In which I am tolerant and open-minded towards that conservative wall of text story. Unsurprisingly, this turned out to be a complete waste of time.

The first chapter review, for reference:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12122038/1/The-Reaper

[an action-eccentric story]

I think you meant to say “action-centric”.

[In reading several Pokémon x Human fanfics, I’ve noticed that in many cases, you see the same ideological portrayal – liberals are the compassionate heroes, while the conservatives are nothing but overly pompous jerks. In reality, that is far from the truth. People have done horrible things to one another from both sides of the spectrum, from liberalism (in the forms of socialism and communism), to conservatism (fascism, racism, and sexism). That being said, and pretty surprisingly to many people reading this, this story will be from a more conservative point of view. It won’t be essential to the plot for awhile, but it will be present. Again, if you don’t like that sort of thing, you are under no obligation to read it. However, if you are against conservatism, and you still do decide to read it, I encourage you to truly be open minded. Remember, open mindedness is tolerance to both sides.]

Eh, really? Most of the humanxpokemon stuff I’ve seen is highly conservative, and I don’t find that terribly surprising.

You should separate your author notes with a horizontal line; otherwise, they look like part of the story.

Labeling chapters looks kinda weird; the dropdown menu should suffice.

[Sweat rolled down his face]

Opening a story with a pronoun is really awkward and confusing, because we don’t know the referent. Unless you’re purposefully trying to evoke that sense of disorientation, you should rephrase this.

[“Get up you little shit.” The fallen individual muttered something unintelligible, harshly gripping the trodden snow beneath him. “Did I freaking stutter? Get the hell up!”

“I…c-can’t,” he gasped. “I can’t…do this anymore.” Another arrived, waiting for confirmation.

“Get his stupid ass outta here. I don’t wanna see him anymore.” Just like the one before him, he too was picked up and dragged away from the others. Their numbers were dwindling, having lost three that day. At this rate, we won’t have any left.]

Then they’re being really, really stupid. Competent militaries do not work their soldiers to exhaustion and death, for the obvious reason that soldiers are valuable. If their attrition rate is this bad how are they winning anything?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Please direct any concerns to this thread: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/55376155/1/Capitalization-Thread

[her cunningness]

Is not a word. “Cunning” is the noun form of “cunning”.

[realizing a few of its contents onto the ground]

You want “releasing”, I believe.

[…]

This scene break is three dots instead of the usual five.

[Nighttime reached them before long, bathing the mountains with silver light, making the trees an uninterrupted shadow.]

I don’t think this is technically a run-on, but it sounds awkward. You should probably use a different construction for the last clause, or split it off entirely.

[But laying beside Michael, out of clear sight, was something that could end an enemy quicker than any other Pokémon..]

You’ve got some punctuation weirdness here.

[which is why sixteen year olds were graduating with college level degrees]

The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well. Also, they graduate at sixteen, really? High school students don’t graduate until eighteen. I’m willing to believe the university can cram 3 or 4 extra years of education into a normal high school timespan, but covering high school *and* college education in only two years is absurd, even with all the fast-tracking you’ve described.

[For being in the top of the class in one of the best schools in the regions, the top three students were offered a reward – to receive a starter.]

Their reward for graduating a hellishly difficult school at the top of their class is the same reward professors will hand out to any dumb kid they can wrangle into free labor? Nothing in canon implies starters are nearly as exclusive as you’re implying here, or even special at all.

[“Thanks Professor.” Alex responded.]

Typo.

[“I don’t know, I told her the exact time to arrive,” Sycamore shrugged.]

And this should be [“I don’t know, I told her the exact time to arrive.” Sycamore shrugged.] because you can’t shrug a sentence.

[The Froakie, had access to Water Pulse, Bounce, and even Camouflage, putting it on a great path as well. What set this one majorly apart, though was its color scheme. Shiny. Without turning around, he could almost feel Alex coveting it. How in the world did he actually manage to get one of those? And with those moves, too.]

I’d think a biologist would know the answer to that, though if he’s a creationist maybe he avoided learning about artificial selection. This is why gen eds are important.

[“You…do?” the Professor asked. Why in the hell should he be shocked about my decision?]

