My whole by-date thing is all messed up by FFN’s new display system, so I can’t actually tell where the cutoff point is precisely. I’m going by what X hours from the stroke of midnight last night, but given rounding I could be wrong in either direction. But on the flipside, the title display above all fanfics currently says “a pokemon fanfiction” and not “a Pokemon fanfiction”, so haha an arbitrary authority supports me!
Anyway, here’s the first thing I see:
New Year Chaos
By: Pokeluv101
Orange invites all of his friends to a New Years party but it seemed while the men were away, the women found something to drink. Now Orange have to manage his drunk wife. This contains my OCs
Disclaimer: I do not own Pokemon or any of the characters except for my OCs This is mainly involve my OCs from Teardrops in the Sea, Aqua and Turquoise (twins of Blue and Green), Orange (the son of Red and Yellow), Aries (daughter of Silver and Lyra), Moonstone (daughter of Gold and Crystal), Topaz (Captain of the pirate ship, the WindWarrior), Amethysts (daughter of Ruby and Sapphire), Crimson (an assassin), Gray (son of Black and White) and Quartz (the daughter of Dia and Platina). Of course the shippings of my OCs are: Meddlingshipping (Aqua and Orange), Innocentshipping (Aries and Turquoise), Angelicshipping (Amethysts and Crimson), HappyMoonshipping (Moonstone and Topaz) and Royalshipping (Quartz and Gray).
So, this year’s rules are amended to include the fact holiday fic can officially go fuck itself.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9979368/1/Mastering-the-Demons
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[This can’t be happening; I
tried convincing myself ]
tried convincing myself ]
Stop using semicolons.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.
(Zero reviews!)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“Ah, my Lady!” the old
butler Sebastian said as he quickly approached her. “I must ask
you to please reconsider. The outside world is very dangerous! Beyond
this region, there is no way we may be of any assistance should you
require us!”
butler Sebastian said as he quickly approached her. “I must ask
you to please reconsider. The outside world is very dangerous! Beyond
this region, there is no way we may be of any assistance should you
require us!”
Platinum smiled. “I know. I know that the outside world
appears to be filled with danger and fear. But I can take care of
myself now, grandfather.]
“Grandfather” for an old guy
who’s not related to you in the least only works in Japanese. In
English, which is the language the word “grandfather” and
the rest of your writing belongs to, it’s used for people who are
actually your grandfather. Also, when used in place of a name, it’s
capitalized “Grandfather” while “Lady” probably
doesn’t need to be capitalized since it’s got “my” in front
of it. And when you later use the word professor as the guy’s name?
Capitalized because it’s used as a name.
who’s not related to you in the least only works in Japanese. In
English, which is the language the word “grandfather” and
the rest of your writing belongs to, it’s used for people who are
actually your grandfather. Also, when used in place of a name, it’s
capitalized “Grandfather” while “Lady” probably
doesn’t need to be capitalized since it’s got “my” in front
of it. And when you later use the word professor as the guy’s name?
Capitalized because it’s used as a name.
Anyway, this is pretty slow paced –
you really do not need to spend half the chapter on people saying she
might not be safe and everyone’s concerned for her safety and safety
safety coddle.
you really do not need to spend half the chapter on people saying she
might not be safe and everyone’s concerned for her safety and safety
safety coddle.
Especially when despite all the
concern, her pokemon sure are terrible at handling people attacking
her, aren’t they?
concern, her pokemon sure are terrible at handling people attacking
her, aren’t they?
I haven’t read the later volumes, so
can anyone enlighten me if Platinum actually is a pathetic damsel in
distress?
can anyone enlighten me if Platinum actually is a pathetic damsel in
distress?
(3 reviews!)
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
(Zero reviews!)
Script format is against the rules,
failing to spellcheck or proofread is against the rules, porn is
against the rules…
failing to spellcheck or proofread is against the rules, porn is
against the rules…
(2)
[several tree’s canopies ]
It’d be “trees'”. If there’s
already an S, you stick the apostrophe after it.
already an S, you stick the apostrophe after it.
Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
[a Nidorina and Nidorino]
You’re otherwise not capitalizing
pokemon species, which is good, but you do so here.
pokemon species, which is good, but you do so here.
[However; any another human could
easily see this old man was in no condition to do much of anything
just from the way he stumbled and shuffled over to a tree, not to
mention the quickly growing red stain under his hand to know that. ]
easily see this old man was in no condition to do much of anything
just from the way he stumbled and shuffled over to a tree, not to
mention the quickly growing red stain under his hand to know that. ]
In addition to your rogue semicolon,
“to know that” shouldn’t be there at the end.
“to know that” shouldn’t be there at the end.
[on it’s side ]
Its. When dealing with pronouns, they
just don’t get the possessive apostrophe at all. You only use “it’s”
for “it is”.
just don’t get the possessive apostrophe at all. You only use “it’s”
for “it is”.
[might of done ]
You mean “might have”, often
shortened to “might’ve” which is what sounds like “might
of”.
shortened to “might’ve” which is what sounds like “might
of”.
[A few short moments later (more like a
few eternities to the old man) a young man of about thirty years old
was kneeling down next to him and looking to his face, saying
something that only got lost as his hearing failed him in death’s
grasp. Feeling that he was on Death’s door, the old man managed to
hold up the metal rectangle and found himself saying his final words
in this ever darkening world:
few eternities to the old man) a young man of about thirty years old
was kneeling down next to him and looking to his face, saying
something that only got lost as his hearing failed him in death’s
grasp. Feeling that he was on Death’s door, the old man managed to
hold up the metal rectangle and found himself saying his final words
in this ever darkening world:
“Please… protect… her…”]
Wouldn’t it be more productive to let
her go so she can protect herself?
her go so she can protect herself?
[Now painfully aware of his lack of any
pokemon to defend himself with ]
pokemon to defend himself with ]
Wait, everyone needs pokemon to venture
out of town or even risk entering tall grass within one. If that’s
different, you need to spend a little while explaining why this
area’s pokemon are safe enough. If you just don’t want him to be a
pokemon trainer, it’s cleaner to invent some sort of rental agency
that offers people pokemon for short trips/some government program
that hands them out to any adult walking out the town gates. You can
even keep his unease since those pokemon presumably aren’t L100 super
fighters and might not even be strong enough to do more than scare
off a few ornery weedle and whatever other weak pokemon this area
usually is limited to.
out of town or even risk entering tall grass within one. If that’s
different, you need to spend a little while explaining why this
area’s pokemon are safe enough. If you just don’t want him to be a
pokemon trainer, it’s cleaner to invent some sort of rental agency
that offers people pokemon for short trips/some government program
that hands them out to any adult walking out the town gates. You can
even keep his unease since those pokemon presumably aren’t L100 super
fighters and might not even be strong enough to do more than scare
off a few ornery weedle and whatever other weak pokemon this area
usually is limited to.
[Steve decided that he would have ample
time and safety to review the recording in the comfort of his
apartment in Lumiose city. Just as he was turning to leave however,
Steve caught sight of an insignia on the old man’s now blood stained
lab coat. A black shield like shape with a red R overlapping it. This
man was a team rocket scientist! Despositing the ball and tape
recorder into his pocket, Steve made a mental note to report the
scientist’s death to the Lumiose police station after he got back and
set off back in the direction towards the gleaming city.
time and safety to review the recording in the comfort of his
apartment in Lumiose city. Just as he was turning to leave however,
Steve caught sight of an insignia on the old man’s now blood stained
lab coat. A black shield like shape with a red R overlapping it. This
man was a team rocket scientist! Despositing the ball and tape
recorder into his pocket, Steve made a mental note to report the
scientist’s death to the Lumiose police station after he got back and
set off back in the direction towards the gleaming city.
About ten minutes later, Steve was safe and sound inside the walls
of Lumoise. He didn’t quite know why, but during his walk back to his
apartment Steve just couldn’t shake this feeling of being…
observed. He dismissed this feeling as just nerves and continued to
his home.
