Dragon Quill

 Ten pages, with a surprising percentage of more original stuff…including another pokemon-fucking fic, but this time more slutshamy rather than why-won’t-society-accept-our-love.

[So
this is just a short little oneshot of my two OCs talking. It doesn’t
really relate to my story of them, it’s more AU I guess ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[the younger Pokémon, ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

And this flirts with plot but doesn’t
actually manage it.

The idea of pokemon getting new types
doesn’t make any sense in the first place – Clefairy would have
always been totally immune to dragon moves and able to punch them
around with her fairy moves regardless of how they’re classified.
Then you have the main issue being that apparently she’s been using
more than four moves, which is cheating because…….and apparently
pokemon care so much about cheating that none of them ever do except
if they’re told they can beat up dragon types (even if they already
could before) at which point they don’t care and use any they want,
and then the story ends without resolution.

Write out numbers with letters.

[Also she has a scar under her right
eye caused by her trying to feed the animal. Long story short the dog
accidentally cut her. ]

Dogs bite and claw, they don’t cut.

[We have just two friends in our
orphanage whom also go to the same school as us. ]

Don’t use whom like that. Also, you
need way more commas.

[We were always late because our alarm
clocks never work. Our alarm clocks never work because we can’t
afford to repair them or buy new ones. Both me and Rose have jobs,
but we’re just saving up till we can move into an apartment away from
the orphanage. ]

I have to agree that this is a terrible
excuse given how cheap alarms are and that they live in an orphanage,
not a private island. As a result this makes me utterly unsympathetic
about the way they proceed to curse at the teacher for not giving
them a special exemption for laziness. Especially when you go on to
say that they also just forget about homework and generally make it
clear they don’t care about any of this.

There are many valid reasons why kids
in an orphanage might have angry teachers through no fault of their
own and you ignored all of them.

[On our way to our separate jobs, Me
and Rose work at two different places but her work place is on the
way to mine, and the orphanage is just ahead, we discover that
Saturday was tomorrow. ]

This is too stupid for me. I’m out.

Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

As a hook, a letter claiming to be
about what to do after you’ve been a successful trainer is nice to
see after a million letters inviting trainers to the newest
competition, and the idea trainers don’t transition very smoothly
back into society is interesting. And you write well – the guy’s boss
sitting in a pitch black room is creepy and mysterious, the battle
zone’s terrain already sounds like it’ll be amazing, and Becky’s a
nice grounded character.

There are seven thousand stories just
on this site in this category with “pokemon” in their
title. “New” features in another thousand. There are over
four hundred “chronicles”, more if you include
misspellings, even more with “begins” and “beginning”,
and even more “Character Name”‘s whatever. There are
almost eight hundred with “legend”. There are fourteen
hundred with “journey”, twelve hundred with “story”,
almost three hundred with “quest”, and two thousand with
“adventure”. The different region names appear another
thousand or two times. “Saga”, “region” and
“champion” come in around two hundred. In sum, you should
try to choose an original title that has to do with your story in
particular, not something that indicates it’s yet another story about
a pokemon trainer.

[I bet you all have at least heard this
over and over again, but you’re going to hear it again. ]

If you realize this is a terrible waste
of everyone’s time, don’t do it.

Opening your story with a character
waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and
to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if
I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of
times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some
other, interesting point.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

Your entire chapter was a waste of
time. You could have easily started it after he got his pokemon
without anything being missed here.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

[You see even though I don’t speak and
can still feel the power to speak right there, I’ve just built up
such a wall around it I never need to. ]

You really need to proofread better.
Also, she needs to shut up about how she can’t talk. The basic setup
of this is sueish enough without her going on and on about how she’s
mute and friendless and her secret pain.

“Your” is possessive, as in,
your story, “you’re” means “you are”.

And now you’re repeating the game
opening dialogue. That was bad enough sitting through when it was the
game.

Write out numbers with letters.

[He is a competitor of pokemon leagues
which are a competition between pokemon trainers. ]

No one will ever read this who needs
that explained.

Your sentence structure is childish and
boring, and you make a lot of mistakes. You should really find
someone to be your beta reader.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

Characters being stupid random isn’t
actually entertaining. The opposite, in fact.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

This is nicely written but suffers from
the fact you just treat being immortal as the most horrible fate
possible right from the start. Sure, it’s pretty awful if you only
care about one person in the whole world and they’ve just abandoned
you in horror to leave you to wander about alone and guilty, and I
could see Lysandre being depressed because he was sure things were
about to get really awful and now he’s going to be there to see every
last bit of it, but Serena’s horrified on the idea right from the
start, and everything that happens after seems completely
self-inflicted – she’s the one stressing about it, she’s the one
cutting her ties with everyone because no one must know for some
reason, she’s the one who avoids making friends with anyone else,
she’s the one who decides to hang out with Emo McGenocidey after
deliberately isolating herself so she has no one else.