I don’t see what’s so hard to understand about someone being confused by the valedictorian choosing the practically worst option. You’re warping the universe to make Michael look put-upon, which is just really tacky.

[The sun had progressed in its setting]

That’s a really awkward way to phrase it.

[its curiosity piked]

You want “piqued”.

[The man selling these was just as questionable, wearing a stained t-shirt and ripped jeans, eyes glaring with poorly hidden condescendence to anyone who would approach. This is reeeaally sketchy…]

“Condescension”, and using the “ugly people are evil” trope is also really sketchy. A kid who has the money to go to supergenius schools and casually catch cruises should really not be sneering at street vendors for being poor and unkempt, at least not if you want readers to root for him.

[His breath smelled of cheap chewing tobacco, yellowed teeth confirming the detrimental habit.]

Chewing tobacco is an addiction, not a habit. If Michael is confusing the two, that makes him look incredibly callous.

[The inn had really embraced the seashore theme, light blue wallpaper, strung seashells, and various paintings of ships, water Pokémon, and Olivine’s famous lighthouse complimented one another to convey what one would expect in such an environment.]

The first comma here is a comma splice.

[“Hahaha, ok, ok.”]

It’s written “okay”, four letters. It is not an abbreviation for something else, nor is it pronounced ook, therefore it should never be written as OK, Ok, O.K. or ok.

[However, under Kalos law, he was an adult on account of being able to enter the work force, due to the advanced school in which he graduated from.]

That is really bizarre. I’ve never heard of an industrialized country that had something other than an age-related requirement for legal adulthood. Teenagers can’t magically grow adult brains even if they graduate college early.

[Yes, the politicians had done a very good job of making the people incapable of defending themselves – especially if they didn’t have a Pokémon.]

That statement makes no sense in this universe, as pokemon are far more dangerous than guns, and by all accounts in canon pokemon ownership is virtually ubiquitous. If this is an AU where pokemon ownership is also strictly regulated he might have a point here, but you need to say that explicitly. If you’re going to use a fantasy story as a soapbox for real-world politics, you need to translate them appropriately.

[or.45 Colt]

Missing space.

[and i could shoot]

Proofread.

[“What?”

“How long have you been doing that?” Michael asked]

You have double line breaks between your other paragraphs, but only one here.

[to put them in there balls]

“their”

[It was so simple, so easy, and could end a life in just the blink of an eye. Such was the nature of a firearm. But the firearm wasn’t the weapon – it was the tool. The one to pull the trigger was the weapon, and he had been able to do so without any hesitation. Would he have been able to pull the trigger a third time – at his head? After the first shot, the other was just too easy. He had no doubt in his mind that he could have followed through if need be. That was one of the things that made him nervous.]

And this is exactly why giving teenagers instruments of murder is a bad idea.

[Sometimes, you may think that you have witnessed at least a fraction of humanity’s darkness.]

Sudden POV change is sudden.

[The lifeless carcasses of both people ad Pokémon]

So Michael doesn’t consider pokemon to be people? Also, typo.

[A Ninetales lay in a wrangled mess, her once luxurious tales frayed and bloodied. She was beside a Gardevoir, whose dress was torn to shreds. The sick feeling in his stomach multiplied when he realized that these two, along with several others, showed the mutilations of rape.]

How would he know what that looked like?

This is a lot better-written than most fic on here, and I’m glad that there seems to be a plot brewing, but you’re still making a lot of grammatical mistakes and typos, so you should probably get a beta reader. The priorities in this seem really weird – you spend practically a novella’s worth of time on banal, mundane details and spend only a few scant scenes on the actual plot. The plot hasn’t even really begun yet, but we’re over 10000 words into the story.

We really do not need to know all the excruciating details of how Michael’s school works, or exactly how Michael met every single one of his pokemon. (It doesn’t help that he met all of them in unbelievably perfect and predictable situations for him to show off what a saint he is.) Michael also seems like a bit of a Mary Sue – he’s handled everything perfectly so far and got handed tons of special advantages from the start, while he doesn’t seem to have any character flaws to speak of. (I particularly note that every single one of the pokemon he rescued immediately decide to join him despite him putting on a big production of how he wouldn’t force them – his saintlyness hasn’t had any negative consequences.) I’d find this easier to swallow if there was more tell and less show, such as showing him having to use his supergenius intelligence to get out of difficult situations in the army. It’d also help if he more believably acted like a 16-year-old who’s out of his depth and not like Spock stuck in a kid’s body.