A few short minutes later, Steve was slumped into a chair of his
with his phone in his right hand. He had just given an anonymous tip
about the scientist’s death and was pondering just what to do next in
this unexpectedly turbulent series of events. ]
Why didn’t he go straight to the
police? The guy didn’t even manage to choke out any ominous warning
about doing so, and the most likely purpose of the tape recorder was
to hold some important evidence for the police. He needs an
explanation for why he’s trying to avoid them as much as possible and
then another one for why, if he was planning to go the anonymous tip
route, he didn’t leave the tape recorder for the police as well. You
need something here, whether it’s the scientist explaining that the
police are the ones who shot him and the whole department is
compromised or just some vague gasping that he can’t let anyone know.
police? The guy didn’t even manage to choke out any ominous warning
about doing so, and the most likely purpose of the tape recorder was
to hold some important evidence for the police. He needs an
explanation for why he’s trying to avoid them as much as possible and
then another one for why, if he was planning to go the anonymous tip
route, he didn’t leave the tape recorder for the police as well. You
need something here, whether it’s the scientist explaining that the
police are the ones who shot him and the whole department is
compromised or just some vague gasping that he can’t let anyone know.
[To whomever finds this, PLEASE keep
her safe. Despite what she looks like, she’s just a girl and needs
someone to look after *cough* her. ]
her safe. Despite what she looks like, she’s just a girl and needs
someone to look after *cough* her. ]
Ugh. No, she’s a superpowered
legendary, and the fact she’s a girl doesn’t change that. There are
plenty of reasons why an escaped mewtwo might need help lying low and
not getting recaptured, but “just a girl” should not be one
of them and the primary concern should not be looking after her.
legendary, and the fact she’s a girl doesn’t change that. There are
plenty of reasons why an escaped mewtwo might need help lying low and
not getting recaptured, but “just a girl” should not be one
of them and the primary concern should not be looking after her.
[Somewhat reassured of his safety at
the knowladge of Sen’s apparent helplessness ]
the knowladge of Sen’s apparent helplessness ]
Spellcheck. Also, he’s an idiot, a
message that starts with “despite” and then goes on to try
to justify why you shouldn’t run away screaming means whatever’s
about to be unleashed probably isn’t safe. Pet tigers need people to
look after them too.
message that starts with “despite” and then goes on to try
to justify why you shouldn’t run away screaming means whatever’s
about to be unleashed probably isn’t safe. Pet tigers need people to
look after them too.
[Steve sat up and got to work
re-arranging his living room to hopefully accommodate whatever
species Sen was. A few minutes later, Steve had an area of about 3×3
feet ready and waiting for Sen’s appearance. ]
re-arranging his living room to hopefully accommodate whatever
species Sen was. A few minutes later, Steve had an area of about 3×3
feet ready and waiting for Sen’s appearance. ]
Now he’s really an idiot. Even the most
charitable reading of the scientist’s message is that whatever it is
will look terrifying and like it doesn’t need help, which means even
if it’s basically a friendly puppy there’s a very good chance it’s
large, and, given it’s a pokemon we’re talking about, it might also
be currently on fire. At the least have him thinking it sucks he has
no larger place to go to before opening it. (And a lot of apartments
have basements where they keep washing machines or stuff, so he could
try going down there, since he only needs a few seconds to release
the pokemon and check that it’s small enough and not on fire or
dripping acid enough that he can safely fit it in his apartment.)
charitable reading of the scientist’s message is that whatever it is
will look terrifying and like it doesn’t need help, which means even
if it’s basically a friendly puppy there’s a very good chance it’s
large, and, given it’s a pokemon we’re talking about, it might also
be currently on fire. At the least have him thinking it sucks he has
no larger place to go to before opening it. (And a lot of apartments
have basements where they keep washing machines or stuff, so he could
try going down there, since he only needs a few seconds to release
the pokemon and check that it’s small enough and not on fire or
dripping acid enough that he can safely fit it in his apartment.)
Ah, the mewtwo needs help from
humans subgenre. Often pretty shaky when it comes to justifying the
help-needing, but if it turns out to literally be because this one’s
a girl I think we have a new low.
humans subgenre. Often pretty shaky when it comes to justifying the
help-needing, but if it turns out to literally be because this one’s
a girl I think we have a new low.
