Twenty-four pages worth of reviews today, which…made me stay bout as far back as when I started.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9980222/1/Rehabilitation-of-the-Not-So-Clinically-Insane
[navy vest, and red tie, along with her
white tiered skirt, blue tights, and shoes. She grabbed a pair of
olive cross laced shorts from her bag, and unbuttoned her shirt a
bit. Emma was already wearing her orange midriff halter top that Fin
had given to her as a gift, along with black shorts. ]
white tiered skirt, blue tights, and shoes. She grabbed a pair of
olive cross laced shorts from her bag, and unbuttoned her shirt a
bit. Emma was already wearing her orange midriff halter top that Fin
had given to her as a gift, along with black shorts. ]
[throwing on her boater had with a red
stripe and a blue ribbon, and her black laced boots. Emma tossed on a
yellow pokeball baby doll shirt that she grabbed from Fin’s red
enamel-striped bag. ]
stripe and a blue ribbon, and her black laced boots. Emma tossed on a
yellow pokeball baby doll shirt that she grabbed from Fin’s red
enamel-striped bag. ]
[Fin but back on her waist coat and
tie, her white tiered scalloped skirt, and navy tights. She brushed
out her curly hair, turning it wavy, and pulled it back into a
ponytail. Emma put on her beige trench coat dress, black tights, and
brown saddle shoes. ]
tie, her white tiered scalloped skirt, and navy tights. She brushed
out her curly hair, turning it wavy, and pulled it back into a
ponytail. Emma put on her beige trench coat dress, black tights, and
brown saddle shoes. ]
You have a really bad habit of listing
things. Just because the newest game gave us specific clothing items
doesn’t mean you need to stuff as many as you can in. The same goes
for your later pokemon battle – you don’t need to list every type
of pokemon.
things. Just because the newest game gave us specific clothing items
doesn’t mean you need to stuff as many as you can in. The same goes
for your later pokemon battle – you don’t need to list every type
of pokemon.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
“Its” is possessive, as in
“its story”, and “it’s” means “it is”.
“its story”, and “it’s” means “it is”.
(0)
This kind of thing isn’t what the
site’s for. If you really want it here, make a forum and post it
there.
site’s for. If you really want it here, make a forum and post it
there.
(0)
Don’t use ”
for thoughts. It just looks like your character is talking to
themself.
for thoughts. It just looks like your character is talking to
themself.
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Paragraphing has
rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not
to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means
you start a new paragraph.
rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not
to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means
you start a new paragraph.
Write out numbers
with letters.
with letters.
(0)
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
(2)
You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
[“Okay
Weepinbell, use Stun Spore.” Lass Kay ordered.
Weepinbell, use Stun Spore.” Lass Kay ordered.
Weepinbell released its Stun Spore attack, but May had an idea.
“Dodge and use Aerial Ace!” May commanded.
Swellow used its Aerial Ace attack and it hit Weepinbell
perfectly.
“Finish it off with Gust!” May said.
Swellow used Gust to send Weepinbell and Lass Kay flying
across the Gym.
“Bleah! I hope Erika wipes you out!” Lass Kay said
bitterly before storming off.
Next in line was Beauty Bridget.
“Welcome. I was starting to get
bored.” Beauty Bridget seemed for friendlier than Kay. May
decided to use Absol in this match and it beat Bridget’s Oddish and
Bellsprout rather easily.]
bored.” Beauty Bridget seemed for friendlier than Kay. May
decided to use Absol in this match and it beat Bridget’s Oddish and
Bellsprout rather easily.]
Your battles are incredibly boring.
First, you need more description than
Pokemon 1 used Attack Name hitting Pokemon 2. Think about what the
attack would look and feel like, and how the other pokemon might
respond to getting hit.
Pokemon 1 used Attack Name hitting Pokemon 2. Think about what the
attack would look and feel like, and how the other pokemon might
respond to getting hit.
Second, you need more to the flow of
battle than trainer attack/pokemon used attack. Maybe the pokemon
isn’t very good at one attack and hesitates or flubs it. Maybe it’s
good at it and it uses the same move several times to batter its
opponent without being told. Maybe the other pokemon hearing the
attack called does something like try to run back and get more
distance or charge to interrupt the move.
battle than trainer attack/pokemon used attack. Maybe the pokemon
isn’t very good at one attack and hesitates or flubs it. Maybe it’s
good at it and it uses the same move several times to batter its
opponent without being told. Maybe the other pokemon hearing the
attack called does something like try to run back and get more
distance or charge to interrupt the move.
Third, you need to figure out what the
stakes of a battle are. If her pokemon are strong enough that the
undertrainers are no big deal, then there’s nothing at stake and it
just serves to make the upcoming gym battle less interesting, because
after seeing her crush everyone else, it’s hard to believe the gym
leader will matter much either. And if she does lose to the gym
leader, what would it actually mean? There’s no concern about her
pokemon getting battered and her own personality is so flat that I
don’t know if she’d even really care about a loss or just come back
five minutes later for a rematch like a player in one of the games.
stakes of a battle are. If her pokemon are strong enough that the
undertrainers are no big deal, then there’s nothing at stake and it
just serves to make the upcoming gym battle less interesting, because
after seeing her crush everyone else, it’s hard to believe the gym
leader will matter much either. And if she does lose to the gym
leader, what would it actually mean? There’s no concern about her
pokemon getting battered and her own personality is so flat that I
don’t know if she’d even really care about a loss or just come back
five minutes later for a rematch like a player in one of the games.
(0)
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
(4, what the hell people.)
Use spellcheck.
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Write out numbers
with letters.
with letters.
[“Ok well
back to what we were talking about;”Lucario replied while Ash
mentally cursed himself.]
back to what we were talking about;”Lucario replied while Ash
mentally cursed himself.]
“Okay”
is four letters and here it should be followed with a comma. I don’t
know what that semicolon is doing there at all. There need to be a
space between the quotation mark and the next word.
is four letters and here it should be followed with a comma. I don’t
know what that semicolon is doing there at all. There need to be a
space between the quotation mark and the next word.
[Your constantly ]
“Your” is possessive, as in,
your story, “you’re” means “you are”.
your story, “you’re” means “you are”.
Don’t label
flashbacks, write well enough that it’s obvious that’s going on
without a big bolded FLASHBACK and END FLASHBACK.
flashbacks, write well enough that it’s obvious that’s going on
without a big bolded FLASHBACK and END FLASHBACK.
You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
(5???)
Two words does not a chapter make.
