Pokereviews Day 19 (29)

  01/20/2014       Farla      14 Comments
 Nineteen pages, in which the shiny apocalypse proceeds.
Bolding everything is annoying.
Write out numbers with letters.
Don’t label POVs.
Sentences always need punctuation at
the end, not just sometime.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
(1)
Summaries are not chapters.
(2)
[She caught my father cheating on her.
During her next race, she pretended to lose control of her Rhyhorn,
veered off the course and trampled him to death. A court case soon
followed. Everyone knew she was guilty but she had saved up enough
prize money to bribe the jury to clear her name. ]
How did this seem like a good idea.
Furthermore, your entire setup doesn’t
work. Ten year old kids can and do leave home. There’s no reason for
an adult to stick around with her psychotic mother and societal hate
even this long.
[My blissful rest was brought to an
abrupt end by a sharp and sudden pain in my chest. My eyes shot open
and the first thing I saw was the face of pure evil. My mother’s pet
Fletchling. The tiny orange bird caused nothing but despair for me.
It was a brutal alarm clock, messenger of doom and all round general
annoyance. I am ticklish and feathers make me sneeze easily and this
damn bird knew it. ]
Really not a tone that fits with her
mom killing her dad. Same for…well, every other line of this. I
assume you’re going for some sort of humor-through-incongruity, as I
can’t think of any other reason for this, but if so you’re doing it
about as well as a drunken whale tap-dances. There’s a bit more to it
than starting with something gruesome and then proceeding to ignore
it.
(2)
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
[As people were hurrying by, a homeless
girl named Shelly was crouching behind a garbage can to keep warm.
She couldn’t afford a house because she didn’t have any money to buy
one. ]
Given the pokemon world is one with
buildings dedicated to free food and shelter to kids who wander in
you need a bit more explanation for why those aren’t an option for
her – does the Nurse Joy refuse to let anyone in without a trainer’s
license? Can she not get one for some other reason? If you gave some
explanation for why she’s homeless, like that she’s a runaway, you
might be able to explain why she can’t get help from the authorities,
but as it is, you seem to have just stamped HOMELESS AND COLD on her
so she’d be extra tragic.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
[“F-for me?” Shelly gasped in
shock. “Why are you so nice to me?”

The man said, “Because I can’t let a beautiful woman like you
just perish in this freezing weather.” He took a deep icy breath
and said, “My name is Archie. What’s yours?”

“S-shelly.” Shelly replied, taking the money from
Archie’s hand. “Thank you for helping me.”

“Would you like to go and live in my house? It’s much more
warmer than out here.” Archie said, waiting for Shelly’s answer.

Shelly sat quietly for a moment. She was being invited by a caring
man. He probably lived in a luxury, where she enjoy nice meals and
she will finally remember the taste of tasty salads and enjoyable
meats. She had to decide whether to stay or go and live with Archie.
But what if Archie didn’t live in a luxury, or didn’t have delicious
meals to cook for her? Shelly had to make a wise decision.]