You might find this to be useful reading: fanfiction {dot} net/topic/11834/142411850/1/First-Chapters

This got a response:

I then put off reviewing the story for a month because wall of text, then reviewed the next several chapters:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12122038/2/The-Reaper

[“N-no… please!” His pleading did no good, as the echoes of gunfire interrupted him. One shot in each knee – he wasn’t going anywhere. Michael stomped the left one, the man screaming out once more. “Pl-please… have mercy,” Derrick wailed. That fully triggered Michael.

“Mercy? MERCY? Why the fuck do you think you deserve mercy?!” he screamed. He punched him in the throat, making him wheeze. “Did you give them mercy when they asked? When you shot, burned, and raped them – did you give them mercy?!” He stomped his hand into the ground, hearing the crunching of bone under his foot, before walking off to the side. Derrick attempted to say something – perhaps to curse him, but he could not utter the words. “No, you don’t get mercy.” He picked up the fallen gas container. Though it had tipped over, it spilled little of its contents. The ground there was mostly dirt; fire wouldn’t spread. He drenched Derrick from head to toe with the flammable liquid. Raised the lighter and opened it, flicking on the flame.

“No…” he gasped, “please.” Michael stood over him.

“You reap what you sow,” Michael said, dropping the lighter.]

That seems a bit much.

People doing awful things doesn’t mean it’s right to use them as punching bags. What is Michael accomplishing here, by making this one guy suffer extra before he dies? There doesn’t seem to be any point to this but sadism. Most people get upset when they see people in pain, even awful people – it’s a deeply-embedded psychological trigger. The fact that Michael doesn’t speaks very badly of him and his ability to empathize with people. Yes, he had empirical evidence that this guy was evil and needed to die, but not all conflicts are so clear-cut, and his willingness to descend so quickly into trigger-happy violence speaks poorly of his ability to mediate any future conflicts where he doesn’t have all the information.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12122038/4/The-Reaper

[always voted for those politicians that promised more welfare benefits. Whenever they won, all that money went straight to their pockets.”

“That’s pretty much always how it works,” Michael said. “Trust me – them and Kalosian politicians are one and the same. Only difference is that they give out money that the country doesn’t have, or whatever they could steal from the rich. Convey themselves as the “modern day Robin Hoods,” but they’re nothing more than crooks. ‘Steal from the rich to give to themselves.'”]

Sudden political tract is sudden and also hamhanded.

Politics are complicated. Different people can have very different experiences, and many aspects look different depending on what scale you’re looking at. It’s therefore very conceited to take one person’s experience and generalize that to say the entire world works that way and that all politicians are exactly the same. That is almost never accurate – while it’s true that most politicians promise to help everyone and can almost never deliver on that promise, saying that they never help *anyone* is just unrealistically cynical to the point of farce. Policies usually do end up helping people, they just help them unevenly, with certain groups benefiting more or less (and I don’t mean “they only help rich people” – policies can help combat, say, racism without doing much to address more general economic inequality, and vice versa).

[Special place in hell]

When referring to the singular place, Hell is capitalized.

[“Please tell me you didn’t hunt any pokémon…”

“Hell no – only regular animals. Mostly deer. Would never have done something like that,” he replied.

“Thank Arceus,” Nicole said, looking up at him.

“No,” he said, ruffling her hair. “Never murdered anyone.”]

This is interesting. (I mean, the idea that regular animals are still coexisting alongside ones that can breathe fire is really weird, but okay, it’s not technically incompatible with canon or the general setting.) So, their society (or at least Samuel) sees pokemon as people to the point that he considers hunting them to be murder… but humans are still allowed to own them like property? That seems strange to me. If pokemon are people, they should be allowed to live their own lives and the whole journey structure should never have formed in the first place.

