Before we begin properly, I got two gifts for Ladystuck!
Jack: Fail to Ascend (BQ, Jack)
Wonderfully cathartic, and I love the expression on Jack’s head!
“They finally manage to find a position that works for them when he sits on the throne and she straddles him, and it’s enjoyable right until the moment he opens his mouth and tries to order her around, at which point he loses his throne privileges entirely.”
Their drunken attempts at dealing with each other are all hilarious but this wins for Jack never knowing when to stop. And aww, happy Derse! Basking in the glow of their successful genocide/universe murder, so cute.
So go appreciate those. As is the customary compromise, further Ladystuck reviews when I get to them one day.
than it clarifies – I don’t know what the “Carl Barks
continuity” involves beyond that by implication it doesn’t quite
get along with the movie canon, and googling doesn’t shed any light
on it, and then you proceed to list changes from the thing I don’t
know anything about. I really think you’d have been better off just
writing the fic and mentioning stuff when it comes up. Or if the
secondary continuity is important, list what stuff you’re importing
than 14 to read this, for it contains heavy language.]
better suited just warning for language so people can make their own
decisions, telling kids to stay out is counterproductive.
of vomit into its depths. ]
vocabulary doesn’t seem a good fit for how I remember the characters
talking in the movie. You seem to be working to make the sentences
clever but it’s distracting because it’s so different than how any of
them sound when they’re talking or thinking to themselves.
that most modern of ocean-crossing luxuries, an airplane, but she was
terrified at the thought of what would happen to her if the plane
should come apart in the air. After all, it was very new technology
and had not been tested by many. True, Charles Lindbergh had managed
to fly a good distance in one, and true, she would have several
guards on her with her on the most safe and well-put together model
of the day, but the technology was so new that she could not help but
fear that it might crash into the sea and who knows what terrors
hauint the sea? Perhaps a shiver of sharks would devour every member
of the crew once they had fallen into the plane, or perhaps the plane
might crash right above an iceberg, in which case she would fall
directly on top of it and surely break most of her bones? ]
People were afraid of planes because they might crash and then
everyone would die. Guards don’t matter and she wouldn’t be listing a
bunch of possibilities that sound more like shipwreck scenarios. And
why even go on about this in such detail?
check up to make sure her restaurant was being run properly, as she
had last come back to find it being run in a most disagreeable and
unprofessional fashion ]
restaurant is technically owning a restaurant on paper but not
running it in any way. I’d sooner believe she was running one as a
side job while queen in her new country.
working as a waitress at a restaurant at age 17. ]
at, especially given how poor she is and how obsessed she is with her
Maldonians worshiped Bolda, the god of Maldonia). ]
huge deal when he showed up, rather than just the prince thing? How
does this all figure into the fact they were hit by magic spells
powered by various spirits and know those exist?
Why would you wish to come on deck?” ]
room? Or she wanted fresh air? Unless her room is in just the right
location, it’s probably not going to be too different in terms of
motion. If she’s healthy enough to be walking around it doesn’t seem
like she’s in any danger from seasickness, anyway.
you two jackasses to escort me.”]
out of nowhere. And then she keeps doing it.
the doorknob off with his knife.
as she heard the noise. “Hey, you can’t leave me locked in here!
Ah, applesauce!” Tiana cried.]
psychotically controlling to the point of abuse. Also for some reason
you’ve flipped to kiddie not-swears.
The King of Maldonia was more powerful than the Queen, she knew that.
She regretted having lost her temper like that. They were only
following orders, after all. Besides, Naveen was right. ]
endangering her, since when is she the sort of person to accept her
husband being allowed to lock her away at will?
and Tiana was not allowed to leave her room for one minute of it. She
almost went mad twice, but the guards came in and reassured her both
times, and she bore no ill will against them, although she decided
she was to give her husband a thorough scolding the moment she could
find a phone to place a call to Maldonia. ]
Divorce her husband. This is insane.
the Queen of a foreign nation, especially considering her color ]
hamhanded. I can’t exactly say to follow the Disney route of just
ignoring it as hard as you can, since that’s got its own issues, but
this feels like it’s too far in the opposite direction, especially
when Naveen is dark-skinned.