This is really, really stupid.
The guy just said he helped her because
he finds her attractive and then asks her to come back with him to
his house to live with him, and her only concern is how rich he is?
Not that he’s probably only asking because he plans to fuck her? Not
the possibility he’s a a murderer? How has she survived long enough
for him to trip over her if she doesn’t have any sense of what’s
dangerous? Nothing about what he says sounds like what a normal
person would say, and it’s littered with red flags.
[She was given two choices, to sleep
with Archie or to sleep by herself. Of course, she chose to sleep
with Archie. She was too happy. She was very grateful that she
decided she had to find a way to repay him. ]
But clearly such was not on your mind
because apparently it’s great to take advantage of homeless girls.
(1)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
That’s a good interpretation of why
they’re found at the village and nowhere else. I think this is overly
long for the idea, though, and the way the ditto seems to find every
aspect of its life exactly as terrible rather flattens the tragedy –
the fact the girl has a high pitched annoying voice seems to be given
the same weight as being forced to breed for the rest of its life.
(1)
There are seven thousand stories just
on this site in this category with “pokemon” in their
title. “New” features in another thousand. There are over
four hundred “chronicles”, more if you include
misspellings, even more with “begins” and “beginning”,
and even more “Character Name”‘s whatever. There are
almost eight hundred with “legend”. There are fourteen
hundred with “journey”, twelve hundred with “story”,
almost three hundred with “quest”, and two thousand with
“adventure”. The different region names appear another
thousand or two times. “Saga”, “region” and
“champion” come in around two hundred. In sum, you should
try to choose an original title that has to do with your story in
particular, not something that indicates it’s yet another story about
a pokemon trainer.
Opening your story with a character
waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and
to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if
I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of
times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some
other, interesting point. Also, no one will ever care what your
character is eating for breakfast.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
It’s okay, four letters.
When used in place of a name, it’s
written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it’s
written as such.
This entire chapter was a waste of
time. No one needs to see Oak hand people pokemon to know how they
got them. If you have a plot, skip to that.
(0)
More than half of your chapter is just
you going on in completely unnecessary detail about exactly what they
look like.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[a Pokémon with a purple tail with
pink on the tip, pink wings, purple arm gauntlets, a pink stomach and
the rest was a mix of light pink and light purple, then flew off. ]
Congrats, you’ve created a mary sue
species of pokemon.
(3)
Don’t bold everything.
Opening your story with a character
waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and
to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if
I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of
times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some
other, interesting point.
Either swear or don’t. Going halfway is
just idiotic.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.
Spellcheck.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
(1)
[The boy didn’t mean to hurt him. His
friend attacked him, but he had no intention of fighting back. It was
as if someone else had control of his body for those moments, those
agonizing moments, and all he could do was watch in paralyzing
horror. ]
This is worded really badly considering
that, as far as I can make out, he did indeed fight back and he just
felt like he wasn’t in control while doing so. “He hadn’t meant
to fight back” is more along the lines of what you seem to have
been going for. “He had no intention of fighting back”
works more as a declaration of intent, not when recapping in a
situation where fighting back totally did happen.
[his flaccid hand ]
Flaccid’s not a perfect synonym for
limp. Don’t abuse the thesaurus.
[Camila folded her arms across her
chest. “Don’t you dare play the ‘you’re not ready’ card
on me again. Jeremy’s parents let him go on his journey when he was
only twelve!”

“You’ve only just turned thirteen, honey.”]

Why are Jeremy’s parents ridiculously
overprotective? Trainers start at ten. You at least let her have a
pokemon, but you really need to do more than that – more of a
distinction between being a trainer and going on a pokemon journey in
particular, maybe, with something about how more and more trainers
were sticking close to home these days.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Sparks flew as a small Litwick
appeared. It hopped up and down in excitement, a small blue flame
flickering brightly.

Camila quickly pinched it out. “Hey! No, Flash, be good!”
]