There are seven thousand stories just
on this site in this category with “pokemon” in their
title. “New” features in another thousand. There are over
four hundred “chronicles”, more if you include
misspellings, even more with “begins” and “beginning”,
and even more “Character Name”‘s whatever. There are almost
eight hundred with “legend”. There are fourteen hundred
with “journey”, twelve hundred with “story”,
almost three hundred with “quest”, and two thousand with
“adventure”. The different region names appear another
thousand or two times. “Saga”, “region” and
“champion” come in around two hundred. In sum, you should
try to choose an original title that has to do with your story in
particular, not something that indicates it’s yet another story about
a pokemon trainer.
on this site in this category with “pokemon” in their
title. “New” features in another thousand. There are over
four hundred “chronicles”, more if you include
misspellings, even more with “begins” and “beginning”,
and even more “Character Name”‘s whatever. There are almost
eight hundred with “legend”. There are fourteen hundred
with “journey”, twelve hundred with “story”,
almost three hundred with “quest”, and two thousand with
“adventure”. The different region names appear another
thousand or two times. “Saga”, “region” and
“champion” come in around two hundred. In sum, you should
try to choose an original title that has to do with your story in
particular, not something that indicates it’s yet another story about
a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“Now what is our name?” she
asked.]
asked.]
You presumably mean “your”
and also what sort of idiot doesn’t recognize a marill?
and also what sort of idiot doesn’t recognize a marill?
[She is my assistant, Tracey’s. ]
What you said here is that the marill
is his assistant, named Tracy’s. “She belongs to my assistant,
Tracy.” is probably more what you meant to say.
is his assistant, named Tracy’s. “She belongs to my assistant,
Tracy.” is probably more what you meant to say.
[“That one is Bulbasaur,”
began Prof. Oak. “Bulbasaur are generally very easy to tame and
care for. They are very powerful and usually know many moves. This
one is male and he is very proud and he loves to win. That one is
Charmander. Charmander usually become the powerhouse of any team,
because they as well their evolutions are very strong. This one is
female and is very flirty and bubbly. That is a Squirtle. They are
the hardest of all to care for. They are usually very high
maintenance and feel that they are above their trainer. This one is a
female and she is shy.” ]
began Prof. Oak. “Bulbasaur are generally very easy to tame and
care for. They are very powerful and usually know many moves. This
one is male and he is very proud and he loves to win. That one is
Charmander. Charmander usually become the powerhouse of any team,
because they as well their evolutions are very strong. This one is
female and is very flirty and bubbly. That is a Squirtle. They are
the hardest of all to care for. They are usually very high
maintenance and feel that they are above their trainer. This one is a
female and she is shy.” ]
What? Charmander are temperamental
glass canons who take the most experience (care) to level.
glass canons who take the most experience (care) to level.
[Clementine was given two hours with
the Pokemon. She realized that Charmander seemed too airheaded. She
couldn’t even touch the Squirtle. She turned to Bulbasaur. He was
showing off his vines. She decided she wanted Squirtle. ]
the Pokemon. She realized that Charmander seemed too airheaded. She
couldn’t even touch the Squirtle. She turned to Bulbasaur. He was
showing off his vines. She decided she wanted Squirtle. ]
So she picked the one who she couldn’t
get near and obviously didn’t like her because apparently the
bulbsaur being enthusiastic and showing what a good battler he’d be
was some sort of mark against him.
get near and obviously didn’t like her because apparently the
bulbsaur being enthusiastic and showing what a good battler he’d be
was some sort of mark against him.
To compare to last time I did that:
There are four thousand stories just on this site in this
category with “pokemon” in their title. There are three
hundred “chronicles”, more if you include misspellings,
almost as many with “begins” and “beginning”, and
even more “Character Name”‘s whatever. There are more than
five hundred with “legend”. There are over nine hundred
with “journey”, eight hundred and fifty with “story”,
two hundred with “quest”, and eleven hundred with
“adventure”. “Kanto”, “Johto”, and
“Sinnoh” shows up over two hundred times, “Hoenn”
over one hundred and fifty, and “Unova” about one hundred
times. “Saga”, “region” and “champion”
come in at nearly a hundred and fifty. In sum, you should try to
choose an original title that has to do with your story in
particular, not something that indicates it’s yet another story about
a pokemon trainer.
There are four thousand stories just on this site in this
category with “pokemon” in their title. There are three
hundred “chronicles”, more if you include misspellings,
almost as many with “begins” and “beginning”, and
even more “Character Name”‘s whatever. There are more than
five hundred with “legend”. There are over nine hundred
with “journey”, eight hundred and fifty with “story”,
two hundred with “quest”, and eleven hundred with
“adventure”. “Kanto”, “Johto”, and
“Sinnoh” shows up over two hundred times, “Hoenn”
over one hundred and fifty, and “Unova” about one hundred
times. “Saga”, “region” and “champion”
come in at nearly a hundred and fifty. In sum, you should try to
choose an original title that has to do with your story in
particular, not something that indicates it’s yet another story about
a pokemon trainer.
[She wanted a Pokemon, but Squirtle was
way too scared and shy to battle ]
way too scared and shy to battle ]
Then she should go back to the
professor, apologize for being stupid and self-centered, and say she
wants to exchange the squirtle for a pokemon that won’t be miserable
with her.
professor, apologize for being stupid and self-centered, and say she
wants to exchange the squirtle for a pokemon that won’t be miserable
with her.
[Garnet was a nice kid and he was
Clementine’s friend. He was scheduled to get his starter the day
after Clementine was. The other was Slate. Slate was mean. He always
teased both Garnet and Clementine. Clementine ran up to her former
neighbors. ]
Clementine’s friend. He was scheduled to get his starter the day
after Clementine was. The other was Slate. Slate was mean. He always
teased both Garnet and Clementine. Clementine ran up to her former
neighbors. ]
Why on earth does she want to talk to
both of them? She and Garnet are friends, and they both have reason
to avoid Slate.
both of them? She and Garnet are friends, and they both have reason
to avoid Slate.
[“Well,” said Slate, “your
Squirtle looks timid, your Pineco is untrained and your Pidgey is way
too skinny.”
Squirtle looks timid, your Pineco is untrained and your Pidgey is way
too skinny.”
Garnet took out his three Pokemon: Charmander, Metapod, and a
Farfetch’d. Slate made comments on his Pokemon also.]
1) That’s not teasing, that’s a
statement of fact.
statement of fact.
2) And what did he actually say about
Garnet’s pokemon?
Garnet’s pokemon?
And now your newbie trainer wins
against a gym leader’s graveler and golem in her first battle ever.
Your pacing is horrible.
against a gym leader’s graveler and golem in her first battle ever.
Your pacing is horrible.
Is this some elaborate attempt at
trolling me personally? I don’t even know.
trolling me personally? I don’t even know.
Well, I guess I’m impressed you did
what few OT fic does and just skipped huge chunks of the boring
battle parts. Of course, the only other stuff in your story are a
couple of the remaining boring battle parts, so.
what few OT fic does and just skipped huge chunks of the boring
battle parts. Of course, the only other stuff in your story are a
couple of the remaining boring battle parts, so.
[“You know, Clementine, I am going
to try my luck in the Johto region. I am going to leave all of my
Pokemon with Prof. Oak except for a select few. Why don’t you?”
Garnet said.
to try my luck in the Johto region. I am going to leave all of my
Pokemon with Prof. Oak except for a select few. Why don’t you?”
Garnet said.
“Maybe…” she said.]
Literally the only reason Ash did that
was so they could continue the show, give him new pokemon and
handwave away why he never seems to actually get any stronger. It is
not a decision that makes any sense for people to make.
was so they could continue the show, give him new pokemon and
handwave away why he never seems to actually get any stronger. It is
not a decision that makes any sense for people to make.
