Haven’t hit anything I’d unreservedly call good yet, but more variety today! 

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12302849/1/Kidnapped

[“You don’t have any idea where we are, do you?” Misty glared at Ash.

“Of course I do! We… uh…”

“We’re lost. Admit it.”

“We’re not lost!” Ash said loudly, before scrunching the map up and throwing it on the ground in frustration.

“Hey! Cool it, you two!” Brock said]

I really can’t believe people are still writing this exact opening.

[ Brock was the sensible one of the group, being older and more experienced. With Misty, the orange haired water pokèmon trainer with a temper to match her hair, and Ash, the cocky, raven-haired youngster from Pallet Town, Brock found himself constantly sorting out their petty squabbles.]

In fanfic, you shouldn’t need to tell readers who the characters are.

[“Squirtle!”

“Pika pi, pika!

“I don’t understand. Can you sense something? ” As he said that, Ash heard a twig snap behind them. Ash turnee his head to look, and screamed when something covered his mouth from behind. Ash struggled and managed to pull the hand away, “Pikachu! Squirtle! Attack!” but then a cloth replaced the hand, and Ash found himself feeling drowsy. “Pikachu…” he mumbled weakly]

This doesn’t make sense.

Pokemon are completely capable of acting on their own – you even show that by the fact Pikachu and Squirtle are chattering at Ash. The fact he fell unconscious before they carried out his orders of attacking shouldn’t matter. Even if he’d fallen unconscious without getting off a sound, they’re staring right at him and capable of doing something about it.

If Ash is kidnapped, either his pokemon need to be removed from the picture first or he needs to be separated from them.

[a book about Pokèmon breeding]

[ A Stantler,]

You’re mostly not capitalizing, as is correct, but here you are.

Zero reviews.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12302887/1/Dawn-s-Big-Move

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[ I could see mum ]

[What about Pokemon contests?]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu, or when you’re using a word like “mum” in place of her name. This is because you capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Also, this makes no sense – the point at which you’re a pokemon trainer is the point you’re capable of traveling on your own. If there’s some reason why you want Dawn to feel obligated to go somewhere she doesn’t want to go and which she thinks will mean giving up her dream for at least several years, you’re going to have to have more of a reason for her staying with her mother.

Write out numbers with letters.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12302929/1/Settle-Down-Now-Champ

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Stop dancing around “said”, it’s much worse than overusing it.

You really need an actual plot for a story, not just telling us where people are at the moment and a contrived lack of communication.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12303017/1/The-Queen-and-Her-Little-Princess

[A little OOC AU Ikari]

So it’s a different universe about different characters. Why exactly did you think this should be posted as fanfic, then? If you want to write original fiction, just do that.

One. Seriously, people, of all the fic not to ignore?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12303028/1/Wrath-of-God

spoilerz

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12303193/1/Softboiled

You shouldn’t be labeling scene changes, it should be clear from context.

All chansey are female, so I don’t know why you’re flipflopping between “it” and “they” instead of “she”.

A softboiled egg is one that has been boiled, as in, dead. If you want to use this to make Ash male pokemon pregnant, say the chansey was interrupted before she could softboil the egg.

This is far too short for a first chapter.

One. Why.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12303255/1/Phantom-Project

Possibly there’s some explanation in the previous fic for why even though pokemon can talk (and apparently read and write) they have no rights whatsoever and are weirdly chill about it, but given that’s pretty standard for fanfic I’ll bet not. So: pokemon being exactly as smart as people and clearly talking so everyone knows it yet still being property and living in fear of what’ll happen to them if they don’t have a nice trainer protecting them is creepy, and also it doesn’t make much sense that they would forget about the paperwork like this – for the trainer, it’s no big deal, for them it’s life or death, so they have a lot more incentive to check that it’s still valid.

This probably isn’t a matter of fandom getting crappier, it’s just that it bugs me more and more as no one ever engages it.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12303314/1/Above-the-Skies-of-Ransei

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Two. Somehow, a doubled review from a single signed-in person. Weird.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12303387/1/A-Child-Who-Walks-With-Fire

[ She closed her eyes. If perhaps, this once, she could meditate, her death would take her before she knew it.

So the Lorekeeper closed her eyes and let the pain wash away.]

I am pretty sure that even a meditation champion wouldn’t be able to blank out on being skinless while sinking into salt water. The dreamy feel you have for the whole thing might work for just drowning, or bleeding out while drowning, but seriously, flayed and dumped in the ocean is going to make it hard to think about anything other than that.