That’s a nice detail. I always wondered
about the trainers using them.
[His face was tight. Itchy.
Reaching up to scratch off whatever
dried on his face, his trembling fingers found their way to his right
eye.
His right eye socket, rather.]
And that was a nice shock.
Well, I’m not quite sure where you’re
going with this but it looks like somewhere interesting.
(1)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
This is one of those plots that really
doesn’t seem to have anything to do with the universe or characters.
It could be anyone.
(2)
Don’t label POVs, it should be clear
from context.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
You’ve also got a ton of typos.
Proofread better and get a beta reader.
(4)
This is a nice collection of ideas, but
it’s not a story and shouldn’t be posted here.
(0)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Opening your story with a character
waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and
to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if
I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of
times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some
other, interesting point.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
[Professor Gary Oak looked at the girl.
“Well I do have this one… No one wanted it due to it using
Ember on them.”]
And of course the unwanted charmander
is a super special shiny because all fanfiction takes place in the
mirror version of pokemon where it’s the regular colors that are at
insanely rare.
[A young girl wearing a green hat,
shorts, short-sleeved shirt, a red tie, and green shoes with long,
white socks stood in the open, waiting for someone else to battle. ]
Ask yourself two questions here:
1) What is the most important thing in
this sentence?
2) What is most of the sentence about
despite that?
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[There was an enigma hidden in his
eyes, as if he had taken pain in his recent past. ]
Really don’t see the point of this and
it’s terribly worded as well – “taken pain” really doesn’t
make sense.
Don’t use ” for thoughts. It just
looks like your character is talking to themself.
[A while later.
Flint was waiting anxiously, as Nurse
Joy hadn’t returned in a long time.]
All you had to do was say [A while
later, Flint was waiting anxiously…] You shouldn’t label every
change in time or area.
Well, as an extension of the games you
did a good job of grounding this – the contrast between how Kelsey’s
descriptions of other battles and the one against Red makes it clear
how much more serious a trainer he is even before the pokemon center
scenes, and I like your explanation for why the trainers are standing
where they are.
(0)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
Opening your story with a character
waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and
to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if
I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of
times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some
other, interesting point.
About the only thing worse is including
an obvious dream sequence of them being a great pokemon trainer
before they wake up.
Write out numbers with letters.
Trainers start at ten and “but my
character doesn’t because his parents are protective” had not
stopped being a terrible excuse to change that.
And now you’ve ended before he even
gets a pokemon, so this entire “chapter” is just him saying
he doesn’t have a pokemon but that he’ll be getting one. Nothing at
all has even happened.
(2)
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
If you want to completely change who a
character is by redoing their backstory and crippling them, that’s
called an OC and you should stop insisting they be labeled as a canon
character.
(1)
[- A few months earlier – ]
It’s the start of your story. A few
months earlier than what, exactly?
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
“Its” is possessive, as in
“its story”, and “it’s” means “it is”.
[“Don’t Eevee evolve into Espeon,
Umbreon, or Sylveon out of a tight bond with it’s trainer? How could
she have evolved by stalking me?” ]
Well, as starter pokemon and OT fic
goes, this is certainly different. It turns into dull telling after
that – if you’re casually summarizing their entire first trip
together through a pokemon-infested cave, it makes it hard to believe
anything going on actually matters. I mean, you have a kid who wasn’t
a trainer and only became one because her mysterious graveyard egg
eevee stalker wanted to. Yet she has no trouble with battling her way
through everything they face? There’s no weirdness about issuing
orders when her pokemon is super driven and she doesn’t seem to have
even considered doing this before? No trouble navigating Mt. Moon
with a single pokemon, and when she’s probably never even been
outside her town before?
(0)
[“You see, one of these little
dears is a little different from its peers. Don’t be alarmed,”
she added when she saw the look on their faces, “the pokémon in
question isn’t any worse than any of the others of its kind. The only
difference is that it has slightly differently colouration…” ]
I grant this is a relatively reasonable
setup, but still, why must it always be shinies? Plus you’re avoiding
the professor route so you aren’t locked into the standard set and
the bit with the box of chocolates shows that her aunt is the sort to
do a gamble that does have a wide despairing of outcomes, so one
super-rare species to two more normal ones would seem perfectly in
character. I know she doesn’t actually get it but just…they’re
everywhere!
Anyway, this is amazingly solid. It’s
gratifying to see a mother telling her kid they can’t be a trainer
yet because only ten year olds can handle it, all the characters are
so distinct (including the pokemon themselves!) and Myra’s adorable.
And I love the ending.
(2)
Thus finishes the 16th. We could end
on this good note, but I’m ridiculously behind so no chance, sadly.
Try harder.
(0)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Trainers start at ten.
Write out numbers with letters.
Humans can’t have red eyes.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.
[his peers shifting between
anti-atheist hatred ]
Anti-atheist hatred seems like it
should be hating people who hate athiests.
Well, at least your overage trainer has
been catching pokemon in the meanwhile.
[a shiny Deino ]
I think the best part here is that not
only does he have the obligatory shiny special pokemon, but naturally
the shiny is also the rarest one of the bunch. Can’t say he caught a
shiny murkrow, that might be edging too close to barely plausible,
it’s gotta be the super special dragon/dark type.
[Melchom was atheist himself, and it
warranted a never-ending stream of insults from his Arcean peers. ]
Yes, you said this already.
[The conservative Arcean movement was
growing in Unova, fed by conspiracy theories, an economic depression
and, of course, the belief that Unova was founded as an “Arcean
region”, among other things. ]
This really doesn’t seem to fit.
I assume you’re going off the idea
Unova is America, but Unova isn’t a blank slate belief-wise the way,
say, Kanto is. The game’s storyline revolves around their own widely
held mythology about a dragon and a hero that every last person on
the street seemed not only familiar with but to take seriously. No
one is going to say Unova was founded as an Arcean region because
they’re too busy telling you that it was founded by the legendary
dragon of truth and ideals who then split into two etc etc. They’ve
even got their own second coming bit with the legendary hero and
dragon returning to Unova one day.
And if you’re looking for a region that
just fits what you described, Kalos seems a better fit – money as a
concern comes up all the time, there’s a crackpot with money and
insane beliefs in Lysandre, and there’s a lot of weird moralizing
going on under the surface. You can plunk evangelical Christianity
culture in there without making too many ripples.