Anyway, this whole thing was painfully
boring. You need a plot for your OT fic, not just a couple scenes of
battles.
boring. You need a plot for your OT fic, not just a couple scenes of
battles.
(0)
Script format:
still banned.
still banned.
You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
(0)
Script format:
still banned. And you’re not even doing that right.
still banned. And you’re not even doing that right.
You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
(1)
It’s “okay”,
four letters.
four letters.
“Its” is
possessive, as in “its story”, and “it’s” means
“it is”.
possessive, as in “its story”, and “it’s” means
“it is”.
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Write out numbers
with letters.
with letters.
You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
(0)
Write out numbers
with letters.
with letters.
[For example, scientists were able to
create a new breed of police dogs; smart, loyal and able to defend
themselves by breathing fire. It’s proven useful to have this extra
layer of protection for our officers. In the medical field,
scientists perfected a breed of bat whose supersonic rays were able
to replace X-rays.]
create a new breed of police dogs; smart, loyal and able to defend
themselves by breathing fire. It’s proven useful to have this extra
layer of protection for our officers. In the medical field,
scientists perfected a breed of bat whose supersonic rays were able
to replace X-rays.]
No. You’ll notice we don’t arm our
police with flamethrowers. That’s because defending yourself by
lighting everything on fire is generally counterproductive to
civilized life. Similarly, supersonic would be the opposite of
x-rays. If supersonic waves went through matter like x-rays do, they
wouldn’t be bouncing back to report the shape of that matter, now
would they? There’s also the fact that supersonic and x-rays refer to
the actual physical properties of the things in question.
police with flamethrowers. That’s because defending yourself by
lighting everything on fire is generally counterproductive to
civilized life. Similarly, supersonic would be the opposite of
x-rays. If supersonic waves went through matter like x-rays do, they
wouldn’t be bouncing back to report the shape of that matter, now
would they? There’s also the fact that supersonic and x-rays refer to
the actual physical properties of the things in question.
Instead of saying they created some
pokemon and then all the rest just sprang into existence
accidentally, it would make a lot more sense to say they created
modified animals for one purpose, then they ended up with a lot more
abilities than intended once things went out of control. For example,
growlithe might originate as police and firefighter dogs bred to be
extremely resistant to heat and cold, with the ability to shoot fire
coming later.
pokemon and then all the rest just sprang into existence
accidentally, it would make a lot more sense to say they created
modified animals for one purpose, then they ended up with a lot more
abilities than intended once things went out of control. For example,
growlithe might originate as police and firefighter dogs bred to be
extremely resistant to heat and cold, with the ability to shoot fire
coming later.
[For the nurses and criminal
psychologists, they created a compassionate caretaker whose only
desire is to breed health and happiness. That it does; this creature
carries an egg around in its pouch and anyone who takes a bit becomes
unfailingly kind to everyone. ]
psychologists, they created a compassionate caretaker whose only
desire is to breed health and happiness. That it does; this creature
carries an egg around in its pouch and anyone who takes a bit becomes
unfailingly kind to everyone. ]
This is a problem in another direction
– if they had the ability to make a chemical that makes people happy,
why would they bother creating chansey and having that be one of the
many effects of their egg instead of just manufacturing the pill?
Think about what circumstances you would need an autonomous creature
handing out happymaking food instead of just giving people a
prescription for it. Disaster relief, perhaps – chansey could be used
to keep the displaced people in shelters calmer and happier, so those
places don’t need much oversight. If they’re designed to be able to
eat tainted or otherwise indigestable food and convert it into the
egg for human consumption, then they’d also be useful as a safety
measure if transporting food was a problem.
– if they had the ability to make a chemical that makes people happy,
why would they bother creating chansey and having that be one of the
many effects of their egg instead of just manufacturing the pill?
Think about what circumstances you would need an autonomous creature
handing out happymaking food instead of just giving people a
prescription for it. Disaster relief, perhaps – chansey could be used
to keep the displaced people in shelters calmer and happier, so those
places don’t need much oversight. If they’re designed to be able to
eat tainted or otherwise indigestable food and convert it into the
egg for human consumption, then they’d also be useful as a safety
measure if transporting food was a problem.
Think longer about what the actual
purposes of various pokemon might have been, remembering they don’t
have to be perfect fits because they could always develop further
once things went haywire.
purposes of various pokemon might have been, remembering they don’t
have to be perfect fits because they could always develop further
once things went haywire.
[The engineering has had some dreadful
side-effects; particularly on the insect population. Grasshoppers
have grown four feet tall with arms like blades. The bees are the
size of birds with two poison stingers and even more temperamental
than the worst wasps. The cockroaches have grown as well; they’re
almost as tall as a person, once you include the deadly pincers that
protrude from their foreheads. Even the butterflies have the ability
to release stun spores when they feel threatened. What’s worse, these
mutants have forced the normal animals out of the ecosystem
completely. Harmless mice have been phased out and replaced by mice
that can give you a nasty electric shock if you get too close. Squids
have been replaced by breeds that can shock a person into seizures
and drag them under the water while they can do nothing but twitch.]
side-effects; particularly on the insect population. Grasshoppers
have grown four feet tall with arms like blades. The bees are the
size of birds with two poison stingers and even more temperamental
than the worst wasps. The cockroaches have grown as well; they’re
almost as tall as a person, once you include the deadly pincers that
protrude from their foreheads. Even the butterflies have the ability
to release stun spores when they feel threatened. What’s worse, these
mutants have forced the normal animals out of the ecosystem
completely. Harmless mice have been phased out and replaced by mice
that can give you a nasty electric shock if you get too close. Squids
have been replaced by breeds that can shock a person into seizures
and drag them under the water while they can do nothing but twitch.]
That’s not how you use semicolons. Just
don’t use them, okay?
don’t use them, okay?
Anyway, making fire dogs would not have
any side-effects on completely unrelated animals. That’s just not how
things work. More, the real problem would not be that the insects are
all giant mankillers, but that your ecosystem has just lost all
smaller animals. You can’t replace mice with pikachu. Pikachu are
gigantic.
any side-effects on completely unrelated animals. That’s just not how
things work. More, the real problem would not be that the insects are
all giant mankillers, but that your ecosystem has just lost all
smaller animals. You can’t replace mice with pikachu. Pikachu are
gigantic.
This works better if you tie things
together more coherently. If the environment was in bad shape, maybe
some people thought scyther were a good way of countering illegal
logging efforts – it’s sort of like how environmentalists would hide
spikes in trees to dissuade logging attempts, only with giant
psychotic monsters. Having multiple groups with varying ideas of how
things should be (and varying levels of competence) is a much better
way of ending up with a lot of different creatures that don’t work
well overall. And making plants take on more animallike traits would
probably completely wreck the smaller levels of the ecosystem, which
largely involve decomposition (the plants are probably starting to do
that directly) and seed dispersal (no longer needed). Before you know
it, all the smaller insects are extinct, oak trees are strangling the
squirrels and the scyther are spreading in a wave across the country.
together more coherently. If the environment was in bad shape, maybe
some people thought scyther were a good way of countering illegal
logging efforts – it’s sort of like how environmentalists would hide
spikes in trees to dissuade logging attempts, only with giant
psychotic monsters. Having multiple groups with varying ideas of how
things should be (and varying levels of competence) is a much better
way of ending up with a lot of different creatures that don’t work
well overall. And making plants take on more animallike traits would
probably completely wreck the smaller levels of the ecosystem, which
largely involve decomposition (the plants are probably starting to do
that directly) and seed dispersal (no longer needed). Before you know
it, all the smaller insects are extinct, oak trees are strangling the
squirrels and the scyther are spreading in a wave across the country.
