Hey bitch.
You think that it’s funny to put very rude and self-esteem lowering reviews on other peoples stories don’t you.
Now i don’t know what your problem is, but if you think making my best friend cry because of a review you left her is HILARIOUS then you should go to hell.
YOU FAGGOT.
YOU’RE JUST A FAT UNEMPLOYED 50 YEAR OLD MAN WHO HAS A HEAVY FUCKING ALCOHOL ADDICTION, AND FOR FUN MESSES WITH 6TH GRADE NEWBS AT FAN FICTION TO ” HELP THEM. ” YOU KNOW WHAT? IF YOU REALLY WANT A BAD STORY, CHECK OUT MY BOOK, LAVENDER TOWN ADVENTURES. STOP FUCKING UP MY FRIEND AND READ SOMETHING ELSE DAMN IT.
GET. A. LIFE. MOTHER. FUCKING. TIT. LICKER!
Why don’t you just go to mother fucking hell and lick the fucking devils penis. You doosh.

IM ABOUT TO KICK YOUR ASS.
IMA FIND OUT WHERE YOU LIVE, KICK YOU IN THE BALLS AND SHOOT SOME BEBE’S INTO YOUR FUCKING ASS.
YOU CRUSHED GREYROSEREDDRAGONS DREAMS OF BEING A WRITER.
SHE’LL BE DEPRESSED FOREVER AND ITS ALL YOUR FAULT YOU COMPLETE DICK.
ALL SHE WANTED WAS TO MOTHER FUCKING USE THIS TO WRITE FREELY.
YOU ASSHOLE.
Love,
Taili the eevee AKA Rachel Peacock.Ps. UR A COCK U ASS

Hello! I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to review my story. As I was reading your review, I noticed some of the advice you gave me didn’t make sense. I’ll start with the first thing. Semicolons. Semicolons are the same as using a comma and a conjunction. The phone rang, and I answered it. The phone rang; I answered it. Those mean the exact same thing. Also, the only reason I would use a semicolon would be because I noticed myself saying , (conjunction) too often, not so I’d appear to be a big shot.When I was writing my story, I originally put Frost’s body temperature to 20 degrees, but at the last second, I changed it to 70. The only reason I did that was because he’s not a walking blizzard. He’s a human. When it was 20 degrees, it just felt to extreme as he lost his humanity. When it’s 70, it seemed like he was still a human and not quite what the scientists wanted him to be which was a walking blizzard.

The reason they aren’t kept in separate cages is a spoiler but I doubt you’ll finish my story. When Scarlet was brought there, the cut on her eye became infected and they thought she was going to die so they chucked her in with Frost. When she was recovering and not dying they were going to move her, Frost argued to let her stay and it didn’t make much of a difference to them so they left her. After that, they just were lazy and threw Ink in with them and continued on this way. Spoiler again, but have you ever played Pokemon Black and White? This takes place in the P2 laboratory. A lot of it was built underground to hide it but they don’t have a lot of space down there. One cage is big enough.

The next thing was about dialogue and grammar. Thank you for pointing that out. I really suck at grammar so those tips really help. As for why Pokemon is capitalized, the franchise always capitalized it so I just followed what Nintendo was doing.

I questioned his methods. Questioned can be used as a verb, right?

The cloud thing, yeah that doesn’t make sense. I was outside and I was feeling all zen when I was writing and I just thought it sounded cool. xD

I understand that children remember their names but there is a reason why they couldn’t remember theirs. This is another spoiler but I don’t think you’re going to keep reading but here it goes.When they were taken, the scientists blocked their memories so they wouldn’t remember freedom and come to want it, or at least delay the process. When all of them were taken, their memories were blanked. They renamed themselves using their abilities because that’s all they’ve ever known. Their lives inside the lab were all they could remember. That also indicated the memory blank.

The word truculent, by the way, is an adjective. It means fierce and cruel. When you use the word, you can use it to describe someone’s personality. He had a truculent additude, or her comment was truculent. When you say they took truculent tests, it meant the tests were fierce and cruel. What’s wrong with that?

