Lot of interesting stuff this time.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10963309/1/Nemesis
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
[Besides, it was going to be a dark day if I started digging through dumpsters for my meals. ]
[and I finished the fruit and shoved its core deep into the pile, hiding the evidence of my theft. ]
[With any luck, I could keep coming back over the next few days until they discovered me or ran out of food, whichever came first.
…
Satisfied, I wandered from aisle to aisle, looking for something to treat my sweet tooth with. ]
Your pikachu seems really, really bad at this whole business. Doesn’t know how to dumpster-dive, despite there being plenty of areas that chuck perfectly good food, supposedly hungry but doesn’t even eat the core and on top of that, thinks just putting it under other fruit is enough to hide it, then despite thinking about what a great location this is and how they can come back and keep eating, decides to wander around like an idiot and get caught instead.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[They all seemed to be content to stay within the forest, eat a diet of leaves and berries, and wait for some human to come traipsing along and capture them. Not me. We didn’t see eye-to-eye on more than that, and, after a few scrapes, I moved my home far away from the rest of them. Because they were wary of humans, the farthest I could get from them was just on the edge of the forest ]
I’m assuming this is not necessarily exactly true given the pikachu doesn’t like them and sounds dismissive, but [content to…wait for some human to come traipsing along and capture them] is in complete contradiction to [Because they were wary of humans]. It’d have been simpler to just go with them being afraid of humans while the narrator isn’t.
[“Oh, hello!” she said, turning to me with a swish of her pink tail, “I’m Mew.” ]
If you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
One of the better written ones I’ve seen but I found it just really eh, probably because the character was behaving so dumbly.
One.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10963341/1/Children-of-the-Gods
[The five of us were on a field trip to a museum or something. We wandered into the gift shop with our group and at the cash register was a hooded figure. Jamie began to shiver and next thing we knew, we all were.
To make things clear, seconds later, we were tackling the figure and trying to maul it to death because it gave off that evil aura- the kind from monsters in all those horror movies. And then the figure disappeared into thin air and we were expelled.]
Mauling people – even people who are freakish things – just because of an “aura” despite them not doing anything to harm you is less “noble defenders of the world” and more “xenophobic bigot”.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
[Instead, he calmly rubbed over the sore spot and said, “Stop playing so hard to get. You’ll fall for me eventually.” I mentally face-palmed. Can this guy not take a hint?
“As if. I’ll never fall for someone like you.” I didn’t need this guy! I was so out of here. Luckily, some girls surrounded him and I got the chance to escape from that stupid jerk. Who did he think he was? Did he really think he could get a girl he just met in bed with him?
Well, maybe an annoying bitch would, but not me.]
Oh god.
I mean, at least you’re having her react badly to the disgusting way he’s behaving, but it’s also listed as the eventual ship, she apparently punches with all the force of a gentle breeze so she’s completely helpless here, and then you jump right into having her focus her hatred of other girls. What exactly about “annoying bitches” makes them more likely to tolerate being harassed and sleep with the guy? How does that even make sense?
[but then he SLAPPED MY BUTT BEFORE WALKING AWAY. What. The. Freakin. HELL? I gritted my teeth before pounding my fist into a nearby gym locker to channel my anger. I sure wish that locker I dented was Gary’s face. ]
Why didn’t she? Why did you choose to make him be basically invulnerable and then for her to just give up rather than punching him again or trying to report him or whatever.
At any rate, this really doesn’t seem like it has anything to do with the canon cast given how horrible OOC everybody is. And as reading about sexual harassment is deeply unpleasant, and having it interspersed with Leaf hating everyone else female in the school for being a girl is making my skin crawl, so I’m just quitting here.
Two.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10963425/1/False-Love
Huh. No random semicolons, and proper dialogue! Very nice to see. Plus Gary’s being arrogant and jerky in a way that isn’t disturbing but is fun to read about instead.
The main thing is, this really seems like original fiction about a bunch of random students. It’s pretty cute, but no one really seems like their canon self, and there’s nothing else connecting it to the general pokemon universe either.
Twelve. For once, decent writing is rewarded.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10963483/1/Everyday
This seems a little disjointed – the idea that connecting to a pokemon might hurt makes sense, and the idea of someone using a pokemon’s psychic powers for this makes a ton of sense, but there’s little connection/development between the two. You’d probably have been better served to just focus on the idea of a fortune-teller using a psychic link to be way better at reading their marks and telling them what they wanted to hear.
Also yay, actual drabbles!
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10963483/2/Everyday
[ For the third time this month, she found herself stuck in traffic.
“There better not be another idiotic battle.”]
