Better quality than usual today. Also a brand new flavor of bad.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11737280/1/Falling

Hm. Not really sure what to make of this one.

Iris is unhappy, Iris wants to escape but somehow is actually trapped and can’t escape Opelucid, but now she thinks she’ll be able to escape successfully because she’ll plan and be sneaky, and…it ends there.

The writing of it is extremely nice, but it’s not clear what’s keeping her so it’s hard to be invested in any plan of hers to overcome that or understand what changed in this particular instance. She should already have pokemon, so she’s mobile in that sense, her family isn’t there so they can’t be the ones dragging her back when she tries leaving and the school being the ones raises new questions of how much power they have in a world that seems to let kids have a lot of autonomy… You get across how she feels well, but it’s lacking in context.

Zero reviews.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11737318/1/Buster

[This is just a drabble I had in my head. ]

A drabble is a word for something written and edited to be precisely 100 words. You’re off by a factor of ten here.

This is well written and you have a lot of cute details, but they don’t add up to anything.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11737423/1/Loops

[“I love you, mom.” ]

Used as in place of a name, it’s capitalized as one.

[I learned pretty early on that there was something wrong with most of the people. Their personalities are static, and they flip on and off like light switches. All they do is stand or pace in the same spot all day, only activating if you pass their line of sight. They only say one or two things. It was a little disconcerting at first, but I’ve gotten used to it.
It’s not hard to tell the real people from the living mannequins though. Me, Green of course. The gym leaders and Elite Four, I think. Giovanni definitely. A few other people I met. They’re still forced through the same words, the same actions every time, but there’s a look in their eyes. Like recognizes like. ]

I’m not sure what benefit this division produces. If almost everyone is a robot, then it seems like the problem is that there’s a few real people accidentally stuck here, while if everyone was normal except for the script taking them over, the tragedy and horror is a lot farther reaching.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[Every time I clean out the Rockets’ bases, there’s more junk there, strange machinery and abandoned labs. I worry about what he might be building. About what he might be planning. He has all the time in the world to get it right. ]

I really like this bit. The whole idea is a cool one, but I haven’t seen Giovanni secretly plotting something terrifying in the gaps added in before.

Zero. Maybe they should’ve opened with an a/n explaining that unlike anime Ash the Ash in their story was going to raise different pokemon and win the championship.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11737465/1/Pokemon-Adventures-Road-to-become-a-Pokemon-Master

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Don’t ask for OCs. Make up what OCs your story actually needs to fit whatever purpose you need them for.

[who’s name ]

Whose.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Starting a story with your character waking up is terribly overdone and was boring the first time.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

This one appears to have truly taken the importance of capitalization to heart.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11737537/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Journey-Sevii-Islands

[The theme of the Pokémon Journey is the story of ordinary pokémon trainers – i.e., if pokémon really existed, what would a pokémon journey be like for your average, run-of-the-mill trainer? Story-wise, this means that the battle with the villainous teams (if mentioned) is something that happens in the background, rather than something the protagonists are actively involved in. I know that it isn’t exactly the most appealing premise, but the Pokémon Journey: Kanto managed to attract a fair following in its time, so you might as well check out the couple of chapters. ]

Stop sticking “the” in front of your title like that and the fact you’re doing it when your title is just the basic words we use to refer to the concept makes this incredibly hard to parse.

[“Hey, Livvi!” He greeted her. ” ]

You’re mostly writing dialogue with correct mechanics but here you’ve capitalized “he”.

A bigger issue is that your dialogue goes on and on and on about nothing in particular. This is true to life but there are a lot of incredibly boring things no one cares about that are true to life. Try to think about what information you’re trying to convey with each sentence, and particularly avoid saying the same thing repeatedly.

Don’t ask for OCs. Make up what OCs your story actually needs to fit whatever purpose you need them for.

[Charka (Charmeleon): Male; Naïve; Often scatters things, Likes Sweet food; Fire type; Blaze ability; Known moves are Fire Spin, Smokescreen, Flamethrower and Metal Claw. ]

oh god what did semicolons ever do to deserve this.

Two, one mild crit.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11737543/1/The-darkness-takes-over

Capitalize your title properly.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[Feeling drowsy, he plopped himself onto the comfy bed, and within seconds, he fell asleep.
~Dream~]

You really really do not need to label dreams, and doubly so when you just wrote that the character fell asleep.

