Some interesting ones today.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11747003/1/From-Cinnabar-Island
This is very interesting but also very, very rough. I think it needed another round of editing and a lot more time proofing it.
There’s a lot of cool elements – exploring the burned mansion/lab, dealing with a dangerous alien pokemon that barely listens to you, odd psychic power manifestations, pokemon with human souls, pokemon rights, Mewtwo doing stuff… But they’re all pretty muddled and hard to make out right now.
Three, crit.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11747476/1/Out-in-the-Open
N!!!!!!!!
I like what you’ve done with Jordan as well. They’re reasonably attentive to their pokemon, with the updates on what Excadrill’s doing now coming regularly and they’re well-detailed enough to show they’re not just oblivious, but it doesn’t matter to them beyond their own inconvenience. Nurse Joy explains why their pokemon acted like this, and all they take from it is that now they know what to specifically tell their pokemon not to do. I can really believe someone like them would be a good trainer – you need to know your pokemon’s mood and health and all that to be able to battle with it well, but you don’t have to actually care about them any more than a manager has to actually care about their employees.
I wonder how things would go in the long-term? My first thought is traditional pokemon battling no longer works because N inadvertently blocked people’s ability to move injured pokemon, but then, that seems like it could end up being a net plus. Stuff like the destructive purrloin would mean a lot more effort going into training pokemon and trying to figure out why they were doing something you didn’t want, rather than just keeping them in a ball, and a lot more of people releasing pokemon they couldn’t get along with. There’d probably be a decrease overall of people keeping/interacting with pokemon now that they can’t just pick and choose when to do it and the overall cultural viewpoint will change in some way. And it’ll now be almost impossible to possess massive numbers of pokemon the way any little kid can currently – even having a six-pokemon team would be incredibly difficult.
The time immediately afterward could be messy, too – a lot of former trainer’s pokemon that are powerful and are mostly right around cities, and which can’t just be caught when they make trouble. If a lot of pokemon stay, they’ll be able to help in the transition. If most of the pokemon leave, on the other hand, it’d be chaos and humans probably won’t be willing to accept the root responsibility for it, which could just make things worsen between humans and pokemon. But then, maybe fearful and grudging respect is a better point to move toward than the current attitude of total mastery.
Four.
This would actually be an interesting setting to use for other stories.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11747560/1/The-Lullaby
[“You must help The Executioner as you were meant to, as I intended you to. Help him, lest he stray from his path and become an evil far greater than the abomination.” ]
So the boy’s job is to actually do a thing, and the girl’s job is to support him emotionally. Pretty unpleasant implications there.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[She sat on her bed for a few seconds, her face scrunched up in concentration, before things in her room began to move, seemingly of their own accord. The books flew back to the bookcase, her Pokedolls went back to a shelf on the wall, and the mirror was placed gently into a trash bag as another one flew out of her closet to replace it. ]
Okay, if she smashes mirrors in her sleep so regularly she has a bunch in the closet for this very reason, why doesn’t she just put it away at night? Wouldn’t that be not only easier but cheaper?
[After that Mrs. Paris called up one of her many friends, a psychic whom she referred to as “Bri”, to come and evaluate her abilities. When Bri arrived she instantly knew that Angela was extremely powerful and needed to have some of her power limited, or she could destroy the sleepy Pallet Town on accident anytime her emotions were running high. ]
So she’s a sue.
Look, if you find yourself needing to have some external force nerf your character’s powers, that usually means you character shouldn’t have started off that powerful.
Also, “on accident” is nonsense, you mean “by accident”.
] “I was so excited to finally get my first pokemon, after getting set back two whole years, that I completely forgot to get ready!” ]
This is incredibly clumsy exposition and it’s all the more annoying by the fact you don’t need to have her announcing a fact both people in the conversation already know since you immediately go on to explain it in detail in the narration.
[While most kids received their first pokemon at age 10, Angela was only just gett hers at 12. When Angela was 10 she wasn’t allowed to go on a journey because the doctor said she was to small and not strong enough, ]
Aside from the typos and how you didn’t even spellcheck it, no, being small doesn’t mean you can’t be a pokemon trainer.
[ and then at 11, Angela yet again was denied her pokemon because all of the pokemon Professor Oak had, were extremely frightened of her, and attacked when they were forced near her. But Angela was used to this because almost all of the pokemon she met responded to her like this.
