Twenty-four pages, including a weird thing about pokemon rights, weirder things using the professor opening for their OT fic, and multiple uses of “orbs”.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10936612/1/Starting-Somewhere

“Your” is possessive, “you’re” is short for “you are”.

You also need way more commas, particularly in dialogue.

[Rowan let Augustine use a pokedex himself any time he went out to gather data, but there was only so much data Augustine could gather. As the young didn’t have his own pokemon to protect himself. ]

And your sentences are just generally broken up weirdly. That second part is a sentence fragment, and also you dropped a word. You really need someone to beta read.

Also, while I’m glad your dialogue is punctuated and capitalized properly, stop dancing around using speech tags. It’s really distracting.

“Its” is possessive, “it’s” means “it is.”

Cannon’s the thing for blasting castle walls. You mean canon.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10936835/1/Sensei

This reads like original fiction and so belongs on Fictionpress. Simply sharing some common names with the characters isn’t enough to make it about them.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Three. The category continues to reward only the worst of failure.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10936838/1/High-Standards-and-Issues-of-Importance

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“This world is widely inhabited by creatures known as Pokemon.” Birch said kindly, an animal chirping next to him.
“I know, I’m not two!” Lacie thought snappily]

Then don’t repeat the opening of the game. It’s clearly not something that makes sense in-universe but one that is aimed at the player in our world.

While we’re at it, also don’t repeat the rest of the opening. Everything, down to the character being cranky, sick, and having a box fall on her, are all things that have been done hundreds of times before.

The idea of a character who’s gotten attacked by pokemon is not particularly original, but it’s a vast step up from cranky sick and having a box fall on her yet again. You’d have done better to just open with that instead of having the cliché traumatic flashback midway in.

[She turned rapidly, fear glossing over her eyes like glaze did over doughnuts. ]

Also, you really need to work on your similes.

[Lacie screamed a shrill scream ]

And narration in general.

[“Ah….I see!” The screen blinked and Birch filled the entire screen once more. “You’re that Lacie! You’re the one who’s moving to Littleroot Town, where I live!” Lacie stared at the screen, she was beginning to get annoyed with all the exclamation marks on every sentence.  ]

This doesn’t even make sense.

[Now this is the first time writing a Pokemon story ]

Is it also your first time reading a pokemon story? I’d really suggest you look around next time and then you’d be less likely to repeat something that’s been done thousands of times.

[ I’m gonna change up some stuff and add some romance ]

Then start at the parts you’re going to change and stop repeating the parts everyone’s seen already.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10936967/1/Lucario-The-Aura-Soldier

[“He’s coming to, sir.” A woman voice spoke from a P.A.
“Good.” A male voice spoke.]

“woman’s”, and stop using “spoke” in place of “said” over and over again. It doesn’t sound more formal, it sounds like you don’t speak English.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Plotwise, pretty meh. When there’s a war on and plenty of soldiers, it’s not that hard to ask for volunteers for mysterious projects, and obviously you want your supersoldiers to be people who want to serve their country and will continue to obey you after you do something like this to them. Also, wouldn’t it have made more sense to pick a private rather than lieutenant, given I assume they aren’t going to waste their supersoldier giving regular soldiers orders but want him to focus on beating up the enemy?

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10937043/1/Chasing-Cilan

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Well, it’s nice to see one of these starting somewhere other than getting her first pokemon, even if having her entire life revolve around her crush on a guy doesn’t make for a particularly interesting character. And you’re doing dialogue correctly, which is pretty rare. I hope this gets some sort of plot.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10937180/1/The-Guardian-of-Unova

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

“Its” is possessive, “it’s” means “it is.”

Write out numbers with letters.

[“She’s a Psychic and fire type… I’ve had her ever since I was born…” Victini’s blue eyes settled on her mistress and she smiled
“Aww she’s so cute…” at the word cute the other pokeballs started to move about and out came a Riolu and a shiny Feebas.]

Ugh.

Really, the worst part about this is how intensely irrelevant it all is. N runs off, Touko is upset, stop everything because look, special girl has special pokemon let’s all pay attention to that and not the supposed plot, even though she does literally nothing but show off her pokemon and then refuse to go with Touko.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10937247/1/Pokemon-ranger-shadows-of-Almia-The-beginning-of-the-end

Capitalize your title properly.

It’s either an epilogue or a prologue, it can’t be both.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

“Its” is possessive, “it’s” means “it is.”

