“Are you sure you didn’t review the wrong story? It sounds more like you wanted to review the my little pony story that I wrote.”
Hi! Thanks for the review–I especially appreciate you taking the time to quote from the text, since copy and paste doesn’t really work anymore! Do you mind if I ask a few questions for further feedback? (I’ll put them below, but you definitely don’t need to respond if you don’t want to!)
Re: capitalization: I admit to being inconsistent about it because I wasn’t sure about exactly how it should be done (and, admittedly, I’m ignorant about the general consensus). This mostly goes for things like pokémon or specific species names–if I’m referring to a specific pokémon, say Burgundy’s dewott (Dewott?) in the prose (i.e. from a narrator’s standpoint rather than a character’s, since I’m writing in third person), would I say Dewott if said pokémon appears without a qualifier of whose dewott it is, and but then use dewott if I say something like “her dewott?”
Re: her reaction: I would normally agree that it’s a bit extreme, but I recall Burgundy had a tendency towards the dramatic (or do you think it’s more for show? I’d certainly be curious to hear your input on that matter, if you have strong opinions about it). I wrote (at least in the initial draft) that the tournament wasn’t televised in Kalos, but that might be less explicit in this version–I’ll definitely take a closer look. As for the crossing borders thing…I do have an explanation for that (and it appears in a later chapter, but maybe I’ll work it in earlier? Or maybe even add it to this one. I’ll think about it).
Re; the gym badges: that’s totally my bad. I mentioned that she had earned a few badges already in an initial draft, and that must’ve gotten lost in my rewriting process. Thanks for pointing that out!
Best,
Nox
Thank you for the advice on the writing. I sometimes struggle with the dialogue areas as i dont always know the best describing words. When I get the chance I’ll go back and make a few changes.
Thanks for your two review :) I will address the first really quick in regards to homonyms. I was really peeved to find out that I had made that mistake, especially after going back and reading through to make sure my ‘yours’ and ‘there’s were right. I suppose I was more focused on the there’s because I found one that was mistaken and I probably started to subconsciously only focus on those .
Ill keep in mind what you said about suspense, though, while I wanted to introduce and drop some hindsight filler in the prologue and chapter 1, I still somewhat muscled through it, as you noticed since I didn’t address concerns about the earthquake all that well from any of the three characters introduced so far. Maybe I’ll work that in later as I try to make Mew more condescending? Speaking of which, would BiBi or Bibi make him sound more ‘better than you’ XD I know its just the difference of a capital letter, but I wonder if it would matter much.
Also, ignore Treddy atm. He’s my dormmate and likes to be a bit of an ***(imagination :D) sometimes to people.
On a side note, I’ve seen a stereotype towards psychotic females in many fanfictions I read and wanted to change this slightly :3 so I’ll probably be making the sister ‘mander more normal than the brother, whom I’ll probably manipulate through plot convenience for the sake of plot development later on. Like once I establish a status quo that will ‘swiftly’* be ripped to shreds mwahahahaha(evil laughter).
*(definition of swiftly may vary as much as Blizzard’s definition of Soon(TM)
While I’m still here, maybe you can help me with my idea for mega stones in this ‘verse. I was thinking of them being non-species specific, but locked to a specific pokemon till he/she dies. Also, while they provide an amazing power boost, they would greatly exhaust the one who uses them, making them more of a last resort kind of item. Also, taking a note from PMD: Silver Resistance, maybe have revival seeds be a trade secret and fairly rare?
Expanding on the megastone idea: Blaziken for King? :P
BoltBeam
https://www.fanfiction.net/u/4706084/
——————–
Subject: re: Your review to The Nuzlocke Chronicles: Kanto
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/10997084/
Hey thanks for my first review. Although there wasn’t as much constructive criticism as
just plain criticism I can’t complain about the review. Yeah I agree that nuzlocke back
stories don’t really make much sense but it was the best I could think of on the spot. Do
you have any suggestions on how to improve the mutation thing? I figure since radiation
alters DNA that could be a possible explanation but idk how I could explain how the
radiation affected all pokemon the same… Finally, if you’re just here to bash new
writers without giving them advice on how to improve then… Well the only thing I have
to say is FUCK OFF :) (because honestly your tone of voice makes it sound that way) again
thanks for the review even if it made me want to quit writing. Have a nice day!
——————–
you are sooooooo right, it’s because i was really excited to write this story that i forgot to put them
AngeloHeroOfLightWell I’d be lying if I didn’t say I felt bitch slapped, but I’d also be lying if I said this wasn’t helpful advice. I will use this because like I said, it’s helpful. And I’m asking to OC’s not because I can’t create characters, because I cab, but because ita fun for the readers and creates a sense of being closer tied with the story.
And in case I sound really rude I’m sorry but I’m not trying to, I’m only answering in the way I think is best. This is a REALLY good review and I thank you.