I really think this would benefit by
not rushing into it. Her mother dying and her friends actually
growing old would be a blow and seem a lot more reasonable than her
blocking them out of her life almost immediately, and depending on
how the immortality works she might find them too different to
maintain a friendship, or resent them from being able to grow up and
become adults. Even still, she could make new friends. When those
grow up and eventually inevitably die too, that’s about when I can
buy the immortal angst business, and sure, after enough of that
Lysandre would be appealing just because she doesn’t have to face
getting invested in someone who’ll just die on her, plus eventually
he’d be her only link to the way things were way back then. But she’d
still get to explore everything and meet all sorts of people while
young and healthy and, it seems, without even any concern of being
injured, so I can’t buy it’s going to be a nonstop miseryfest right
from the beginning.

I do like the ending – it’s a strong
finish and I like what it shows about her, plus it’s nice to have a
happyish ending when the fic itself was so down.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Well, that sure was the worst sort of
preachy. Not sure what you thought you were doing here.

Script format’s
banned. Be less lazy.

[Pair
of lean legs scathed with a few bruises that the girl acquired during
that lunch break marched furiously down the corridor straight from
the Principal’s office. ]

A
pair. A! This sentence is enough of a disaster without you just
throwing grammar out the window entirely. As are pretty much every
other sentence in this whole thing – stop twisting everything up to
try to sound more literary/deep/whatever godawful motivation is
driving you to write so badly.

Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she
said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she
said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said.
The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a
speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She
grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,”
She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because
it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like
laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re
breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said.
“This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is
it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[My
name is Risk. Or some people call me Kylor, ]

No.
Pick a name for your character.

[I
live my life everyday on the run, my leaf blades stained with at
least a few drops of blood by the end of the day. ]

Ah,
cliches.

[Some
of you might wonder, why the heck do I have leaf blades? The answer
is because I’m a hybrid. I was a human, but then I was fused with the
DNA of a grovyle, which led to all of these mutations. And although
some might think it’s great to have powers like these, my perspective
is entirely different. Every time I look at my reflection, or when
I’m fighting off my enemies, I view my mutations as a painful memory
of what I had done six months ago. Some people think of these
abilities as a blessing, I think of it as nothing more than an
agonizing curse. ]

I
don’t know why you’re bothering with this paragraph when there is no
way you’ll have even a single reader who doesn’t immediately fill in
pokemorph with angsty backstory whining about how their powers are
actually a curse just from “on the run”, “leaf
blades”, and “stained with blood”.

Oh
god and not satisfied to have beaten in the obvious you’re now
writing a flashback so you can cover every unnecessary, done to death
detail of his cliché EVIL SCIENTIST TEST SUBJECT BACKSTORY I’m out.

You
misspelled prologue, which incidentally, this is way too short to be.

Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she
said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she
said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said.
The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a
speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She
grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,”
She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because
it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like
laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re
breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said.
“This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is
it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

Stop
capitalizing random words.

Write
out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

I really like what you’ve written so
far – the ponyta ranch feels real, I’m fond of Bo already, the bit
with the trainer was a nice diversion and I’m really curious about
whatever’s going on with Blaise – something like a bulbasaur’s seed?

If
your “prologue” is this painfully short, it shouldn’t be
getting posted separately. Just stick it on top your actual chapter.

You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

I am
really not seeing why a plague that kills pokemon is helping an evil
team exploit them.

Also
not seeing why the solution to a plague is to flee the sun into
tunnels where everyone will be in close quarters for better disease
transmission.

Write
out numbers with letters.

Speaking of numbers, don’t give the
exact levels of pokemon.

This chapter also had no actual sign of
anything happening, you just say your character is brave, say he has
pokemon then end by saying he has an exam, so I’m done. Next time,
longer chapters that have at least one thing happen in them.

It’s generally a terrible idea to open
with a long key about exactly what kind of speech something is. It’s
especially bad to do it with no rhyme or reason so that pokemon
speech is telepathy underline plus thought italics, because that’s
not going to be confusing in the least. You know how most people deal
with thoughts? By not sticking quotation marks around them in the
first place! That was all you had to do.

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Well they are going to a summer cabin
that they had rented from someone named Samurai (That’s actually the
person’s name surprisingly.). ]

Use commas, don’t use author’s notes.
Also, if a name is stupid enough you feel you need to explain it,
just use a different character.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.

And now you seem really invested in
making it clear that Mew is totally a girl and how very much the
little boy notices, which suggests this is going nowhere good.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

And huh, that was dismal and yet also
anticlimactic. He’s miserable he’s constantly hurting others without
meaning to and even more miserable he can’t touch the one he loves
who keeps repeating that it’s okay because it’s what their trainer
wanted like a mantra…then their trainer’s audino wanders by to
mention that hey, she can effortlessly fix that for a painfully short
time, so enjoy! Then it fades and he hurts his lover by accident
again. But now there’s a baby audino who can keep spamming the move.
So I guess they’ll have to keep the baby watching them while they
screw next time to keep the simple beam refreshed or else it’ll be
more burning when the move wears off halfway.

Actually, you know what’d have helped?
Using the mummy ability in the resolution instead. Since that seems
to work by being passed back and forth they’d probably be safe during
any extended contact. Not sure if you’d want to have a yamask
hatching from an egg, though, it’d probably need to be caught.

Narration is great. Try that instead of
attempting to force a story just by having your character talk about
how it’s happening.

Your grammar is really bad and this
isn’t a story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.