Hollystar122A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/10939731/
The capitalization of Pokemon and each Pokemon species is correct, as can be seen on resources such as Bulbapedia and in the games. Same with the Professor thing, as it is a title.
Thanks for the grammar clarification. I heard the it’s and it is thing before, but since I never heard it again, I assumed that the person was incorrect or I misunderstood them.
As for the whole Legendary thing, I’ve already planned out what is to happen in terms of that, and it will not be an occurrence at the end of the story.
This is going to come up a lot, so I’ll just say this once: I hope Bulbapedia and everyone involved burn to death. The whole Charmander/Pokemon/Pokeball thing I could understand, but now it’s spread to the rest of English and I have stupid fuckers explaining to me that no, Professor and Doctor is always capitalized, Bulbapedia is an authority and so must be blindly obeyed in all things. I would like to give a special personalized fuck-you to the people who started the whole capitalization = “X method” thing and legitimatizing the idea there’s no right answer just do whatever the fuck you feel like.
Look at what you’ve done.
The Incomplete NightmareA response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/10940828/
The writing’s a bit bad, as I’m just starting out. The gender description is meant to be him, I just made some typos that I will be sure to correct.
You bring up good points. I am still a developing writer and I really appreciate your review. I see it as a something I still struggle on when making stories. I have also noticed in my other writings is when I describes scenes, the words are sometimes organized in a way that requires readers to think harder than they should.
To think you took the time to write that means a lot, along with the fact you’re the first person on here to criticize my writing.
If you do that with other writers, then I think you should take pride in it and keep doing it, even if you do have to get mean.
Thank you for the review. I appreciate valid criticism and I’m glad it was done by a veteran. There are a few things I wanted to address:
1) Of course proper nouns are only capitalized. However, almost every notable Pokemon resource out there capitalizes the names of Pokemon, whether referring to a specific character or just a general term for the species (Bulbapedia, Smogon, Pokemon Wiki etc). Therefore, I’m going by the same naming conventions that are almost unanimously accepted in the entire community.
Example: “May received an Egg from a Daycare Worker in May’s Egg-Cellent Adventure. The Egg hatched into an Eevee in Time-Warp Heals All Wounds, and evolved into Glaceon before May met back up with the group in A Full Course Tag Battle!.” – Bulbapedia
As with “Professor”, it’s used as a similar designation as “Dr.” so, in those circumstances it has to be capitalized (ex. Professor Oak, Professor Elm etc. – again, I’m using the same naming conventions found in Bulbapedia, the games, and most well-known Pokemon resources). You are right about some of the other times I unnecessarily capitalized, and I will have to correct those.
2) I’m not really sure what was wrong with the dialogue. I looked over again and I’m pretty sure I followed English grammar conventions. Point me specific instances where I do not abide by said conventions.
3) The dream in the beginning is to mirror the start-up blurbs in Pokemon R/S/E. That sort of thing never happened to May/Sapphire in the anime or manga, and I added it as an intro/epilogue to Brendan’s adventure. because, this is ultimately about Brendan’s journey from Littleroot to Ever Grande, and his encounter with a variety of characters with different dreams, aspirations, goals, and philosophies. The other reason why I started the story as a dream is because it is relevant to an underlying theme in the story.
Certain characters from the games and anime are expanded and are multi-dimensional. For example, the man and the diary play an important role in my story. And the character is given that much depth. One of the primary antagonists is a character-of-the-day from the anime who has recurring appearances and completely changes the dynamic of the story.
This story isn’t about copying the anime or the games, and it shouldn’t. It’s a whole new story, given to a character who fans know little about aside from the manga. In fact, nearly all of the major characters are given far more depth than the few lines of words they received in their respective game or anime. And it is from the first chapter, that the story starts to deviate from the norms and what everyone has expected.
4) His father is Professor Birch since May’s father is Norman the Gym Leader. No conflict. That’s how it’s supposed to be, at least according to R/S/E/OR/AS.
5) He was never “not fine” with Pokemon, ever. If you see a gray, reptilian, bulky animal in your house handling the items that you’ve never seen before, you’d probably be startled as well. Just because he’s lived in Goldrenrod and has seen Pokemon does not mean that he is familiar with Machoke…or Machoke handling your television.
6) I kind of agree with the Eevee thing. Though, I’ve only seen it being used as a starter (game-wise) in XD and by Blue. A lot of things do change from the games such as Pokemon availability and Gym Leaders teams.
Again, thanks for the review. I knew that this chapter was going to be pretty bland for the most part, but the last two paragraphs of the chapter do demonstrate the beginning of a noticeable deviation from the norm and expected. I wanted to transition from what we know to what we don’t know.