[ There is no one who can fulfill the duties of the Lorekeeper as an elder and no youth that have been drenched in it. There is only one. ]

Your wording throughout has a lot of issues. Try reading aloud.

[She touched the bandages that were mysteriously at her waist. Well, it wasn’t mysterious. Even Pokemon Centers knew how to take care of humans.]

I would assume the mystery was why that and only that was bandaged. She was flayed, then some confusingly worded events happened that seemed to mean she was healed but drowning, now she’s got a bandage as if injured but only in one spot.

(Also, why wouldn’t she be at a hospital? Even assuming the person who saved her brought her back there because they didn’t know where the hospital was, it should be pretty easy to move her.)

[Her chocolate brown hair, once short and cut with awkward bathroom scissors, was now the color of pine needles and delicately reaching her neck, skin a birchwood tint.

The Draconid people had always been dark-haired and sandalwood in skin tone, tattooed by flames and the falls of the meteor. The girl looking out of the bathwater was not a Draconid.]

I am not really sure why this seemed like a good idea. Mind you, I’m also not sure how her skin color is different – “sandlewood” and “birchwood” overlap quite a lot in color range, but assuming you mean the white of the not-black sections of birch /bark/, then kind of awkward to take one of the few characters who are darker skinned and make them light when they’re actually featuring in your fic.

[She was very lucky that near-death and no identifying paperwork allowed her to be a part of the funds used to care for emergencies.]

There is a lot of canon suggesting that human health care, like pokemon care, is just free.

[Like this, she looked like a thief. A soot covered thief.]

…or did you think birchwood is darker than sandlewood? Because it is really not a color that’s “sooty”, and neither is green hair. If you wanted her to be darker than the Draconids, and also you’re really committed to only communicating skin color through wood comparisons, there are actual dark woods.

[If she had any money to her name, she could just buy a pokeball and go shroomish hunting (she had studied many pokemon in her training and they were a good fighter for early gyms and general survival), but she needed money and patience.]

And…not really. They cost as much as a can of soda and you can find them lying around. If you need a reason she can’t get a pokemon easily, lacking a license might work.

Also I’m not sure why her great knowledge of pokemon tells her best pokemon to start with is the one that sheds poison constantly.

[After a while of watching wurmple climb trees and silken webs fly about (why did almost every bug type know String Shot? Surely not every bug created silk in the past!)]

I have no idea what you’re trying to say here.

[It blinked its blue eyes at her, even in the dark of the trees its white color shining like a freshly cleaned bone. It almost reminded her of the dragon skeletons harvested for Key Containers. Aster squinted and saw the stubby arms and wisp of a body in the outline of the darkness.

She made to make a noise and could not, mouth moving with little more than creaking flesh and bone. It paused, blinking again. Birch type phantump,]

…okay, guess that confirms you meant “white” with birchwood, I guess. For future reference, something-wood means the colors of the wood inside the tree and birches (and most other trees) aren’t the same color as their bark. More a yellowy tan, really. Also, it seems contrived that she’s running into something sharing a description with her like that – although maybe it’d have worked if the idea was the phantump was the dead version of her and that influenced her reincarnation or whatever, and that’s why she’s birchy with green hair.

[He has just learned psychic, said the mysterious voice. He will be your voice, and you his friend. Good luck.]

I’m not really sure that was a fix you needed, especially when she hasn’t even had any problems from it yet. She’s literate and her fellow humans, at least, can read. If you’re going to make a point about how your character is disabled, it’s cheap to give her a magic solution immediately afterward.

I get the impression people can’t figure out how a mute character would communicate with others. At least, in SYOCverse, one author said Kit had to have only a minor speech impediment and another had Kit just stand around being dead silent. It’s only a big problem for a standard million-battle badge quest, and even then, having telepathic communication with your pokemon would do it without needing them to double as your mic.

Anyway, it’s particularly annoying when this fic is tagged with “disabled character” as if the author’s trying to get points for it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12303395/1/Alolan-Therapy

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You really don’t need to spend paragraph upon paragraph explaining Ash is visiting Alola. People are entirely capable of working that out from the fact he’s in Alola and transportation exists. Just skip to the part where the actual story is taking place.

