works. Other times it does not. I’m always somewhat confused by the people who want me to review a multichapter story but only review the first chapter of my story. It’s like they expect I’ll think their story is just so awesome that I’ll keep reading and reviewing for free. And this usually after they don’t even give much of a review in the first place.