(4! So, competent writing is
correlating to more reviews for once.)
correlating to more reviews for once.)
You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
(3)
[Ash’s
Pikachu dominated most of Trevelyan’s Pokemon in order: Salamence
with HP Ice, Rhyperior with Grass Knot, Aurorus with Brick Break,
Jellicent with Volt Tackle, Porygon2 with Brick Break, and Milotic
with Volt Tackle. ]
Pikachu dominated most of Trevelyan’s Pokemon in order: Salamence
with HP Ice, Rhyperior with Grass Knot, Aurorus with Brick Break,
Jellicent with Volt Tackle, Porygon2 with Brick Break, and Milotic
with Volt Tackle. ]
1)
This is possibly the most boring way you could possibly write a
battle ever. Just don’t mention it at all if this is what you’re
going to do.
This is possibly the most boring way you could possibly write a
battle ever. Just don’t mention it at all if this is what you’re
going to do.
2) You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Good god your
dialogue is just awful.
dialogue is just awful.
[“Damn, baby. It’s been long since
we last met,” Ash said.
we last met,” Ash said.
“I know, and you’ve grown tall, I
see. You were like 4’11. Now you’re 5’7, pass an inch of my height,”
Rochelle said.]
see. You were like 4’11. Now you’re 5’7, pass an inch of my height,”
Rochelle said.]
No one looks at someone and starts
discussing how they are now this precise height. Also, this sounds
like it’s there only because you felt it was vitally important that
Ash be taller than the girl he’s dating and this be explained in
detail so everyone would know, which is really, really dumb.
discussing how they are now this precise height. Also, this sounds
like it’s there only because you felt it was vitally important that
Ash be taller than the girl he’s dating and this be explained in
detail so everyone would know, which is really, really dumb.
And now suddenly sex, written with
barely more care and attention than your battle earlier but sadly,
not as brief.
barely more care and attention than your battle earlier but sadly,
not as brief.
Ah, childish badfic. It’s really
refreshing to just see something that’s straight-up crappy without it
being virtually unreadable for the errors.
refreshing to just see something that’s straight-up crappy without it
being virtually unreadable for the errors.
(0)
[Just
as the woman was humming a happy tune, she failed to notice a set of
glowing eyes following her. In fact, these eyes belonged to a teen
who had been following her since she’d left the store, but this was
no ordinary teen. He was a reptilian creature that stood on two legs
and had orange skin. A big crest that resembled a Mohawk rested atop
his head as he also sported loose yellow skin that resembled baggy
trousers and a scarf, the reptile seeming to be having a bit of
trouble keeping the lower skin up as he had to pull it up quite a few
times. ]
as the woman was humming a happy tune, she failed to notice a set of
glowing eyes following her. In fact, these eyes belonged to a teen
who had been following her since she’d left the store, but this was
no ordinary teen. He was a reptilian creature that stood on two legs
and had orange skin. A big crest that resembled a Mohawk rested atop
his head as he also sported loose yellow skin that resembled baggy
trousers and a scarf, the reptile seeming to be having a bit of
trouble keeping the lower skin up as he had to pull it up quite a few
times. ]
Seriously?
You could not have picked a worse pokemon to do this with. Now your
story has weird racism in it.
You could not have picked a worse pokemon to do this with. Now your
story has weird racism in it.
Also,
don’t capitalize random words.
don’t capitalize random words.
[Either
way, he had a devious grin on his face as the woman was still
oblivious, the lizard waiting for just the right moment to strike
when the woman stopped at a red light, the reptile’s grin widening as
he sprang off the ground, aiming a kick straight for her head with
his knee pointed out, the woman just about to take in the hit when
suddenly, a ground and red streak flashed through the sky, hitting
the lizard hard and sending him flying into a lamp post, the woman
hearing this as she turned. ]
way, he had a devious grin on his face as the woman was still
oblivious, the lizard waiting for just the right moment to strike
when the woman stopped at a red light, the reptile’s grin widening as
he sprang off the ground, aiming a kick straight for her head with
his knee pointed out, the woman just about to take in the hit when
suddenly, a ground and red streak flashed through the sky, hitting
the lizard hard and sending him flying into a lamp post, the woman
hearing this as she turned. ]
Is
this RP related? Because that is one long and tortured sentence with
a kicker of tense-issues.
this RP related? Because that is one long and tortured sentence with
a kicker of tense-issues.