Three, one a flame.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12303441/1/NQJFF

[It was Dusk in victorell city, ]

Proper nouns are capitalized and common nouns aren’t. Go look up what those are.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

It’s “okay”, four letters.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12303446/1/Perceptive-As-A-Brick-Wall

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Ash crunched on one of said cookies as he spoke]

Please don’t use the “of said” construction. I don’t know where people got the idea it’s supposed to be used this commonly. “one of the” “one of those” etc would be appropriate, this is just a clunky nightmare of a sentence.

[Serena simply stared at him, flabbergasted, the only noise she made in response being the twitching, which had only gotten worse.]

The real question is, she already knows he’s a dense idiot, so why did she think doing a bunch of subtle things was the way to confess her love instead of saying it out loud. At a certain point it’s not just Ash who can’t get a clue.

Seven, because shipping. At least this one has a plot structure, I guess.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12303502/1/Trainer

[You remember that the minimum age requirement for starting trainers is ten, right? Well, that got scrapped. The authorities finally realized that the casualties toll for trainers in the wild was really high]

You remember how everyone else already decided to do this with this exact explanation, and then all those fics sucked?

[Plus, there were a couple of nasty, ground-shaking experiences across the globe several years back, such as the Team Rocket events in Kanto and Johto, the near destruction of Mt Coronet in Sinnoh, the end-of-the-world crisis at some town in Kalos, etc. There were always some ten-year-olds who took care of that stuff anyway, but most of them were shaken and had traumatic experiences later in their lives. ]

Are you seriously arguing that the fact only the intervention of ten year olds saved everyone else was used as an argument against arming ten year olds. I assume your world doesn’t have firemen any longer, either.

[future trainers are allowed to keep one pokemon with them for four school years during the age of 10-14, so that they will have one pokemon that will listen to them in case the starter pokemon does not. I guess that rule does make a lot of sense, since only the top three students in each school get a starter pokemon from the regional professor, and that the rest of the suckers have to make do with their parents money. Plus, you aren’t allowed to battle with that pokemon during your time as a student, so most people aren’t going to die.]

Wow, their intense concern for kids getting killed means they ban practice battling to make absolutely sure they start with a weakling that can’t protect them. That’s stupid even by the low, low standards of these fics, so I’m just going to quit now and spare myself the rest.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12303529/1/Shining-Time

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

This fic really does not work as a standalone and should’ve been included in your regular fic. The characters are hard to follow because you’re just dropping into the dynamic without explanation, presumably because you already introduced them in the other story, and major plot events evidently also happened that you aren’t even summarizing clearly.

[What shiny pokemon did they obtain, and more importantly, why were they the first one to find it? Were they absurdly lucky? ]

I really don’t think you thought this through.

There are three ways to get a shiny: catching it by luck, breeding it, or buying it from someone who did the other two. They’re just regular pokemon who are a weird color. There is just not much here. I mean – [why and how it’s affected their life. ] It didn’t. It’s exactly the same as any other pokemon except it sparkles and you have to worry a bit more about theft.

[How did they catch it? Did the shiny pokemon want to go with them? Did they have food? Did it try to escape, but your trainer was too strong? What does your trainer bring to the table that made the shiny pokemon interested in them (or, if you want to play the nonconsensual angle, unable to resist them)?]

They beat it up and caught it, like every other pokemon. The very fact it’s incredibly rare means you’re not going to get any alternative stories of making friends – no one going through the trouble of getting one is going to have take no for an answer, unless you’re hoping for a pile of sues who just so happened to find an injured shiny and never an injured anything else. Your chosen subject actually closes off almost all of the interesting variation in how people get and relate to pokemon.

Even assuming a show just devoted to such a specific thing would run, it’d be getting attention because people like seeing shiny pokemon, which doesn’t work for a bunch of written entries. A show about people with weird pokemon (or just troublesome ones like the stantler) would make way more sense and could still include a handful of shiny pokemon.

Zero. Also dammit, when will people accept there is only one purpose to making a big deal about a shiny pokemon and it’s to establish someone’s enough of an asshole to care?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12303551/1/Perfect-Epitome

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[But anyways, have you ever heard of rivalry love?”

Of course May heard of it before, she goes through manga as much as she eats.

“You guys are totally meant for each other.” Leaf laughed.

“Pfft…” May snorted.

“You two are neck to neck in studying. You two argue, just like how all rivalry couples do.”]