If you want to just really double down
on the Arceus as god thing, there’s also the option of setting it in
the region that actually features Arceus. Johto has little to get in
your way and you can easily use Ho-oh as your Christianity stand-in.
There’s no real basis for Hoenn given they’re not really about that,
but the Team Aqua/Magma feud didn’t dominate every aspect of life so
I could easily see another movement shoving them aside without issue.
But Unova? Unova already has things to
build a religious conservative view off of – do they stick to the
status quo or modernize, and how? Do they hew to truth or ideals? How
to they interpret the fact their legendary dragons appeared with
heroes in tow recently? There is plenty of room there for atheist
hate, but it’s not going to be something you can do a
find-and-replace swap with Christianity with.
]Melchom could not count how many times
someone told him he was going to the distortion world because he
“rejected the love of Arceus”. ]
Also, as reason to get hatred, it’s
much more interesting to have people saying the atheists are inviting
ruin upon everyone by rejecting the covenant forged by the legendary
dragon than just that they’ll burn in hell personally.
And also now birth control is illegal,
I guess? I don’t even know where that fits in with this.
[“If you lose, you’ll have to
admit you’re gay to the entire school “. “If I don’t?”
“You won’t win” ]
Having your bully be a homophobe isn’t
particularly progressive when your main character agrees it’s a
horrifying idea. For that and the fact you’re telegraphing the end
from a mile away, I’m just bored by the saga of main character wins
against ridiculous bully caricature.
[“What the fuck is the point of
this?!”She yelled at the police officer with the gun. Okay, so I
was selling the morning after, but I swear there were no drugs!”
Alright young lady, if you keep denying the drug shipment we’ll have
to put you in jail with no trial” the cop said. ]
So all the time you spent saying that
birth control is illegal was pointless because the cops are evil and
going to arrest her for invented charges. This has really gone off
the rails fast.
(0)
There are seven thousand stories just
on this site in this category with “pokemon” in their
title. “New” features in another thousand. There are over
four hundred “chronicles”, more if you include
misspellings, even more with “begins” and “beginning”,
and even more “Character Name”‘s whatever. There are
almost eight hundred with “legend”. There are fourteen
hundred with “journey”, twelve hundred with “story”,
almost three hundred with “quest”, and two thousand with
“adventure”. The different region names appear another
thousand or two times. “Saga”, “region” and
“champion” come in around two hundred. In sum, you should
try to choose an original title that has to do with your story in
particular, not something that indicates it’s yet another story about
a pokemon trainer.
Opening your story with a character
waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and
to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if
I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of
times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some
other, interesting point.
Trainers start at ten.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
This whole chapter was a waste of time.
Start your story where it diverges from how things always go. You
didn’t bother showing your character’s first day of kindergarten to
explain they went to school and learned how to read. You don’t need
to show them getting a pokemon from a professor to explain how they
got a pokemon. Everyone knows already.
(0)
[lent on one hand ]
Lent is the past tense of lend. You
want leaned.
[whilst he spoke ]
Just stop trying to use the fancier
word without regard to how it actually works.
[this ends conversation. ]
End’s. Apostrophe for possessive.
Stop using semicolons.
Get a beta reader, this is a mess.
(0)
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
Spellcheck.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Normally, the abandoned egg Pokemon
socialize a lot, especially because there are generally a lot of
their species here, but 31904 was unique. There was no other
Charmander here, and so he became a recluse. ]
This seems rather forced. A pokemon
that hatches and sees other species around instead of its own would
just see those ones as normal. This sort of thing seems far more
likely if it was raised with plenty of other charmander but all the
rest left.
This doesn’t seem to have a plot. You
just trail off with him checking that the baby pokemon are okay.
(0)
Spellcheck.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
“Its” is possessive, as in
“its story”, and “it’s” means “it is”.
This is cute but it feels rather
unfinished.
(0)
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
(1)
Capitalize your title properly. And the
start of your sentences.
Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
[Pallet town ]
[Doduo drive ]
Capitalize all of a name, not just the
first part of it.
[Xfic starts belowX]
Don’t do this. Even just a line of XXXX
would be less annoying.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
When used in place of a name, it’s
written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it’s
written as such.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Unfortunately the loss of her tail
meant she was unable to use electricity for the most part. ]
Except that it’s their check pouches
that produce the electricity and where it comes from. Their tail
really doesn’t feature. If she evolved there might be some issues,
and even then it wouldn’t be a matter of not being able to produce or
aim electricity.
[Storm looked like any other female of
her species but with one snag. Due to a rare disorder called
electrumus deficient disorder,, she couldn’t really use electricity
only in little spurts. ]
You’re really attached to the idea of
pikachu that can’t use electric attacks.
(0)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
When used in place of a name, it’s
written Dad, in any other constructions like my/her/the dad it’s
written as such.
A kid who doesn’t care about pokemon
isn’t actually a strange new idea (and no, kids aren’t forced to
learn about pokemon and go on journeys). All it generally amounts to
is begging the question of why the story’s focused on the kid.
(0)
Huh. That’s a weird and unsettling
opening – it works better than most creepypasta I’ve seen. It gets
explicable too quickly – the character knowing stuff from before and
that this is a game, and Red’s behavior kills a lot of tension too.
Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
When used in place of a name, it’s
written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it’s
written as such.
(4)
Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
When used in place of a name, it’s
written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it’s
written as such.
“Your” is possessive, as in,
your story, “you’re” means “you are”.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Lymphangioleiomyomatosis* Or LAM for
short. A rare, but often fatal disease that affects woman from the
ages of 20-40, its quite rare, usually only affecting 1 out of a
million or more people I believe. It can be treated I believe… But
for sake of the plot I’m sorry but you gotta die Maiko! :’ ]
THEN USE SOMETHING THAT’S PROPERLY
FATAL. Hell, just have her get hit by a car and die from
complications after a week.
Look,
you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right.
You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be
fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to
complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from
fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick
only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.
(9, of course.)
And that finishes the 17th. Now I’m
just two days behind.
   Fanfiction, Pokemon Fanfic, Reviews      ,

