In which someone accidentally marries their sibling by virtue of contrivance and stupidity.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12319209/1/Trichotomy
[This creature wasn’t visible to them without the camera, and they later figured out that something in the technology of their phones allowed them to view this creature.
These four teenagers decided to travel and try and catch more of these creatures on tape, one taking the lead and the others following. Eventually, the destruction they viewed became too much for them to ignore so that hatched a plan. The leader, Kyo Willow, decided to study engineering and physics to develop a device in which his friends would be able to capture these creatures and send them to him for studying. The device he ended up creating was a spherical object that could fit inside his friends’ pockets and expand when in use. These devices would then be thrown at the creature and use a particle laser to entrap the creatures inside. He spent most of his time developing these devices, creating spheres with stronger lasers to entrap stronger creatures, as well as other useful technology to help his friends.]
Unless they’re starting with special phones invented by their friend, other people should be finding out they can see invisible monsters through their phones too, pretty much simultaneously. Even if they do manage to be the very first, if they tell other people others will do the same, and if they don’t, there’s no way no one else tries using their phone to record something bizarre happening in front of them.
If the phones are special and the only ones that can record this…then unless they’re made of unobtanium, the first thing to do would be to make more. It makes no sense to say that the world seems to be ending, there are invisible monsters only you can see causing it…and the response is to wander around recording it privately and only “eventually” deciding that just maybe watching people burning alive as they’re attacked by things they can’t see isn’t doing enough to help, at which point they still don’t actually tell anyone or care at all about giving other people a way of seeing and avoiding the monsters.
And one person is not going to singlehandedly invent everything by himself.
If he figured out something was up and made a way to use the cameras to see them, then went on from there to work with the government to make ways of capturing them, there’d be a link between this. Right now, what you’re saying is that four kids are somehow the only ones who use smartphone cameras, none of them tell anyone, and somehow one of them is a genius inventor in a way unrelated to the part where only they can see them.
[Cadela ]
Why is her name misspelled throughout this?
[Cadela and Blanche would get into intense debates about whether it was better to have strong pokemon or pokemon that had reached its final evolution.]
Why. Evolved pokemon are stronger. There’s no inherent disagreement between these positions.
[More people began to get involved in the feud, taking sides and forming up alliances with either Cadela, Blanche, or Spark.]
No, they didn’t, because the team mechanic is based on fighting over a limited resource, the gyms. You can’t just describe the game’s factions and say that trivial differences of opinion automatically result in mass warfare. People factionize when they actually have something to fight over.
[One day a group of researchers stumbled across a cave with a foreign language and hieroglyphic drawings on its walls which seemed to depict the war going on between the three teams and how one person would rise up and be able to end the war and bring harmony to both pokemon and humans. ]
And again no, because you said this all happened due to a magic meteor, so the idea that also there’s special destiny bullshit drawn long before that using some separate magic doesn’t fit. If your character is supposed to usher in Team Harmony, she can do it by having a goal and succeeding at in instead of the pathetic cop-out of some cave scribbles saying she does.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12319349/1/Pain-and-Power
[His memories all were swirling as his PTSD from the experiments done to him and his pain. All blaring in his mind. Giovanni was on his knees as he clutched his chest.
“It… Hurts… Damn… It hurts! MIYAMOTO!”]
This is far too ridiculous to even try to take seriously.
Two.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12319453/1/The-Aventures-of-a-Completely-Average-Pok%C3%A9mon-Trainer
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[(Name) sighed.]
NO. Either give your character a fucking name or put forth the slight amount of effort it takes to write around it instead of this lazy shit.
One. Also I will burn the category to the ground before I let readerfic take over.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12319670/1/The-Shadow-of-the-Moon
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, thousands upon thousands of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
You don’t need to repeat the opening of the game. If people want to see it again, they can find a video. If there is anything actually interesting about your story, it should be started there, not thousands of wasted words earlier.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12319728/1/One-last-second
Capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
It’s “no one”.
“Okay”, four letters.
This is incoherent. If you meant to be going somewhere with it, you need to do more to make whatever that is clear.
One.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12320093/1/The-Legend-of-the-Muraille-Coast
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“My mother isn’t my blood related one. I got the wound when my brother and I were working on our berry farm, and a Beedrill attacked us and stabbed me. My brother ran away from it, and I was founded by her while she was on her way back to her home in Lumiose City.]
So we’re to assume that X never bothers to walk back to their shared home. He didn’t want to make sure she was really dead, or bury her body, or get anything – a bee chased him and that meant he could never go back.
