Dragon Quill

[General: What?! People not following
rules? Those must be brought to justice. This cannot be allowed. The
site ought to have a way to enforce their rules! *Ahem, incase any of
your admins are reading this story for some reason* ]

Hey, you know what’s else is a rule?
Spellcheck, you idiot.

I don’t know why you felt like half
your “story” should actually be the dumbest author notes I
have ever seen, but I’m sure not wasting my time further on this.

Opening your story
with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly,
horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and
boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here,
hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you
should have started at some other, interesting point.

Really, the only
thing more cliché is doing that right after an obvious dream of them
being a champion…

You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Write
out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

[Now, I only have one more thing to
ask.”

Well, it’s nice to see that’s a factor,
even if it doesn’t yet affect anything.

Beyond
that, this is standard OT fic with standard OT fic problems – your
battles are dull and mostly dialogue, there’s no sign of any plot
beyond your trainer walking around, and there’s no suspense or
tension. You need an actual plot, and not one you’re planning to
introduce in ten chapters but a plot that starts right now.

This
is pretty awful.

Your
story is just the end of a battle, which means you need to actually
be able to write battles and not just people shouting attack names
while the narration talks a bit about how Ash is great. There’s no
sense of stakes to this because you don’t bother to establish them,
you’re expecting the fact it’s something Ash wants (theoretically,
you don’t actually bother to go into that here either) to carry
things. And there’s no suspense at all even for that non-plot,
because you telegraph the fact Ash will win.

You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she
said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she
said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said.
The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a
speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She
grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,”
She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because
it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like
laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re
breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said.
“This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is
it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

Semicolons
do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when
grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly,
judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable.
If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because
the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look
pretentious.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.

Look,
you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right.
You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be
fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to
complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from
fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick
only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.

You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she
said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she
said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said.
The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a
speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She
grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,”
She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because
it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like
laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re
breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said.
“This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is
it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

Eh,
there’s not much plot here. Ash is asked to sell his pokemon and says
no, the end. You tell us Ash cares a lot about his tauros, but it’s a
herd of pokemon he barely interacts with. If getting sold to “work
farms” is a horrible fate he needs to protect his pokemon from,
it just makes him a selfish dick that he doesn’t care about those
work farms existing and all the other presumably miserable tauros. Or
campaigning to stop people from catching individual tauros at all
given he’s insisting it’s wrong to separate them from their herds.

You
really need to proofread better. You’ve got typos and sentence
fragments/run on sentences all through this.

Write
out numbers with letters.

Also, in a world where green hair seems
like a natural hair color I don’t think mothers would rant about how
it’s freakish.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

Opening your story with a character
waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and
to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if
I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of
times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some
other, interesting point.

Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

[My father was a teacher at one of the
local Pokemon Trainers Schools where he taught subjects like
geography, history and so forth since he had never been a Trainer
himself. My mom was a teacher at the same school, mostly working with
younger kids and teaching them about the vary basics of Pokemon. She
had not been a Trainer either but had some basic knowledge and
experience working with Pokemon from one of the jobs she had before
teaching ]

Given just about everyone is a trainer,
why would both of his parents have no experience with it and also why
wouldn’t a pokemon school be able to employ former trainers?

[Travis was fifteen, only two years
younger than me. ]

Oh god you’re having a seventeen year
old trainer? Really.

[The legal age to obtain a Trainer’s
license had been increased from ten to fourteen about a decade back
after a series of serious incidents and even deaths involving several
very young and inexperienced trainers became the focus of public
outcry. ]

See, your very explanation points out
why making the trainers older is so stupid. Inexperienced ten year
olds having to deal with serious incidents and the possibility of
death is actually interesting. Overcompetent seventeen year olds
breezing through their lives is not.

[The League had also attempted to
introduce incentives for prospective trainers to stay in school all
the way to age sixteen by promising a decent sum of money that could
be used to help finance a Trainer journey would be awarded to those
students who had an upstanding academic record at the time of their
graduation. The League`s plan was not overly successful as many kids
still dropped out of school the moment they turned fourteen but there
was a decent number that stayed all the way to graduation in order to
receive their bursary money. ]

Money that comes from where, exactly?
Why? Why have they created a plan that gives incentive only to the
kids who are doing great at their classes and likely know what
they’re doing, while the kids who are flunking out have no reason not
to head off?

And why would they want to? The
standard model is basically kids taking a year off and then going
back to school. The more you try to delay it, the more likely you’ll
just end up with an underclass as kids fail as trainers but don’t go
back to school. Which, I guess does fit with the fact only the poor
students are really forced to stay in school to sixteen while the
richer ones can drop out early and come back/start on the adult
career path faster since presumably “trainer” schools don’t
do much to cover those aspects.

And he still hasn’t even gotten a
pokemon yet.

[This is an AU in which Ash is smarter
and more powerful. Not the most original idea ]

The problem isn’t that it’s an
unoriginal idea, it’s that it’s a bad one. You’re taking a character
who’s already overpowered enough to win despite not knowing much
about pokemon, making him even more powerful, then making him smarter
so he doesn’t even make the mistakes he used to need that power to
overcome.