[But the madness doesn’t end there.
With every animal in the world gaining some sort of ability, be it an
element like fire or water or even psychic power, some humans became
jealous and desired to have this power for them. In 2035, a rebel
group broke into the lab and stole one of the serums. ]
With every animal in the world gaining some sort of ability, be it an
element like fire or water or even psychic power, some humans became
jealous and desired to have this power for them. In 2035, a rebel
group broke into the lab and stole one of the serums. ]
Speaking of tying this together, this
is not how to do it. You’re describing a world where most animal life
and plenty of plant life is suddenly able to murder us. It wouldn’t
be some random assholes being jealous, it’d be desperate people
trying to find a solution to the disaster their world is turning
into.
is not how to do it. You’re describing a world where most animal life
and plenty of plant life is suddenly able to murder us. It wouldn’t
be some random assholes being jealous, it’d be desperate people
trying to find a solution to the disaster their world is turning
into.
[Responses to this new phenomenon have
varied. Some still call for extermination, but it’s too late; there
are no normal creatures left to replace them. We would have to begin
again from scratch, which in all likeliness would solve nothing. ]
varied. Some still call for extermination, but it’s too late; there
are no normal creatures left to replace them. We would have to begin
again from scratch, which in all likeliness would solve nothing. ]
What? It would solve literally
everything. If you can make designer creatures, you’re using genetic
engineering. If you’re using genetic engineering, it doesn’t matter
if all mice are extinct as long as you’ve got a few corpses full of
DNA left anywhere in the world – and we already have existing DNA
banks of lots of animals to guard against this! Even assuming
“rebels” or something eliminated all that for some reason,
there’s no reason they can’t just make normal creatures, they won’t
automatically turn dragon-type just because they were made
artificially. The real problem is obviously that they flat-out can’t
exterminate these things because humanity doesn’t have the firepower
to wage war on animals that shoot laser beams, and also the
destruction that should be causing has probably already caused human
society to collapse, which makes it hard to find people who still
know how to make creatures on demand.
everything. If you can make designer creatures, you’re using genetic
engineering. If you’re using genetic engineering, it doesn’t matter
if all mice are extinct as long as you’ve got a few corpses full of
DNA left anywhere in the world – and we already have existing DNA
banks of lots of animals to guard against this! Even assuming
“rebels” or something eliminated all that for some reason,
there’s no reason they can’t just make normal creatures, they won’t
automatically turn dragon-type just because they were made
artificially. The real problem is obviously that they flat-out can’t
exterminate these things because humanity doesn’t have the firepower
to wage war on animals that shoot laser beams, and also the
destruction that should be causing has probably already caused human
society to collapse, which makes it hard to find people who still
know how to make creatures on demand.
(0)
Bios and such
aren’t stories and therefore can’t be posted by themselves.
Furthermore, you should never be in a position where posting one is
necessary – if any of this matters, it should be coming up in the
story itself. If it won’t be, then it can’t possibly matter enough
that you need to tell someone.
aren’t stories and therefore can’t be posted by themselves.
Furthermore, you should never be in a position where posting one is
necessary – if any of this matters, it should be coming up in the
story itself. If it won’t be, then it can’t possibly matter enough
that you need to tell someone.
(0)
Oh, this is nice.
Hunger Games meets Nuzlocke and actually make something plausible
sounding together. I particularly like the idea of the tournament
grounds being the gameworld, with all the pretty hidden areas and
shiny baubles you find being manufactured for the viewer’s
entertainment. I wish you’d gone a bit more into the mechanics behind
it – is it all the poor kids or do they pick? Is there a middle class
in this world or is it just wealthy/slums? How is this all enforced –
is the level of technology and power the wealthy have so much that
even extremely powerful pokemon are about as threatening to them as
giving someone a nice sword would be to us?
Hunger Games meets Nuzlocke and actually make something plausible
sounding together. I particularly like the idea of the tournament
grounds being the gameworld, with all the pretty hidden areas and
shiny baubles you find being manufactured for the viewer’s
entertainment. I wish you’d gone a bit more into the mechanics behind
it – is it all the poor kids or do they pick? Is there a middle class
in this world or is it just wealthy/slums? How is this all enforced –
is the level of technology and power the wealthy have so much that
even extremely powerful pokemon are about as threatening to them as
giving someone a nice sword would be to us?
But mostly, I love
your ending – it’s always nice to see someone taking the third choice
instead, and it fits so well with everything you show of their
character.
your ending – it’s always nice to see someone taking the third choice
instead, and it fits so well with everything you show of their
character.
(3)
Huh. This is the
second story I’ve seen with this setup. Was there a contest or
something?
second story I’ve seen with this setup. Was there a contest or
something?
You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Don’t label
flashbacks, it should be clear from your story when one is happening.
flashbacks, it should be clear from your story when one is happening.
Write out numbers
with letters.
with letters.
When used in place
of a name, it’s written Mom, in any other constructions like
my/her/the mom it’s written as such.
of a name, it’s written Mom, in any other constructions like
my/her/the mom it’s written as such.
It’s “okay”,
four letters.
four letters.
(5)
You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Punching
toward the sky, her eyes were lit ablaze with passion as she
declared, “I will absolutely, definitely, BECOME! SENPAI’S!
BRIIIIIDE! ! ! ! !” ]
toward the sky, her eyes were lit ablaze with passion as she
declared, “I will absolutely, definitely, BECOME! SENPAI’S!
BRIIIIIDE! ! ! ! !” ]
No she didn’t,
because she’s speaking English, not weaboo.
because she’s speaking English, not weaboo.
Here’s the thing –
someone being an idiot is not that entertaining. It’s possible to
make it entertaining, but you can’t just say LOOK I HAVE A QUIRKY
CHARACTER and assume you’re done. And in general, what you think is
quirky is probably a lot closer to irritating than you realize, and
will only get more so the longer she’s around.
someone being an idiot is not that entertaining. It’s possible to
make it entertaining, but you can’t just say LOOK I HAVE A QUIRKY
CHARACTER and assume you’re done. And in general, what you think is
quirky is probably a lot closer to irritating than you realize, and
will only get more so the longer she’s around.
(0)
[The
green haired connoisseur and the pink haired Pokemon doctor sweat
dropped ]
green haired connoisseur and the pink haired Pokemon doctor sweat
dropped ]
Don’t do this.
