Slight weirdness with reviews today, also more of people who aren’t actually doing anything that great being praised as nicest ever to pokemon. Oh, also a mom trying to get her thirteen year old to hook up with a sixteen year old.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11730186/1/The-Trip-Chronicles-Chapter-Two-Sins-of-the-Father
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[How did he know what was bothering her? She knew that he was intelligent and perceptive, but all too often he came across as cold and uncaring. ]
If she knows he’s perceptive but thinks he doesn’t care, she shouldn’t be surprised he’s aware of what’s bothering her because that’s an issue of perception. She’d be surprised he was apologizing because that’s a matter of caring.
[ in the albino and hobbling Eurus and Iris’ older best friend, the beautiful Arke. ]
[Cilan confessed about the identity of the Gym’s attacked ]
[Are you insane? He’s mine! Who would you want to steal somebodies Pokémon?” ]
This is word salad and also, it’s “somebody’s”. Plurals and possessives are different. You need to proofread better and probably get a beta reader.
Four reviews, one by the author.‘
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11730332/1/A-Human-In-The-Pokemon-World
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Waffy took another loo at her]
Proofreading is important.
Eight. Odd start we’re off to.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11730414/1/Huddle
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“Lyra,” he began, swallowing, after a long moment of silence passed on. The rain only seemed to be getting harder.
“Hm?” She turned to him, blinking.
How should he put this… “Your clothes – they’re too wet.” Both arms now rested on the back of his head, unsure of how to continue.
“I know.”
“Well, see, they, uh… need to dry.”]
This would be a valid point in a world where she wasn’t sitting next to the flames shooting out of her huge fire type. As she is, she should have no problem baking dry even with her clothing on. You were on the right track with an excuse for why Silver doesn’t have a fire type of his own but you need to take hers out of commission as well so they’re stuck with an ordinary fire or something. It’d also make her later digression about what if they die not sound like random nonsense.
[ “Hey, Silver,” she peeped out ]
Said. Use said.
Blocked!
One, so, back to something more standard.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11730618/1/Obscure
Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never. Definitely not five times in four hundred words.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11730800/1/Two-Unlikely-Souls
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.
[The Growlithe looked up and let out a small yip, as if to get her head out of the clouds. She smiled down at the Growlithe, and pats its head softly,
“It’s nothing, Growlithe. Just past stuff. Nothing to be concerned at me over. Now, you need to go to sleep.”
Such compassion to one smaller then herself. She’s obviously different…but why did she hesitate? What happened? The Pokémon wondered.]
Okay so what actually happened is the growlithe was showing concern and compassion and she replied she was fine and not to worry. If that’s considered amazing compassion, your narrator has amazingly low standards and every other human character in your story is a psychopathic monster.
Look, your setup of her reading to her pokemon? Cute. But that’s all it is. It shows she’s not actively a bad person. Praising her for doing bare minimum stuff does no one any favors.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[“I don’t see anyone, Growlithe,” the girl remarked, shrugging her shoulders. “I can have Pidgey look around for footsteps in the morning when the lighting is better.”
She closed the window, and seemed to walk away.
The small Pokémon sighed. Now he had a lot of questions about the girl. Why did this girl hide her past? Why was she so compassionate?]
And now you appear to be calling it compassionate to pay attention to a pokemon warning you there’s something outside. Is “compassionate” supposed to mean “reacting at all to what a pokemon does”? That’s an even lower standard than I thought.
If she thought her pokemon was afraid and reassured it, that would have been kind of her. But this is like assuming someone’s the kindest dog owner ever for looking out the window when the dog barks at something.
Three, crit. Also, apparently this one already had a beta reader go over it. Always depressing to be reminded how little good that does.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11730858/1/Belinda-s-Adventoores-in-Pookeymon-land
lrn2troll
One, by someone who’s actually uncertain if this is trolling. Really? Really?
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11731379/1/A-Place-to-Return-to
[(Music: Sans’ Secret Room – Undertale)]
If music is vital to your fic, posting it to FFN where you can’t link is a bad idea. If it isn’t, making a big point of music is just distracting and so it shouldn’t be there in the first place.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[“But why did you want to come here, Mewtwo?” Shiny Mew asked me. Well, I guess I should speak up.