[Everybody was still. There was an atmosphere of shock and surprise. Why were Giovanni, Maxie, Archie, Cyrus, Ghetsis and Lysandre on TV, especially together and with the pokémon president.
“Too long we have seen people suffer,” Cyrus said, emotionless as ever.
“Too long we have seen this world full of strife,” Lysandre added.
Ghetsis then came forward, nudging the fallen Mr. Omama on the floor. “Too long we have seen pokémon tortured.” He then pulled up the chair, getting the president upright.
“We, the leaders of the most prominent organisations in the world have decided to take action and end all pain and violence in the world,” Giovanni said. “Imagine a world without pain, without war; imagine a world with only peace and serenity, no more differences amongst people. All you have to do is pledge your allegiance to each of us.”]

THOSE GROUPS HATE EACH OTHER. THEIR GOALS ARE INCOMPATIBLE.

Lysandre and Cyrus both want similar things but have totally different views on how everything works and what a perfect world would be. The other four wouldn’t want anything to do with either of their plans because they want life to keep existing. Ghetsis and Giovanni wouldn’t want to be anywhere near each other because they both want to be the only ones in charge, and everybody else should hate them because the rest are idealists. And the pair that spend their respective games hating each other’s goals hate each other’s goals, while the world-enders would think both were petty and the ambitious wouldn’t want anything to do with a plan that’s to just wreck all their stuff.

Look, you can wrangle some of them together. Giovanni’s legitimate businessman facade could theoretically mean he could also convince the dumbest evil teams he supports their stupid, stupid goals, so he could ally with Maxie OR Archie for some sort of short term gain. The fact somehow no one thinks Lysandre rambling about wiping clean the filth is kind of incredibly worrying means maybe Giovanni could fall for it too and think the guy was just some trusting rich patsy totally unaware Lysandre planned to double-cross him as part of getting what he needs to genocide the planet. Ghetsis was great at pretending to be in favor of whatever got him power, so he could likely assimilate into any other group but he built Plasma up by pretending to be in favor of something and so large parts of his group would break ranks if he suddenly decided to pretend to be something else, and you’d have to explain why he’d be willing to play second-fiddle. Cyrus might be able to convince Maxie OR Archie that he’s got some secret plan to fix the planet that’s even better than accidentally killing us all with Groudon/Kyogre.

Two evil teams joining up would still mean a huge jump in power from the usual, and which evil teams allied would say more about what’s going on than the standard bit about how somehow they’re all working together because. If you really wanted to push things you could probably throw Ghetsis in as a third with any of them because he’s the most willing to say and do anything for power, but he’d only be able to bring a chunk of Plasma onboard if he did.

One:espeon44 chapter 2 . Jan 17
u did well
let ash date may and serena
can someone date dawn not name paul like my occ

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11737626/1/Golden-Heart

[“Mom? Dad? Your gonna be home right?” a young boy says in the night. (This seems familiar) Oh god not you.. Let me guess someone told you I was doing a new story. (No I left something from last time) Oh ok what’s that? (My cookie..) Just fuck you..
“My Ashy we just need to get some stuff real quick ok?” the woman says with a nice smile. “I will be back. I promise.” She smiles again kissing the boy in the cheek closing the door.
Ash sat there just waiting for his parents to open the door in his house. (Wait he is there alone?) You sound like one of those guys from CinemaSins.. (Hey just pointing out a plot hole senpai.) Fucking hell..]

What the fuck made you think this was a good idea.

Two, so I guess that’s what. Christ, what’s wrong with things over there?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11737637/1/Pokemon-mystery-Dungeon-Rescue-team-of-the-past

Capitalize your title properly.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[There is no way that the worlds Joy would be in a pit like this. ]

Apostrophe for possessives.

[At the sound of Jack’s powerful manly voice ]

You need to try less hard. This isn’t making him sound cool, it’s just ridiculous.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

[and learning what gave Joy those awful cuts.
A Charizard.]

Yeah, the fire-breathing dragon’s dramatic attack on her just amounting to scratch is pretty unimpressive.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11737672/1/rosa

[Hilbert had jumped right into it, accepting their challenges without further thought, exhilarated, extemporaneous, enraptured by this turn of events.]