Epithets should
directly relate to what’s going on at the moment. Also, for god’s
sake just use their names.
directly relate to what’s going on at the moment. Also, for god’s
sake just use their names.
Don’t use sweat
dropped, sweatdropped, or any other variation of the word for
something that’s a strictly visual convention and should never be
featuring in text.
dropped, sweatdropped, or any other variation of the word for
something that’s a strictly visual convention and should never be
featuring in text.
You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“Fine,
thanks, no thanks to someone,” Iris replied, purposefully
looking at the embarrassed wannabe Pokemon master.
thanks, no thanks to someone,” Iris replied, purposefully
looking at the embarrassed wannabe Pokemon master.
“Hey!” Ash suddenly snapped back to the argument, “that
was so your fault, Iris!”
“No way! You started it, Ash!” was the purple-headed
girl’s reply.
The two were about to go back into their fight, but were
interrupted by Nurse Joy.
“Wait, are you Ash Ketchum?” the nurse replied.
“Ummm… Yeah. Why?” Ash replied, unsurely.]
Good lord stop
using replied. The all purpose speech tag is said. Replied is for
actual replies only.
using replied. The all purpose speech tag is said. Replied is for
actual replies only.
Better yet, just
cut out all this entirely. You never need to have idiots bickering.
It’s not entertaining, it’s just filler, and since this is fanfic,
it’s not like you’re getting paid by the word here.
cut out all this entirely. You never need to have idiots bickering.
It’s not entertaining, it’s just filler, and since this is fanfic,
it’s not like you’re getting paid by the word here.
Dialogue, like
everything in a story, needs to have some point to it. It can be to
further the plot, to develop the characters, or just to be amusing
and clever. Don’t just type whatever comes to mind – just because
someone could say something doesn’t mean it’s interesting for
everyone else to listen to.
everything in a story, needs to have some point to it. It can be to
further the plot, to develop the characters, or just to be amusing
and clever. Don’t just type whatever comes to mind – just because
someone could say something doesn’t mean it’s interesting for
everyone else to listen to.
(2)
Why is this story
showing up twice? Are you both posting the same thing? Don’t do that.
showing up twice? Are you both posting the same thing? Don’t do that.
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Speaking of, use
said more and don’t use stated at all, it’s not a neutral speech tag.
said more and don’t use stated at all, it’s not a neutral speech tag.
You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
This chapter
really feels unnecessary. If the plot is about her looking for the
former champion, you should just start with her doing that. It’s not
so outlandish it requires a whole chapter of explanation for it.
really feels unnecessary. If the plot is about her looking for the
former champion, you should just start with her doing that. It’s not
so outlandish it requires a whole chapter of explanation for it.
(0)
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
It’s pretty
impossible to take grim and gritty knife-throwing Ash seriously.
impossible to take grim and gritty knife-throwing Ash seriously.
(1)
There are seven
thousand stories just on this site in this category with “pokemon”
in their title. “New” features in another thousand. There
are over four hundred “chronicles”, more if you include
misspellings, even more with “begins” and “beginning”,
and even more “Character Name”‘s whatever. There are almost
eight hundred with “legend”. There are fourteen hundred
with “journey”, twelve hundred with “story”,
almost three hundred with “quest”, and two thousand with
“adventure”. The different region names appear another
thousand or two times. “Saga”, “region” and
“champion” come in around two hundred. In sum, you should
try to choose an original title that has to do with your story in
particular, not something that indicates it’s yet another story about
a pokemon trainer.
thousand stories just on this site in this category with “pokemon”
in their title. “New” features in another thousand. There
are over four hundred “chronicles”, more if you include
misspellings, even more with “begins” and “beginning”,
and even more “Character Name”‘s whatever. There are almost
eight hundred with “legend”. There are fourteen hundred
with “journey”, twelve hundred with “story”,
almost three hundred with “quest”, and two thousand with
“adventure”. The different region names appear another
thousand or two times. “Saga”, “region” and
“champion” come in around two hundred. In sum, you should
try to choose an original title that has to do with your story in
particular, not something that indicates it’s yet another story about
a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[There’s
the beginning. If you guys think I should continue on, let me know.
Sorry that it’s so short.]
the beginning. If you guys think I should continue on, let me know.
Sorry that it’s so short.]
These three
statements are rather at odds.
statements are rather at odds.
Your beginning
really isn’t one, and it’s because this is far too short. You have
one trainer standing around being a trainer, then there’s another
person who’s a trainer, then it ends before anyone does anything that
might be interesting. If you have a plot (people are trainers is not
a plot), there’s no sign of what it might be. Your chapter needs to
be long enough for things to actually happen.
really isn’t one, and it’s because this is far too short. You have
one trainer standing around being a trainer, then there’s another
person who’s a trainer, then it ends before anyone does anything that
might be interesting. If you have a plot (people are trainers is not
a plot), there’s no sign of what it might be. Your chapter needs to
be long enough for things to actually happen.
(0)
[Dawn
woke up in the middle of the night. Piplup look i’m wet again i can
stop having sex dreams where Ash fucks me what should i do. ]
woke up in the middle of the night. Piplup look i’m wet again i can
stop having sex dreams where Ash fucks me what should i do. ]
Proofread, for
starters. You should always capitalize “I”, you need
quotation marks and also commas, also you probably meant “can’t”
and not “can”. And so on. Grammar: it actually matters!
starters. You should always capitalize “I”, you need
quotation marks and also commas, also you probably meant “can’t”
and not “can”. And so on. Grammar: it actually matters!
(0)
[Am tracking a
meteor heading to earth. Suspected landing is somewhere in the
rainforest in Guyana, with possible fragments landing in the US,
France, and Japan. There have been debates on whether to destroy it
or not, but we have convinced the governments that the potential
knowledge is far more important than the possible damage. Unlike most
other asteroids, this one did not come from our solar system.
Calculations based on its trajectory puts it near KOI-1686, an earth
like planet over a thousand light years away. There is even a chance
that it came from the planet itself. There is a possibility that the
meteor contains evidence of extraterrestrial life. If so, it will be
one of the greatest discoveries ever made in science. ]
meteor heading to earth. Suspected landing is somewhere in the
rainforest in Guyana, with possible fragments landing in the US,
France, and Japan. There have been debates on whether to destroy it
or not, but we have convinced the governments that the potential
knowledge is far more important than the possible damage. Unlike most
other asteroids, this one did not come from our solar system.
Calculations based on its trajectory puts it near KOI-1686, an earth
like planet over a thousand light years away. There is even a chance
that it came from the planet itself. There is a possibility that the
meteor contains evidence of extraterrestrial life. If so, it will be
one of the greatest discoveries ever made in science. ]
Okay, let’s work
through this.
through this.
You can’t predict
trajectories nearly that well. Main landing site is about the best
you can do, and if it does fragment, there’s a good chance none of
the pieces will land where you expect.
trajectories nearly that well. Main landing site is about the best
you can do, and if it does fragment, there’s a good chance none of
the pieces will land where you expect.