“Let me introduce myself again. My name is Mewtwo. I am a clone of Mew, but not directly. As most of you know, this place is called New Island. New Island was where development for my birth began. However, I had a rough start. The scientists before me simply saw me as an experiment. Not as a living being. For some reason, my mind seems to be fuzzy when it comes to remembering what I saw. I want to find more. I want to know what had happened.” ]
You are really bad at exposition. If you insist you need this stuff recapped for readers (and you really, really don’t), have Mewtwo just think it, don’t have him recount his life story to the people who obviously know who he is while saying repeatedly that they already know this and it makes no sense to be telling him.
Also, Mewtwo knows exactly where the lab is because he went back there to rebuild his better-than-you cloning lab. If the issue is he specifically wants his memories of before with the other clones, then wishing for those records would make a lot more sense. Also making a lot more sense would be for the records to just appear as opposed to something shiny which is a pink stone which means a stone wall somewhere else is clearly where he should poke around which is a random room with a random computer somehow undamaged by that time he destroyed the entire place and also still connected to a power grid despite the fact he destroyed the entire place.
[the worlds strongest Pokemon. ]
World’s. Apostrophe for possessive.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
One, weird troll flame.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11731447/1/May-s-fever
Capitalize your title properly.
Sentences always end in punctuation, not sometimes.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
One, vague crit.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11731486/1/Pokemon-Willow-s-Dark-Plan
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“You’re gonna take my Pokemon away?” I stood up. “They didn’t do anything wrong. But, if you insist on taking my property, go ahead. However, you will not lay one finger on my Pikachu.” ]
It’s hilarious how Ash refers to them as his property in the same breath as he claims to care about them.
[its fine ]
“It’s” means “it is”. “Its” is the possessive form.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
One, author self-reviews with flame. What is with today?
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11731502/1/Trials-of-a-Trainer-Sinnoh
Your title should really be something more specific to your story than that it’s a trainerfic.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[“Abby,” she answered shortly.
“Alright, now we’re getting somewhere. Where’s your Pokémon?” Paul brushed his hands free from finding out that information.
“…” Abby refused to speak.
“Come on.”
“Abandoned me on the way here.”]
Ooh, that’s different. It’s a shame it took forever to get there, though – your chapter’s not pure filler like a lot of the first chapters I’ve been seeing, but you spend longer than you need to establishing the basic setup with Paul.
Debated if it actually should get added to the community or not, since it’s got a bunch of elements I like but it’s not nearly long enough for me to be confident those elements are going to matter.
And yes, naturally the one I think is best so far is our second zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11731556/1/The-Modern-Tragedy
Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.
Write out numbers with letters.
[ The “regions” (as they liked to call the most popular college groups of friends) ]
[In other news, he also got messages from two champions. The champions were, in essence, sort of like the group’s mascot and the most popular or likeable one. ]
Every attempt you make to work in pokemon stuff to your AU is more cringeworthy than the last. Just stop.
One, crit.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11731589/1/Determination-and-Drive
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Also, you’re writing in English, refusing to translate a couple of the words is just annoying.
Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.
The idea of this is quite cute and I like what it says about him that he’s not just willing to go through this much trouble for Serena but seems so generally pumped about competing regardless. It drags a bit, though – you spend a lot of time recapping or repeating information with only slight changes.
Four.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11731724/1/Why
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
“It’s” means “it is”. “Its” is the possessive form.
[“Er… fine, thank you,” she responded. A silence filled the room for a split second before she hastily added, “and you?” Heatran grinned once more, and told her,
“I couldn’t feel any better today,]
Also with dialogue, try keeping a speaker and their actions in the same paragraph, rather than suddenly hitting enter right when the words start.
[Heatran gave her a handkerchief that was laying on the coffee table nearby, and she nodded with gratitude. ]
Also, you’re writing them as if they’re a bunch of humans who just happen to share their names with legendary pokemon.
One, crit.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11731810/1/Darach-and-Caitlin-Love-Overseas
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[“Oh, Caitlin, don’t be so worried! His name is Darach and he’s an apprentice of one of the finest butlers in Sinnoh! And besides, he’s only sixteen. You like older boys don’t you, Caitlin?” her mother hinted.
Caitlin rolled her eyes. Despite the fact that she was thirteen, they still insisted on finding someone for her to marry when she was older. Although after she thought for a moment, the idea really didn’t sound all that bad. A whole trip with another person her age didn’t sound that bad, actually.]
So actually this just sounds super creepy. He’s three years older than her and her parents are sending her off with him to a completely different region to spend months all by themselves with her mom at least fully intending them to hook up? And then you compound it by saying she’s apparently so naive and inexperienced that she actually thinks a sixteen year old boy counts as “her age”, which just proves the point about how very not mature enough for any of this she is.