If you want to write about a smarter,
stronger Ash, write about Gary. He’s right there, outdoing Ash!

[Please note that Ash will
be OOC, and that any complaints about that will be ignored.
]

Nope! If you can’t write Ash but just
smarter, then you shouldn’t be trying to write a smarter version of
Ash. Just write your own character like a proper author instead of
dressing them up in Ash’s flayed skin.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

Being smarter wouldn’t have changed the
fact Ash breaks his alarm clock while asleep. If you want to write
about generic trainer boy who gets a regular starter without issue,
write that. It’ll still be terrible but at least you won’t be doing
this bait and switch.

When used in place of a name, it’s
written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it’s
written as such.

And now he’s best buddies with Gary,
because clearly, Gary is the sort of person who’d get nicer the more
another person seemed a legitimate threat to his own ego.

[“Now,” the Professor began
as they reached the room with the Pokemon, “unfortunately,
Charmander, Bulbasaur, and Squirtle by the other trainers.” Ash
looked like he was about to cry, so the Professor continued. “But
there is one more Pokemon that you could have. I should warn you,
it’s quite temperamental and hard to deal with, but I’m sure you’ll
be able to handle it.” ]

Yeah, I’m out.

There’s no reason for him to be missing
out on a regular starter pokemon when you wouldn’t let him be late,
probably because it got in the way of him being a perfect sue. Yet
you’re going to have it happen anyway because that’s how the story
goes, because who needs reasons for things when you can have your sue
trotting along being perfect?

Don’t italicize everything.

Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

This is very choppy and a lot of your
sentences seem to be missing a word or two. You should really find a
beta reader.

Starting at the league is an
improvement over starting with the character getting their first
pokemon, but it doesn’t deal with the problem that a trainer doing
trainer stuff with no actual stakes or important goals isn’t very
interesting. The show could get away with this because animated
battles look exciting regardless.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

[Battle Music: Pokémon
Origins: Champion Battle Music]

Don’t do this.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

[the four legged steel/psychic lands on
the field with a crash and also makes its presence felt with a cry of
its own, it tries to intimidate Omega but I know that Omega has seen
enough battles with stronger Pokémon so he shouldn’t be that scared
of Alex’s seemingly underleveled Metagross. ]

[I smile knowing that with my level
advantage I can easily out manoeuvre Alex’s Pokémon. ]

[he simply stamps the ground firmly
which causes the ground underneath Metagross to churn. Metagross
slumps to the ground and struggles to get back up, but the powerful
attack from my overleveled friend is too much and my opponent faints
]

You do a very good job of writing the
exchange of moves in the fight to make it dynamic and
exciting…except you also make it clear that your character has the
objective advantage and is winning not by strategy but because he’s
simply got all the cards in his favor. This might be cathartic in a
fic where we’d followed him and watched him struggle to earn this,
but without that my sympathies are for his underdog opponent putting
up a good fight despite being at the disadvantage and focusing on
smart tactics and predicting the other trainer. Really, about the
only major mistake he makes is not pulling his pokemon back every
time so your character can type match, and frankly doing so is pretty
cheap.

[and before I can even tell Ace to
dodge ]

I realize it’s a staple of fanfic but
it’s still dumb to need to tell pokemon to dodge as if they wouldn’t
want to avoid attacks on their own.

Don’t label time/scene changes. They
should be obvious from context.

You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

It’s
nice to see a proper drabble. But it doesn’t manage to tell a story
within the limits, which is the spirit of the challenge.

Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she
said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she
said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said.
The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a
speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She
grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,”
She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because
it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like
laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re
breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said.
“This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is
it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

Semicolons
do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when
grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly,
judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable.
If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because
the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look
pretentious.

[“Please, don’t hurt me!” I
cry out as one of them slowly moves closer to me. The tree then
speaks and for once, I can understand what it says. Reaching it’s
branch-like arm to me, it says:

“Do not worry, young one. We care
for our own.”]

“Its” is possessive, as in
“its story”, and “it’s” means “it is”.
And this whole thing would be better formatted as:

[“Please, don’t hurt me!” I
cry out as one of them slowly moves closer to me.

The tree then speaks and for once, I
can understand what it says. Reaching it’s branch-like arm to me, it
says: “Do not worry, young one. We care for our own.”]

because generally, narration about a
speaker goes in the same line as the speech does.

[My eyes are now a piercing red ]

I think it’d be stronger if you had the
character saying their eyes were the same piercing red as the
creatures, to hammer in that the kid isn’t accepting this just
because they’re in a new body but specifically because they realize
they’re the same.

But anyway, this was written with a
nice clear voice and it’s a cute idea for the older ones to come pick
up the lost children.

Hm. As a theory, it does sort of make
sense, especially with ditto also being tied in with the missingno
glitch, though it’s weird Team Rocket was fine with dumping proof of
their presumably illegal experiments for anyone to find. Might work
better if the order was to kill them and the scientist just kept
releasing them instead, since as it is he’s pretty passive and all he
does is say he thinks they’re great but doesn’t do much of anything.