[As you know, my name is Giovanni Rocket, founder of Team Rocket. It was I who set the foundations – the basic blueprints – for building an organized criminal syndicate in the developed world over the course of a few months. Galactic, Plasma, Flare – all of them, traceable right back to my work.]

This makes no sense. Galactic, Plasma, and Flare has completely different goals and structures. The Mafia, a death cult, a supervillain scheme carefully masquerading as a legitimate insurgency, and a Bond villain doomsday lab cannot all be built on the same “blueprint”. They have completely different goals, resources, ideals, and structures; what will work for one will not work for the others. Most notably, all of the listed organizations are far more incompetent than Team Rocket, which points to them not sharing notes, as does the fact that they all arose in different countries, with Plasma and Flare being on the other side of the globe. I have no idea what you’re trying to do here.

[There was no touching us – we had more guns than the army.]

Yet they were helpless before the might of a ten-year-old because…

[A young trainer, yes. He had interfered with our affairs on several occasions, getting to be a bigger and bigger thorn in my side as time progressed, and even posing a threat to the organization as a whole. Kicked me outta one of our own hideouts! I left him twice – didn’t want to have a kid killed, but vowing that I wouldn’t hesitate if he screwed with us again.]

…because Mafia bosses have such big scruples about being nice to kids. Uh huh. And I suppose he issued a blanket order to all his underlings not to kill this kid, which is why no one else ever thought to pull guns on Red either?

[“I’d made deals with politicians. A few on the right, a good bit on the left. Greedy fuckers are willing to leave you alone – no matter what you do – just so long as you slip a little something into their pockets.”]

I am also really genuinely confused by the detail that he had to bribe fewer conservatives. Are you implying that conservative politicians just didn’t care enough to need to be bribed? Because with an influence as large as his, he should be running afoul of politicians of all stripes.

[But we can’t sit back and watch as they abuse legendaries.]

This is really confusingly worded – so what, if they were abusing regular pokemon, they’d let it simmer? Why do legendaries get priority rescues?

Also, didn’t notice this when I reviewed the third chapter before, but I have to ask about this:

[“I see nothing wrong with it. I mean, humans and pokémon can reproduce. If they love each other, then who am I to judge? And besides, reproduction is possible, so it isn’t like it’s any of that LGBT stuff or a crime against nature.”]

Humans and pokemon can reproduce in this? I…what??? How??? I’m also not clear on why reproduction is the important qualifier here. Romantic relationships and reproduction are pretty separate concepts; you can have one without the other.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12122038/5/The-Reaper

[“Heh, that there’s a fine little vixen.” Michael followed his gaze, then shot him a particularly nasty glare.

“That would be my braixen,” Michael snapped.]

Why is he being so possessive of her? If pokemon are people, she should be able to set her own romantic boundaries and make her own decisions.

[“But in all seriousness, I will be supportive of whoever you decide to tie the knot with, just so long as they are of moral character.”]

This is self-contradictory. “So long as they are of moral character” means he will *not* be supportive of just anyone. This sounds reasonable on the surface, but Michael is not an absolute moral authority, as his actions at the end of chapter 2 showed. What happens if he and Ver disagree on whether or not her mate is “of moral character”? Once again, if pokemon are people they should have the agency to make their own decisions without needing his approval.

[“That was smart,” Wesley said. “Get them to lead you straight to the target.”]

Is this really necessary? It feels really corny to have mission control potentially jeopardize the mission (they’re in the middle of the base, people could hear him) just to praise Michael for basic competence.

[He never got to finish, as Michael quickly drew his pistol and shot him twice, each shot in the head.]

So is he using silencers, or did he just alert the whole base to the presence of an intruder? It also seems really stupid of them to fall for the trick this easily if zoroarks’ ability is well-known and commonly used in military operations.

[“I understand that they’re whores and all… but they don’t deserve to die.”]

Yeah, no duh? What, exactly, makes prostitutes any less deserving of basic human decency than everyone else?

[Michael, I admire your sense of compassion]

Not wanting to kill innocent bystanders is not noteworthy compassion. It’s really getting tiring how much you’re overinflating Michael’s awesomeness. A good person shouldn’t need to be constantly reminded what a good person he is.