This is way too short for a first chapter.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10937539/1/Heated-Love

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Use paragraphs.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10937552/1/A-Dragon-s-Call

[This story will be Ash’s journey if he was a Dragon Master.  ]

So this story will be about an OC, and probably a really terrible one considering you clearly don’t understand how characters work.

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point. Also, no one will ever care what your character is eating for breakfast.

[Time Skip ]

Aside from this sort of labeling being terrible, lazy writing, everything that came before it was a stupid waste of time, so you shouldn’t even need a transition. You should’ve just started the story further in.

Sentences always end in punctuation, not just sometimes.

[A blinding pure blue glow erupted from around Ash. It was all fueled by his emotions. All the pain, anguish, and so many more that it became a vortex of negative emotions that even out matched Darkrai’s usual emotions. ]

Wow this is unusually terrible. I’m out.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10937639/1/The-Monster-Within

[As Ash is wrapping up his journey in Unova, he and his friends found themselves in a town where Pokemon are looked down upon and have limited rights.  ]

…pokemon have no rights in the rest of the places we’ve seen, you know. This doesn’t make much sense as a premise.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Hm. I can’t tell how aware this is. You’ve set it up with Bubbles being really happy and all, and then the other pokemon murder a six year old kid, but there’s also the whole [Gloria wanted a Pokémon for her fifth birthday. Bubbles was barely a few weeks old at the time. She couldn’t remember much besides being bathed and fed. What she remembered best was the breeder groomed her almost every day. Smoothing out her fur, making her look her best. It felt so nice, relieving, like being on a cloud of warmed marshmallows. “Oh you looks so pretty,” the breeder would say. “So so pretty.” ] where Bubbles has never even met her own mother. So I guess it comes down to if that’s understood to be messed up or if you didn’t think anything of it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10937639/2/The-Monster-Within

And…not really selling the oppression well. The attention to where pokemon come from is weird but doesn’t seem like an actual problem, while arresting a guy for trying to sneak in with secret gun complete with a suppressor and then trying to bribe the official is entirely reasonable. (And at odds with the whining about corruption – there’s no sign of that here.)

Then the talking pikachu is running into trouble, but the whole thing is playing out with pokemon as second-class citizens, which is a huge step up from being animals without any rights. Plus they’re doing this in response to pokemon terrorists, which implies pokemon were treated significantly better prior to that. All things considered, this place is looking way better than any other region on the pokemon rights front. No one else would bother explaining to a pikachu why it wasn’t allowed entry and what its legal standing was in the other country.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10937639/3/The-Monster-Within

[For Rex Anderson this was appalling. He had seen Pokémon abuse before, but never had he seen an entire town hating Pokémon. ]

See, this just all isn’t very convincing. He’s more upset by a town that just wants nothing to do with pokemon than he is with pokemon being abused in front of him?

There’s nothing about gangs of humans lynching any pokemon they manage to find in the area, or how the pokemon center used to have more than three pokemon doctors but a few months ago a mob lit the place on fire, or how there’s crucified pikachu corpses as decoration…

[ “There’s a group of Pokémon who has been terrorizing this town for the past fifteen years. It all started when a Scrafty and his friends took over the nearby abandoned military base. Slowly but surely, they built up their numbers, then began calling themselves the Pokémon Resistance Army, or PRA for short. Their goal, so the leader claimed, was to bring freedom and rights to all Pokémon, making them equal to people in society.”
“Equal to people?” Ash asked.]

Meanwhile, the end result we get here is that the good guys are apparently not in favor of pokemon being equal to people, since they’ve never cared or done anything about this issue before, but just object to a society wanting nothing to do with pokemon, and all the trouble came from pokemon being uppity in the first place. This all seems very much aimed at humans being inconvenienced – they’re annoyed by the line to get in, they keep whining and whining about the ankle bracelet, they don’t like the idea of getting yelled at for having pokemon, etc.

Also god, either use swears or don’t, stop with the asterisks, it makes you sound like you’re five.

[“Well they have gotten a little fat,” said Mark. “But I’m not too worried about it. I had nanobots injected into their bloodstreams to clear out any excess cholesterol and saturated fat that had built up in their arteries.  ]

Seriously, how did this seem like a good idea? Mark gets more obnoxiously sueish by the line.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10937639/5/The-Monster-Within

[Ash grabbed his hair and sat back down, “There’s gotta be something we could do to bring peace.”
“That’s not going to happen, Ash,” said Rex, “The PRA wants to convince the world into their demands, not just Soho. Even if they manage to make a peace agreement with Soho, the PRA will just move on to the next town and terrorize that, and the process starts all over again.”]