Also thanks for reading!
Hello Farla,
I think you dearly for the constructive feedback. However, a long time ago my English teacher taught me (who has a master’s degree) that if a number is at least 10, one writes it out as a number. If it’s below 10, one writes it out as a letter. Correct me if I’m wrong though. I understand your second point, but I don’t understand the example you gave at the end. I’m quite sure Professor Oak should be capitalized, but maybe not professor in itself. I was never trying to indicate refined writing with semicolons. I don’t see how this makes me look self-important. I don’t really understand the last point you’re making. Are you saying that battles in itself aren’t interesting? Or my battles aren’t interesting? If it’s the latter, I can improve on that, but if it’s the first, a lot of people enjoy battles. Some FanFictions become popular with original plot like Pedestal, by Digital Skitty. However something like Rise to the Top, by Blue Bongo is almost all about battling, yet is very popular. Anyways, thank you for your feedback, and I’ll put it to use:)
~PokeFanBoy786
What’s interesting is the difference in reviews between the two fics they mention is about six times in Pedestal’s favor.
It might help to make a list of things that impact review count other than actual quality and reader enjoyment, but last time I told someone that they promptly did ALL THE THINGS.
And I will, thanks
Are you sure you didn’t review the wrong story? It sounds more like you wanted to review the my little pony story that I wrote.
Thank you for your input, it is very helpful, and I will try to get better at writing. I’m here to improve, so thank you for pointing out the flaws.
I took most of the dialogue from the game so don’t blame me but I am working on character development and I hope it will be more obvious as it continues. Also this review is excessively long so next time I would really appreciate you messaging me in the future but I thank you for leaving a review.
Now I know I’ve been a bit, ahem, discourteous towards you in some of my reviews and on my profile, but I’ve come to recognize that you are indeed one of the most honest reviewers on this site, and there really aren’t enough reviewers like you. As I also consider myself honest in my reviews, I can admire that, even if you seem a bit…brusque, at times. So I’d like to apologize for my comments towards you, really. I admit they’re pretty shortsighted.
That aside, I couldn’t help but notice that it seems to be your ‘Pokemon Review Month.’ And as much as it goes against my prior stance on your reviews, I’d like to request that you review a story of mine. See, I published a small oneshot in December, but as I did not know your review schedule at the time, I was kinda surprised that you didn’t review. That said, while I did get a decent number of reviews, I didn’t get much in the way of honest feedback and tips on how to improve. Knowing you, I’m sure that if you were to read it, you’d be able to point out what I need to improve (as it is just my first story). I know full well that it’s not perfect, not even close, really, but with your help, I’ll be able to find out what exactly I need to improve. It’s not a long story (it’s only 2,500 words), so it wouldn’t take long to read, either. I kinda wanted to catch you before the month is over, so reading my story doesn’t deviate from your schedule. Though I’m aware of a few errors already, I feel like you’d be able to give a definitive rundown of my mistakes. It would be a huge help if you were to point out what I could’ve done better. Thanks a lot, and again, I’m sorry about my prior discourtesy.
Sincerely,
NYSTLSportsFan
I was hoping for something like this, thank you.
The first quote is black-on-black.
” I figure since radiation
alters DNA that could be a possible explanation but idk how I could explain how the
radiation affected all pokemon the same…”
Jesus fuck, people still use magic radiation as an explanation? Ugh.
What you need is FEV, aka Forced Evolutionary Virus, aka bullshit SCIENCE! that you don’t explain in detail because you aren’t writing hard sci-fi, so details don’t matter too much, just the results.
Then you can say that the virus was created and spread by Team Whatever who have a cure which they are planning to sell for a lot of money once people notice pokemon dying left and right.
Add something about why they can’t be pressed into sharing the formula.
Then you have your protagonist going on a normal journey, noticing pokemon dying, becoming involving in the plot, learning the truth and stopping Team Whatever.
“Finally, if you’re just here to bash new
writers without giving them advice on how to improve then… Well the only thing I have
to say is FUCK OFF :) (because honestly your tone of voice makes it sound that way) again
thanks for the review even if it made me want to quit writing. Have a nice day!”
Well, that was nicely bipolar.
“Are you sure you didn’t review the wrong story? It sounds more like you wanted to review the my little pony story that I wrote.”
That’s an interesting response to a purely grammatical review.
Hey, don’t knock magic radiation! It’s been giving people spider-powers ever since 1962!
Yes, but now it leads to this: http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?473443-Necro-deadEarth-why-isn-t-this-game-on-anyone-s-quot-Worst-Games-List-quot
My God, that’s beautifully insane! It’s like FATAL without all the “horrible excuse for a human being” themes and writing!
Well, there is some pretty sexist stuff here and there, but it’s a far cry from FATAL.
And yes, the game is amusingly insane.
Did you read the part where radiation has a power to demote you?