APPRECIATE IT VERY MUCH IF SOMEONE WOULD TELL ME OF DESCRIPTIVE WORDS
FOR 1927 SOUTHERN BELLE CLOTHES) ]
like how Al Jolson uses blackface to demean negroes.” ]
being terrible took a long time to crystallize, and since it has your
readers could probably work out what’s behind it if Tiana just says
she doesn’t enjoy blackface.
The movie showed her growing up a bit, so why is she a thousand times
pointing out this doesn’t make sense, so I guess it’s for a reason?
But then the reason appears to just be that she’s drunk.
sure what’s going on because it’s unclear when they’re talking about
the original plan and when they aren’t, since the only reference to a
schedule is the kill every July plan, but that one seems like the one
being called idiotic (and I can’t understand why advance warning
would ever seem like a good idea, even to an idiot).
referred to as a group? You keep saying y’all.
complete. You refer to this as an “episode”, but it’s
functionally a first chapter – things are introduced but not
developed let alone resolved.
days for such a trip. I was just estimating. If anyone has the real
amount of days a journey like that would take (from Louisiana to
Romania), I’d appreciate it. ]
to another author in what looks like it’s a reply about something
else. That sort of thing shouldn’t be here at all – PM them if you
want to talk.
here, it’s a bit hard to tell if what’s going on is meant to build on
something or if it’s pointless, but the opening seems pretty
content-free. Ash and Dawn are apparently together to some degree,
and maybe this is new development. But then you spend a third of the
story on Ash watching snippets of other pokemon battles that’s just
“Pokemon used Move on Other Pokemon! Now on to Different Pokemon
used Different Move on Yet Another Pokemon!”
entertaining at the best of times because they’re something that’s
very dramatic on the surface but is being done for little or no
stakes – a loss just means nothing’s changed yet, because you can
always try again. Taking that setup and using it to show moments in
the battles of complete strangers is incredibly boring.
a halt by being bossy, and Ash complains about this. Since I’m not
sure where their relationship was last chapter, I’ll guess this isn’t
business as usual but showing they’re developing friction. Then more
of that. And now Ash has met some guy and they’re discussing a video
game of version of pokemon battles in intense detail, because I guess
you thought fictional battles weren’t boring enough and decided they
needed another layer of pointlessness. And it’s really just a
description of our game because you want to avoid having anything at
all be interesting about the focal point of the scene. Then they have
an actual battle because the guy says they should. It’s inconclusive
and there’s no sign it’d matter what the outcome was anyway.
battle, and we drew.” Styles got up, careful not to move too
suddenly. “Until we meet again,” he said. He then walked
away leaving Ash alone on the battlefield.
After a few minutes of going over what just happened, he went to go
and find Dawn.]Not even Ash seems to care about it. Why are
you bothering to show scenes that don’t even matter to the people in
doing the super interesting lying around in a bathing suit.
Apparently they’re not only not in a relationship but Ash is still in
the what are girls stage. Also still falling for Team Rocket
all the not-events of the chapter, and Brock figures out Dawn likes
him but because explaining that would come perilously close to this
chapter mattering, he doesn’t.
wanted me to review a “filler” chapter since filler is by
definition something that’s just a waste of everyone’s time, but I
was hoping you didn’t mean that and were using it to mean, say,
downtime or independent subplot or whatever. But this really did live
up to the meaning of being full of words that are just there to fill
space. You’re not getting paid by the word here, there’s never any
reason to spend time dragging fanfic out. Words, scenes, chapters,
everything should be adding something new.
think it was a good idea to specifically ask me to review this
chapter, especially after review month of all times which is full of
complaints about nothing happening.