In which there is an Ash betrayal fic where a reviewer lays out just how overpowered Ash should be to be interesting, a fic written entirely about what a character would do, six year olds who don’t act like six year olds and adults who are probably trying to get everyone killed, and some godawful spinoff of some other godawful Ash sue fic.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12332261/1/The-Last-Beast

[She wobbled on her left leg, trying not to force too much effort upon it, sweat droplets forming down her head. But only just. It had recovered a great deal since she made those beautiful stone statues, her finest art piece yet. She hadn’t exactly been checking into hospitals, asking for doctors to fix her frostbitten limb, so there was no real cure than to just wait it out. The leg brace warmer she had found helped in the long run, but it still wasn’t enough. If anything, it began to worsen over the years she had spent secluded in her laboratory, secluded from humanity. ]

…uh, frostbite means at least some of you has frozen, which is fatal for that bit. If it’s deep enough she’s got nerve damage and not just some temporary surface blistering, it’s deep enough large chunks of her flesh are dead and going to rot as soon as they warm up, not a slow over the years degeneration. If you want frostbite to be why her leg is bad, go with surgery – losing sections of muscle will make walking difficult, or lopping off her whole foot and needing a prosthetic.

[She took it upon the liberty of sewing and stitching identical pieces of fabric to make it complete again, the burn marks barely faded away.]

Burn marks don’t really fade. I get the impression you meant to say something other than you did here.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

[ They come in here and expect battles to be something like a turn-based system,]

This is awkwardly put for the sake of the reference. “expect us to take turns” would still get the joke across well enough but actually sounds like an observation of someone in the world, rather than someone looking in making a comment about how in this fic, it doesn’t work like the games.

Four reviews.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12332380/1/Adventure-Through-Sinnoh

There are just shy of ten thousand stories just on this site in this category with “pokemon” in their title. “New” features in almost two thousand. There are over six hundred “chronicles”, more if you include misspellings, even more with “begins” and “beginning”, and even more “Character Name”‘s whatever. There are a thousand with “legend”. There are two thousand with “journey”, seventeen hundred with “story”, three hundred fifty with “quest”, and almost three thousand with “adventure”. The different region names appear another thousand or two times. “Saga”, “region” and “champion” come in around a few hundred. In sum, you should try to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it’s yet another story about a pokemon trainer.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, thousands upon thousands of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Two, one trying to praise sandwich. This is why praise sandwich sucks, people.

Also, this completes the 21^st.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12332640/1/Pokemon-poems

Poem.

Zero, of course.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12332704/1/The-Legend-of-the-Pokemon-Guardians

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Spellcheck.

Three, two of which complain about the spelling.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12332760/1/A-Brock-Poem

Another poem.

Also zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12332842/1/Melted

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[and to deal with her depressing lost. ]

Loss. You have a lot of similar errors. Proofread and get a beta reader.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12332900/1/Pokemon-Reset-Bloodlines-Arnold-Interlude

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Yes, Arnold is a Bloodliner. His mother found out he could use the move Lock-On when he was six years old. They were playing catch and Arnold wanted to try a few tricks that he said he was practising in secret. He showed her his tricks and no matter what direction he threw the ball in, including behind him, they would always curve to his mother to ensure he never missed. Anna realised immediately that this was because her son was using a Pokemon move and told Arnold that he must never do that in front of another person ever or they might hurt him.

Though Arnold didn’t understand it at the time, he was a good boy and obeyed his mother, never showing or telling anyone about what he can do. As Bloodliner hysteria increased in the regions, Arnold began to understand just why he might get hurt if another person found out.]

Look. Either explain it properly in this fic, or else don’t post it separate from whatever fic this is part of.

Right now, you haven’t explained what the pokemon moves actually mean – “bloodliner” sure sounds like it should be inherited and (generally like it was copied off Naruto), but you make no mention of his mother having any ability or her referencing his father and then we meet another kid who’s rejected by both parents, and otherwise seems to function in the fic as having nothing at all to do with actual bloodlines. You also don’t explain if the idea is they’re descended from pokemon or if they’re totally human and just happen to have pokemon abilities because. Finally and most importantly, you don’t explain why people hate them – at least Naruto made a point of terrifyingly overpowered abilities combined with the aftermath of a war, so it was pretty easy to work out why some areas weren’t fans. Here, even if a human had a dangerous ability like flamethrower, they’re still less dangerous than any of the superpowered magic animals everyone loves and lives with.