Regardless,
you also need to stop piling in different epithets. He’s a teen,
reptilitan, a reptile proper, and also specifically a lizard? Pick
one. Better yet, just admit we all know what pokemon you’re talking
about and stop dancing around it.
you also need to stop piling in different epithets. He’s a teen,
reptilitan, a reptile proper, and also specifically a lizard? Pick
one. Better yet, just admit we all know what pokemon you’re talking
about and stop dancing around it.
Paragraphing
has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is
not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker
means you start a new paragraph.
has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is
not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker
means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
[Is
dad finally coming back home? ]
dad finally coming back home? ]
When
used in place of a name, it’s written Dad, in any other constructions
like my/her/the dad it’s written as such.
used in place of a name, it’s written Dad, in any other constructions
like my/her/the dad it’s written as such.
[I
received an important message last night from the Tower of Justice.”
received an important message last night from the Tower of Justice.”
Machoke blinked, clearly looking confused as to what this had to
do with him as the woman smiled bright, saying, “You’re going to
be a hero, son,” all going silent as Machoke asked, “What?”
the woman’s smile widening as she added, “The government has
issued that you along with a lot of others with the blood of heroes
in their veins must attend Hero School.”]
So
heroism works by forced conscription? Also, you’d think the heroes
themselves might want to try to fight the clearly evil government
that’s rounding up all their kids to be the next generation of
soldiers.
heroism works by forced conscription? Also, you’d think the heroes
themselves might want to try to fight the clearly evil government
that’s rounding up all their kids to be the next generation of
soldiers.
[Welcome,
one and all to the first day of Hero School. For the next month, you
will be training hard for those who graduate who will assigned to
protect Earth. Anyone who fails to graduate will have to stay here
for another month and this will continue until you qualify ]
one and all to the first day of Hero School. For the next month, you
will be training hard for those who graduate who will assigned to
protect Earth. Anyone who fails to graduate will have to stay here
for another month and this will continue until you qualify ]
So
poorly trained child soldiers at that! I can see why supervillainy is
on the rise.
poorly trained child soldiers at that! I can see why supervillainy is
on the rise.
(0)
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
(0)
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
This
is a bit dull. You spend a lot of time on the setup – do you really
need to have her talking about leaving, then waking up to leave and
talking more about it, then going to leave and more talking and only
then actually getting on the plane? And speaking of speaking, your
story is really unbalanced and you desperately need to be using more
narration and less dialogue in general.
is a bit dull. You spend a lot of time on the setup – do you really
need to have her talking about leaving, then waking up to leave and
talking more about it, then going to leave and more talking and only
then actually getting on the plane? And speaking of speaking, your
story is really unbalanced and you desperately need to be using more
narration and less dialogue in general.
(0)
[a
male Delphox, rules the pack with her mother, a female Delphox. ]
male Delphox, rules the pack with her mother, a female Delphox. ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[She is second in line to become leader
of the pack, right behind her older brother, a male Braixen named
Raph. Fiarai’s younger brother, Ricio, is third in line. But his
parents would make sure he got something because chances were he
wasn’t going to rule at all.
of the pack, right behind her older brother, a male Braixen named
Raph. Fiarai’s younger brother, Ricio, is third in line. But his
parents would make sure he got something because chances were he
wasn’t going to rule at all.
However, if one of the leader’s heirs were to marry, then they
would immediately become the leaders when they came of age.]
What? That doesn’t make the slightest
sense. And apparently it’s impossible more than one of them could get
married.
sense. And apparently it’s impossible more than one of them could get
married.