And yup, equal rights are not a option. I also like the bit about how the pokemon that robbed the pokemon center of medicine, which he presumably just took back to the other pokemon so they could get help, was a backstabber. Really shows the incoherence of the whole thing.

Seven.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10937663/1/Good-Intentions

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10937739/1/A-new-life-remake

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

You have way too much dialogue to way too little plot in this. Just because it’s really easy to write filler chatter doesn’t mean it’s worth anyone’s time to read.

Two.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10937743/1/Gold

The opening seems like it’s an attempt to rationalize using the game opening rather than actually doing anything with the idea – given your character immediately accepts New Mom and New World and New Everything, and doesn’t even continue wondering at the fact five minutes ago they were being lectured in a void, why is that even there? And given it changes nothing, it doesn’t do anything about the fact everyone has already seen opening chapters of the main character getting up, eating breakfast and heading out to get his first pokemon. If there’s anything more to this than that it’s nuzlocke and his pokemon die, I’d suggest skipping to there.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10937782/1/Firework-Show

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10937936/1/Sparks-Will-Fly

[“You’ll do great. It’ll be a lot of fun!” said my father, who was an arcanine. I had to head towards the bus soon.
“Your father is right. Now, if I see you home again before three months, then you’re in big trouble!” Said, well, my other father, who was a luxray. You’re probably thinking that they’re at least slightly discriminated against for this, because they’re a gay couple. It’s not actually like that, though.]

Is there even any point to having them be pokemon when they live in a world with schoolbuses? If you want to write about pokemon, try to write it as more than a bland knockoff of human stuff.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[“Now, as you probably know, female pokemon seemed to just stop being born, with maybe only one or two born every two years.” He paused for a second.
“This was worrying, and nobody could find out what was happening. However, as a gay couple found out, arcanine had somehow been able to become pregnant.”
He switched on a screen, showing some pictures. “Luxrays developed to be more dominant than arcanine, and their sperm can make an arcanine pregnant. However, the sperm of an arcanine can not make a luxray pregnant.”
He pressed a button, causing more pictures to show up. “The sperm of an arcanine can, however, impregnate others of his species. It’s the same for luxrays. Now, for absols,”
More pictures.
“They are sort of in between the submissive arcanine and the dominant luxray. A luxray can make it pregnant, but it can’t make a luxray pregnant. It can, however, impregnate an arcanine, but an arcanine can’t impregnate an absol.”
He continued for a while, until we neared the end of the class. “Now, later on in the year, you will be split up, with the growlithes and luxios in different groups. The absols shall switch between them.” He dismissed the class, and the teacher stopped me before I could leave.
“You might want to be careful, the luxios are more attracted to the shy ones.” I nodded, and I left.]

Oh my god you’re writing pokemon ABO. Why.

Two reviews. Also again, why.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10938141/1/Neverending-Romance

[when the very Pokémon themselves ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

This is nice. You really get across the sense of infatuation in Kyogre’s glowing, elaborate descriptions of Groudon’s awesomeness and how glorious the conflict was.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10938153/1/Road-to-The-Protector

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

[We both leap out of the cage and hit the floor. “Why’s the floor so cold, when the Tar is so hot?”
“Magic.”
“Ahhhh… I’m really not gonna get my head around this whole magic thing.”
He turns away. “Time to find my weapons and your Pokémon. It didn’t take the guard that long to put your pokeballs away and come back, so the room that they’re keeping them in should be close. Let’s go, but be quiet, guards will be outside this door.”
“I’m surprised they didn’t hear the racket that went on here.”
“They probably did, but the guards have been created by magic. This type of creation only follows two commands: Only listen to your creator, and always do whatever your master tells you to. In this case, Maglicio commanded them to kill any intruders that they see outside of cages; they haven’t seen us yet so they won’t react. We’ll have to kill them before they kill us.”]

This all seems to have vanishingly little to do with pokemon.

[“I’ll tell you this much, you are needed for everyone to survive, not only the people in the pokemon world, every entity in the universe. You WILL realise your role in the bigger picture.” ]

Also crazy sueish.

[ The guards snarl and leap towards him like stoutland do to their trainers but with the intent of killing. “Sonic thrust!” He draws back the ice blade and it glows with energy. As the guards grow closer, he thrusts out the sword and the energy explodes, ripping through all of them.  ]

Yeah I’m out.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10938413/1/Teardrops

[“Yveltal! Do you want to go watch the Pokémon with me,” a young Xerneas asked.  ]

Questions use question marks.