[We need this to remain covert – if they trace the deaths back to two dead soldiers, they will know that someone on the outside was behind it. If there are no witnesses, though, they will think that it was someone on the inside, and they will panic.]

I don’t follow this at all. They know what they’re doing is illegal and that the military is actively opposing them. If one of their top brass mysteriously turns up dead, the immediate explanation is going to be “assassination”, not that a low-level grunt suddenly decided to murder their boss for no reason and also somehow completely evaded detection. (Also, the guy who told Michael where to go can already give them a description of a guy who went to deliver the dead guy’s food immediately before he died and then mysteriously disappeared, so cat’s already out of the bag.)

I really don’t understand why they can’t just ask these powerless civilians to stay quiet. Why should they have any loyalty to the organization?

[“Simple – while you were probably beatin’ the meat, I was eatin’ the meat.”

“That’s just fucking gross,” Michael said, shaking his head. “And trust me – I was not impressed.”

“Why? Were they ugly?” Zeke asked.

“No, but the fact that they were whores is kind of a turn-off.”]

He just murdered three people, two of whom were innocent, and his response is to joke about it? This is downright sociopathic. (Also, Jesus Christ, did a prostitute run over your dog? What is wrong with you?)

[go to the back of the plain]

You want “plane”, not “plain”.

[Who’s there?I’]

Something strange seems to have happened here.

[Whoever it was, it was definitely female. Michael could honestly say that it was probably the most beautiful voice he’d ever heard.]

Is this really the time?

[“What are we to do, sir?” the captain asked]

Dropped period.

[“They managed to catch the groudon.”]

“The”, as in, singular entity? In that case, “Groudon” is its name and should be capitalized.

[Insurgents set up base in the area, using the grounds for illegal experimentation on pokémon.]

Wait, are they actively rebelling against the government? It sounded like they were just trying to get money and power for themselves.

[[The media is] often wrong, but not in this case.]

Random potshot is random.

[“Good to see you well,” the groudon said. “I was worried upon hearing that you may have passed on.” His voice]

Groudon is genderless, and you referred to it with “it” pronouns earlier.

[“Anyone else?” The victini shook his head.

“I… would not be very useful for your cause]

What? If the pokedex is to be believed, victini either guarantee their allies’ victory, are perpetual energy machines, or both. Victini is by far the most useful legendary here even if it doesn’t participate in direct combat.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12122038/6/The-Reaper

[“Dad is very observable, but that’s probably to be expected, given that he’s the chief representative of our species.”

“Chief representative?”

“For the Hall of Origin debriefings.]

What? Even mythical creatures are cogs in a bureaucratic machine in this? How does that even work? There’s absolutely no evidence in canon that the regional pantheons are compatible – why would Unovan and Kalosian deities take orders from Arceus? How do Groudon and Kyogre overcome what appears to be a very primal, irrational enmity for one another? If they’re all just normal folks capable of talking out their differences what makes them so special? I don’t see what this adds other than watering down the fantastical elements of the setting.

[“Well, it sets up the foundations for a very unhappy marriage. If the woman isn’t equally in love with the man, then she’s got a long, miserable life in store. The feelings need to be a mutual.”]

Why the emphasis here? Men can be pressured into unwanted marriages too. (Also, extra word in the last sentence.)

[“How do y’all meet? Who leads them?” Michael was definitely interested in the subject, as it seemed to point towards one individual.

“…I’m not supposed to tell anyone those things…” she mumbled.

“It’s because it would interfere with free will, wouldn’t it? People wouldn’t be acting out of faith if you all went out and told everyone the truth.”]

And this is a bad thing because…? What is the value of “faith” exactly? If someone refuses to give you any reasons why you should devote yourself to them but wants you to put aside logic and reason to do so anyway, they’re a manipulative creep. There is no reason not to provide empirical evidence for an important fact – if that’s “interfering with free will”, then so is educating people about gravity.

[“I knew it!” he said excitedly. “Society’s given a big middle finger to religion, but we aren’t the superstitious fools they labeled us as!”]

Why would they be labeled as superstitious fools when there’s empirical evidence of the gods all around them? Did the events of Emerald and Platinum not happen in this continuity?