At this point, they both forgot what either of them looked like, because they were total idiots. Also, somehow he’s never seen his wife naked before despite having a child together, and also somehow neither of them ever discussed anything about themselves before this.
[Reason why X didn’t notice the wound until now was because Y covered it in an illusion that wears off after a period of time. ]
If there’s a plot hole in the story, you can’t make something up afterward and say that if it was in the story, it’d solve it. Not that it would anyway! She has no motivation given to hide it, and if she did, no reason not to keep it up, and her husband should be able to tell the difference between not noticing a scar and there being a scar where there used to be none, and it still does nothing about the part they can’t recognize the rest of each other the part where they apparently never spoke about their lives before.
The only way your story makes sense is if Y deliberately faked her death and changed her appearance to trick her brother into marrying her, but at that point she wouldn’t tell the truth about what happened.
One, pointing out this story is bullshit.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12320165/1/The-Expedition-Kanto
Banned! I keep checking hopefully, but this is the first time I’ve been rewarded.
Anyway it’s all introducing characters well before any action takes place because obviously the best way to get people interested in OCs is for them to be standing in the way of the plot.
Two.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12320255/1/Origin-Strain
[she could hear footsteps getting increasing louder.]
Increasingly. You have a number of similar errors throughout this.
Why would an “incubator” have what’s inside kept at freezing temperatures? It sounds like it’s a tube storing a developed creature, not something providing the right environment for the creature to go.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“You got some spunk getting Marill to break my nose!” Edward retaliated as he was let go and fell back to his feet, feeling the dislocated bone at the bridge of his nose. ]
Yeah, that does seem like a ridiculous overreaction to the fact he was flailing around impotently. A broken nose is a permanent injury, and if he’s able to tell for sure this easily, it’s been smashed badly enough he’s going to have difficulty breathing.
[Aunt Gally would find out no matter what he’d been in a fight, she was trained for it now, but the least he could do was clean his face a little first.]
Seriously, this is not a subtle injury, she’s not going to need any practice figuring it out.
Write out numbers with letters.
[So he stood, turned around, and began walking back up the slope to the road. He was already in enough trouble without bringing a naked girl home with him.]
It’s not really like his only options are to leave her or bring her home. Bringing her to someone else or going to get someone else is a good way of dealing with it by foisting it off on somebody else. If you’re going to go with a very tropey plotline like this, you need to put a lot of thought into how the character reacts rather than just coasting along with him not wanting to engage and then her following him regardless.
Two, one saying there’s some grammar issues without any detail.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12320434/1/Through-The-Sky-The-Time-And-The-Darkness
If you’re going to try to write out the game from the start, you really have to have more to add to it. Half a page repeating what everyone’s familiar with already isn’t very interesting.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12320508/1/Worthy
[Your grandfather was so happy you picked Saffron University.]
And that’s precisely why overage trainers make so very little sense – why right when they’re supposed to be getting an education? It’s not even a good fit for the backpack-around-Europe analogy, because no one’s doing that intending to make backpacking around Europe their career.
You’re evidently going with the idea the world is a million times more deadly…yet [I know what pokemon I want, and Anna’s double-checked my paperwork. After tomorrow’s party, I’ll be a licensed trainer – the day after that, I’ll be on the road.] so apparently just being a teen is really all that matters and the part where they have a baby starter and no practical experience doesn’t play into the death rate at all.
[He whispers, “I want to kill whatever killed him.”]
Well then, maybe he should’ve tried actually raising a pokemon all this time, because thoughts of vengeance aren’t going to change the fact he’s still leaving with a single brand-new pokemon.
One.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12320619/1/For-Him
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[It was at that moment that Serena realized.
She wasn’t doing this for Ash anymore.]
It’s nice to see one of these where she doesn’t revolve around him.
One.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12320777/1/Things-and-Powers-i-can-hardly-phathem
Your spelling and grammar are terrible. Try harder.
One.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12321198/1/Apprentice
Eh, this is written nicely but really seems like original fiction.
[“When I was little,” she says, twisting her hands together absently, “my uncle would read me stories about magic and fairies. I always loved hearing them, and I liked to imagine that they were real.”]
I mean, fairy creatures literally exist in this world. Magic literally exists. So do dragons and ghosts and ancient robots. And not only that, but there have been multiple times when an apparent fairy tale turned out to a factually true. The only reason a scientist would disapprove of a former belief in fairies is the part where you’re rejecting the piles of proof they do in fact exist.
Zero.