Wherein I complete all the way up to January 16th. The end of the month is probably going to be tough for me.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12324209/1/Kinetic-Spirits-Arc-1-Sagefox

[“Rise, my servant. You have been granted the most wondrous of opportunities,” the silken voice of his mistress rang within his mind, as though his very soul were a bell which had just been struck.]

If the narration’s only related to the words and not directly how they’re said, it’s treated as a separate sentence.

[Within his glassy orbs reflected the well-curved body of a female delphox, her silver and purple coat hanging down and ending just below her knees, unlike most delphox, indicating her rare and unique fashion. Her very witch-like essence was engulfed in purple flames, which wreathed the female in malevolent, almost demonic light.]

Also this is just terribly overwritten, like you’re working harder at jamming in as many adjectives as you can, while swapping regular words out for not-actually-a-synonyms because they sound fancier. It’s exhausting and frustrating to read.

It’s also somewhat awkward to set this up as “evil sexy female witch delphox” vs “good elderly male sage delphox”, especially when the next female character is a (lopunny, no less) mother who’s crazy from the deaths of some of her children. You’re really piling up the gendered tropes here.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12324210/1/The-Moestones-and-the-World-of-Pok%C3%A9mon

[“The girls do seem to lose the advantage of having two X chromosomes when they only have one to read from. It might also lead to other issues, such as pattern baldness. It might be best to only let women use to moestone, at least for females, I have no idea if problems involving the Y chromosome can happen without a human male being catalyst, although Charles and Philip seem healthy. The primary baldness gene would end up on both copies of the chromosomes.”]

The biology of this is pretty wonky. From the bit about “both copies” it seems like the idea is to generate a female from a male, they have the exact same X but twice, but the X chromosome encodes for things a lot more important than hair. It’s trivial to have an XY person present as female and also makes a lot more sense for a rock not to have the ability to decide how to behave based on if people’s sexes match, especially when it presumably works even on plant and mineral based pokemon.

And the sudden debate about if they should be doing this seems awkward. They’re both talking in rather abstracted terms, more like they’re debating the worldbuilding of the fic than actually thinking about what will happen around them.

[“But we are inducing a new race of people into the world without approval from much of the world. There may not be a place for them in the long run,” he said.

“Well, they seem to benefit from the general intelligence of the catalysts. Every human who I know who used the stone have an above average IQ, roughly speaking. Alyssa is even on a list of Mars astronaut candidates. It wouldn’t be a huge stretch to say it has help them in adapting to this world.”

“That sounds a lot like eugenics. Improving that intelligence of a race. It’s also something that may threaten humans in the long run.”]

Like, what about just wondering what their legal status is? And if this completely changes them mentally, is it actually killing the pokemon it’s used on and using that as raw material to make a new creature?

[Her breast, which together rivaled her head in size, were clearly another problem for passing as human.]

Also…really?

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12324220/1/Lulu

[ New story here, and we’re hitting the ground running. ]

Uh…you have people standing around in dramatic lightning making vague pronouncements about prophesy and things changing. There isn’t actually anything here clarifying what the story’s plot is. This’d be fine on top of an actual chapter, but it’s not actually moving the story anywhere.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12324346/1/Pokemon-Thunder-Yellow

Battles are not inherently interesting, and there’s few things more boring than one being watched on television.

Write out numbers with letters.

Trainers start at ten.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Now that he’s 15, the legal age in which one can become a Trainer, ]

Nope.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Also, “questioned” doesn’t mean “asked”.

[“I can’t go to bed, mom!” He told her with a slight frown on his face. “My Pokémon Journey starts tomorrow. I’m too excited to sleep.”

“…Well, if you can’t sleep then you should at least be getting ready for tomorrow.”]

While the whole “but fifteen!!!” thing is stupid, it is never more stupid than having the character repeat exactly what ten year old Ash said, and be treated precisely the same.

More, I already watched the show and played the game and read the manga and don’t need to see someone plod through it for the thousandth time. If there’s anything at all actually interesting, you should’ve started there.

Four, for some reason.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12324408/1/Cun-Quest

“Its” is the possessive form. “It’s” means “it is” only.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

One, SYOC. I don’t know why people keep combining that with creepy porn but I wish it’d stop.

This also marks the end of the 15^th, which tells you how far behind I’ve gotten.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12324609/1/Alola-World

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, thousands upon thousands of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.

This goes double when combined with repeating the same game opening as everyone else.

[I don’t know, mom.]

When you’re using something in place of a name, it’s capitalized like a name. Conversely, “pokemon” is always, not just usually, uncapitalized, because it’s never a name. Kahuna isn’t capitalized except when part of a title.

[“If you want to catch a pokemon,” started Kukui, “You gotta weaken it first, yeah?”

“I-I-I…” stuttered the boy, hiding his face in the tree bark. “D-Don’t got a pokemon.”

“Then the solution is simple!” Kukui grinned, jabbing his thumb over to my direction. “Marin here is getting a pokemon from the kahuna, yeah. You can come along too!”]

Given how we’re repeatedly told the place is tiny, the kid who’s already there shouldn’t need to have this concept explained.

[“Pokemon are much cooler than people, aren’t they?” said Elliott, staring at the sky. He clutched onto the straps of his backpack. “It’s stupid how silly I’m being. No matter how friendly people are to me, I’m scared senseless of them. Yet I always try to approach pokemon, even though most of them don’t really like me that much.”]

So he should have a pokemon already. There is really no need to try to set him up so he’s getting one at the same time as the main character – if you want him at the same general ability level, saying he didn’t train his pokemon would accomplish that fine, and having a pokemon doesn’t get in the way of getting pecked by wild ones you’re trying to pet.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12325188/1/Prepare-for-my-Destiny

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12325198/1/000-The-UB-Chronicles

spoilerz? It’s kind of hard to check that without risking spoilers, unfortunately.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12325251/1/The-Alolan-Nudist

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Lillie was about to tell him, when she actually got a good look at him to see that he was naked.]

I feel like you don’t understand what the word “naked” means. It generally doesn’t require extensive examination to notice.

Look YKINMKATO and all but if your kink is nudity where people are continually surprised mid-conversation when they notice the nudity, your kink is dumb.

Five, because people are desperate for not actually porn I guess? Or hopeful there will be porn.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12325776/1/Pokemon-Magical-Leaf

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“Excuse me, you two,” spoke a new voice]

[“Duke, dearie, I believe Violet’s made her last mistake,” she spoke]

Also, don’t use “spoke” as a way to avoid “said”. It’s not supposed to be used as a speech tag at all. Just say “said”.

[“We never know,” Maple spoke up, padding over to Sorrel and Lilac. “Stay vigilant, all of you, especially now that Violet’s MIA.”

“Um,” Dupli spoke up]

Especially when you’re using the exact same phrase twice in a row. You can use “said” a dozen times in a row and it’d be less jarring than this.

One, which is also about the dialogue but it’s the overuse of it in proportion to the rest of the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12326029/1/extra-extra

spoilerz

Also, that completes January 16^th. People were busy that day, I guess.