Now at age 12, Mrs. Paris had, through her network of friends, found a pokemon from one of the few species Angela had met that hadn’t responded negatively to her.]
Then she shouldn’t be doing the standard wake up and get pokemon thing, they should’ve just handed her the pokemon once they got it.
Also for this reason and not the “small” thing they should probably have just banned her from being a pokemon trainer entirely, because how is she supposed to do anything if all pokemon are murderously aggressive to her getting in their space?
[r. Her thick, platinum blonde hair was done in shoulder-length pigtails with red bows that framed her face and kept the hair out of her dark violet eyes. She was wearing her favorite outfit that consisted of a white blouse, a knee-length red pleated skirt and black boots. ]
That’s ridiculous and I reiterate that she’s a sue.
Also no adult should be responding with enthusiasm because it’s cute, she should be dressed for traveling and not for impressing the other girls at middle school.
One, crit.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11747631/1/A-World-Without-Pokemon
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“Pokemon are now…now are not allowed to be owned. The Poke policWith that Chris and Machop climbed down the ladder. He heard to voices in the living room. They were talking about hating to have to ‘house sit’ because of the trigger happy government. Chris and Machop slowly walked down the stairs. The police men were luckily looking at the tv. Bianca, Julie, and another person were collapsed near the couch they were sitting at. Chris teared up but quickly regained his senses.
“Machop double kick” whispered Chris.
e have been dispatched to all houses containing Pokemon. And…if uh… I can’t do this, I own a Pokemon for god’s sake!” A man appeared quickly on the screen and the screen went black. ”
BOOM, a shot and a scream were heard. Everyone in the room gasped. The screen flipped back, a blood stain on the wall and a man with a military uniform now appeared on the television.
“Pokemon are now outlawed. Anyone caught outside with one will be shot on sight. Stay in your house and do not leave until the Police have taken your Pokemon. The Pokemon Government thanks you for your compliance.”]
Okay the only possible reason for doing this is if the idea is to consolidate power in the police/military by making them the only ones with pokemon. If they’re trying to do this with guns, the trainers with their magic doom monsters will slaughter them.
[The door was quickly opened, Police rushed in checking every room in the house.
Bianca started crying. She was hugged by Julie. The leader of the group signaled to the others.
“Shoot them.” he said coldly.
“But sir, they are innocent.”
“Shoot them or else private.”
“Please don’t make me kill another family sergeant, please I beg you!”
BOOM, BOOM, BOOM 3 shots rang out in the house. ]
Okay so now they’re just shooting people for fun, and also still no one’s remembered about the magic doom monsters their entire culture revolves around using for fights being able to fight.
Write out numbers with letters.
Ah, but now that the mom and sister are dead the boy suddenly remembers that he can use his pokemon to kill and is totally cool and chill and badass about it while his other sister is scared and useless, but then their dad commits suicide which yeah, you were the one with the great plan to hide yourself and the pokemon while leaving your wife to get shot killing yourself is a good idea, and so they sob.
This makes no sense. It makes so little sense every few lines of dialogue someone’s saying that events make no sense. Think about what you’re writing.
One, crit.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11747994/1/Hopeful-My-New-Life
Listing the basics of your setting isn’t enough for a first chapter.
One, crit.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11748097/1/Gible-s-Involvement-Rewrite
[And right behind the thirteen-year-old Kanto native, running on all fours, Pikachu cried out syllables of his name full heartedly which matched his trainer’s enthusiasm. He too was just as eager to meet up with his old friend held within the red and white sphere. ]
Okay so synonyms and extra detail is not always a good idea. If you can say something clearly or you can twist language into a broken sobbing pretzel, go with clearly.
[Taking a few more refresher breath, a smirk replaced his panting lips as Ash held out his retrieved poké ball at eye level, the top of its smooth, red exterior glistened upon contact with the sun’s rays, Ash’s eyes briefly doing the same soon after. ]
A lot of this reads like you’re trying to do a storyboard, but the thing is, images convey information very differently than text and also stuff that would work if you were literally telling people what frames to use (panting lips art is then replaced by smirking lips art at 2.22 sec) sounds utterly bizarre when it’s supposed to be a story itself.
[the grayish-blue Land Shark Pokémon. ]
Shouldn’t be capitalized.
[But she removed her hands away regardless. ]
Your writing is just generally awkward. If she removes her hands, they’re being moved away, so saying away again is at best repetitive and at worst confusing.