Maybe there are decent answers to this, but you completely failed to give them, and the plotline is completely irrelevant to it – it’s just “boy meets girl, Team Rocket appears, boy and girl fight back (in a way that could’ve been done without magic abilities) and inspire town to drive Team Rocket off”, with no actual resolution on the secret abilities or everyone hating them front.

This is apparently connected to some godawful Ash mary sue fic with time travel and harem but it’s okay TvTropes explains it’s tasteful as fuck.

Two, because coattails are there to be ridden.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12333059/1/The-Crown-and-the-Flame

[You’re parents]

Your.

Well, I have no clue where you’re going with this, but I really love how you say it all, particularly the gory beauty of the opening.

Also two! Mere parity still isn’t really justice, but it’s better than it could be.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12333060/1/Tales-of-the-Moon-family

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

[This is the first time I’ve been awake in a while the first two years i don’t remember and the next two are nothing but a mix of images and coolers.]

Then how does he know how many years are passing? Don’t write from the viewpoint of someone who has no idea what’s happening if you want to say exactly what’s happening.

Also, your grammar is atrocious. Try harder and get a beta reader.

Two, both criticizing the grammar.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12333479/1/Pokemon-Opal

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Write out numbers with letters.

Why is this entire thing written as “she would”? This reads like your only experience with writing is with the worst roleplay group imaginable.

At least I’m pretty sure that’s a roleplay fuckup – comes out of the idea you can’t dictate others’ action or inaction, so you say a whole lot of what you would do assuming nothing else came up. There’s no other explanation I know of for why literally every sentence of this is “she’d” or “she would” as the most banal and boring day goes by.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12333528/1/Mine

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[All of this because I tried to get some food, she thought, jumping over a rotten log. I didn’t know that I was on their hunting ground. I tried to tell them that I was sorry, but they don’t care. She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, fighting back scared tears. All they want to do is kill me now…]

So, here’s the thing. If you’re writing a story with, say, talking wolves, it’s not necessarily true that deer talk. However, there generally aren’t animals in pokemon fic. That means if there’s hunting, it’s hunting of pokemon. So, these pokemon hunt other pokemon for food and by the sounds of it, so does the eevee or else she wouldn’t expect them to be mad she happened to be in the area – wolves don’t get angry deer eat grass on their land, after all.

But in that case, why would they be mad? Why would she expect an apology to matter? Why is she acting like pokemon who eat other pokemon trying to eat her is some rare cruelty based on trespassing as opposed to just how hunting works? Why is she insisting the predators are evil monsters for trying to eat her in particular?

[“Three against one, that doesn’t sound like a fair fight,” Absol commented, glaring at the Persians.]

Luckily, no one claimed it was a fight, let alone a fair one.

Look, if you want this to be territorial bullying, say she’s in trouble because she ate their berries rather than everyone acting outraged that predator/prey interactions happen to have affected a cute fluffy thing.

[“Was she worth this?” the Persian leader asked, looking at the hurt and unconscious Pokémon around them.

“Yes,” Absol ground out. “Protecting the weak is always worth it.”]

Then why did he never do anything about all the pokemon the persians eat? Imagine the next town over eats people, and everyone knows they eat people, yet someone makes a big deal about saving one single person they happened to run into by chance.

[“Leave us alone,” Eevee ordered with a low growl. “Take your pack and go back to your own grounds and I promise that you won’t be attacked by me again. Okay?”]

And it continues to somehow be okay they eat everyone else as long as they don’t harm the two main characters. Such heroes.

Two.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12333626/1/Love-of-Pokemon-and-Trainer

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

This is an interesting idea but I’m not too impressed with the execution. A lot of this reads more like a summary than anything. Did you need to explain that the standard professor and starter events happen or the standard journey happened? Then the unique events of this are dealt with in about as little detail. There’s really nothing here as far as characterization goes. Their interactions with their pokemon and their response to their illness is all completely generic, which particularly undermines the end when it’s supposed to matter than they in particular came back as a yamask but they have nothing in particular about them.