[Nobody will ever like me,” he yelled. ]

Also a good idea are exclamation marks for yelling.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[RandomlinebreakTearDropsRandomlinebreakTeardropsRandomlinebreakTeardropsRandomlinebreaksTeardropsRandomline]

Don’t do this. Literally anything else is better as a scenebreak. If you demand it be letters going across the page, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx would do.

[“But snow is also pure. It helps bring new life, if it did not snow then nature would not get a chance to rest. ]

That’s really not true. Nature doesn’t need rest, which is why all those places it never snows aren’t blighted wastelands.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[ Only Xerneas’ aura was keeping him in check and the madness at bay. ]
[“I’ve realized something. It’s supposed to be a circle. We weren’t made to both stand on the earth at the same time. It’s what caused this madness. Our auras are too conflicting,” Xerneas said sadly. ]

This story really doesn’t seem to go anywhere or make much sense. You introduce the usual thing with Yveltal going crazy from being destruction, then say “and then thousand year cycle!” without actually connecting the two.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10938418/1/Year-of-the-Ships

[*******************************Line Break********************************]

Don’t put words in your line breaks.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[A/N- Yes, it was short. Yes, it was sort of boring. Yes, it was a horrible way to start off a one-shot series. Do I care? Not really. ]

If you know it’s terrible and you don’t care, why even bother posting it?

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10938492/1/Pokemon-Shadow-Storm

Write out numbers with letters.

[In chair beside him sat Professor Oak, who was going to be travelling with him, the professor had been invited to a conference happening in the region, and Ash was accompanying him, as the Region had just embarked on an ambitious building project, the largest pokemon stadium ever constructed, in which the region planned to host the world’s first Pokemon World Championship, it was a tournament ash wanted to compete in, and hopefully win, knowing that if he were to win he would become more than likely the world’s greatest pokemon trainer. ]

That is an impressively run-on sentence. Next time, edit. Also, pay enough attention to capitalize Ash’s name consistently.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

This is far too short for a chapter and has nothing interesting happen. You don’t need to have Ash get on a plane to have a story in another region, you can just have Ash in the new region and have him say he flew if it even comes up.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10938570/1/Empathic-Adventures-IV-The-Ties-that-Bind

[Also due to the size of the family I might need a little help with the design and overall look to each character, at least the kids. If anyone wishes to contribute ANY ideas or designs feel free to submit them, all credit will be given where appropriate.
And since I’m on the topic of family I have one thing I wish to say about the poll. CAN ANY OF YOU PEOPLE WHO VOTED READ?! If those of you who checked the options saw on the second bullet to add someone else and voted on it, but failed to give me any indication of who you wanted to add. ]

Maybe you could try including things because it’s part of the story, rather than outsourcing this stuff to your readers.

[‘Thought, Aura speech or Telepathy’]

What on earth made you think it was a good idea to treat private thoughts and telepathic communication as the same thing?

Look, the whole point of listing what the different formats are for different types of communication is to let people know who can understand what. It makes sense to mark pokemon speech in some way because pokemon can understand each other but humans can’t understand them, and the distinction lets the reader know who knows and doesn’t know at a given time. Marking thoughts and mental speech is sort of like treating human and pokemon speech the same, but worse because at least when pokemon talk some people can understand them.

[“Yes, dad?” ]

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one, so it should be “Dad”.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

All sentences need to end in punctuation, not just some.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[non chantly. ]

One word.

[“Good, now I know you like to read, but family comes first especially at meal time, is that understood?”]

This is so hilariously sad given it’s a house where the father’s had so many kids with so many wives they have to go through this long roll call just to remember who’s supposed to be there. The whole list really drives home just what an asshole and failure as a parent Ash is for having so many, too.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10938583/1/Master-of-the-Champion-League

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

This really seemed like filler. If you have a plot, skip there, you can have Ash just mention he won the championship when it comes up.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10938598/1/Pokemon-Indigo-League-Champions

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point. Also, no one will ever care what your character is eating for breakfast.

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[Green walked out of her room wearing a plain white shirt, along with black jeans with a stylized signature on the right pocket, she had a Pikachu clip in her hair and also wore a Pokèball satchel and white gloves. “What do you think Mom? Do I love snazzy or what?”
Her mother just stood there, not sure what to say. “Um…you look great dear. It’s A little plain but great.” ]

No.