Two. It’s a rewrite and these problems seem to be common to rewrites – you’ve already got the frame in place so it’s really easy to try to polish up every sentence while not paying much attention to what the resulting thing actually means.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11748098/1/Onwards-To-Kalos-Prep
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
[ To even be admitted to these schools, your grades have to be to perfection. I’m not talking Bs and Cs. I mean straight As in all subjects. ]
The pokemon world has some shockingly lax standards if a character thinks they need to clarify that incredibly selective schools won’t take kids with Bs and Cs and that “perfection” is just straight As with no demand to get a plus on it. I’d expect an actually crazy selective school to want more than just the standard 4.0 gpa.
[The principal would like to see you all in pairs. ]
Nope, not how it’s done.
Now, he might have people come in groups if they know what kids were accepted into what and all those kids come in at once. But he wouldn’t just happen to say exactly two people at a time and it just so happens it’s Main Character and Buddy together. If you want that, work out a better way to have it happen – you could even just have the kids line up with both of them next to each other and then say that Amber asks if Ben can come in at the same time for moral support.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Don’t ask for OCs. Make up what OCs your story actually needs to fit whatever purpose you need them for.
One.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11748102/1/The-Sombre-Snow
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
If you’re going to have pokemon characters, you really should think more about how you’re writing them rather than just making them humans with element powers.
One.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11748252/1/Dating-a-pokemon
Capitalize your title properly.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Spellcheck and proofread.
[ When I thought we were done for a kirlia ran from the forest and shocked the muts with a thunderbolt, the dogs scattered off into the forest with their tails between their legs yelping every so often. The kirlia walked over to me and took one of my empty pokeballs pressed the button and with 3 shacks and a “ping” I had myself a kirlia, I named her Runa she seemed to love the name. ]
That’s ridiculously convenient.
Zero. Does illustrate the creepy similarities between your standard pokemon stuff and waifu dreamgirl stuff.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11748294/1/Hunting
[From a distance, a weavile looked onto the concerned beast. She dropped down from her ledge and took several steps forward. “Evening? Is everything all right?” ]
So this is showing how “Evening” isn’t a very good name because it’s also something you might just say to someone on its own.
Not sure what else to make of this. A problem is brought up and a solution decided on, but we don’t actually see the events behind it – we don’t know why the group is there or what sort of person the beartic is, we don’t see any of these close calls, we don’t know why they’re there at all instead of at the iron bird city that’s apparently fine as a refuge or why they left the moors originally. Without all that, it’s hard to understand that the stakes are here. And because you don’t actually show anything but just tell about how interesting stuff has happened off-camera, it means that there’s only the absol’s word for any of this and he could just be wrong or lying, which I don’t think was your intent at all.
I’m not sure if starting all the way back at their arrival is necessary, but at least show some of their daily life and the close calls the absol encounters while explaining their backstory before the reveal that actually the beartric are trying to kill them for some reason.
One, crit.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11748312/1/To-Destroy-Or-to-Love-Team-Rocket
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Write out numbers with letters.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11748441/1/Four-Points-to-a-Triangle
Prettily written but little to do with pokemon, to the point where they’re apparently going camping safely without any fear of wild ones. The only moment pokemon enters into it, it’s awkwardly – Jake leaving to be a trainer when he’s not any good should mean he’ll wash out even quicker than usual, and usual doesn’t seem particularly long, so how much of a problem would that really be?
One, crit.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11748871/1/Pokemon-XYZ-Rising-Shadows
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[The human wore an outfit that resumed them ]
Resembled. Consider getting a beta reader.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11748983/1/Just-A-Taste
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11748991/1/Pokemon-Darkest-Betrayals-chapter-1
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[The story Ash’s Ultimate Quest is now canceled, sorry if you loved that story. I was not getting famous by that story, so this fanfic will be my greatest fanfic I ever created. ]
That would involve effort on your part.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11749196/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-XYZ-Dream-Death-Destiny
[On a road in the north section of Lumiose City in the Kalos Region of France, a beautiful girl with black hair, which fell past her shoulders, and blue eyes walked down the street. ]
If you find that jamming description into your sentence is destroying its structure, consider not trying to say all of it at once instead.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks.