I’m going to be frank with you here: you’re being incredibly lazy. You’re importing your own cultural beliefs into this world wholesale instead of thinking about what would logically arise from the facts we know about the setting. The games’ religions are not Christianity, Arceus is not the Abrahamic God, the pantheons are not unified, and there is actually a lot of evidence to the idea that religion is deeply respected in their culture, not fading as it is in ours. Johto is positively steeped in religious lore and practice; Hoenn has shrines and ancient lineages of priests that people know to go to when the apocalypse starts; and Unova respects its legend so deeply that N was dead certain a single symbolic battle would guarantee his ideological victory. If you’re going to write fanfiction, actually engage with the setting you’ve chosen to use instead of using it as a soapbox for your real-world beliefs.

[“As we all know, relationships between pokémon and humans have been legal for quite some time,” Rafael Caldron, a conservative from one of Mahogany’s districts, said. “Sure, times have changed, but this matter was settled years ago. The law states that marriage is considered to be between a man and a woman – humans, that goes without saying.”]

Did you mean to say [relationships between pokémon and humans have been ILlegal for quite some time]?

[All of the liberals, some moderate conservatives, and the few libertarian Senators voted for the amendment]

Because liberals are such a unified and monolithic voting bloc.

[He wasn’t so sure about changing the law – the law had worked out very well for Johto, making them the economic powerhouse of the world with its pro-business policies.]

Where on Earth are you getting this from? Outside of Goldenrod (which is described as a “developing city” by the map), Johto is nothing but rustic villages and rural backwaters.

[It set up its foundations on religion, prioritizing morality. But apparently bias had nothing to do with that…]

Because as we all know, morality and good business go together so well. And once again, keep in mind Johto’s religion would be an analogue for Shintoism and Buddhism, not Christianity, which extra do not mix with heavy industrialization.

(Also, what does that last sentence even mean?)

[He did have an issue with intolerance, but that was being practiced on both sides right now. Nobody wanted to sit down and have a peaceful, open-minded discussion about their views of the subject. The protesters were no different from their polar opposites – all hateful extremities, wanting nothing more than their own way.]

No.

Beliefs like these kill people. If someone thinks an entire group of people deserve to suffer for making a choice that hurts no one, you are not required to “tolerate” that. If someone wants to kill you, you are not required to “tolerate” that. If you look people getting angry at people for systematically oppressing them and think they’re exactly the same, you are making a gross and tone-deaf oversimplification. Not all actions are equivalent or motivated by the same reasons, and you need to take that into account. Anger can be justified. *Politics are complicated*.

(Also, just – look, what would you have these people do? What is the right way to fight for your rights? This scene only describes “a few” people trying to attack the police, which implies most of them are protesting legally and peacefully. That *is* having a discussion; that is how you enter the national conversation. If they can’t do that, what would you have them do? This is the kind of reasoning that leads to violent revolt, because if you’re not going to approve of anything people do, why should you expect them to be polite?)

[Michael had unintentionally tightened his grip on Elise, making the glaceon awaken from her slumber. “Michael? Is something wrong?” She looked at the screen, seeing what was concerning him.

“No, nothing that you need to worry your pretty self about,” he said, kissing the back of her head.]

But he’s such an open and honest person who can’t keep secrets from his girls.

[“You must be referring to that incident twenty years ago,” Michael said.

“Yes. The world came very close to desolation that day. Are you familiar with what happened?”

“No, all that’s recorded is that both you and Kyogre had a huge conflict.”]

Okay so the events of Emerald totally happened, but people still dismiss religion as unfounded superstition because…?

[“Red and blue orbs? What are those?”

“Those dreadful things have the ability to either control others or make them lose control. Obviously, neither of those are particularly good options for the individual they are used upon. The fools that led the two teams sought out Kyogre and I, attempting to manipulate us into doing their bidding. Only thing is, they used the wrong orbs.”

“So that’s why you lost control like that…”]

That’s an interesting explanation, but it doesn’t explain the original origin myth of how Groudon and Kyogre’s first fight shaped the world. Unless that’s unfounded superstition but the Arceus myth is ironclad fact?

