Mistakenly, I did things other than chip away at this today.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Like that Electabuzz of Lieutenant
Surge]
Surge]
Of Lieutenant Surge’s. Or more cleanly,
[Like Lieutenant Surge’s electabuzz]
[Like Lieutenant Surge’s electabuzz]
[that species were fault ]
Faulty.
I like how this is laid out for the
most part (and how you build the case for Red’s feelings is very well
done), but you should keep an eye out for errors.
most part (and how you build the case for Red’s feelings is very well
done), but you should keep an eye out for errors.
(1)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[After finally deciding that he wasn’t
hurt, he checked his Pokeballs. His Pikachu was there. His first
Pokemon, and friend. A innocent looking yellow mouse with enough
electricity in its body to cause a thunderstorm.
hurt, he checked his Pokeballs. His Pikachu was there. His first
Pokemon, and friend. A innocent looking yellow mouse with enough
electricity in its body to cause a thunderstorm.
Charizard was also inside its Pokeball. Charizard was the
powerhouse of the team. He had the fire power to unleash devastating
attacks, and was probably the strongest of his species.
Articuno, Moltres, and Zapdos were also still with him. The tree
powerful birds. Ice, fire, and electric. Type advantage was
important, and with the three birds, he would always have a advantage
over any trainer. These were his reliable friends.]
This should really be condensed down as
tightly as possible. You’re spending most of your time repeating
information everyone knows and which isn’t really relevant, and it
really kills to momentum of your story to open with an interesting
“Red doesn’t know where he is” hook and then skid to a stop
to tell everyone that pikachu are yellow electric mice.
tightly as possible. You’re spending most of your time repeating
information everyone knows and which isn’t really relevant, and it
really kills to momentum of your story to open with an interesting
“Red doesn’t know where he is” hook and then skid to a stop
to tell everyone that pikachu are yellow electric mice.
[Red looked at the six’s Pokeball ]
Sixth.
Also, you’re flipping between Mew and
Mewtwo.
Mewtwo.
[The three birds entered the battle as
one ]
one ]
That’s a nice addition – it’s always
good to see things not sticking rigidly to exactly how battles play
out in the game.
good to see things not sticking rigidly to exactly how battles play
out in the game.
[Mewtwo had been intending to attack
Charizard with the attack ]
Charizard with the attack ]
You need a different word here.
“Defeat”, “knock out”, “crush”,
“disintegrate”, whatever.
“Defeat”, “knock out”, “crush”,
“disintegrate”, whatever.
[but before it could, Red had captured
it. He knew Mew had basically used every ounce of strength it had to
create the attack, and he intervened before it could kill his
Charizard.
it. He knew Mew had basically used every ounce of strength it had to
create the attack, and he intervened before it could kill his
Charizard.
It was a great idea at the time. Capture Mewtwo, and he would save
Charizard. The shadow ball would disappear, at least that was what he
had thought would happen. ]
This really needs to be set up
differently. If Red is capturing Mewtwo because he’s trying to save
his charizard, you should have him think that first, then throw the
pokeball. Having him act and then explaining why just turns it into a
jumble. The order of events is Mewtwo launches attack, Red realizes
the attack will kill his charizard, Red thinks that without a pokemon
holding it together shadow balls dissipate harmlessly, Red throws his
pokeball, Red successfully catches Mewtwo…so why are you recounting
it backward?
differently. If Red is capturing Mewtwo because he’s trying to save
his charizard, you should have him think that first, then throw the
pokeball. Having him act and then explaining why just turns it into a
jumble. The order of events is Mewtwo launches attack, Red realizes
the attack will kill his charizard, Red thinks that without a pokemon
holding it together shadow balls dissipate harmlessly, Red throws his
pokeball, Red successfully catches Mewtwo…so why are you recounting
it backward?
[The explosion was unique, and
different. ]
different. ]
Redundant. Just say it was different.
[it’s injuries ]
“Its” is possessive, as in
“its story”, and “it’s” means “it is”.
“its story”, and “it’s” means “it is”.
[That should have turned you to stones
]
]
To stone.
[“Do you know what City I am in?”
questioned Red.]
questioned Red.]
You’re really abusing dialogue tags.
Just use said. Also, don’t capitalize city either.
Just use said. Also, don’t capitalize city either.
[“No, I am here to deliver new
league rules to the gym leader. To make sure the gym leader is aware
of all new rules,” replied Red with a look of confidence.]
league rules to the gym leader. To make sure the gym leader is aware
of all new rules,” replied Red with a look of confidence.]
This is a bizarre thing to have work
and it also just makes Red look dickish for no reason. Why is he
cheating his way through a gym?
and it also just makes Red look dickish for no reason. Why is he
cheating his way through a gym?
[-
Mm-_
Red had been 11 when he
became Champion. He was champion for two years. He was 13 when he
retired. Traveled two years. Then five year disappearance. He should
be 20, but is 15. ]
Mm-_
Red had been 11 when he
became Champion. He was champion for two years. He was 13 when he
retired. Traveled two years. Then five year disappearance. He should
be 20, but is 15. ]
Why is this in the middle of your
story?
story?
Well, the opening’s a good setup but
I’m not really sure where you’re going from here – just Red fights a
series of people? Also, you seem to be having a lot of problems with
tense endings and plurals – you should really get a beta reader.
I’m not really sure where you’re going from here – just Red fights a
series of people? Also, you seem to be having a lot of problems with
tense endings and plurals – you should really get a beta reader.
(5)
[I cant ]
Can’t.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
(1)
Amazingly done.
I’m not quite sure if I’m supposed to
know what’s going on with her in the various regions, but it works
well by itself to give the sense of a world more complex and
expansive than the games (as does how the NPCs seem like actual
people and not limited to just their game roles – Bill most
obviously, and her Sinnoh rival as well). And you do a great job of
describing the regions and making them feel tangible, which makes the
idea of being traded about so much weirder and Gardevoir-Bill’s
refusal to believe it seem reasonable.
know what’s going on with her in the various regions, but it works
well by itself to give the sense of a world more complex and
expansive than the games (as does how the NPCs seem like actual
people and not limited to just their game roles – Bill most
obviously, and her Sinnoh rival as well). And you do a great job of
describing the regions and making them feel tangible, which makes the
idea of being traded about so much weirder and Gardevoir-Bill’s
refusal to believe it seem reasonable.
(0)
Well, I’ve accomplished little today
but it’s also very late, so let’s end on here on a positive note.
but it’s also very late, so let’s end on here on a positive note.
“Articuno, Moltres, and Zapdos were also still with him. The tree
powerful birds. Ice, fire, and electric. Type advantage was
important, and with the three birds, he would always have a advantage
over any trainer.”
…no, I’m pretty sure he still has a big, BIG problem with rock types, especially since Charizard is also double-weak to them and Pikachu is not going to do well against anything with earthquake. Going through the original games with the three birds on your team works great when you chose Bulbasaur or Squirtle. I guess it could also work if you’d caught and raised a strong water (and NOT water/ice) type along your journey. But this is just fucking stupid.
No he doesn’t because rock is weak to ice and also charizard learn solar beam!!!1 ::::D
Oh, to be a dumb kid again whose understanding of type advantages was solely on the axis of my attack ->their underleveled defense. My team would be balanced juuuuuuuust fine, I had a pokemon with an attack move for every type and of course I’d go first and they’d be knocked out before doing anything.