Dragon Quill

Why the hell is this posted again?
Sticking this stupid forum game circlejerk on here once wasn’t
enough?

[Then it happened. All of the members
of the Shadow Eaters stopped in mid movement. Unfortunately, so did
my three rescuers. I sighed. Man, why does this happen every time?
Well, if I must, I must. “Shadow eaters, disappear.” And as
if on cue, all of them vanished with a blue light. ]

So your character is crazy ovrerpowered
and their response is to whine about it.

Look, you can do interesting things
with someone superpowered, but this is not it. You can’t write them
as ordinary underdogs when they were never in danger, and if there’s
no drawback to using their power, there’s no reason to whine that oh
drat, everything got solved effortlessly again. Your character should
be arrogant and dismissive, not trying to pretend effortless autowin
button is an hideous curse.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

“Its” is possessive, as in
“its story”, and “it’s” means “it is”.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You do not need to exactly copy the
movie script down to the narration.

Your character is a ridiculous sue.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Ben was a normal guy at age ten. With
one exception everything he did was normal. He was a physicist’s son.
All he would do is study the sciences, complex equations, etcetera.
He almost never had time to have fun. ]

Think about what you’re writing.

Guy is an poor choice when you’re
talking about a ten year old kid, and if the only thing you tell us
is how abnormal he is, he’s not a normal kid. Worse, you didn’t need
to say any of this – you’re telling the reader a summary of your
setup, but it doesn’t need to be brought up at all.

If you want him to know he’s been hit
by a car, start the story with the car bearing down on him. If you
don’t, start with him waking up in the field and have him be confused
because he last remembers walking down a street.

[The first thing that Ben saw when he
got up, couldn’t be explained by physics or any other science. It
looked to be a living creature, but not one that Ben had ever seen or
heard of. ]

Don’t try to write a character who’s
supposed to be highly educated if you aren’t even passingly familiar
with science. Pokemon do not use impossible alien geometries for
their forms and the fact he doesn’t recognize something has nothing
to do with science being able to explain it. You’re writing this kid
like he’s been locked in a room his entire life and told “physics”
is a list of images in a book.

[I come from planet Earth where human
industrialism kills off many animals and plants that are
undomesticated.” ]

Yeah that totally is how people
introduce themselves. “I come from the country America where
education is a cruel joke. You?”

Script format is banned.

You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Anyway, this serves as a good object
lesson in why there’s really no point in your writing a story on the
subject of feeling bored.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“How is the quest to capture Mew
going?” asked Professor Oak.

Yes, having a masterball will sure help
with the problem of not being able to find it.

And now it’s speeding through the anime
plot for the sake of poorly described pointless battles.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Now he’s stalking a pokemon and
carrying on a one-sided conversation that I can only assume you think
is hilarious because there really is no other reason for this.
Somehow this ends with it deciding it wants to be his pokemon
forever.

When used in place of a name, it’s
written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it’s
written as such.

Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Don’t label POVs, it should be obvious
from context.

Trainers start at ten.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.

And she can randomly understand
pokemon! Because! And of course this has no bearing on her actual
feelings about pokemon training or anything, it’s just so she’s
special.

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

This is way too short for a chapter. It
isn’t even actual story content, you’re summarizing your setup and
then calling it a day.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Twenty years had passed since the
humans had left the Unova region, and nobody really knew why. Nimbasa
had become completely Pokemon adapted, with technologies to ease
their lives. ]

So twenty years is all it takes for
pokemon to start being exactly like people, to the point where I
don’t know why you’re even bothering to say they’re pokemon.

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

Hm. This looks interesting, and I like
how you write everyone.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“Relax, mortal. You are not in my
true presence, merely an extension. I have bothered to come here to
tell you the following: The Pokémon, contrary to popular belief, are
not dead, but fled instead from human tyranny. Your people and mine
have been separated for millennia, but I believe that, using a single
representative, the two can be united once again, with peace between
the two.”

“You may be wondering why I am
telling you this. Well, the truth is simple. I have chosen you as
representative. Only you can unite the Pokémon and humans
peacefully.”]

One guy being the solution is a hard
sell at the best of times, and it’s particularly badly suited here.
It’s always been true in the games and anime that some trainers are
good and some trainers aren’t, and it’s highlighted in BW with some
of Plasma being devoted to the pokemon’s wellbeing and other members
being happy to abuse them. So if the pokemon ran off because,
broadly, humans weren’t behaving too well, why would one person fix
this? One person sure didn’t fix it any of the other times.

And now he’s getting a special heirloom
writstband of specialness because his mom knows about his secret
destiny? I guess boy sues can’t get the standard necklace.

And now his friend’s been given some
random thing for him too, just because. Is this whole chapter just
people lining up for his special destiny?

[The use of the nickname Red is
completely coincidental and does not refer to the actual character.]

Then you should’ve used a different
name.

CHEEZEMONKEY SUGARRRRR bullshit
continues to not be funny. Also, your grammar is terrible.

I suppose you could explain the
terrible grammar and constant errors as being the character’s mistake
rather than yours, but that doesn’t make it any less of a chore to
read.