Eight pages worth today, with a bunch of fresh weirdness and a return of breasts where breasts should not be.
All sentences start with capital
letters.
letters.
Write out numbers with letters.
You have way too many run-on sentences.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.
(1)
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
(0)
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
“Its” is possessive, as in
“its story”, and “it’s” means “it is”.
“its story”, and “it’s” means “it is”.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.
And eh. You spent a lot of setup time
for your idea, then you just say it happened and call it a day rather
than do anything too entertaining with it.
for your idea, then you just say it happened and call it a day rather
than do anything too entertaining with it.
(2)
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Hm.
This takes ages to really get anywhere, and despite how much is just
your character chattering at the reader I’m really not left with much
of a grasp of who she is, maybe because of how the narration seems
like it’s anything at all that fills space – why does the ticket lady
hate her, especially while being otherwise friendly to the rest of
the people and when the narrator only talks about how she’s not doing
anything to cause a problem?
This takes ages to really get anywhere, and despite how much is just
your character chattering at the reader I’m really not left with much
of a grasp of who she is, maybe because of how the narration seems
like it’s anything at all that fills space – why does the ticket lady
hate her, especially while being otherwise friendly to the rest of
the people and when the narrator only talks about how she’s not doing
anything to cause a problem?
[Then,
underneath: ‘Welcome to Johto! Our fine nation is home to many
creatures, which we call Pokemon.’
underneath: ‘Welcome to Johto! Our fine nation is home to many
creatures, which we call Pokemon.’
I wondered who had never seen a Pokemon before, until I remembered
I fit that description myself until about a month ago.]
And
what sort of nutjob forgets they spent fifteen years of their life
never seeing a pokemon?
what sort of nutjob forgets they spent fifteen years of their life
never seeing a pokemon?
[My
heart raced for a split-second, before I remembered that in Johto,
people drive on the wrong side of the street. Or maybe we drive on
the wrong side in Kanto, and Saffron City’s infamous congestion could
be resolved just that easily. ]
heart raced for a split-second, before I remembered that in Johto,
people drive on the wrong side of the street. Or maybe we drive on
the wrong side in Kanto, and Saffron City’s infamous congestion could
be resolved just that easily. ]
It’s
really unclear what’s going on with her, for that matter. Her having
only seen a pokemon in the past month and the fact she apparently has
no real idea what the political connections between Kanto and Johto
are makes it sound like she’s a recent immigrant from somewhere else,
as does how you keep emphasizing that she’s an immigrant and might
get kicked out as a terrorist and so on despite Kanto and Johto being
connected by train and sharing a pokemon league and otherwise not
really being all that separate, and also despite the fact you say
they’re so close here that they do a dual citizenship thing. But at
the same time you have her identifying Saffron as home, and using
that as her frame of reference for everything, and her family seems
to be well-established, and she knows all about HMs despite never
seeing a pokemon.
really unclear what’s going on with her, for that matter. Her having
only seen a pokemon in the past month and the fact she apparently has
no real idea what the political connections between Kanto and Johto
are makes it sound like she’s a recent immigrant from somewhere else,
as does how you keep emphasizing that she’s an immigrant and might
get kicked out as a terrorist and so on despite Kanto and Johto being
connected by train and sharing a pokemon league and otherwise not
really being all that separate, and also despite the fact you say
they’re so close here that they do a dual citizenship thing. But at
the same time you have her identifying Saffron as home, and using
that as her frame of reference for everything, and her family seems
to be well-established, and she knows all about HMs despite never
seeing a pokemon.
The
mysterious monster bit is interesting, but it’s really undercut by
the fact the narration continues to ramble on about everything under
the sun, making the scene drag out for ages as well as making it
difficult to pick out the relevant bits in a sea of unnecessary
words.
mysterious monster bit is interesting, but it’s really undercut by
the fact the narration continues to ramble on about everything under
the sun, making the scene drag out for ages as well as making it
difficult to pick out the relevant bits in a sea of unnecessary
words.
(1)
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she
said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she
said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said.
The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a
speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She
grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,”
She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because
it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like
laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re
breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said.
“This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is
it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she
said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she
said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said.
The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a
speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She
grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,”
She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because
it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like
laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re
breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said.
“This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is
it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
A lot
of your sentences are rather awkward. I’d suggest finding someone to
beta read.
of your sentences are rather awkward. I’d suggest finding someone to
beta read.
(3)
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she
said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she
said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said.
The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a
speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She
grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,”
She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because
it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like
laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re
breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said.
“This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is
it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she
said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she
said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said.
