In which people keep insisting the lati pair can shapeshift, a story with a lot of characterization that irritates me by not mattering, and I read another one I actually like.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11731849/1/Pathfinder-The-Story-of-Pokemon-X-and-Y
[ Pokemon Y was pretty dark if you read in between the lines. ]
…the game where the evil team’s plot was genocide got dark when you read between the lines?
Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[The waiting was over, Serena was now eleven-years old, Professor Sycamore was to hand out the starters, ]
It’s ten. Also, she never actually had to wait because anyone can get a pokemon just by having one handed to them. You actually sort of had an excuse in that she obviously doesn’t want to be a trainer and is timid, so refusing to leave on the designated time would make more sense than usual, but then you ignored it.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[more importantly she wondered if she would fit in with the others or if her timid personality would make her a target for the other kids to pick on just like it had at school in Hoenn. ]
…does she not get what journeys involve.
[ Socializing hadn’t been her thing to begin with since it wasn’t in her nature, but after her experiences at school, she wasn’t sure she wanted to socialize every again. ]
And therefore she’s more bothered by the idea of being pretty much all by herself and not forced to interact with anybody rather than another year of school?
[ Serena would soon be choosing her starter Pokemon and her decision would be crucial. A trainer’s starter Pokemon was often their first friend and teammate, connecting with the Pokemon that you were to begin your journey with was imperative. ]
Except she doesn’t even know if she wants to do this, and a trainer’s starter pokemon only matters if they’re actually going to be a serious trainer.
Look, she can’t both be incredibly wishywashy and taking this completely seriously as her livelong job from now on.
[“How ’bout you Serena?” Tierno questioned. ]
Questioned isn’t a synonym for asked. Many of your other speech tags as similarly inappropriate.
[“Why doesn’t the professor just hand out the starters at his lab like the professors of other regions?” Serena asked. ]
As much as I appreciate her contributing to exposition, you just spent half the fic on how she’s terrified of interacting with others, then she just got shoved into a very talkative group and forced to participate in a short conversation, and yet she’s now willingly bringing up a new point?
[Serena’s face turned red with embarrassment for a second from all the attention she was getting and rubbed the back of her head out of embarrassment. She was naturally shy by nature; but to actually hear praise and kind words from her fellow peers rather than scorn and malice from them was new to her.
“Meeting a new friend is always worth the time.” Trevor said.
A small smile formed on Serena’s face as she felt truly appreciated by people her age for the first time in her life. She truly felt at home and truly felt at ease around the new group of–no, her friends. Taking a sip of her smoothie, Serena’s eyes widened and her smile grew that much bigger.]
This isn’t someone who’s terrified of socializing and was picked on by other kids, or she’d assume that they were just buttering her up for some sort of horrible prank, especially after they just insisted she get something to drink and then brought the drink for her without her seeing what went into it.
If you want her friendly with them, you need to tone her earlier bit way, way down and have her just be a lonely kid who was largely ignored before, but has no actual bad experiences with other kids being cruel or tricking her. That’s how you’re actually writing her here.
If you want her to actually be timid and scared of people, in contrast, that’s a flaw and it’s annoying when you spend paragraph upon paragraph claiming it’s one she has only for it to vanish the first time it could actually matter.
[Serena smiled a bit as she watched Shauna send out a yellow fox-like Pokemon. She hadn’t been around many Pokemon since she wasn’t into battling and since her mother never really had been into battling either; however, she loved interacting with Pokemon and enjoyed learning about Pokemon nevertheless. ]
Pet pokemon exist and we see them all the time. Your options aren’t battling or nothing and that’s extra obvious when it’s about the girl who has a rhyhorn hanging out in her front yard.
[ Though Froakie was said to be the hardest of the three Kalos starters to raise, Serena couldn’t find it in herself to care. She was tired of running in fear and tired of being looked down upon, she wanted to prove all the kids back in Hoenn wrong and she wanted to prove make a name for herself. Serena wanted to make her father eat his words for all the times her and her mother had been called worthless, she would rise to the top–whatever path she chose in life. Her mother was right, moving to Kalos was a chance for a fresh start in life and this was the first step of Serena’s fresh start in life. ]
So basically you didn’t need all the paragraphs going on about how supposedly she’s actually timid and doesn’t think she even wants to be a trainer, because it’s pretty much irrelevant to the entire rest of your story.