Meteors mostly get
burned up in the atmosphere, especially if apparently it’s going to
fragment into multiple pieces. If they don’t and impact, the damage
is not “possible” so much as ranging from dangerous to
extinction event.
burned up in the atmosphere, especially if apparently it’s going to
fragment into multiple pieces. If they don’t and impact, the damage
is not “possible” so much as ranging from dangerous to
extinction event.
Asteroids come
from outside our solar system all the time.
from outside our solar system all the time.
Given we can’t
even predict exactly where fragments of asteroid would land, no, we
definitely would not be able to track it back much beyond our solar
system, let alone another thousand light years away. A light year is
really, really far. At a thousand light years away, even finding the
existence of a planet would be difficult. And the fact an asteroid
came from that would not mean people assumed it was from the planet,
because planets generally pull in asteroids rather than spitting them
out.
even predict exactly where fragments of asteroid would land, no, we
definitely would not be able to track it back much beyond our solar
system, let alone another thousand light years away. A light year is
really, really far. At a thousand light years away, even finding the
existence of a planet would be difficult. And the fact an asteroid
came from that would not mean people assumed it was from the planet,
because planets generally pull in asteroids rather than spitting them
out.
Assuming that they
somehow knew it totally came from their one earthlike planet, again,
meteors mostly get burned up in the atmosphere, so it’s unlikely any
evidence of life would survive impact.
somehow knew it totally came from their one earthlike planet, again,
meteors mostly get burned up in the atmosphere, so it’s unlikely any
evidence of life would survive impact.
[Of course, there
had been many who dissent with this idea. They believe, wrongfully,
that there is a chance that the specimens on the rock could cause
irrevocable damage to humanity and the Earth’s ecosystem. The
likelihood of that happening is minimal. ]
had been many who dissent with this idea. They believe, wrongfully,
that there is a chance that the specimens on the rock could cause
irrevocable damage to humanity and the Earth’s ecosystem. The
likelihood of that happening is minimal. ]
Impossible is the
word you’re looking for. Evidence of life left on the meteor
pre-impact and actual life that would escape the meteor and take over
our planet are very different things.
word you’re looking for. Evidence of life left on the meteor
pre-impact and actual life that would escape the meteor and take over
our planet are very different things.
Really, you’re
coming at this the wrong way around. Have the meteor hit first, for a
nice mundane reason like humanity not having the space capacity to
deflect it, and then have the scientists realize that it contains
extraterrestrial life once they go to examine it.
coming at this the wrong way around. Have the meteor hit first, for a
nice mundane reason like humanity not having the space capacity to
deflect it, and then have the scientists realize that it contains
extraterrestrial life once they go to examine it.
[For a good
portion of his life, I had to wait on his mother to deliver breast
milk to feed him properly. ]
portion of his life, I had to wait on his mother to deliver breast
milk to feed him properly. ]
Normal people just
buy formula.
buy formula.
[I sorrow for my
son for whom both parents abandoned him. But I must go. If I can
prove that alien life exists, our grant will be lengthened ]
son for whom both parents abandoned him. But I must go. If I can
prove that alien life exists, our grant will be lengthened ]
Seriously it is
just such a terrible idea to have people saying that there’s a meteor
existing, therefore there will be proof of alien life.
just such a terrible idea to have people saying that there’s a meteor
existing, therefore there will be proof of alien life.
(0)
[the
Professor ]
Professor ]
Shouldn’t be
capitalized because it’s not being used as a name.
capitalized because it’s not being used as a name.
And hm. Your
writing’s okay – you detail the adventure and have stuff that makes
sense instead of just running through the events of the game without
justification, but you’re retreading some very, very old territory
here.
writing’s okay – you detail the adventure and have stuff that makes
sense instead of just running through the events of the game without
justification, but you’re retreading some very, very old territory
here.
A selectively mute
trainer is an interesting idea, particularly when so much of being a
trainer involves speaking, and you write it well.
trainer is an interesting idea, particularly when so much of being a
trainer involves speaking, and you write it well.
[Gold
felt his throat constrict from nervousness, but managed to choke out
a barely audible “Plan B, okay?” ]
felt his throat constrict from nervousness, but managed to choke out
a barely audible “Plan B, okay?” ]
Why didn’t he set
up signals he could sign? Is he trying to use the pokemon journey to
get better at talking? It seems he should still have hand-signals as
a backup, in case the first plan isn’t working and he can’t
speak/can’t speak loud enough to be heard at a distance.
up signals he could sign? Is he trying to use the pokemon journey to
get better at talking? It seems he should still have hand-signals as
a backup, in case the first plan isn’t working and he can’t
speak/can’t speak loud enough to be heard at a distance.
There are seven
thousand stories just on this site in this category with “pokemon”
in their title. “New” features in another thousand. There
are over four hundred “chronicles”, more if you include
misspellings, even more with “begins” and “beginning”,
and even more “Character Name”‘s whatever. There are almost
eight hundred with “legend”. There are fourteen hundred
with “journey”, twelve hundred with “story”,
almost three hundred with “quest”, and two thousand with
“adventure”. The different region names appear another
thousand or two times. “Saga”, “region” and
“champion” come in around two hundred. In sum, you should
try to choose an original title that has to do with your story in
particular, not something that indicates it’s yet another story about
a pokemon trainer.
thousand stories just on this site in this category with “pokemon”
in their title. “New” features in another thousand. There
are over four hundred “chronicles”, more if you include
misspellings, even more with “begins” and “beginning”,
and even more “Character Name”‘s whatever. There are almost
eight hundred with “legend”. There are fourteen hundred
with “journey”, twelve hundred with “story”,
almost three hundred with “quest”, and two thousand with
“adventure”. The different region names appear another
thousand or two times. “Saga”, “region” and
“champion” come in around two hundred. In sum, you should
try to choose an original title that has to do with your story in
particular, not something that indicates it’s yet another story about
a pokemon trainer.
Write out numbers with letters.
[Her
bed room had a small walk in closet as well an amazing bathroom but
that didn’t matter.
bed room had a small walk in closet as well an amazing bathroom but
that didn’t matter.
Serena knew she would spend hours on end at the Rhyhorn Ranch.
Honestly Serena couldn’t stand walking in her mother’s shadow all the
time. She didn’t like all the interviews she had because of her mom’s
career sky-rocketing. The last time she tried to mention going on her
own adventure her mom got rather angry and said how ungrateful Serena
was. That was the reason her dad left them, her mom was too caught up
in her racing career to spend time with her family. ]
This seems like a
litany of complaints that don’t actually connect. The fact she’s in
her mom’s shadow doesn’t actually have anything to do with how much
time she’ll be at he ranch. The fact her mom has no time for her does
not lead at all to the idea she wouldn’t want her daughter going on
an adventure or would see it as “ungrateful”.
litany of complaints that don’t actually connect. The fact she’s in
her mom’s shadow doesn’t actually have anything to do with how much
time she’ll be at he ranch. The fact her mom has no time for her does
not lead at all to the idea she wouldn’t want her daughter going on
an adventure or would see it as “ungrateful”.
Then there’s also
the fact this is all OOC given her mom spends the game hanging out at
their house and doesn’t act like this at all.
the fact this is all OOC given her mom spends the game hanging out at
their house and doesn’t act like this at all.