[You hesitated a bit, but then remembered your mask and held it up for your Starter and the others to see.

It did look very familiar to them… they then came slightly closer, sniffing as if to get your scent…it was a Yamask scent…but still you.]

And what else about them is uniquely them? If another yamask had stolen the mask, would they have even noticed? Your character doesn’t say hi to them, doesn’t tell them about their friendship and bond, doesn’t do anything to demonstrate their personality or relationship.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12333763/1/The-tale-of-three-souls

Capitalize your title properly.

[This is my first ever story so it’s not good but it was typed on phone at midnight so give me some credit.]

No. No one held a gun to your head and forced you to post immediately. You were entirely capable of coming back to it later and editing your horribly convoluted sentences into something halfway readable.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12334044/1/Nobody-Like-Your-First

Write out numbers with letters.

[big magenta eyes]

So she’s blind then.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Fayth’s ears perked up as she darted her eyes around the room. Great, looks like I’ll be rooming with some snot-nosed boy, she thought.]

This really does not sound like a six year old.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[“My mom didn’t think I was ready to go out on my journey, DESPITE her giving me the two most powerful Pokémon like, ever.”]

Really getting the impression here that you forgot you started off saying she was six.

…yup, now she’s being horribly embarrassed by parental affection. Six year olds and teens are pretty different.

[“She used to capture and steal all kinds of rare and exotic Pokémon, and whatever she didn’t sell, she added to her own personal collection.” He lightened his frown. “When she decided to turn over a new leaf, she got good at battling and training them instead. She was amazing.” He went silent for a few minutes, and then suddenly, as if he weren’t able to contain it, said “You’d think she’d have taught her daughter something before handing her Pokémon like that.”]

It sure does seem like a plot hole that someone very familiar with dealing with angry pokemon would forget they were dangerous, yes.

If you want a plot about a kid getting handled badly behaved giant doom monsters by a stupid parent, why not a rich non-trainer parent who bought them off a poacher, rather than a skilled trainer who shouldn’t be screwing up like this?

[“You’re not going to take her Pokémon, are you?”

“It wouldn’t do her any good to keep using them, don’t you think? Next time she might lose more than just an arm.”

“It also wouldn’t do any good separating her from her Pokémon. You said she has to prove herself to them, right? How is she gonna do that when she doesn’t even have them to train with? And you can’t just take somebodies Pokémon away, that makes you no better than Team Rocket.” Alex wasn’t looking at him anymore. She bit her lip in spite of her little outburst. Sure, Star and Skye were dangerous, and they weren’t trained…but Pokémon are companions, partners, even family to some. And, if she understood correctly, those two were Fayth’s only connection back home. Alex knew she kept her’s close.

The professor simply looked at the pouting child, obviously worked up. He chuckled with tired eyes. “You’re a smart kid, you know that?]

No, she’s a complete idiot, and apparently the professor is as well.

I mean, [You said she has to prove herself to them, right? How is she gonna do that when she doesn’t even have them to train with? ] If a kid jumps into the deep end and almost drowns, you don’t call someone a monster for saying that they need to stick to the shallows and wear water wings until they learn how to doggypaddle.

If you, the author, really want her to keep her shiny overpowered pokemon then you need to write something where keeping them will just be troublesome, rather than a painfully stupid idea that will get her and everyone else killed.

[ So, I’m going to ask you. If I give you these to give back to Fayth, do you truly believe you can help her tame them?” ]

Also you probably think this is him being a nice guy but what’s actually happening here is he’s telling a little kid who believes taking away pokemon is the worst thing ever that he’ll do just that unless she, who again, is a little kid, puts her own life on the line and accepts the blame for any other fallout because hey, he asked her if she could handle it and made her promise she really truly could!

Zero.

Also, now done with the 22^nd!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12334524/1/A-Wish-Gone-Wrong

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

[He has gone into the forest the more often now, due to him being best friends with one of the Pokémon in the forest; a Tepig he has known since it was an egg. ]

If you want to do the song and dance about how your character makes friends with the forest pokemon, pick an actual forest pokemon rather than some rare starter that’s never found wild.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

One, containing crit.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12334539/1/Legacy-of-Tomorrow-Remastered

[I wanted to make Gen 7 the highlight for atleast 1 arc because Gen 7 is Best Gen (Come at me Genwunners)]

You realize the seventh gen is pretty much built around being nostalgia fanservice? It’s about as bold an opinion as your betrayal fic about Ash is.