[“I have seen many humans throughout my life,” he said. “Of course, most of them are fairly decent, some better or worse than the rest. You have… interested me. Your courage and selflessness, though a bit reckless, are quite honorable. In that sense, I would not be disappointed in the slightest if you kept that ball.”]

9_9 Are you really trying to make us believe that Groudon never saw another human display a willingness to risk their life to save someone when he just said he’s been around for the entirety of human civilization? Michael is a Marty Stu at this point. You are taking an ordinary heroic trait and insisting it is supremely exceptional – so exceptional that even a god finds it notable. This doesn’t make Michael look good, it just makes all of humanity look worse, because apparently no one else has ever cleared this bar.

[“Don’t play dumb with me, boy! I should kill you right where you are!” she spat. Instinctively, he cocked the hammer on his 686, pointing it straight at her.

“Well then you better hope you can do it faster than 1,500 feet per second.” Alaina started really crying.]

Wow, he’s a dick.

Firstly, Helen doesn’t have to do anything faster than a speeding bullet, because the idiot spent his time talking instead of pulling the trigger. Secondly, she has psychic powers. She absolutely can kill him before he can pull the trigger.

This is nothing but an unrealistic power fantasy. Drawing a gun on an angry person who is effectively armed themselves does not calm them down. It escalates the situation, because now they believe their life is in danger too. Realistically, this ends with Michael splattered across the pavement because a psychic dragon just made a panicked kneejerk attack.

Furthermore, Alaina is trying to argue that he’s not going to be a bad influence on her. He has just destroyed any chance of her winning that argument, because he just *pulled a gun on her mother*. How is she not horrified at the possibility he was prepared to murder her family over this?

But of course she backs down anyway and everyone praises him for handling the situation so well because Michael is a Marty Stu who gets everything he wants.

(Also I can’t help but notice that it’s apparently okay for Michael to pull a gun on his mother-in-law, but protesters shoving police while demanding basic human rights are totally unreasonable. What is your reasoning there?)

[“I can make you like us,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. “You could be superhuman. Timeless, both in mind and body, with healing capabilities beyond what many pokémon even have.”

“Are you offering to make me… immortal?”

“As close to it as physically possible. Just like a legendary.” Michael sat down, unable to grasp what she was offering.

“This all… sounds amazing and all… but to live indefinitely? Couldn’t that be a curse?”

“Only if you have no one to share that eternity with,” she trailed off, tracing a claw down his neck and over his chest.

“Could you… do this for the others?”

“Somehow I knew you would ask that,” she giggled. “To answer your question, yes – I can give them the same gift, though the imprint is only for you. But with females, it comes with… a certain limitation…”

“What? Would they be okay?”

“Yes, of course…”

“What would happen to them?”

“Well… for obvious reasons, we can’t have a bunch of ageless pokémon running around…”

“You don’t mean…”

“Michael, if they accept, they will be made infertile.”]

So gay people are icky because they’re unnatural, but becoming immortal and infertile is totally kosher?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12122038/7/The-Reaper

Please look up the definition of “insurgent”.

[He and the others took aim at Michael. “So Grim… go to hell.” They all shot, and the Reaper fell to the ground.

Or rather, the mirage of the Reaper. The body flickered, then disappeared altogether.]

Good lord they’re dumb.

This is an extension of what I was talking about last chapter: you’re acknowledging the fantastical elements of the setting, but you’re not acknowledging how they would change the surrounding culture. If illusions are a regular part of military tactics, why did they fall for it this easily?

[They cornered them into the pokécenter, which was clear of civilians – meaning they could be as reckless as they needed.]

Convenient.

[“I’ll tell you what happened – the selfish actions of that Reaper squad cost this city twenty-three lives.” What? “Look back at the video – they wanted one person. One person, and they would have left the city. But because they chose his life over those of our people, both Johto and our very own military caused dozens of families agony over dead loved ones. Not only that, but they have turned this city into an eyesore, with billions in damages, blocked off routes, and destroyed facilities everywhere you look. Some heroes they turned out to be.”]

What is he talking about? All the hostages were released, and the battle scene doesn’t mention any civilian casualties. Is the “twenty-three lives” he’s referring to the criminals themselves?