(And if her dad is
the one with time for her, why didn’t he bother getting custody?)
the one with time for her, why didn’t he bother getting custody?)
When used in place
of a name, it’s written Mom, in any other constructions like
my/her/the mom it’s written as such.
of a name, it’s written Mom, in any other constructions like
my/her/the mom it’s written as such.
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
[Shaking
his hand Serena slightly smiled, “Hi, I’m Serena.” Quickly
studying the boy she notices he wasn’t too much taller than her. He
was wear a blue trainer jacket and matching hat along with casual
jeans and black running sneakers. ]
his hand Serena slightly smiled, “Hi, I’m Serena.” Quickly
studying the boy she notices he wasn’t too much taller than her. He
was wear a blue trainer jacket and matching hat along with casual
jeans and black running sneakers. ]
You’re jumping
between tenses.
between tenses.
Don’t use stated.
[Upon entering her
home Serena heard her mother yelling at her dad over the phone.
Hanging up the phone her mom turned a glared at her. “I can’t
believe your father called the professor and requesting you go on a
journey! You father even said that you would want to go! You’re a
racer! Not a trainer, a racer.”
home Serena heard her mother yelling at her dad over the phone.
Hanging up the phone her mom turned a glared at her. “I can’t
believe your father called the professor and requesting you go on a
journey! You father even said that you would want to go! You’re a
racer! Not a trainer, a racer.”
“But mom I don’t even like racing. I’m sick of it. I’m sick
of getting yelled at for every little thing.” Serena said,
regretting it moments after the words came out of the mouth.
“I can’t believe you Serena. You are so ungrateful! You’re
just like your father! It was a mistake marrying him” her mother
screamed. “You know what; you can go on this journey of yours.
But don’t plan on coming back to me anytime soon. I’ll find a racer
who actually appreciates the chances given to her!”]
If
you want to do this, use your own character instead of trying to jam
it into a canon one who doesn’t fit. Also,
proofread, the errors are getting thicker.
you want to do this, use your own character instead of trying to jam
it into a canon one who doesn’t fit. Also,
proofread, the errors are getting thicker.
(1)
You really don’t
need to repeat the whole scene with Celebi again from her
perspective, just have her recap and continue.
need to repeat the whole scene with Celebi again from her
perspective, just have her recap and continue.
You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
[“She’s a
member of Team Rocket!” Ash exclaimed. Pikachu backed off
somewhat, looking conflicted. An Axew suddenly appeared from the
inside of Iris’ mass of hair, obviously having been awoken by the
sudden exclamation.
member of Team Rocket!” Ash exclaimed. Pikachu backed off
somewhat, looking conflicted. An Axew suddenly appeared from the
inside of Iris’ mass of hair, obviously having been awoken by the
sudden exclamation.
“Indeed she is.” commented Cilan rather dryly.
Iris looked rather disgusted, then said, “I think we should
just keep walking…”
Ash looked horrified, then scolded her, replying with, “You
always say that I’m a kid, Iris. But right now you’re the one acting
childish. If we all want to achieve our dreams, surely the first step
towards that is to never abandon people in need – even if they are
Team Rocket members.”]
Or more
productively, they could call the authorities what with Team Rocket
all being wanted criminals. It isn’t like their only choices are aid
her selflessly or leave her to get better on her own/die.
productively, they could call the authorities what with Team Rocket
all being wanted criminals. It isn’t like their only choices are aid
her selflessly or leave her to get better on her own/die.
Anyway, you really
need to learn to trim dialogue. Your characters shouldn’t need to go
on and on about every last little thing. Especially when it’s a
conversation that’s them being confused about something the reader
already knows, so it’s not like there’s even any suspense to it, or
something where it’s pretty obvious where you’re going with it (two
Team Rocket members who broke away from the organization, how very
mysterious).
need to learn to trim dialogue. Your characters shouldn’t need to go
on and on about every last little thing. Especially when it’s a
conversation that’s them being confused about something the reader
already knows, so it’s not like there’s even any suspense to it, or
something where it’s pretty obvious where you’re going with it (two
Team Rocket members who broke away from the organization, how very
mysterious).
(1)
Your title is
misspelled.
misspelled.
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Don’t refer to
women as “females”.
women as “females”.
It’s okay, four
letters.
letters.
You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
(0)
You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
“Its” is
possessive, as in “its story”, and “it’s” means
“it is”.
possessive, as in “its story”, and “it’s” means
“it is”.
This is okay, but
there’s really not much story to it. The pokedex says the baby
bulbasaur get a seed, and then in this story two people watch a baby
bulbasaur get its seed. There’s not really a sense anything important
or interesting is happening. Having to bring a baby bulbasaur to a
venusaur to get a seed would have more of a plot to it.
there’s really not much story to it. The pokedex says the baby
bulbasaur get a seed, and then in this story two people watch a baby
bulbasaur get its seed. There’s not really a sense anything important
or interesting is happening. Having to bring a baby bulbasaur to a
venusaur to get a seed would have more of a plot to it.
(2)
Your grammar is
really terrible. Proofread better, look up things you’re not sure of,
and get a beta reader.
really terrible. Proofread better, look up things you’re not sure of,
and get a beta reader.
(5)
You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
[I
love my Pokemon, don’t get me wrong, and I understand that I can be
very good, but I only did all of this to spend time with you!” ]
love my Pokemon, don’t get me wrong, and I understand that I can be
very good, but I only did all of this to spend time with you!” ]
Ugh. Surely it’s
possible for a girl to like a boy but still have goals that are more
important than that?
possible for a girl to like a boy but still have goals that are more
important than that?
[We both decided
to keep our relationship a secret. Tierno being too immature to
handle that we are dating, and not knowing if Trevor or Shauna have
invested any feelings into either of us is too great a risk. Yeah, we
are together now, but we don’t want to do anything to tear our group
of friends apart. ]
to keep our relationship a secret. Tierno being too immature to
handle that we are dating, and not knowing if Trevor or Shauna have
invested any feelings into either of us is too great a risk. Yeah, we
are together now, but we don’t want to do anything to tear our group
of friends apart. ]
That’s some really
terrible reasoning. I’m not saying it’s impossible some kid their age
might do it, but they’d be idiots who deserved what they got.
terrible reasoning. I’m not saying it’s impossible some kid their age
might do it, but they’d be idiots who deserved what they got.
And now Serena’s
getting nasty because Shauna dares to have a crush on HER boyfriend
and wants to ask him out just because technically she has no idea
he’s anyone’s boyfriend at the moment! That isn’t unsympathetic and
playing into negative stereotypes at all!
getting nasty because Shauna dares to have a crush on HER boyfriend
and wants to ask him out just because technically she has no idea
he’s anyone’s boyfriend at the moment! That isn’t unsympathetic and
playing into negative stereotypes at all!
How did this seem
like a good idea to you?
like a good idea to you?
I’m going to blame the media empire
built on telling girls to fight viciously with each other over
crushes for this one.
built on telling girls to fight viciously with each other over
crushes for this one.
(1)
You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Semicolons do not
indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when
grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly,
judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable.