Really obvious where you’re trying to work one of the prompt words in.

Similarly, the whole capital/lowercase idea could’ve used a few boatloads more subtlety.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“We shall see,” he humored her. ]

That’s not a valid speech tag.

One, crit.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11737715/1/Trust-Me

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Hm, nice to see a Colosseum fic and nicer still to see one that isn’t starting at the beginning of the game.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11737715/2/Trust-Me

Eh, this one isn’t doing anything to provide us with a different viewpoint on the situation, it’s just the same thing plus her explaining she’ll definitely forgive everything because he’s muscular and she’s into that, and you already did fine showing that by the whole mystery gasp last chapter. If you want to spend a lot of time on her going into more detail about how she finds him hot, at least move the timeframe along and have this chapter start where the last one ends.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11738441/1/The-Hero-Bard

[Once upon a time, there were six farmers. Well, there were a lot more than six farmers. But the farmers I’m talking about were peculiar farmers indeed. And their names were Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta, Omega, and Grisseo. They were very good farmers. Alpha and Omega were always competing with each other. Currently, the record harvest was 1000 carrots by Omega, followed closely by Alpha’s 999 carrots. Beta was an even better farmer. He farmed food for his Cubchoo named Cubby. His best harvest was 100 million carrots. Gamma threatened his crops into growing, and he had a harvest of 999,999 carrots. Delta was a very depressing person. He only grew Depressing Tea Leaves that grew on depressed-ness. Of course, since he was so depressing, he had a harvest of around 50 million every year. Grisseo was the last farmer. He stole everybody else’s crops to sacrifice them to Darkrai in a shrine that he had built himself.
Of course, this story isn’t about those six farmers. Why would it be? ]

Yeah too late I’m bored and out.

Five because prostituting your fic works.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11737889/1/In-the-Presence-of-Shadows

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Plotwise, I’m not sure what to make of this. Darkrai being the hero character seems to come out of nowhere – why didn’t he just talk to N before this, why is he saying he’s pro human/pokemon on the basis of companionship when he’s hanging out with his fellow pokemon as a trainer rather than joining up with an actual human trainer? What stake does he have in this? The ideal of N facing a trainer who’s secretly a pokemon is really intriguing, but it seems it should change a lot more.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11738464/1/Odyssey-A-Pokemon-Journey

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

[Countless arguments with mother ]

If you’re using it as a name, it’s capitalized like one.

This is intriguing – it’s nice to get dialogue that actually contains information, and prehistory settings can be fun.

[Mater Plants – Tall, thin stalks that contain fruits that are similar in both taste and texture to tomatoes and potatoes. It is heavy in starch and serves as a good source of food for wintertime. ]

Except those two things have totally different tastes and textures, nothing could possibly be similar to both of them. They don’t even share their basic structure, a potato is solid all the way through while a tomato is full of pockets of seed goo.

Also, why not just say potatoes? Tomatoes aren’t starchy and don’t store well. Or if you need a crop that fits with needing someone to help harvest it, give them corn, which requires a lot more processing to store. Saying an imaginary plant just makes it harder for anyone to picture it in its context, while giving a real staple crop like potatoes would suggest they’re likely subsistence farmers.

[Pokemon Hunters of Oreburgh – An old organization whose roots are intrinsically tied to the creation of Oreburgh. Therefore, many of the virtues and traditions of the organization are intertwined with Oreburgh culture, and as such, has contributed heavily to Oreburgh’s isolationist attitude. It is aggressively antagonistic towards and untrustful of pokemon, and members view pokemon trainers with severe disdain. Children enlist at the age of 5, and go through rigorous training until the age of 15. While not having any written codes, there are several unspoken codes that, when broken, can result in exclusion or even banishment of the offending members. ]

Meanwhile, this would have more impact if you doled out the information over time in the story.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11738498/1/Claw-Fossil

[Especially when running for one’s life or helped, but long distance…not so much. ]

This sentence really doesn’t make sense.

“It’s” means “it is”. “Its” is the possessive form.

[ Plating crashed into eachother, and the tank limply tumbled down to the bottom of the pit. ]

Proofread, also “tank” is not a good epithet here.

You’re obviously trying to write in a particular style here that’s supposed to sound unusual, but it’s mostly just awkward and frustrating. I’d strongly suggest a beta reader.

Zero.