[For the next hour, Leaf caught up on her studies and Starmie and Chandelure kept watch while the rest of her Pokémon team trained with one another, Venusaur sparring with Garchomp while Jolteon sparred with Tyranitar. None of the Pokémon went anywhere close to all out against one another and all of the matches ended in draws, or went down to points. Venusaur was primarily training in his agility while Garchomp was eager to train not only in close combat, which was her strong point, but also in some ranged combat by using attacks like Stone Edge. She would not dare use a technique like Earthquake inside a building, even at low levels, a lesson that Tyranitar was ignoring as he could scarcely score a hit on the incredibly speedy and agile Jolteon. While Earthquake was, indeed, a powerful attack, even at low power, it could also be dangerous to use inside a building, especially a vacant one like this that may have had structural issues. Leaf was quick to point that out to Tyranitar. ]
Your writing seems really disorganized and repetitive.
[Leaf stood up from her chair and assumed a fighter’s stance. She waited for Tyranitar to come in a little closer before stepping out of the way and sticking her foot out. The massive Pokémon tripped over her foot and began to stumble forward ]
He’s a rock godzilla. He wouldn’t trip over her foot, he’d snap it in half.
Crossovers should be posted to the crossover section.
Extended scenes of people being super bored and doing stuff to pass the time really isn’t very interesting subject material for a story.
One, which I guess is crit-ish?
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11749326/1/Shots
People standing in a coffee shop doesn’t become interesting just because their names are colors and there’s another more interesting thing that has characters with those color names.
[Yellow smirked. “Well, for your information, I’m not sure how you can drink shots. They’re gross!”
He smiled. “It’s definitely an acquired taste.”
Yellow grinned. “Maybe I should give it a go, then.”
Next Wednesday, Yellow entered the coffee shop.
It was her turn to be late this time.
Green was sitting at the same table from last week, with two coffees.
He grinned and gestured to the empty chair. “Care to join me?”]
Just use said.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11749393/1/Pokemon-Adventures-in-Inosa-Book-1
Starting a story with your character waking up is terribly overdone and was boring the first time.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[She puts her clothes on which are a small black and pink dress that looks like a shirt and a skirt put together. She also put on black boots, a white and pink hat, and her light pink bag/purse thing. She goes out the door to head over to the Professor’s lab. Her name is Garnet and she is starting her Pokemon Adventure today. ]
Her outfit is terrible for traveling, so no, she can’t possibly be.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
You really need to have some sort of reason for fakemon. If they’re just yet another pokemon with a leaf on it, bipedal clawed fire type, and flippered water type, you could’ve just given them the standard ones.
Everyone’s already familiar with the standard practice of getting a pokemon from a professor. If you have an actual original plot to this, skip ahead to that. If you don’t, you should stop and figure that out first.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11749466/1/Once-in-a-Lifetime-Tales-of-Eeveelution
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.
[Father had taken Kagehikari and darted away, outpacing everything the Trainer had sent after him, while Mother had taken it upon herself to try to hold them off, almost getting captured herself in the attempt. She probably would have been, but Father had deposited him in a thick bush and returned to help, and together they had managed to fend off the Trainer. Kagehikari himself had only fuzzy memories of the event, but he knew that ever since then Mother had trained relentlessly. ]
I really appreciate that this isn’t the same standard dad fights/mom nurtures bit.
[ “All right. I think I know what your problem is, Hikari. You’re going too fast. Swift isn’t supposed to be impossible to dodge, it’s supposed to be impossible to escape. Think less speed, more agility. If you can bring the stars around, then dodging doesn’t do much good, because your opponent still has to worry about them coming back and hitting again.” ]
That’s a really good point. I’d been thinking it was odd he had difficulty and needed practice when swift is one of the autohit moves.
And I like how chaotic the whole battle is.
Overall, this is pretty good. It’s nice to see a story focusing on pokemon that aren’t functioning just like humans.
[Umbreon can access dark-type moves by tapping into their emotions. Repeated use of these attacks, however, can cause emotional problems and erratic behavior, including limiting their ability to use moonlight. Many Umbreon avoid using these powers, relying on their other abilities and attacks to outlast opponents unless necessary. ]
It doesn’t make much sense that the dark type evolution needs a hack to get access to its own move type and than it’s so bad for them overall that they usually avoid it.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11749466/2/Once-in-a-Lifetime-Tales-of-Eeveelution
Also well-written, but it just ends up highlighting how uncomfortable intelligent pokemon are when combined with traditional trainer setups. Tracy’s trainer seems like a really good one, but the fact she’s afraid of getting ordered to use a physical attack on an electrified pokemon as if she doesn’t have the option of refusing and has to pick her evolution based on what’s convenient for her trainer (and based on opportunity now so her trainer won’t have the chance to evolve her into something she doesn’t want) is pretty unsettling. Even the pokeball bit, as idyllic as it is, still involves her sitting around in a very small, static setting with nothing to do and that’s presumably where she spends most of her life.