[Name: Raymond Bennet

Position: 78th Mayor of Fuchsia

Assumed Office: November 23, 2032

Preceded by: Jeffrey Walker (C)

Born: February 16, 2001 (age 31), Saffron, Kanto

Political Party: Liberal (L)

Residence: Fuchsia City

Alma Mater: University of Northern Saffron

“Well that explains that,” he said with a sigh. “He would be a lefty.” That was the day he learned that not everyone was grateful for the sacrifices of others.]

Okay, I’m done.

At the beginning of this story, you begged liberal readers to be “truly open minded” and that “open mindedness is tolerance to both sides.” You complained about portrayals where “liberals are the compassionate heroes, while the conservatives are nothing but overly pompous jerks.” And I tried. I really, really tried. But you have not done your part. In this story, you do not show tolerance and open-mindedness to the liberal side: you have done nothing but make cruel, unsubstantiated jabs at them, and the first time a liberal politician actually appears in the story, you cast him as a ridiculous strawman. (No, no politician is stupid enough to publically mourn terrorists who just took his city hostage.) You have made no effort to actually empathize with the other side, to analyze why liberals might say and believe what they do. You have portrayed them as nothing but pompous jerks while portraying conservatives as perfect saints.

You have become exactly what you have fought against.

I am a diehard liberal. I do sometimes use my writing to forward my political views, but I would never do what you have done here: cast my allies as without flaw and my enemies as without virtue. I do genuinely believe that most conservative politicians are motivated by more than just petty power grabs, and that they truly believe they are doing the right thing. It is hard to do that. It is so, so hard, when I see those beliefs hurt so many people. But that is what true open-mindedness is. Politicians are people, not boogeymen. They have reasons for doing what they do, and understanding those reasons is the only way you can hope to work together with them and make the world a better place.

You need to grow out of this childish, cynical, black-and-white worldview. Look outside your window and treat people with dignity, even the people you don’t understand. That is what true open-mindedness looks like.

Also, seriously, your beliefs get people killed. When you say that prostitutes are less deserving of decency than other people, when you say that “LGBT stuff” is “a crime against nature”, when you say that asking people to stop oppressing you is exactly as bad as oppressing people, that incites and justifies violence against those groups. This is not up for debate; people who commit hate crimes say, time and time again, very explicitly, that rhetoric like this is what motivates them. If you take nothing else away from what I have said, please think about this.

(Incidentally, while your indictment of communism is justified, socialism has never hurt anyone, so please take it off your opening spiel of liberal sins – or if you must keep it, please add capitalism, imperialism, and religious extremism to the conservative side. And you should add racism and sexism back in there – social conservatism is absolutely responsible for those. You wouldn’t want to be biased, after all.)

After doing all that, I hoped the author was going to have a reasonable conversation with me where we could hash out the specifics of each others’ beliefs. Instead I got this:

No response. Absolutely none. He hasn’t even blocked me, he’s just completely ignoring me. Because tolerance and open-mindedness means completely refusing to engage with things you don’t like, I guess.

So this is educational in that it shows nobody should waste their time on these idiots, but I think it also inadvertently reveals some interesting things. The obsession with “tolerance” is a common conservative party line, and it obviously fails on a number of levels — he’s conflating political tolerance with politeness, which is stupid enough even without the fact that he’s obviously not even trying to hold himself to that standard.

But I think his upset at being criticized is actually genuine. I think his behavior here is enlightening in combination with this article:

Kyle comes back to his mum, crying, and says very intensely, his cute six-year-old face expressive and utterly for real:

“You said I kicked dad! You’re saying I’m bad! That hurts my feelings! You have to say sorry!”

[…]

He actually thinks that his bad feeling at being told he kicked his father is the same thing as the kick itself.

I think the exact same thing is going on here. He really is hurt that I said his actions were hurtful, but he completely fails to understand what that really means. Suddenly the people saying protesting oppression is exactly as bad as oppression make a lot more sense, don’t they. Except that I tried to gently point out this exact problem only to get whining about how even that was too rude so, y’know, screw it.

Also, just, good lord, how do you not realize how childish it is to constantly derail your story with random political potshots?