The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a
speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She
grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,”
She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because
it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like
laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re
breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said.
“This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is
it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
When
used in place of a name, it’s written Mom, in any other constructions
like my/her/the mom it’s written as such.
used in place of a name, it’s written Mom, in any other constructions
like my/her/the mom it’s written as such.
(10)
Try
harder.
harder.
(0)
Semicolons
do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when
grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly,
judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable.
If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because
the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look
pretentious.
do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when
grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly,
judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable.
If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because
the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look
pretentious.
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she
said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she
said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said.
The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a
speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She
grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,”
She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because
it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like
laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re
breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said.
“This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is
it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she
said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she
said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said.
The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a
speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She
grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,”
She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because
it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like
laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re
breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said.
“This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is
it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
[“Thank
you, ma’am. I think I have everything that I need. How much do I owe
you?”
you, ma’am. I think I have everything that I need. How much do I owe
you?”
“Nothing! Oh honey, you don’t owe me a dime. You’ve been like
a daughter to me since you came to this town ]
A
daughter she apparently didn’t bother feeding.
daughter she apparently didn’t bother feeding.
I’m
certainly glad not to see another coddled seventeen year old, but I’m
not too convinced of the other extreme of making nine year olds work
for their living. The fact this is a society that has no problem
feeding an army of ten year olds for free makes it especially hard to
believe they wouldn’t have any way for younger strarving kids to get
meals.
certainly glad not to see another coddled seventeen year old, but I’m
not too convinced of the other extreme of making nine year olds work
for their living. The fact this is a society that has no problem
feeding an army of ten year olds for free makes it especially hard to
believe they wouldn’t have any way for younger strarving kids to get
meals.
Also
[Her
already small breasts had all but disappeared from her chest ]
already small breasts had all but disappeared from her chest ]
Nine
and ten year olds should just not have breasts yet. It’s true in
modern times we’re seeing earlier puberty but that’s tied to diet,
specifically eating hormone-laced meat and dairy and just being
overweight in general, neither of which should apply to her – you
even say she was always thin even before she started going hungry.
And actually being skin and bones should have just stopped puberty
entirely, so she would have to have already been developing breasts
at age eight in order to have anything to lose.
and ten year olds should just not have breasts yet. It’s true in
modern times we’re seeing earlier puberty but that’s tied to diet,
specifically eating hormone-laced meat and dairy and just being
overweight in general, neither of which should apply to her – you
even say she was always thin even before she started going hungry.
And actually being skin and bones should have just stopped puberty
entirely, so she would have to have already been developing breasts
at age eight in order to have anything to lose.
It’s
particularly jarring when you mention this while listing off actual
signs of starvation that matter, while losing the breasts she
shouldn’t have been growing because she’s a little girl is actually a
good thing.
particularly jarring when you mention this while listing off actual
signs of starvation that matter, while losing the breasts she
shouldn’t have been growing because she’s a little girl is actually a
good thing.
Why always breasts, pokemon
category? Why? I hope this year this isn’t followed by an insane rant
or three about how necessary it is she have them.
category? Why? I hope this year this isn’t followed by an insane rant
or three about how necessary it is she have them.
(0)
There
are seven thousand stories just on this site in this category with
“pokemon” in their title. “New” features in
another thousand. There are over four hundred “chronicles”,
more if you include misspellings, even more with “begins”
and “beginning”, and even more “Character Name”‘s
whatever. There are almost eight hundred with “legend”.
There are fourteen hundred with “journey”, twelve hundred
with “story”, almost three hundred with “quest”,
and two thousand with “adventure”. The different region
names appear another thousand or two times. “Saga”,
“region” and “champion” come in around two
hundred. In sum, you should try to choose an original title that has
to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates
it’s yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
are seven thousand stories just on this site in this category with
“pokemon” in their title. “New” features in
another thousand. There are over four hundred “chronicles”,
more if you include misspellings, even more with “begins”
and “beginning”, and even more “Character Name”‘s
whatever. There are almost eight hundred with “legend”.