[“So we have Blaze the Fennekin, Deluge the Froakie, and Bulwark the Chespin–pretty clever thinking from all of you.” Trevor remarked. ]
No.
[The somewhat shy trainer blushed as she held her right arm nervously. “That’s the thing, I still haven’t decided what path I want to take as a trainer.” ]
Yes, she did. She picked the one she spent a paragraph explaining is the hyper-aggressive starter that hates to lose. She’s closed off all non-competitive options for certain and she can’t be sure her pokemon will accept non-battling competitions because she never thought to ask before picking it, so she’s either an idiot or she just picked doing the gyms. If she actually did care about keeping her options open and waiting to see, she’d have picked a different one.
Oh god now you’re having them explain to each other where their pokemon’s incredibly obvious nicknames came from.
Look, you seem to have an interest in characterization and a timid, indecisive trainer is a big change from the standard formula – but only if you actually have that matter. What you actually have here is the standard XY opening chapter with a lot of you inserting mentions of Serena’s personality/backstory without that seeming to impact anything.
Serena struggling to trust the gang would’ve been an interesting change over the standard instant friendship, and you could show her actually growing and developing a friendship with them over time instead. Serena not picking the starter you gave the most glowing description of because your description also showing it’s a bad fit for her would’ve been interesting, or since you seem to really want it, then Serena’s supposed hesitation and timidity meaning she gives up any chance to pick to say the other two and is then stuck with a froakie as a result would’ve been her flaw hurting her at the moment (because again, even if she’s struggling to choose from the three she should know one of the options is definitely worse for her) but spur her to becoming more decisive now that she has such a difficult pokemon to raise. It’d also work well with the fact that even the narration here admits that, as indecisive as she may be, it’s pretty obvious she’d find pokemon battles least appealing but her pokemon should prefer those, creating further difficulty for her.
At least this was trainerfic where there was actually things to talk about. A reasonably good start for the day.
One review, crit.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11731859/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-The-Untold-Future
[ young Lucario’s ears ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Suddenly, he felt an odd sense of foreboding. A warning, nagging at him at the back of his head. Reacting part instinctively and part rationally]
That really doesn’t make sense.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Write out numbers with letters.
Two, both saying the formatting was broken.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11731867/1/PokeMaster-Pokemon
[It knew it wouldn’t live long because it could feel its life body aching with so much pain and it’s slowly getting hard to keep its speed but it would not rest, No, it would not rest until the bundle in its arms is safe. ]
[The bundle, unaware of the fact that it would lose its remaining parent and the said parent crying at the loss of being unable to raise its child. ]
Your sentences are a mess. Get a beta reader.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Ash is a Latios story ]
They’re not shapeshifters, they can just change how the light hits them. You want Ash to be a secret pokemon but still be the size and shape of a human baby, he’s got to be a mew, ditto, or possibly smeargle.
Six, possibly because it’s also doing the thing where Ash is a total sue and his pokemon will definitely evolve etc etc.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11732147/1/Bright-eyes-and-the-Spring-Bringer
[Hopefully they don’t just come across as humans with pokemon names.]
No. The story format is similar to that of tales with human protagonists, but the way characters interact with their world uses their abilities well – though some explanation of how she’s carrying her items might be a good idea, since it can’t just be assumed she’s got pockets.
As to the rest, your description is lovely and I like the rhythm of it.
One, possibly because it’s not doing the thing where Ash is a total sue and his pokemon will definitely evolve etc etc.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11732167/1/A-Small-Adventure-Comashipping-fanfic
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11732440/1/Ash-Take-Care-of-Clemont
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
There really isn’t a lot of new ground to mine for comedy in “Ash has to wear a dress and and hates it” and “also his pokemon dress up and hate it” doesn’t add anything. If the core of your story is [“You’re a keeper!” the little girl announced, kneeling before Ash. “Will you please take care of my brother?”] then you should focus on building around that rather than the sidetrack of Ash doing the mandatory whining about dressing up being humiliating.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Alright, so the ending was a little cheesy. I will take full responsibility for that. But what did you think? ]
I think the real problem is you dodged the underlying homophobia. Bonnie apparently knew Clemont was in love with Ash but thought it was a better bet to ask a completely random girl instead. It doesn’t need to be anything depressing, just Bonnie taking a second to realize that wait, boys dating boys was an option? Good, problem solved. Having that entirely skipped over makes it feel implausible even though the basic setup doesn’t seem like much of a stretch at all.