Yeah no that’s bullshit. If a girl’s complaining a guy treats her like dirt, the answer isn’t to tell her she’s just pretending to be mad and should embrace having an abusive asshole as a boyfriend. Go read more manga and pay more attention to the fact there is, at least in the halfway decent stories, something more going on than just “boy is asshole, girl is secretly into that”.

…oh boy it ends with hilarious assault that’s okay because he said she liked it and then all her friends are soo happy for her and going on about them being the perfect couple because her friends are scumbags.

Seriously, there cannot be so many shitty manga in the world that you’ve never seen a non-horrible version of this trope.

The middle is also terrible but I didn’t want to deal with it.

One, about how cute it is.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12303584/1/Red-Ashes-The-Battle-of-the-Decade

Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” used for dialogue and makes it look like your character is speaking aloud.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Saying “a whole bunch of training happened, ps here’s how I gave Ash a mew!!” is not a plot.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12303553/1/From-the-Morning-Stars

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Two.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12303793/1/Moonlight-of-Serenity

[Normal: “Speaking”

Bold: “Pokemon Speak”

Italics: “Thoughts”]

That’s a horrible idea, particularly the thoughts. If you need to mark thoughts, just italics is fine. Italics and quotation marks make it sound like it’s being shouted, which is the polar opposite of what you want thoughts to read as.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

This appears to be some sort of Sailor Moon thing that revolves around crystal magic and not, you know, pokemon.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12303853/1/Galactic-travels-the-Great-War

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Yeah you really did not need surprise rape for drama.

[Finally, the man stopped struggling. The eevee stared at me, blood trickling down its snout. His snout. It was a male. He walked towards me and rubbed himself against my leg. My shivering stopped. I sat down and hugged the eevee.

A policeman and my father arrived, running.

“Cyrus!” My father lifted me off the ground and squeezed me against his chest. “Do you realize how scared you got me? Are you hurt?”

“Eevee saved me.”

The policeman crouched down near the man who had attacked me and felt his pulse. “He’s alive, but given his injuries, I don’t think he will survive.” The policeman stood up and turned to me. “What happened, Cyrus?” I didn’t answer. I stared at him. Then I told my father, “I wanna go home.”

“We’re going home.”

“Can Eevee come with us?”

“If he wants.”]

So to be clear here – all anyone else sees is an eevee covered in blood and a dying man. Cyrus doesn’t attempt to explain what happened, and you explicitly say he gets his clothes back on first so they can’t even guess. And the police officer is totally fine with watching this guy bleed out and letting the murdering eevee go home with a kid.

(And, given normal eevee are brown, apparently random deus ex popular pokemon is also a shiny.)

Maybe think a bit more about what you’re writing and if it makes any sense next time.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12303861/1/The-More-They-Stay-The-Same

Hilariously fitting title as this is someone who’s been churning out pokeshipping fic and banned me from reviewing ages ago.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12303898/1/Falling

[“…What’s a Pokemon Ranger doing here?” the woman questioned.]

“Questioned” isn’t a synonym for “asked”, it’s closer to a nicer version of “interrogated”.

[He exhaled shakily, his body protesting as Ben tried to move – to do something in an attempt to save himself – but his staraptor had long since flown off.]

You did just say he’d captured the pidgey, which might not be able to hold him stable but could certainly help slow his fall at the least. And if you’re going with realism and death by falling, you should consider that a ranger would probably pack a parachute or be trained in the fact falls from even a great height are survivable – that’s not such a priority lesson our world but in our world the average person isn’t balancing on top of a giant bird’s back. He could easily have a parachute that gets wrecked by the attack or something, and be either too injured or just not lucky enough to get the right angle for hitting the water (or drown afterward – it’d actually be a twist for someone not to just die by falling but by the complications that result from it).

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12303906/1/Champion

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

This really seems like a lot of fuss over nothing. You spend half the fic just on him talking to his pokemon about how he has some big important thing to say and Lance worrying about what the big important thing is, and then it’s something as anticlimactic as quitting but Lance spends the other half of the chapter acting like the sky is falling. Champions seem to come and go in the games quite regularly and there’s other reasons to quit as champion than just because you think you’re not good enough, especially when you bring up that being champion takes a lot of time and makes it extremely hard to travel around. And in the end the drama isn’t even important because this is all just an incredibly drawn out lead in to saying that actually, the story’s about Ash taking over as champion.

Three.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12303935/1/It-s-a-Bet

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

One.