And then there was! This one seems more focused than the last, although I think it could’ve been improved by giving it more of a theme (like how mundane pokemon battles are to them – say, instead of just hoping it’s not another battle holding her up, she saw bolts of lighting coming out of the clear sky or the sun suddenly blazing or such so she knew, and emphasizing that what to us would be awe-inspiring is just “dammit late again!” to her.)
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10963483/3/Everyday
[The man nervously raised his arms. Suddenly, he reached for his pocket. He’s armed. Terri whistled; a flamethrower shot forward. The man screamed and a passport fell from his pocket.
“…He was trying to identify himself…”]
This one just seems sad, and the pokemon aspect is kind of irrelevant, since if she didn’t have a flame-shooting dog she’d have a gun to shoot him with instead.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10963483/4/Everyday
[One day, the children found a basket and note outside of the door.
Earn your next meals.
Inside: two dented pokéballs.]
Hmmmmmmmmmm. This one just seems like it should be longer. This could certainly help push them to a better life as trainers – but if the trainers themselves fight for money, than they might not be able to earn more than they lost as newbies and they’d just end up more desperate, and also they could just take the pokemon and start being better thieves.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10963611/1/Asphodel
[The other starly tackles chimchar ]
When you don’t have stuff like “a” or “the” in front of it, and you’re using it as an individual’s name, you capitalize it Chimchar. Otherwise this looks pretty solid.
And generally much better written than usual. Redoing the game opening is pretty meh, though, and [The bond between you two surpasses that of many trainers who have known their pokemon for a long time. ] is even more so, especially when you haven’t done much of anything to show it.
But the whole thing with her dad’s disappearance is great. I think you’d actually have been better served to cut the opening and just have her leaving ominous references to the fact she doesn’t dare call the police due to what her dad used to do, and developing exactly what that was more slowly. There’s enough of a bang in just her finding the wrecked, bloody house.
And as motivations for a sudden pokemon journey go, it’s among the best.
[Although we got off to an admittedly shaky start, Axel and I make short work of the trainers on the route north of Sandgem. ]
This stuff, though, is really gamey. If she’s able to beat people who’ve probably been trainers longer than her own five minutes, and do so easily and all at once, it’s really hard to believe she’s going to be facing any real challenges, and when eventually she does it’d just looks like cheating for drama’s sake since she’s obviously so good at this. Yes, game players steamroller over whatever poor fools happen to be in their path, but that’s because the games are pretty easy and it’s faster if you don’t have to head back and heal after every battle.
If you want to do a fanfic, you have to assume that other people have a certain basic level of competence, and if you want to show your trainer’s talented, she then has to do even better. At this point, it’d probably be wiser to just not have her facing other trainers yet, or have her win maybe one battle against someone who’s been out a while and has tired pokemon. She definitely needs to lose some casual fights, especially early on – that’s one of the problems people run into with strict nuzlockes, everything’s either a cakewalk or a bloodbath.
One.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10963729/1/Aquarius-Journey-2ba-master
Script format’s banned, which was a wise decision because it’s also pretty terrible. Write properly.
Asshole trainer is definitely an underexplored niche, but you really aren’t developing your character well, it’s just him being an entitled jerk on loop.
Zero.
Sad it’s written so badly.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10963751/1/Home-Alone-Rewritten
Huh. This is decently written, but it really seems like it’s original fiction.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10963812/1/Snow-Warning
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
[“You are…” Absol squinted. “You are a medicham.”
“INCORRECT!” The medicham shouted, waving her arms around and lifting a leg up. “My name is—” And the medicham unleashed a flurry of punches and kicks into the air, flailing wildly and shrieking, her eyes bugging out. Absol backed up, slightly disturbed.
Once the event finished, the medicham lowered herself to one knee, breathing heavily but satisfied. She looked up at Absol and smirked.
“…I will call you Medicham,” Absol said with finality. “My true name is saved for my mate. You will call me Absol.”]
Okay, I love the idea of pokemon having different ideas about names, BUT Absol only said she was “a medicham” originally, nothing about her actual name. If Absol’d said, “You are Medicham,” initially this would all make so much more sense. Or if she’d disagreed and said not that her *name* was, but that that she was *a* (flurry of punches and kicks), that’d have made sense too.
[An absol is not a true member of our tribe until he warns humans of a disaster. ]
This seems really specific. Why only humans rather than just having to give advance warning of a disaster to whoever lives there? It feels like there could be some solid myth logic to this one, and the medicham references the idea the absols depend on humans, which suggests it’s part of a mutualism setup, but this absol just appears to be a wild one so it’s not clear how that works.
One.
Going to end, super tired. Should be able to hack out a decent chunk tomorrow.