There are fourteen hundred with “journey”, twelve hundred
with “story”, almost three hundred with “quest”,
and two thousand with “adventure”. The different region
names appear another thousand or two times. “Saga”,
“region” and “champion” come in around two
hundred. In sum, you should try to choose an original title that has
to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates
it’s yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Because
Jason was a skilled and prestigious Pokémon Trainer he felt it was
time to leave the Hoenn Region. A long time ago Jason’s father told
him he should never linger in one place for too long, and so he never
did and never shall. He has been looking for a new adventure ever
since becoming the Champion of Hoenn. Now Jason is on his way to
Kanto where he was invited to take part in the World Wide SS Anne II
Voyage. Professor Oak, the famous Pokémon Professor in Pallet Town
was invited but he gave the ticket to Jason due to the fact that the
professor was getting old and he wanted Jason to go in his place. All
the Professor asked of him was to report and record his findings for
his studies. Although Jason was honoured he was also quite worried
about leaving Hoenn and all of his friends. Jason had become the
Champion when he was 16 and had remained the champion for two years
before getting the ticket from the Professor. Now he was flying his
way to Vermilion City on his Flygon. But first he had to visit the
Professor and thank him for every thing and say good by to his friend
Tracey. ]
Jason was a skilled and prestigious Pokémon Trainer he felt it was
time to leave the Hoenn Region. A long time ago Jason’s father told
him he should never linger in one place for too long, and so he never
did and never shall. He has been looking for a new adventure ever
since becoming the Champion of Hoenn. Now Jason is on his way to
Kanto where he was invited to take part in the World Wide SS Anne II
Voyage. Professor Oak, the famous Pokémon Professor in Pallet Town
was invited but he gave the ticket to Jason due to the fact that the
professor was getting old and he wanted Jason to go in his place. All
the Professor asked of him was to report and record his findings for
his studies. Although Jason was honoured he was also quite worried
about leaving Hoenn and all of his friends. Jason had become the
Champion when he was 16 and had remained the champion for two years
before getting the ticket from the Professor. Now he was flying his
way to Vermilion City on his Flygon. But first he had to visit the
Professor and thank him for every thing and say good by to his friend
Tracey. ]
That
sure is a lot of words worth of frantic namedropping.
sure is a lot of words worth of frantic namedropping.
Don’t
tell people your character is super awesome and by the way he knows
all these cool people so he must be cool too right. Write an actual
story showing your character be skilled instead.
tell people your character is super awesome and by the way he knows
all these cool people so he must be cool too right. Write an actual
story showing your character be skilled instead.
Note
that having him wander around doing unimportant stuff and having
people fawn over him isn’t an adequate substitute for an actual story
showcasing actual skills. Everything but the final line of this is
just sue filler, and the final line’s probably just a fakeout and
will turn out to be filler as well.
that having him wander around doing unimportant stuff and having
people fawn over him isn’t an adequate substitute for an actual story
showcasing actual skills. Everything but the final line of this is
just sue filler, and the final line’s probably just a fakeout and
will turn out to be filler as well.
And
indeed it was a fakeout.
indeed it was a fakeout.
(0)
And that finishes January 9th.
Why on earth is
this posted as pokemon fanfic?
this posted as pokemon fanfic?
(0)
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she
said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she
said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said.
The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a
speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She
grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,”
She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because
it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like
laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re
breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said.
“This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is
it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she
said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she
said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said.
The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a
speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She
grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,”
She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because
it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like
laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re
breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said.
“This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is
it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
Paragraphing
has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is
not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker
means you start a new paragraph.
has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is
not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker
means you start a new paragraph.
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Don’t
label scene changes, it should be clear from context.
label scene changes, it should be clear from context.
(1)
The
start of a sentence always has capital letters, not just when you
feel like it.
start of a sentence always has capital letters, not just when you
feel like it.
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she
said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she
said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said.
The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a
speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She
grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,”
She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because
it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like
laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re
breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said.
“This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is
it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she
said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she
said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said.
The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a
speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She
grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,”
She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because
it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like
laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re
breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said.
“This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is
it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write
out numbers with letters.
out numbers with letters.
[“How did he treat his Pokémon
back when his location was known?”
back when his location was known?”
The Ace Trainer shrugged. “All I know is that it was better
then the Champion before him! That Champion just put his Pokémon
through brutal training. Supposedly, this one treated his Pokémon
with love.”]
I’m not sure if you realize this but
this doesn’t make Red look all that great (being nice to your pokemon
but not bothering to do anything about any other ones, even ones
treated so badly it’s still common knowledge almost a decade later,
makes you pretty callous at best). And for the same reason, it really
suggests N has better things to do than go hang out with Red and see
if he’s really as great as everyone says, since that former champion
presumably still has their pokemon. And if a champion was getting
away with that, how many other bad trainers might there be? Certainly
the ace trainer doesn’t seem to care much about pokemon treatment.
this doesn’t make Red look all that great (being nice to your pokemon
but not bothering to do anything about any other ones, even ones
treated so badly it’s still common knowledge almost a decade later,
makes you pretty callous at best). And for the same reason, it really
suggests N has better things to do than go hang out with Red and see
if he’s really as great as everyone says, since that former champion
presumably still has their pokemon. And if a champion was getting
away with that, how many other bad trainers might there be? Certainly
the ace trainer doesn’t seem to care much about pokemon treatment.