14 Comments

  1. Eh says:
    January 20, 2014 at 5:06 am

    Um yeah hi. Just so you know, humans can in fact have red eyes.

    Reply
    1. Wriggle says:
      January 20, 2014 at 5:22 am

      Not really. People with albinism sometimes appear to have red eyes, but even that’s pretty rare.

      Reply
    2. Wriggle says:
      January 20, 2014 at 5:34 am

      As an addendum, I personally don’t mind weird hair and eye colors in anime-related fandoms. Still, red eyes, and especially heterochromia with one blue, one red eye like in the fic in question, really isn’t a thing in real life.

      Reply
      1. Eh says:
        January 20, 2014 at 7:41 am

        It’s a story. A made up fan story. There are animes and mangas with characters having odd eye and hair colors so what’s the problem? Pokemon aren’t real, so why not decide to have some fun and make your characters eyes odd?

        Reply
        1. Wriggle says:
          January 20, 2014 at 7:51 am

          Like I said, I don’t have a problem with weird eyes and hair in Pokemon fics. I do have a problem with people claiming humans with red eyes are a thing when they’re really not.

          If you think Farla was nitpicking when she brought the red eyes up, just say so. Leave poor maligned facts out of it.

          Reply
        2. actonthat says:
          January 20, 2014 at 12:56 pm

          Oh, come off it. The story in question was clearly going for ~speshul eyes~ and not a cartoon world in which everyone is crazily colored. Physical impossibilities for sues are nothing new, and this was one of them.

          Reply
        3. Ember says:
          January 20, 2014 at 1:30 pm

          Ask yourself: what does it add to the story? Because if it doesn’t have any specific purpose, then for the reader it isn’t “fun” so much as “distracting.”

          Reply
        4. Farla says:
          January 20, 2014 at 1:32 pm

          There are animes and mangas with characters having odd eye and hair colors so what’s the problem?

          Let’s start with the fact this isn’t an anime or manga.

          Reply
    3. Farla says:
      January 20, 2014 at 1:31 pm

      You’ve confused humans with rats – humans are the ones who have blue or violet irises, rats have the bright red balls. It’s an easy mistake to make! When trying to tell them apart, remember that almost all rats will aid a distressed rat but only most humans will aid a distressed human (less if we’ve got something to do).

      Reply
  2. actonthat says:
    January 20, 2014 at 12:57 pm

    I am so, so driven to write a fic where a character gets a normally-colored pokemon and everyone is insanely jealous of its rarity.

    Reply
    1. Wriggle says:
      January 20, 2014 at 1:13 pm

      Do it! :D

      Reply
    2. Farla says:
      January 20, 2014 at 1:32 pm

      Also they have the specialest of sue eyes, dirt brown.

      Reply
  3. Ember says:
    January 20, 2014 at 1:31 pm

    Well, skeevily picking up street trash and making them completely dependent on you is certainly one way of building a ground level for your weird doomsday cult. Too bad that’s not actually what they seem to have been going for.

    Reply
  4. Mini-Farla says:
    May 23, 2016 at 11:19 am

    Do you know what’s causing the formatting wonkiness in these posts, Act? Can they be fixed automatically, or will we have to do it by hand?

    Reply

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