This would be better if there was a greater sense of partnership – if she’s afraid of the charged electrike but just in the sense she doesn’t know what to do now and her trainer does, rather than seeming to be afraid her trainer will miss the problem and order something painful she’ll have to obey, for example. And if she wasn’t having to give up her preferred evolution because it wasn’t the best fit for the team, or at risk of being evolved into one she hated.
[They can’t actually “breathe” underwater; a Vaporeon’s ruff hides a set of gills on their necks that they use instead of their lungs. ]
That’s pretty much what people mean by breathing underwater.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11749466/3/Once-in-a-Lifetime-Tales-of-Eeveelution
Hm. I really like how naturalistic this one is, but it’s weird how she’s apparently the only eevee in the area that manages to turn into a glaceon despite the obvious benefits of that adaption. And she’d make for a really good provider/protector of her children, so it’s also odd the rest of the eevee shun her instead of viewing her as the best possible mate.
Zero, sadly.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11749484/1/The-betrayed-Champion
Capitalize your title properly.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Don’t label flashbacks, it should be obvious from context.
Names are always capitalized, not just if you feel like it.
This version of Ash-betrayal involves yaoi. Is that common or a new mutation? Is it why this one has zero reviews?
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11749508/1/Random-Pok%C3%A9mon-Adventure-Part-1
Don’t label flashbacks, it should be obvious from context.
Legendaries acting like idiots isn’t actually inherently funny. Quite the opposite, in fact.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11749586/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Faith-at-the-Academy
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
“Your” is possessive, “you’re” is short for “you are”.
One, the author.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11749750/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Island-Locators
[she felt herself lose conscience. ]
Consciousness. The other thing is your sense of right and wrong.
I’m not sure this was a good choice for a first chapter, particularly not the whole of one. Now that she’s a pokemon with no memories, does it particularly matter that we saw her on the cliff or that she had blue hair? All this really does is show us that there’s nothing particularly important or unique about pre-pokemon-with-amnesia her. If the idea is to show her basic character that’ll stay the same…well, all she does is worry about if the cliff is safe then get talked into it, which isn’t particularly unusual.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11749809/1/Origins
Starting a story with your character waking up is terribly overdone and was boring the first time.
Similarly, everyone’s seen the opening of the game and they’ve even seen all the resulting jokes about being a boy or a girl.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
When even your characters are trying to rush through this because everyone already knows, maybe reconsider including it.
If your battle is just a listing of attack/it hit like the games, remember that we could just go play the games and don’t need to read fanfic for that.
Really, the only marginally interesting thing here is that Red loses, and that’s still only unusual in the sense of happens less often rather than actually new given how many, many, many other versions of this have already been written.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11749957/1/kalos-high
Capitalize your title properly.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11750256/1/Sometimes-I-Question-My-Life
Write out numbers with letters.
[ (You would know this if you read his description in my profile) ]
Don’t put notes in your story and if something’s relevant, it belongs in the actual narration and not somewhere completely separate.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
The extended swordfight sections are just irritating, and the fact you drag them out so long makes it worse. Your character doesn’t show any sign of real skill, you’re just saying whatever stupid thing he does works because he’s a sue.
“It’s” means “it is”. “Its” is the possessive form.
[“Hm… well okay then, but before I go, I would like to ask a question.”
“Sure, ask away.”
“Why do you three live in an abandoned city?”
The boy stopped in his tracks.
“I… don’t know.” he said, before walking into his room
“Hm… well, okay then.”]
A story that’s just random nonsense happening because you’re too lazy to think up real reasons isn’t much of a story.
One.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11750408/1/Chains-Of-Fate
So the summary says one of the characters is a prostitute and yet the character this chapter is someone being forced to strip if she doesn’t want to have her throat slit. Really hoping you don’t think that’s the same thing.
Your dialogue should end in question marks when it’s a question and also you’re missing quotation marks in a bunch of places.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11750412/1/POWER-OF-THE-STALLIONS
ALLCAPS titles are one of those things that are banned. Nonstory chapters are another.
[ some of the idea’s. ]
Never use apostrophes for plurals.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Three because betrayal and asking for suggestions. One is sorta crit.0