[Besides, there were no other Fennekin
on Fiarai’s side of the forest, she didn’t even know if there were
any Fennekin in this entire forest ]
on Fiarai’s side of the forest, she didn’t even know if there were
any Fennekin in this entire forest ]
Which doesn’t matter given fennekin can
breed with plenty of other pokemon.
breed with plenty of other pokemon.
[The East side is ruled by a strong and
powerful Chesnaught. He rules pokemon there harshly, and makes every
pokemon train every day. The West side is Fiarai’s, and is ruled by
her father mostly. There used to be peace between them, but ten years
ago it all suddenly stopped. In fact, the only thing that kept war
from forming was the river that split both the East and West sides.
All pokemon depended on that river for water.]
powerful Chesnaught. He rules pokemon there harshly, and makes every
pokemon train every day. The West side is Fiarai’s, and is ruled by
her father mostly. There used to be peace between them, but ten years
ago it all suddenly stopped. In fact, the only thing that kept war
from forming was the river that split both the East and West sides.
All pokemon depended on that river for water.]
So the fact they’re sharing a resource
is preventing a war, because this is set in opposite land. Also, if
the difference between the two sides is one is militarized, then
there shouldn’t be two sides anymore, it’s pretty obvious who’d win.
is preventing a war, because this is set in opposite land. Also, if
the difference between the two sides is one is militarized, then
there shouldn’t be two sides anymore, it’s pretty obvious who’d win.
[Fiarai looked like any other Fennekin,
but like an Umbreon she had rings on her shoulders, forehead, and
thighs. They were made of the red fur just like the tufts of her ears
and glowed just like them. Even her snout was different, it wasn’t
pointed like a Fennekin’s, it was box-like like a Lucario.]
but like an Umbreon she had rings on her shoulders, forehead, and
thighs. They were made of the red fur just like the tufts of her ears
and glowed just like them. Even her snout was different, it wasn’t
pointed like a Fennekin’s, it was box-like like a Lucario.]
In that case, why isn’t her dad
wondering if she’s actually his daughter?
wondering if she’s actually his daughter?
[In a time of war between the East side
of the forest and West side, there was no hope of piece. But a
Fennekin son of the West side, and a Chespin daughter of the East
side somehow became friends, despite the feud between their parents.
Every day they met by the forest boundaries and played with each
other until sunset.
of the forest and West side, there was no hope of piece. But a
Fennekin son of the West side, and a Chespin daughter of the East
side somehow became friends, despite the feud between their parents.
Every day they met by the forest boundaries and played with each
other until sunset.
One day, both of the pokemon’s parents
declared it was time for their heirs to continue the fight, so the
Chespin and Fennekin lead the armies to the middle of the forest,
where the best friends had met. But instead of commanding a fight,
they both stood between the warriors, symbolizing their friendship.]
declared it was time for their heirs to continue the fight, so the
Chespin and Fennekin lead the armies to the middle of the forest,
where the best friends had met. But instead of commanding a fight,
they both stood between the warriors, symbolizing their friendship.]
It’s always a really bad idea to have a
legend summarizing the rest of your story’s plot in the first
chapter. It makes it obvious no one needs to bother reading the rest.
legend summarizing the rest of your story’s plot in the first
chapter. It makes it obvious no one needs to bother reading the rest.
(1)
Well then. We’ve already got a
mewtwo story, a pokemon tribes story, pokemorphs and high school, and
childish attempts at porn. What’s surprising is the state of OT fic –
it seems people are more into writing about canon trainers.
mewtwo story, a pokemon tribes story, pokemorphs and high school, and
childish attempts at porn. What’s surprising is the state of OT fic –
it seems people are more into writing about canon trainers.
And the state of reviews in the category continues to be dire, though at least this is only looking at fic that’s just under a day old.
A part of me wants to ask if you can review my old Pokemon fic, but the other part of me is afraid that you’d hate it.
…It’s called For Our Lord N, if you’re curious. o .o
And I’m still working on the two fics I promised you! I’m proofreading one, and the other managed to hit 30 pages with no end in sight, haha….
N fic is fun but I am buried right now. So many people posting so many fics!!!!!!!!
It’s all cool. Just, whenever you have the time/feel up to it, I’d be interested in a review from you. :)