“Demote”? What, make you lose XP or something? Damn, I missed that! But I did notice there’s a mutation that kills your character before you even start playing. That’s some quality old-school crappiness there!
No, I mean if you were, say, a captain in some mercenary squad or whatever, you are now a sergeant.
There is another mutation that causes you to lose renown (which measures how well-known you are across the setting) over time and kills you when it reaches zero.
I would recommend to read the whole thread. There are plenty of people doing character generation. It’s hilarious.
…
But… That doesn’t make any sense…
GAH!
Nanoradiation, son! It can do it.
And that’s not even the most insane thing in the book.
That would either a mutation that allows you to see the Grim Reaper and fight him to resurrect recently deceased characters or the mutation that turns you into a Wacko Voodoo Ninja.
That’s what it does. There is no explanation of what Wacko Voodoo Ninja is. I guess if you don’t know already, you shouldn’t play this game.
But those are insanely awesome – especially the “fight the Grim Reaper to bring someone else back to life” one! (It kind of reminds me of “Chakan: The Forever Man”.) I mean, it’s crappy game design that the book doesn’t tell you what’s a Wacko Voodoo Ninja and what it can do, but tell me that’s not an awesome combination!
It is awesome. Mind, it’s a few gems in the ocean of stupid, but the gems do exist.
There are also two mutations some poor soul rolled. One makes the character to be intangible in darkness, another makes them burn in sunlight.
The problem here is that the game is supposed to be that hyper-realistic survival post-apocalypse.
There is no room for random awesome insanity, and the game does nothing to support it.
If it were reworked for some saner system, with crap cleared and insanity encouraged, it could be a cool game.
As it is, it’s just an Internet entertainment.
Really, all you need to do to fix it is change “radiation” to “magic curse”. Even the more bigoted-sounding radiation effects would be mostly okay that way, because now instead of saying those things correlate, it’s just wacky magic!
Well, you also need to provide world-building that actually take those curses into account. As it is, a sample adventure assumes that everyone is a normal human. None of the NPCs have any mutations, for example. Except one narcoleptic driver.
A system, too, needs fixing. As it is now, it’s pretty much unplayable. Especially the skill system.
And, of course, some mutations just kill you, which isn’t really fun, or turn your character completely useless to the point where you simply can’t participate in the game. Also not very fun.
The awesomeness is accidental. And it means nothing without other elements supporting the style.
It’d be more interesting for the NPCs to have them too, but it’s not needed if magic, because you can just say it’s a rare (or even unique) curse and the we’re following the PCs because they’re the unlucky bastards who have it.
The first quote is black-on-black.
Funny thing – see, if I save this before posting, all the colored formatting disappears in the editing area but it’ll still be there when I post. Apparently, if I copy it at that point, the copied bit doesn’t keep the highlighting.
I am mostly amazed at the variety of formatting problems.
Out of curiosity, what do you think impacts reviews other quality and reader enjoyment? I’d be interested to hear your opinion.
FINE.
How to get reviews:
1. Review a lot.
2. Say that you will review anyone who reviews you
(2a. Say this in your summary and at the bottom of every chapter.)
3. Ask a question for reviewers to answer.
4. Reply to every review.
5. Keep updating one story a million times.
6. Include a ship because shippers are constantly competing and will praise you to “win” having the most stories.
(6a. Tell people you’ll make it whatever ships get the most votes.)
7. Look at what stories are getting reviews and what those reviews say to identify what kind of things people find easiest to comment on. Put that in your story and watch the “I liked THING” comments roll in.
8. Ask for reader input. Not characters, input. It’s least disruptive to the story while being the easiest thing for reviewers to do.
Or, to summarize, do some networking.
Yeah, asking for characters got me dem sweet reviews but it was a nightmare, everyone wanted their person to be a protagonist and one guy literally wanted his character and my OC to hook up. Eject button.
Your fic is what I think of every time I try to explain that even if somehow they knew what they were doing, even if they actually knew how to work characters in, it’s still going to work better to make your own.
“However, a long time ago my English
teacher taught me (who has a master’s degree) that if a number is at
least 10, one writes it out as a number. If it’s below 10, one writes it
out as a letter.”
This might be a regional difference – there’s subtle grammatical differences between different English-speaking countries. I’m Canadian, and the editing classes I took said that you write numbers as words if they are below 100.
In the U.S., it’s a style-guide issue. APA and Gregg put the cap for writing out numbers as words at ten. MLA and Chicago put it at 100. Harvard Business School puts the cap at twenty.
I got all the way through college on a tattered copy of Turabian from my mother’s college years, as that was widely accepted as “correct” — it’s simplified Chicago, so in my Gen X world, writing out numbers up to 100 would have been the default answer. But it wouldn’t surprise me if there are high school teachers running loose who learned another style when required to write their own papers and therefore teach that style.