As for why they blasted the crap out of Scarlet, for the scientists, that was like killing two birds with one stone. Here we go, another spoiler. They are being trained to become secret weapons of the army. They are forced to learn how to suffer. By burning Scarlet, they tested the fire thing, but they also taught her how to suffer. You can’t teach someone strength, but the idea is that’s what they were trying to teaching Frost and Scarlet.

I really appreciate that you took the time to review my story but many of your points weren’t valid. Everything is not what it seems is a central idea in this story. You picked up on a lot of foreshadowing, but just because it didn’t make sense at the time, you flamed the crap out of it. Every word as it’s purpose in Scarlet’s world.

A response to your review at http://www.fanfiction.net/r/8901983/Hey sorry for the late reply. First of I’m sorry for the spelling and punctuation errors, I have dysgraphia (it’s kinda like dyslexia but more to do with forming sentence structure than spelling) so I don’t spot mistakes as easily when i proof read (believe me that i do a lot of it – i’m probably going to proof read this message at least twice and still miss something) as for the semis i kinda need them for long sentences, otherwise i get lost (its part of my disorder).

I disagree with the capitalisation, tho I’ve seen a lot of authors do it with capitals and others who don’t, personally i think it should be down to personal choice. Oh and the whistle was meant to relate to Amber. The idea was that she wanted to be set free from the place and called (whistled) Red to get her out. As this idea was classed under mystery i was hoping for the reader to figure that out.

Thanks for reading tho,
Have a nice day.
92fd

A response to your review at http://www.fanfiction.net/r/8907126/Pokemon have names. They’re always capitalized.

This is just some little story I made, nothing big, and I’m not continuing it. I don’t really care about the current myth, I thought it would be fun to write.

A response to your review at http://www.fanfiction.net/r/8920662/Dear Farla,

First of all: ‘wow’. This is my first ever review and it’s a big one right of the bat :D.

Second of all: ‘ouch’. Need I remind you that I’m not English or American, but Belgian and thus Dutch. So the part of your feedback concerning the grammatical aspect of the story was, while appreciated and noted, worded slightly harsh. It was an informative read, though. Learn something new every day, I guess.

And before I get into your criticism, I would like to explain the concept of ‘feedback’ to you. Giving someone feedback on their story is not only subjectively telling people what you think is wrong with it, but also telling that person what you think is good about it. The latter is especially important if you really want someone to improve. It encourages them to improve their skills. You did not give me feedback. You gave me criticism. Which comes off as condescending and arrogant, and you wanting to feel superior for whatever reason. I’m sure this isn’t the case, though. So please, if I can entice you to read and give feedback on my other (future) work, heed this advice. Especially if you want me to actually heed yours.

Now, on to our dialogue.

Your comment:
[Having pokemon have humanlike intelligence and the ability to communicate this tends to raise a lot of problems with otherwise treating them as pets.]

This was going to be explained in chapter two. I don’t think it would be good for the story if I just gave everything away right of the bat. It would be boring if that was the case, I think. (Not that it isn’t now, I came to that conclusion myself. But then decided to post it anyway, because I put much time and thought into it :p) I think I need to decide up front about what I’ll reveal, what not to, and what to allude to. This time I kind’ve did it on the fly, which didn’t work out.

And I’ve also realized that I jump between past, future and present tenses in this story. I can’t seem to help it, but it’s definitely something I will look out for in my rewrite. It’s probably also augmented in a negative way because of my on-and-off writing. I would write a bit and stop, do something else, and then continue without much regard for earlier verb tenses. I did proof read it, but it’s rather hard to do when your bad at it. Should probably get a béta to help me with that, actually.

[It’s really not that pricy. Can’t be in order to have a reasonable number of trainers traveling around. Pokemon trainers get free food and lodging at pokecenters and seem to get various other discounts and special treatment.]