Hey! I appreciate the review very much! Going to run though your points real quick.
Concerning the capitalization, okay got it.
Over the semicolons, one/two of them were actually suggestions from my beta. I do admit I have a bad habit of overusing semicolons since my mind tends to go “the pair of sentences are related!” and me wanting to change up the writing style somewhat. Sounding pretentious is the last thing I want to do, urgh. But yeah, I’ll be more aware of that.
I do agree the story is one-note. The Professor Oak and Blue interactions I did enjoy writing the most. When I got my Yuletide assignment, I mulled over how to approach the “Professor Oak gift wrapping” prompt. I originally was just going to show the first and last scene, but then I thought showing the other gifts the other characters got from Professor Oak would fit the prompt better.
Chisais-RedorbshippingA response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/10939161/
Thank you for the advice! I’ll keep this in mind for the next thing I write!
Wow….I didn’t realise how dull, uncreative, and terrible my story is. Thank You for pointing out that my writing skills are crappy and that I rush through chapters without reviewing them. :/ :(
Wow, thanks! I’m not the best writer, so I totally appreciate getting constructive criticism.
As for the capitalization thing…I checked a forum to see what others thought, since I wasn’t sure. It seems as though there are many different methods and that many people advise viewers to simply do whatever they prefer. I think that’s what I’ll do. I prefer to capitalize terms like they are written in the games, and so will most likely continue to do so. I’m leaning towards using a mix between the context-dependent Bulbapedia method and the “official” Bulbapedia method, which you may or may not be familiar with.
In response to the plot issues: Yeah, I get that it makes for a boring (and possibly irritating) character. I have a frustrating habit of writing without planning out the entire plot first, so I just write whatever comes to me. In the future, I plan to push Akari away from Cilan quite a bit. He’s more of a guide on her journey than the destination, even though it doesn’t seem that way yet.
Actually, in this particular forum discussion, you came up a lot. It seems that I’m not the first to receive this sort of feedback from you, and so I doubt I’ll be the last. While I can agree that my writing needs work, I almost don’t want to improve just because you told me that you “hope this gets some sort of plot.”
Not everyone can be as great as you, Oh Great and Powerful Farla.
Thank you again for reviewing.
I will say I appreciate actual venom over people just shrugging. Also, this is at bingo-card levels.
9999War Master129A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/10941707/So what are you trying to say?
I understand that what point are you trying to makeI’m just a little off that’s all…I’m just asking is this what you dislike about the first chapter
????Well then, I am sorry I have not fulfilled your needs. However, I will tell you the truth.I am not the best student in my English class but I can still write a good fanfiction. Also about the disadvantage problem, Dennis has a lot more experience in battling than Daniel which helped him win. My story is based on both the game and pokemon series which if you watched, you can watch how many times disadvantage does not matter. And just like that, I gave you a chunk of details related to the storyThat might not be true but maybe it isThanks a bunch for the review, and yeah I did have a few capitalization errors when I originally edited this. I thought I’d weeded them out. But the Pokemon one was intentional. Pokemon as a word actually is capitalized in in-game texts and written media for the franchise.
Also the Oran berry in the middle of the desert comes from a concept in the Mystery Dungeon games where you randomly find items in Dungeons. Likely the loot of lost explorers.
I imagined Sableye talking in a kind of etheral voice, which is what the weird quotations were. But if it’s distracting then maybe it didn’t work the way I’d thought.
Okay on the first chapter I didn’t mean for it to come off as if I owned e only reason I placed it there was for people who didn’t know what I was talking about as it took a couple of days for me to find it,I would rather not trouble the readers.I’ll put a disclaimer on the next chapter.
What exactly do you mean by,”a bunch of this is creep”?
Did I write that correctly?I looked at your writing guide and there is no section about that,and to top that off I haven’t learned it in class yet.
On the second chapter thank you for spotting these mistakes,and explaining them to me.I’ll try to exercise these when I can.About the drabble definition thanks for answering my question.If you’re wondering why I thought it was about time and not quantity,I compared it to a doddle,or my understanding of what a drabble is.
Thank you for taking your time to review!
Picture this – you see a man and a woman are standing together. He kisses her. She is upset and walks off. He chases her. She starts screaming at him to leave her alone, cursing at him and shouting it’s over. He grabs her, saying he knows that she still wants him and trying to pull her closer. She screams and starts hitting him, but he only holds on tighter. Is this going anywhere good, do you think?
For example(taken right off the chain),
A)When she looks at you with doubt,back yourself up…
B)When you see her at her worst,tell her she’s beautiful…
C)Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid…
D)When she’s bored and sad, hang out with her…
E)When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is;”Who’s butt am I kicking, Sweet??”
e order you placed them in also made your point more appealing,but the text isn’t meant as a”Use them all at once” it’s more of a “”.