[her crimson orbs ]

EYES.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

…your plot is that the pokemon’s
trainer’s evil Team Rocket sister sent a button that when pressed
sent the pokemon into another world where her trainer is her mom and
she’s a pokemorph? That was the best you could do?

Look, if you really can’t think of any
good way to do something, just say it’s magic. A good explanation is
better than no explanation, but no explanation is better is better
than a terrible one.

Look,
you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right.
You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be
fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to
complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from
fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick
only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.

And you should definitely not be doing
so as a separate chapter, since nonstory chapters are banned.

Try harder.

Write out numbers with letters.

[a dark un light cave ]

“un light” is presumably
meant to be “unlit” and this is really redundant.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.

[Laughing to itself slightly, a small
red and black paw stepped out from the bush and anyone who could see
the creature would’ve tried to catch it immediately. ]

This is confusingly put. There isn’t
much tie between laughing and a paw stepping out and the fact people
will catch it. These really should be separate sentences.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

“Its” is possessive, as in
“its story”, and “it’s” means “it is”.

[A female’s voice ]

Don’t refer to people as “a
female”. “A female voice” would work here because then
female is being used as an adjective, as would “a girl’s voice”.

[thankfully to it’s black coat ]

Thanks to.

[Sighing the male ]

Don’t refer to people as “the
male” either.

[a curios way ]

Curious.

Proofread better and get a beta reader.

I don’t know what made you think rape
was a good idea to put in this, but it wasn’t. It really, really
wasn’t.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“Dude, you just got owned by a
girl.” ]

It’s best to avoid casual sexism unless
it’s serving some vital role in your story.

Don’t label POVs, it should be clear
from context.

Don’t center all your text, it’s
incredibly annoying to read.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You have way too much dialogue and too
little narration. It feels like you’re trying to move your plot about
by having people say that’s what they’re doing at the moment.

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You don’t need to describe every thread
of your character’s outfit.

Don’t hop between first and third
person POV.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

It’s really hard to keep track of who’s
speaking. New speaker = new paragraph, not every time someone tries
to take a breath before they get to the next sentence.

[Use Psyhic ]

Proofread.

Spellcheck.

Don’t label
flashbacks.

Don’t use ”
for thoughts. It just looks like your character is talking to
themself.

Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she
said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she
said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said.
The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a
speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She
grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,”
She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because
it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like
laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re
breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said.
“This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is
it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

Paragraphing has
rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not
to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means
you start a new paragraph.

Nonstory chapters
are banned.

Look,
you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right.
You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be
fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to
complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from
fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick
only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.

[the cities gym leader ]

The city’s. Possessives function
differently from plurals.

Don’t use ” for thoughts. It just
looks like your character is talking to themself.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[N chuckled. “There is no need to
worry. I’m harmless right now; I do not plan to hurt you. I just want
to take a ride with a special girl.”

Touko blushed, “a special girl?”
She thought, “Am I really that special?”]

I really don’t think this reaction
makes sense. The fact the king of Plasma is also stalking her because
he has a crush on her should be making this even more terrifying –
it’d be one thing if you presented her as not afraid and about to
jump at the chance to beat him up before he makes it clear he’s not
here to fight, but you present her as really unhappy with the idea of
being trapped in there with the head of Team Plasma, so I don’t see
why him being extra interested in her would be anything but more
threatening. Forget for a moment that you like the character based on
everything you know and imagine meeting a near stranger like this who
confesses to be an armed criminal and also he’s been stalking you
because you’re so special.And I also don’t think you realize
just how sinister N comes off when you have him using phrases like
“harmless RIGHT NOW” and “do not PLAN to hurt you”.
Again, both would be helped if Touko seemed less startled and more
happy to battle, because then there’s no implied threat that this may
change if she doesn’t play along.

…and even more so with him kissing
her. Seriously, this is not a setup that benefits from Touko seeming
stunned, uncertain, and in danger if anything upsets N and makes him
change his mind about being harmless. Less of her being worried and
needing to be told that N doesn’t currently plan to hurt her. If
Touko was clearly not in physical danger, the rest of this wouldn’t
come off so skeevy.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

“Its” is possessive, as in
“its story”, and “it’s” means “it is”.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Well, as reasons for starting late go,
because the kid’s violent and getting into enough fights without a
pokemon to sic on people is different. It doesn’t really do anything
for the core problems, like that once he does become a trainer he’s
going to lose to eleven year olds and that it’s not impressive
watching someone travel around when ten year olds can manage it.

Anyway, this chapter is almost all the
game opening, which a lot of people played and everyone’s seen
recounted in fanfic form a few thousand times. Redoing the opening
around the idea he’s a powderkeg would probably be enough of a tweak
to make things different, but you just have the standard opening and
one mention of that.

[Mutants(I need a more better name)
these are the hardest to kill. They are weird. Some can twist any
bone to a 360 degree, Some have one arm and a tentacle that is about
5 ft long. Some can crawl on ceilings, and some can shot long rays of
acid. This is the final stage of the zombie life cycleKevin Miranda

Crazies(The fast ones) are really fast,
and have no physical boundaries. These are not hard to kill, just
shoot them about three times and they die, have the same weaknesses
of regular humans]

Did you mean to post this as your
chapter?