For god’s sake, it’s fanfic, it shouldn’t be this hard to make an objectively awful concept seem okay.
One, crit, but not of the coming hot thirteen year old on sixteen year old her parents bought for her action.
And besides, he’s only sixteen. You like older boys don’t you, Caitlin?
Oh, god. How can anyone write that and not think that it sounds really dodgy?
By being a thirteen year old so desperate to get laid you’d put up with absolutely anything?
There was one story i actually kinda liked, it might have been from last years review month. It was a love story between Wally and Steven Stone. Clumsy, silly, and didn’t take itself seriously enough, but at least it started with Wally(10) just really super admiring him, and Steven(17ish?) not knowing what to make of a prepubescent boy having a massive crush on him, but still thinking it was kinda cute. It managed to make them have a real connection without stepping over any lines that would make it horrifying.
There was a second chapter with them aged up a few years so with puberty, it was very clear what Wally(13) wanted from it and then it got really wrong really fast.
I get the feeling the 13/16yo thing couldn’t be as bad if it were a 13yo writing it or say, just upping their ages to look cool. A naive 13 year old girl could get raped by a 13 year old boy just as easily as a 16 year old boy. If anything its a blaring argument to do journey stories (at least the ones with mixed sex or really even traveling in groups at all, if its a dark enough story to even consider the people as a threat) before puberty/age of romantic entanglement.
That said, by the time I read it, she’d switched the age to 14. And I’d like to note the mood of this is extremely light. The marriage thing is creepy, but she clearly has a good relationship with her parents. Reads like a ya romance story, the ones where if anyone must be unkind for any amount of time it is immediately explained, or a romance manga, where it doesn’t need to be explained because the setting itself is as innocent as her. I think its cute, for now.
A naive 13 year old girl could get raped by a 13 year old boy just as easily as a 16 year old boy.
What makes age differences a problem is that the older party is going to have a leg up on manipulating the younger party into doing what they want – and that’s why, in fanfic, it’s usually not too hard to make age differences irrelevant by just writing them at equivalent maturity levels and ignoring any other factors that might coerce them.
But what we have here is:
A character who is significantly less worldly than the other one.
That character’s mom actively pushing them into a serious sexual relationship.
That character being told that the other person is their type and they must want to have sex with them.
This all adds up to someone who’ll have a lot of trouble saying no even if they’re uncomfortable (if you aren’t sure why, being able to use “not my type” or something as a placeholder reason really helps), a lot of trouble telling someone if this goes badly because they were told this is what they want, and a good chance that even if they work up the courage, their parents won’t take it seriously because come on, he’s your type, of course you wanted it, now marry him and have grandkids.
And then we add in the possibility that her parents told the other kid that he’d damn well better put out for their daughter, because that’s sure what it sounds like when they tell their daughter they picked this one because they wanted her to bang him, and we’ve managed to create a situation where both of the kids can end up getting raped – she’ll say yes when she means no because she was told she should want this, and he’ll do it because he was told he had to.
Basically nothing good comes of situations where parents think it’s appropriate to hire teen prostitutes for their children.
Reducing the age difference one year helps a bit, but the basic setup remains completely fucked up.
You’re right, I didn’t consider the pressure to fit in aspect as much. Even if she gets along well with her parents the drive to please and peer pressure is so much stronger in teenagers. I figured the ‘He’s your type!’ remark was the sort of thing a less friendly teenager girl would roll her eyes or gag at, or laugh it off. But she did seem to take it seriously
I wasn’t thinking she’d be able to say no if it arose, but more that whether or not they’re into eachother, its not like the parents expect grandbabies by the time shes 15, they have the rest of all time to feel ready for anything. Though I’m not sure this kind of laid back attitude applies to teenagers and sex.
Ahrg why are there so many horrible things in genre romance stories ><
With ship stuff, people often start from the knowledge that these characters will be happy hooking up. This can result in all sorts of skeevy setups being glossed over. Things that put extra pressure to get them together are extra good because it means they’ll end up happy together faster. And because it’s so self-evidently good, other characters often exist just to shove the two of them together even when it’s often some sort of abuse of power on their part.
All of it would be fixed if the mom just wasn’t in on it:
Mom: And I made sure your guide is an older boy so he’ll know about important trainer stuff and be responsible, which is a completely reasonable thing for an adult to want.
Girl’s thoughts, completely unprompted by any parental creepiness: Awesome, older boys are hot and I plan to have so much underage sex with him despite having never even seen him.
Then they get together and they’re so happy because it’s a ship and that’s how it works.