I should have made this more clear for the readers: it’s AU, as in alternate universe, as in I don’t have to follow canon. In my (attempted) harsher presentation of the pokémon world, trainers don’t get coddled. They have received basic survival training in school from since they were young, to when they were eleven. Young trainers do die often in this story. Then why allow it as a parent? Because it potentially brings a lot of prestige and money to the family if the child is successful. Never mind the fact that training pokémon is part of their culture.

About your point about it not being that pricy. Again, in my story it is. How do middle class people afford it? Scholarships, loans and savings. Like people do in real life. Again, I didn’t reveal everything right away, because it would’ve been too technical and boring. I already thought I said too much stuff like that to be honest.

[This doesn’t really fit with how pokemon work. The whole idea of pokemon is that they get way stronger when they’re raised, so while a rattata and charizard, all things being equal, will be a lopsided battle, a well raised rattata will still be a strong combatant and capable of doing a lot of damage. And even if pokemon have set power levels and there’s no point in training at all, he’d still be better off with one weak pokemon than no pokemon at all.

Again, I decide how pokémon will work in my story. I see I need to be more clear about that beforehand and during the story. But you have a point. It wouldn’t work. I had my own doubts about it, but decided to give it a go and see where it would lead me. So the class system will be different in my eventual rewrite, as will the pokémon that people without a license are allowed to legally have at a certain age.

[Also, why not just get an illegal pokemon instead of dealing illegal drugs? It’s a lot more direct of a way of dealing with the problem.]

He actually did get a pokémon in an illegal way (his porygon2 on a black market website that dealt exclusively in porygon). And as for why he started dealing drugs and not just get illegal pokémon (and I assume start his journey)? Because you need a trainer’s licence to participate in gym battles, to thus get prestige, money and in general be successful. And that is what the main character wants.

[That would only make sense if the reason for the restriction was solely pokemon going rogue and attacking people on their own. And in that case, your character really should be mentioning that the average pokemon is really dangerous in addition to the other problems with being a trainer]

That’s a very good point, and something I realize I wasn’t clear on, or just left out out of sloppiness.

[ I really can’t tell if this is intended to be about the world and why it’s like that or if it’s just to make your character’s life harder. Is it expensive, or is this necessary to pay for the screenings and make sure trainers don’t run around causing trouble?]

This is an attempt to make the story more realistic. I don’t know if you know this but screenings like the ones preformed in the story are very VERY expensive in real life. Multi-national companies spend millions of dollars on screening potential employees every quarter, for example. The point in the story was a setting where they collected as much information about a trainer, asking him/her to pay them for doing it, and then giving them the right to start training pokémon and participating in official battles. It’s also a way to track down trainers who break the law. Hence the fingerprints and DNA-tests. Again all of this isn’t said outright. That would be too blunt for my tastes and reveal to much at once.

Also, the main character is 14/15 and doesn’t know everything! He’s a teenaged boy, whose confused and scared about his own abilities, paranoid and distrustful because of past experiences, naïve in the way that only experience can stomp out, and arrogant and over-confidant in a way that only a hormonal boy can be.

[…and now it’s going on and on and on about gangs. I really don’t see the point here. And now a lot of talk about Eli that seems like it’s just there to try to make the guy look cooler. You were doing a lot better at characterizing him by actually writing about him rather than about someone telling the reader about him.

Ah, back to him.]

The gangs and the streets is the environment where Eli grew up. Of course I have to talk about them. And Reggie Rooks was going to be the main antagonist for a while. Just as Keenan, Eli’s best friend and the one who was talking about him, was going to be a major player. It wasn’t a ploy to make the main character look cooler. It was more of a ploy to give an insight into the way Keenan looked at Eli, namely in cool awe and respect, but underneath that also with fear. As an added bonus, you got to see more of Eli and the history between him and Keenan. So I disagree with you on this.

To be continued

A response to your review at http://www.fanfiction.net/r/8920662/continuation

[This seems like the sort of thing a fifteen year old might say and think was very clever, but not how an adult woman, even a younger one, would likely react. If she’s reacting in shock it probably has more to do with the fact that a kid who’s fourteen saying this is something that gets you on sex offender lists.]