Green is going out to run around in the woods through tall grass and bushes. What a mom would say is, “Um…you look great dear, but you’d be better off wearing pants you don’t mind destroying. And you’re going to lose the clip within a day. Also, why are you wearing gloves?”

[“I’m sorry Mom; can you at least send me a change of clothes when I get to Pewter City?”
“Sure but don’t count on me sending you anything too….revealing.”
Green turned as red as a tomato. “Mom that’s not what I was hoping for!”]

This is bizarre. She’s asking her mom to send her clothes that she currently has. If her mom doesn’t let her wear revealing, there’d be none in her closet. This is written like Green has no other clothes and is asking her mom to buy something and send it.

[Professor Oak was speaking with Green’s father, Mr. Ketchum: the Indigo League Champion. The two had once been rivals back in the day but now they keep it all at a minimum. Professor Oak had relatively spikes brown hair and a bit of a smirk too. Mr. Ketchum’s hair was tamed by his hat but a lot of it was still showing from the sides.
“Hello Green, we didn’t see you there. My name is Professor Gary Oak; I was a friend of your father. He asked me to give you your very first Pokémon. You should consider yourself a very lucky girl; I left my lab in Sinnoh just to be here.” Professor Oak said]

Why on earth did you have a paragraph explaining things followed by Oak repeating those same things? Do you think your readers forget what you wrote within a line or two, or do you think they’re just too stupid to understand anything unless you say it more than once?

[“Not to worry, I planned out how each gym will go depending on my choice. Bulbasaur will easily be able to beat the first two gyms, however Charmander will have the hardest time out of all the three making him a pretty challenging choice, but Squirtle will be effective on the first gym and pretty ok for the second gym. I chose Squirtle since I don’t want anything too easy but yet I don’t want anything too hard.” ]

God this is so dull.

Just because in the game you have one path and your victory is certain doesn’t mean it works like that for actual kids in the world. In the games, most people have a whopping zero badges, and just having a grass type wouldn’t change that to two.

It seems like you have some sort of actual plot intended, so figure out what’s actually relevant to that and skip to it, rather than plodding along novelizing the opening of the game first. Everyone already knows the opening and if we wanted that, we’d go play it and make our own choices about how easy we wanted the first gyms to be.

One. And this time I managed to review it before it disappeared!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10938629/1/scabiosa

[ ocean orbs ]

Don’t call eyes orbs.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Aside from orbs, the writing of this is pretty, but feels a bit samey – like you’re more focused on working in a set of nice and poetic words than trying to describe things in a new way.

I like what’s developed into the pokefandom’s house style for poetic ficlets well enough, but everyone and everywhere ends up seeming interchangable. They’re all beautiful, remote snowflakes full of silences between people.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10938642/1/The-Beast-Inside

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[ My father just died in the eruption while he was trying to save other pokemon. He always has been my greatest hero. My mother was killed by a Tyranitar when I had just hatched, so I had been left an orphan. ]

I laughed.

“My dad died a noble death trying to rescue people during the natural disaster that redefined my life. Oh, also my mom died too, because we needed her out of the story.”

Well, it’s nice to see reasoning about forming rescue teams, but then the second half is just hanging out, getting orders to do something unrelated to the current people, and then random other team having a jerk on it and getting into a fight with him, when supposedly there’s disasters everywhere and everyone should be rushing off to try to stop more deaths from happening.

Zero reviews, but a beautiful example of sexism in fanfic. Also includes a guy attacking him for talking to the girl he has a crush on, because girls are things yo fight over.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10938709/1/New-Beginning

[The brunettes aqua orbs ]

Don’t use irrelevant epithets, the word should be “brunette’s”, and don’t use orbs.

[She was too awed by the sight to even utter any words out, ]

Just get a beta reader, this is a mess.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10938711/1/Golden-Opportunity-a-Pokemon-OC-fanfic

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

Hm. Well, at least you’re not doing the whole waking up and getting pokemon thing and have a plot, but you’re rushing through it. All he has to do is say he’s a recruit, because they have absolutely no system for telling if that’s true and just go with it? It’s hard to feel interest in what’s happening when the plot is this wobbly.