So if you want the story to be more
about N going to check out Red, as [N looked away with a huff. “I’LL
be the judge of that.” ] sure seems like, it’d be a much better
idea to not start off with how Red is exceptional, with the previous
champion being terrible and the idea people might be nice to their
pokemon being so hard to swallow that it warrants a “supposedly”
here from one of Red’s own fans.
about N going to check out Red, as [N looked away with a huff. “I’LL
be the judge of that.” ] sure seems like, it’d be a much better
idea to not start off with how Red is exceptional, with the previous
champion being terrible and the idea people might be nice to their
pokemon being so hard to swallow that it warrants a “supposedly”
here from one of Red’s own fans.
The other trainer could say that of
course Red treated his pokemon with love and how his power proves
that only love lets you become super great, to which N might be
unconvinced. Or say that well supposedly Red was really nice to his
pokemon but he’s always thought Red must have had a pretty brutal
training regime to actually win, in which case N now has an actual
reason to think it’s a better use of time to check out Red rather
than all the other trainers around. Anything but saying there was
totally a hardass possibly abusive trainer but who cares, it doesn’t
matter because Red isn’t that person.
course Red treated his pokemon with love and how his power proves
that only love lets you become super great, to which N might be
unconvinced. Or say that well supposedly Red was really nice to his
pokemon but he’s always thought Red must have had a pretty brutal
training regime to actually win, in which case N now has an actual
reason to think it’s a better use of time to check out Red rather
than all the other trainers around. Anything but saying there was
totally a hardass possibly abusive trainer but who cares, it doesn’t
matter because Red isn’t that person.
Also,
is there any particular reason for N to be a girl suddenly? Because
it really doesn’t seem to be mattering here.
is there any particular reason for N to be a girl suddenly? Because
it really doesn’t seem to be mattering here.
The answer is almost certainly
because gay is icky, but hey, it’s possible it’s not.
because gay is icky, but hey, it’s possible it’s not.
(1)
Posting individual
chapters is against the rules.
chapters is against the rules.
(0)
It’s kind of not cool for you to be mean to people and then gloat about it.
I seriously think that if you time for this you need to sort out your priorities in life, or get one first and actually do something good with it
While I’m pretty sure you don’t give a fuck about the anon posing as two who wrote the other comments on this post so far, allow me to instead thank you for doing this. The concrit you gave me the last time you did this really helped me.
Excuse me Wriggle but I am not posing as two people. I commented 2 hours after the other person. Some people may want this sort of criticism yes, but others do it for fun and when people nitpick their work they do to vent or just because they feel like writing it could hurt them and make them not want to write anymore. That isn’t helping them.
Two hours later? Oh yeah, that totally proves it. Anyway, I’m sorry if Farla hurt your feelings (I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t admit that concrit can sting), but you can always block her if you don’t want any further reviews from her.
I personally think that Farla can be a little too harsh at times, but she’s doing these reviews to help people. Tough love is still love.
Let’s be openminded. It’s just as possible they’re a friend arriving as backup!
Fair enough, haha.
To be perfectly honest, if you’re so self-conscious about your story that being told you made a grammatical error is enough to give you a panic attack and make you give up writing…then, well, maybe it’s for the best. Writing isn’t for everyone. It can certainly be stressful and difficult, especially if you publicize it.
But the thing is, if you’re posting your story on a public site, you do leave implicit permission for critique. If you just write for fun and don’t want nitpickers, then just don’t expose your story to the world. People can write for themselves, share with their friends, or, if they’re really serious about it and want to improve, share it with the world. Any of those choices are perfectly valid, but you need to know what you really want before you take that bold step.
And, as always, it is your choice whether or not you accept Farla’s critique or dismiss it. If you really think her reviews are pointless and mean, then…just ignore them. She doesn’t harass, dogpile, or sockpuppet. If you want her out of your life, block her and she’ll never bother you again.
Holy shit, did you see the profile of the person who wrote the not!Pokemon “its magic” fic? Christ on a bike.
You know I started reading and it was just harmless bullshit and then I kept reading and it got so horrible. I don’t know why FFN doesn’t just force profile limits on people. They know it’s such a huge problem they had to create an option to hide the profile just so we could get to the story section.