N!!!!!!!!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11729554/1/Cold-Revenge

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

This really doesn’t seem to have anything to do with pokemon, it’s a generic horror story.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11729615/1/Dreaming-of-Adventure

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

It’s quite nice to see one of these where the trainer actually lets the pokemon go and doesn’t even try guilting it into staying.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11729665/1/In-The-Mind-Of-A-12-Year-Old

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

You really don’t need to label flashbacks like that.

Given him being somehow in the pokemon world appears to be the main plot, you really should get further into that in your first chapter.

Two, crit.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11729677/1/I-Dream-of-Stars

[It was just a usual fight, father hated her. Father says mean things that make mother cry. ]

Any time you’re using something as a name, it’s capitalized.

“coo’s ”

Coos. If it’s not a contraction or possessive, no apostrophe.

[Everyday he would have new purple bruises growing on his skin and he found it fun to poke them. Some were extra dark and others were yellowish and looked sick or infected. One time his mother had hit him and her ring caught his brow, it left him with a painful cut that bled and partially blinded his sight until he cleaned it. It later turned into a scar but, for some ungodly reason, he loved it all the same.
The older he became, the more he realized he wouldn’t be able to hide these, these secret little love bruises.]

You have a weird jump in your plot – he’s become happy about the abuse to the point he doesn’t feel comfortable when he hears that this kind of thing is wrong, then as soon as a teacher notices he explains everything knowing it’ll get him taken from his mother.

Without this it’d make perfect sense he’d want out but you spend so much time on how freakishly pleased he is by what she’s doing to him first, then go nowhere with that.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[stuffed Zoura ]

It’s spelled zorua.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11729954/1/Souls-Of-the-Damned

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11730091/1/The-Hour

N!!!!!!!!

[“Hello, Sir.”]

Don’t think this needs to be capitalized – you don’t the second time, anyway.

[Noctowl stood perfectly still for several moments. Then she gave a great cry, spreading out her wings to their full span. The light struck off her feathers, so that she seemed to glow.
The elders teach that noctowl are pokemon blessed by Lord Ho-Oh.]

I like this bit – it wouldn’t have occurred to me due to the day/night thing, but once you say it it makes sense, how similar they are in form and shiny noctowl are even golden.

And I also like how utterly unprepared the guards are for this. You had one job! It seems they weren’t aware of how fast it’d happen, or maybe it was something that was forgotten over time, or maybe it’s just that when the world is maybe about to end you don’t think that it’s futile to go run off and get someone else.

And the bells ring, which makes me wonder if this connects up to Let It Ring, in which case ouch, I thought N had found at least some decent humans and maybe change could happen and there could be a better solution found than purging the world by fire. But

[His voice rose to a shout. “Let your judgment fall upon us like the breaking of a storm, like the crashing of the tide that heralds the coming of a new and better world!”
He turned his head to the East, where a golden light was growing. “Lord Ho-Oh, let your judgment come!”]

is so glorious it’s worth it.

Four, though I can only see three because FFN’s gotten weird again but whatever, finally a bunch of reviews on a story that deserves them!