3.You could have easily just said you didn’t agree with most of them instead of saying it’s creep some girls/guys don’t agree and some girl/guys do it’s just a matter of perspective.
y the example you gave me actually ey are already in a relationship she looks at his mouth(lips),and he catches her staring so he kisses en she gets mad,so either he’s a really bad kisser,she didn’t want her first kiss to be with him,or I missed some details.Why would she date him then?She’s probably crazy,and even if she wasn’t sometimes people don’t think when angry it’s practically a known fact.He probably wanted to apologize,and if he really cares for her he would want that apology to be known outside of his e text says “When she says its over she still wants you to be hers” it never said he had to say it out ong other small things that you don’t need me to point out.
It’s a matter of perspective,so if you still stick to your opinion then I won’t try to change it anymore.You’re just expressing your thoughts on someone else’s opinion.
*Do you think this is going anywhere good?
It’s cool that your an expert on writing and stuff, but I didn’t start writing fanfictions because I’m an expert on writing, I just wanted to put my ideas together and see how I do. Me using semi-colons isn’t for showing-off or anything, I just use them because people have told me that I use commas to much and i thought that i would use those instead. Just because I don’t use semi-colons correctly and all that shouldn’t really be a big deal, because on this website I rarely see authors with perfect English. The first chapter happened to be a ‘Pilot’ where I was just testing out an idea that is on my notepad. This chapter just introduced the concept of adding different characters from other worlds into the story, hence me saying ‘every entity in the universe’. I did say that it was a pokemon story and I understand that this chapter didn’t portray that well, but the following chapters consist of only Black, Dia, Cynthia and Mars.
However, you should know that I will be deleting this story as I have no clue how to introduce some characters after chapter 5, they just don’t flow.
Instead, I have another idea, and I think your view is very helpful when it comes to deciding whether a story is good or not.
This idea is this: Team Galactic rise in power to try and save Cyrus. They take over almost all of Sinnoh. Cynthia wants to stop this and goes to Mt. Silver to find the strongest trainer Red to get his help. Red doesn’t want them to succed so he travels and gathers the Dexholders. As the group comes together, they become closer and jealously starts up, e.g. Pearl and Sapphire become close and Ruby gets jealous). The jealousy leads them to become more forward with their emotions. Romance/Adventure
Please get back to me because you seem like you know what people would like, your opinion is highly welcomed. Sorry for hassling you, I’m just new to writing stories and would really love a little guidance.
[This idea is this: Team Galactic rise in power to try and save Cyrus. They take over almost all of Sinnoh. Cynthia wants to stop this and goes to Mt. Silver to find the strongest trainer Red to get his help. Red doesn’t want them to succed so he travels and gathers the Dexholders. As the group comes together, they become closer and jealously starts up, e.g. Pearl and Sapphire become close and Ruby gets jealous). The jealousy leads them to become more forward with their emotions. Romance/Adventure]
This sounds like a hard plot to write, since it seems like the main meat of it is rising group tensions as they collect people rather than an external plot, and it’s particularly hard to make jealousy seem understandable when the fate of the world is at stake and people should have better things to think about.
My general advise is if you’re new at writing and having trouble, don’t write something long in the first place. Get your practice on shorter stories where you won’t run into crippling plot holes five chapters in.
Regarding plot-holes, that shouldn’t be a problem as the process is really simple. I’ve practically told you the whole plot already. Gathering the characters, and rescuing Cyrus. However, I will listen to the advice and try to keep it basic and short.
Pumping your ego, much?
“When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is;”Who’s butt am I kicking, Sweet??””
And she would say, “My dead mother’s.”
“the example you gave me actually ey are
already in a relationship she looks at his mouth(lips),and he catches
her staring so he kisses en she gets mad,so either he’s a really bad
kisser,she didn’t want her first kiss to be with him,or I missed some
details.Why would she date him then?She’s probably crazy,and even if she
wasn’t sometimes people don’t think when angry it’s practically a known
fact.He probably wanted to apologize,and if he really cares for her he
would want that apology to be known outside of his e text says “When she
says its over she still wants you to be hers” it never said he had to
say it out ong other small things that you don’t need me to point out.”
Well, that’s just depressing.
Is Bulbapedia really open-edit? I’m ridiculously tempted to go in and grammar-edit everything so it’s proper English.
They should appreciate the help– it’s a service I normally charge for!
You need to register, after that it’s open.
They’ll just revert it. This isn’t accidental fuckery, they’ve dug their heels in with a style guide and everything.
I wonder how much grammar I could cause before they caught on.