Five, one explaining that only gay people can write teh yaois and the author should’ve made Ash into a girl, unless the author’s gay in which case they’re allowed to write it, also, their profile explains they’re okay with polygamous bestiality ships. God damn you pokemon category.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11732688/1/Klinklang-s-adventure
Capitalize your title properly.
If you don’t know how to spell pokemon species, look them up.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Write out numbers with letters.
Two, crit.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11732730/1/Advice-from-above
Capitalize your title properly.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Five, one crit.
Other stuff to do is finally done, so tomorrow I’ll get back to digging myself out of the pit I’m in.
I’m fairly certain that in one of the movies, Latias at least could physically shape shift, so that could be what they were referring too.
And Googling it quickly says that that movie came out a few months before Ruby and Sapphire did, so something was probably changed and that could be where the confusion comes from.
The glasses the bad guys used confirmed that Latias was just manipulating her appearance. Appearance is different from shapeshifting.
True, but the way the movie itself was presented makes it confusing, so I can’t fully blame people for not understanding what happened. Latias is floating but projecting ground-touching feet, yet we never get the sense of weight displacement or see the feet accidentally phase through anything.
As someone who may need a shape-changed Lati at some point for a fic, it’s an important consideration.
It’s always struck me as too gimmicky to actually be useful in most narritives. All it served for the movie is to have Ash get confused for a while. There are just so many limitation(not speaking, physical interactions)
I did make something out of it with gijinkas though.
The pokemon anime has a long history of psychic types randomly being able to communicate when it’s convenient, so making one telepathic isn’t a big stretch. And there’s existing human psychics, so the telepathy wouldn’t be an immediate giveaway.
I meant it’s usefulness as a disguise, which is odd because Latias is also shown to have invisibility. Her ability is used more to act like a female lead against Ash.
The telepathic communication is more of a movie pokemon thing than a psychic pokemon thing. Zorua and Shyman both could.
But we also see her reflection in the water. I’m pretty sure a lot of the misunderstanding came from fics that wanted to ship her with Ash and wrote her as a human for convenience’s sake and ending up overwriting canon info.
Not only was it confusing, the idea of psychic Pokemon shapeshifting was so much cooler that after I saw the movie I figured I’d just headcanon in the more sensible option. I’m not surprised a lot of people do that, the whole light-bending thing was bizarre.
I haven’t seen the movie in a while, but didn’t people physically touch her while she was human though? Like didn’t she get string shot at one point?
When she drops the illusion, you can see she’s mostly in the same space as her illusion and quite possibly can’t move it very far from her actual body given it’s just refracted light. If you aim at the human, you’ll hit the latias.
What about zorua? I’m also thinking ghastly, I think they could take other shapes besides just posession. The pokemon that can pass for human are just a gold mine of ideas, I wish the one from before with a zorua who stayed in human form and wanted to be a trainer was explored better.
I’m unsure if zorua physically shapeshifts, though – I got the impression they just made really good (possibly even tactile?) illusions, which is why no moves or stats change when your zorua is being tricky in-game. I think a zorua COULD pass convincingly for human, we’ve seen them do so, but not sure if a baby could keep it up well enough.
I think the bigger issue for a baby if the baby is Ash is that it’s broken by taking any damage. I don’t see him keeping the charade up very long.
I agree there should be room for pokemon to actually pass for human, but we’ve got pokemon for that already. If you want a pokemon that functionally is a human, to the point they might not even know themselves, you want ditto or mew. If you just need them to be able to put up an extremely convincing front, you can add smeargle having sketched transform to the list. The latis and zorua having limitations (and different limitations, at that!) lets you use them differently, which I think is fun.