If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because
the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look
pretentious.
indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when
grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly,
judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable.
If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because
the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look
pretentious.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
And now you’re songficcing.
(0)
Write out numbers with letters.
Songfics are banned, you know.
[A month later
Misty and Daisy were introduced to Tom, Their moms new boyfriend.
Just a couple days later they were introduced to his daughters violet
and Lily who were 7 and 9. Misty wasn’t sure how she felt about the
two girls and hid behind Daisy who was Happier than misty about them
‘]
Misty and Daisy were introduced to Tom, Their moms new boyfriend.
Just a couple days later they were introduced to his daughters violet
and Lily who were 7 and 9. Misty wasn’t sure how she felt about the
two girls and hid behind Daisy who was Happier than misty about them
‘]
This is a hideous
mess. Proofread better.
mess. Proofread better.
(0)
Don’t use ”
for thoughts. It just looks like your character is talking to
themself.
for thoughts. It just looks like your character is talking to
themself.
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
(1)
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
This is far too
short for a chapter.
short for a chapter.
(2)
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Paragraphing has
rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not
to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means
you start a new paragraph.
rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not
to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means
you start a new paragraph.
Write out numbers
with letters.
with letters.
Don’t label
flashbacks, it should be clear from context.
flashbacks, it should be clear from context.
[3
Write a drabble related to each song that plays, you only have to
time frame to finish the drabble. Start when the song starts and end
it when the song ends. No lingering!]
Write a drabble related to each song that plays, you only have to
time frame to finish the drabble. Start when the song starts and end
it when the song ends. No lingering!]
That’s not
actually what a drabble is. They’re a writing exercise of exactly a
hundred words, not what you get when you try to write for the length
of a song.
actually what a drabble is. They’re a writing exercise of exactly a
hundred words, not what you get when you try to write for the length
of a song.
And these really
don’t seem to be related to the fandom at all. They’re just little
moments of soap opera with arbitrary names attached.
don’t seem to be related to the fandom at all. They’re just little
moments of soap opera with arbitrary names attached.
(1)
You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Don’t use ”
for thoughts. It just looks like your character is talking to
themself.
for thoughts. It just looks like your character is talking to
themself.
(3)
Don’t use ‘ for
thoughts, it’s too close to the ” used for speech.
thoughts, it’s too close to the ” used for speech.
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Don’t refer to
women as females.
women as females.
Don’t put author
notes in your story.
notes in your story.
It may seem like a
good idea to have someone’s character revolve around overdramatically
bitching at their surroundings, but actually it’s as tedious as it is
cliché.
good idea to have someone’s character revolve around overdramatically
bitching at their surroundings, but actually it’s as tedious as it is
cliché.
This really has
nothing to do with the pokemon. It’s a bunch of interpersonal drama
between people who you’ve named after the legendaries.
nothing to do with the pokemon. It’s a bunch of interpersonal drama
between people who you’ve named after the legendaries.
I really don’t get these.
(1)
Paragraphing has
rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not
to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means
you start a new paragraph.
rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not
to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means
you start a new paragraph.
You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
(0)
Taking the summary
of an existing story and changing the nouns to have to do to pokemon
isn’t actually the same thing as writing a story.
of an existing story and changing the nouns to have to do to pokemon
isn’t actually the same thing as writing a story.
(0)
You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Your character’s
behavior really isn’t explained well at all. He’s scared of something
and running from it, okay. But he seems to be certain that it’s
impossible for anyone to help him, for no reason at all. He doesn’t
have to explain he’s from another world if he thinks that’d be a
problem, just the fact something’s going to attack him. At worst,
they won’t believe him, but as long as he sticks around people
they’ll learn he’s telling the truth when it shows up and then help
him. (And given he’s in the pokeworld, the idea some sort of monster
is chasing him is nowhere near as unbelievable as it would be in
ours.)
behavior really isn’t explained well at all. He’s scared of something
and running from it, okay. But he seems to be certain that it’s
impossible for anyone to help him, for no reason at all. He doesn’t
have to explain he’s from another world if he thinks that’d be a
problem, just the fact something’s going to attack him. At worst,
they won’t believe him, but as long as he sticks around people
they’ll learn he’s telling the truth when it shows up and then help
him. (And given he’s in the pokeworld, the idea some sort of monster
is chasing him is nowhere near as unbelievable as it would be in
ours.)
And then some
strangers start telling him about his destiny, which seems to be
mapped out to a painstaking and boring degree. Destiny is really
something you want a light touch with.
strangers start telling him about his destiny, which seems to be
mapped out to a painstaking and boring degree. Destiny is really
something you want a light touch with.
(0)
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Use said. It’s a
lovely word and generally more appropriate than the replacements
you’re currently jamming into innocent sentences.
lovely word and generally more appropriate than the replacements
you’re currently jamming into innocent sentences.
[“Doubt
it. What fourteen-year-old girl in fourteenth-century Italy would
have white hair?” Ben retorted.]
it. What fourteen-year-old girl in fourteenth-century Italy would
have white hair?” Ben retorted.]
You do realize
real kids can have light hair, right? It’s not like all kids are
required to have a certain minimum pigment.
real kids can have light hair, right? It’s not like all kids are
required to have a certain minimum pigment.
And now randomly
that girl has appeared. That sure is convenient.
that girl has appeared. That sure is convenient.
This could really
stand to be tightened up. Your dialogue just goes on forever with
nothing much happening.
stand to be tightened up. Your dialogue just goes on forever with
nothing much happening.
(0)
[I
sit outside on my front step watching my bestfriend, Ethan, jump
around with his Pokemon companion, Marril, in the steady pit-patter
of the rain. I yearn for my own Pokemon, and everyday I know I’m one
day closer to getting one of my own. In the mean time, though, I
can’t wait for that day to come. ]
sit outside on my front step watching my bestfriend, Ethan, jump
around with his Pokemon companion, Marril, in the steady pit-patter
of the rain. I yearn for my own Pokemon, and everyday I know I’m one
day closer to getting one of my own. In the mean time, though, I
can’t wait for that day to come. ]
Best friend is two
words, meantime is one. Also, if she’s friends with someone who’s got
a pokemon, he could just catch her one.
words, meantime is one. Also, if she’s friends with someone who’s got
a pokemon, he could just catch her one.
You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
This is really
slow. We’ve spent the whole chapter on them just chatting about
nothing much.
slow. We’ve spent the whole chapter on them just chatting about
nothing much.
(0)
This is incredibly
choppy and seems almost like a script. It’s tedious to read and full
of errors.
choppy and seems almost like a script. It’s tedious to read and full
of errors.
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
(0)
So, after a good start we’ve gotten
boring. I think I’m going to cut back and ignore the stuff that’s not
about pokemon. I really don’t care about the canon cast and they’re
everywhere this time. Someone else can take the time to tell them
they’re writing dialogue wrong if you like.
boring. I think I’m going to cut back and ignore the stuff that’s not
about pokemon. I really don’t care about the canon cast and they’re
everywhere this time. Someone else can take the time to tell them
they’re writing dialogue wrong if you like.