I disagree. In the way that some 15 year old girls can look remarkably mature for their age, so can boys. This too I could blame on the fact that Eli’s body is very much so because of his supernatural adapted state. And the young woman in question was only about two years older. Now I’m not an expert here on woman, but I do know for a fact that young woman are not that mature as they would like the rest of us to believe. At all.
In the story I didn’t say anything to suggest that her face flared red because it was true that she was attracted to him. She was just embarrassed because she wasn’t expecting him to take it so far and while her employer was watching. She got over it fast enough. And really, sex offenders list? I do hope your not serious right, because that sounds too ridiculous for words. Talk about overreacting. It’s a curse for being beautiful, you can’t expect every slightly perverted comment or attempt at charm to land that person in jail or prosecuted. Why? Because there would be more people in jail than out! No joke.

[Arg, was this really necessary?]

What do you mean here exactly? -_-‘

[Okay, that’s a bit more understandable, but in that case, why wouldn’t he know it was possible? And he must have gone to a doctor before now, someone should have noticed and pointed it out. From how Oak talks about it they’re generally well known and successful people.]

Because it’s not generally known, duh. People tell so much bullshit and tall tales that you can rarely distinguish between reality and fantasy. It’s supposed to be something that’s whispered about, feared. It’s something you would first have to see to believe, I think. I was going to have the leaders of the world be adapted people. They would be wrapped in mystery, controlling from the shadows.

As for not going to the doctor? He’s paranoid, and doesn’t trust people in general. People not pointing it out? Well, there are rumours about an insanely strong kid floating around, but it’s mostly hearsay for a lot of the people who know. And people only believe what they see. Besides, gangsters don’t talk to regular people or about fights. That’s common sense.

Besides the kind of strength Eli has, is still not very flashy or so noticeable that people would turn around screaming their heads of and calling him a freak or a monster, now is it. Right now, his powers are still immature. Enhanced speed, strength and reflexes. That’s it. And not the superman kind of enhancement either.

[Also from how Oak talks there doesn’t seem to be any real purpose behind all the money issues. The setup you have here seems to be one where there’s an enormous amount of control over who has pokemon, which in turn defines basically everything in this world, but there’s no sign of why or if it’s going to impact your story beyond your character complaining about how expensive stuff is.]

First of all: Oak is a rich bastard in my story, and always has been (if the description of his lab was any clue at all). It’s always been like that. So for him it’s not really an issue about who gets to be a trainer or not, only about who can afford it. You talk about giving signs of future impact on the story, but doesn’t that give to much away in one go? Why should I do that anyway? I want you to tell this story as if you were in a fourteen/fifteen year old’s shoes, not knowing everything is part of that. And complaining about stuff is practically a description of a fifteen year old.

[Well, anyway. Your writing is really sloppy, you jump between first and third person a lot and have various other errors. Proofread better. I’m also still not clear what the purpose of your setting is.]

Tell me something I don’t know or you’ve not said before, please. What other errors? You might as well be thorough. Got to be more clear about stuff, got it.

—-

Phew. Hopefully you’ll read all of this. I do really appreciate you taking your time reviewing my work. And even though I don’t agree with everything you’ve said, I’ve learned new things. I would ask you to use better arguments to better support what your saying most of the time, though. Sometimes you come off to much trying to mold the story into your image, of what you think the AU ought to look like. Which is not the point of reviewing or providing feedback.

Hopefully you’ll provide counterarguments for all I’ve said and you’ll review future stories for both of our benefit.

Thank you.

Signed, Kenrovan

A response to your review at http://www.fanfiction.net/r/8927675/Fixed basically everything, except the dialogue. I’ll be steadily working on that. As for wussiness, fixed that. Read the new summary! The messed up sentence is fixed, too. You see, sometimes I start a sentence and then never finish it or it ends up missing a part. I don’t know why that happens…