Spellcheck.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Sentences always end in punctuation, not just sometimes.

“OH MY GOD, THIS CHAPTER TOOK ME A GODDAMN WEEK TO FINISH. Also this shit has 1,600+ words in the first chapter.” Jesus christ kids today.

Two reviews. One’s…well:

“hope you plan ash improve to become more powerful than kira, red and other legend (pull a tobias or a kira by kicking full team of strong trainers with a single pokemon), use his aura at godlike level (means kick powerful pokemon hand to hand).

i don’t think this story would be interesting to me if ash doesn’t finally turn stronger than the oc and by himself (means, the oc only learns him the good way of training and aura, but nothing more, no oc choosing ash pokemon, showing or catching pokemon for him or train most of ash pokemon)”

So I guess that’s why people keep writing this, every fic tries to make Ash overpowered to the point of parody and yet none of them can stuff enough godlike abilities in.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12334755/1/The-heroic-Gym-leader

Capitalize your title properly.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Why are they taking a human child to the pokecenter? Do hospitals not exist?

Also, for god’s sake, just use “said”.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12334781/1/Spark-a-Revolution

This doesn’t make much sense.

For starters, this is written like people are locked into their teams and no one just reacts by saying this is crazy and they quit. The combination of phone game and real pokemon is really awkward.

[I felt my flash flush. “We’re not doing nothing,” I spoke up. “But if we fight back, it only proves Instinct’s point! That Mystic and Valor are bullies, picking on the little guy.”

“So we let them take over?” He shot back. “Just get comfy while they take our gyms, the ones we fought for?” He was suddenly on his feet.

“Yes!” The second I heard myself say it, I knew I shouldn’t have.]

Maybe that’s because it makes no sense. None of your setup does.

Because taking over gyms is mean, it’s wrong to get in Instinct’s way as they take over gyms? Because Instinct straight up murdered someone, the other teams are aggressive bullies?

Also, “spoke” is not a synonym for “said”, and you probably mean “face”, not “flash”. Proofread better.

[“Everything got out of control, but if you keep threatening someone, of course they’ll fight back.”]

You really should’ve given the setup of this more thought.

The arguments your character is making require everyone to be at fault, but for some reason you decided to give Instinct no actual grievances beyond petty jealousy the other teams were doing better and appear to be the only ones escalating things.

If the other teams are stronger and bullying Instinct, then why wasn’t it an Instinct trainer who was the first casualty? If what went wrong was a Mystic or Valor killing an Instinct, then Instinct forming up into groups to fight the other teams is just answering in kind and your character arguing for moderation rather than escalating further actually sounds like a levelheaded Mystic response rather than the lunatic coward you have now.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12334865/1/A-League-of-My-Own

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[“Gliscor, use Sludge Bomb.”

“Mirror Coat, Electrode.” I smirked.]

If you’re going to write a fic that’s just pure battling, you need to do better than opponents being idiots so your character can smug about how great he is and reality itself warping so that the other pokemon just can’t get off any moves – seriously, electric types can’t hit a gyarados in a rainstorm?

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

Two, one complaining about the stupid battles too.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12334977/1/The-Case

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12334991/1/The-End-of-the-Road

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Write out numbers with letters.

This says surprisingly little about actually being a champion. It feels like it should be going somewhere, but plotwise, there just isn’t anything here – Chibi is thrilled to be champion and it was her dream. Diantha is emotional about the change, which is something people don’t often get into, but it’s also pretty obvious. Then it ends with her pokemon getting registered. Chibi has some backstory, but it doesn’t really connect up to what’s happening right now. Diantha suggests there’s more coming with actually being a champion but gives no detail and it doesn’t really seem to affect Chibi’s feelings.

I guess what it comes down to is, there’s really nothing here that’s a surprise. It’s pretty much what would be expected.

One, nicer but saying similar things.