One. Also, I’m now taking M ratings off the rotation. My justification shall be that anyone posting porn when it’s just going to get randomly deleted clearly gives even less of a shit than most of the writers around, plus it’ll just be randomly deleted and the problem will take care of itself.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10938834/1/Amourshipping-Date

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Four.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10938872/1/Misunderstanding

[looking like a Dragonite, ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“I so am mature!” Tilting her body to the side, Mew cupped her hands to her chest to lift and release for a slight bounce and ruffle of fur. “I am a full-grown adult Mew.”]

Unless she’s pregnant or nursing right now, no, she doesn’t have breasts. Female pokemon and all female animals other than humans don’t get breasts with sexual maturity.

…and now rapey dragonite who won’t take no for an answer. Why?

I like a lot of the conversations between Mew and Mewtwo, but at the same time, the misunderstanding goes on long enough to seem forced (especially given it’s resolved Mewtwo thinking about it for a half second) and the sexuality seems excessive. Mew is upset Mewtwo thinks she’s trying to seduce him by turning into a copy of him, so she tries to do the same thing with a dragonite then is shocked when the dragonite thinks it’s sexual despite her using sexual language while plotting, then Mewtwo continues the conversation assuming it was sexual then suddenly realizes that Mew, who just said she’s an adult, is clearly a pure innocent child and so couldn’t have meant it sexually.

Honestly, it’d probably have been better to not have the dragonite section (I can’t even figure out what that’s for but that you wanted this fic to involve misunderstandings) and instead have Mew try to force the issue by turning into a mewtwo and having things go from there.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10938901/1/Hoenn-Revisited

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

I’m really not sure what the point is of shoehorning in the game’s opening and having him be weirded out by pokemon when it doesn’t appear to impact the plot whatsoever and conflicts with the fact he lived in Goldenrod and his father’s a gym leader, and then seconds later he’s fine with pokemon again. Having your opening chapter be a clusterfuck of bad decisions and an unnecessary retread of stuff everyone’s already familiar with doesn’t give much reason to bother reading on.

The only thing that’s sort of different is getting an eevee as a starter, but eevee are hideously overused in their own right.

One, which is the author talking to any readers, because I guess that makes about as much sense as the whole “I do and don’t know what pokemon are” business.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10939023/1/Shooting-The-Breeze

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

On the brighter side, hey, you’re writing dialogue perfectly. That’s really rare.

[“Well you really should see for yourself if you’re curious. Easier to explain that way. But heat is simply a form of energy, so all I had to do was find a way to capture it within the panel array and convert it into further electrical power.” ]

…well, that’s insane and violates the basic tenets of how the universe works, but I guess in a world where animals can shoot beams of ice, that sort of technology wouldn’t be out of place.

The two of them working on the problem together are amusing, and I like the idea this is what causes the mass blackout.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10939028/1/The-Childhood-Triad

A fic about your friends isn’t pokemon fanfic and doesn’t belong here.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10939097/1/Heavenly-Knights-Diamond-Heart-and-Pink-Lotus-in-Bullet-Hell

Just reviewed this author, also I can’t make heads or tails of this one. It’s like insanely boring crackfic.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10939160/1/Aura-in-the-Dark

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Don’t use ‘ for thoughts either, and mixing and matching the two is even more annoying. You’re already italicizing them and adding [Name thought] at the end, people can tell they’re thoughts.

Three.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10939161/1/Care-to-Elaborate

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

“Your” is possessive, “you’re” is short for “you are”.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

The opening of this is probably the strongest part. Once the conversation gets going, it seems like it turns into you explaining your exact view of the character more than people talking naturally. It’s less elaboration than just dragging each point out way too long.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10939352/1/Love-Blind

What is this even.

Someone attempts to drug her with a “love potion” to force her to love them and her response is just “give me the cure for the guy who accidentally drank it” and to walk off without reporting them because obviously there’s no need to actually do anything about Attempted Rapist and Accomplice?

And Drew is barely any better, being a controlling asshole throughout this.

Three. Also urgh, second creepfest and I’m not even done with January 1st.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10939373/1/Like-a-Penny-Waiting-for-Change

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

This all looks rather different, which is always great to see, but it doesn’t give me much idea of where it’s going and has an awful lot of setup for something like that. All I get right now is that they want to change what they’re currently doing, and going by the author notes that’ll be being a trainer for May, although it’s not clear how much that’ll help her general misery.

Three.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10939551/1/Call

For god’s sake just use said instead of having people smile or smirk every other line of dialogue.

Three.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10939589/1/Quiet

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10939660/1/Detective-May

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Don’t use irrelevant epithets.

This doesn’t seem like a crossover but like you’re just copying Detective Conan and calling him May.

Three.