Nicely varied batch.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10994092/1/One-For-All
[Collection of Pokemon stories/ficlets/drabbles. ]
Really not synonyms.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
This is all rather choppy and twisted up.
[Then came the hunger, the pain of being alone will never come, but hunger was there gnawing at it from the inside ]
Like what’s up with this? I think you’re trying to say it’s now literally hungry and that’s different from the loneliness, but “the pain of being alone will never come” is a very convoluted way of saying there is no pain in being alone for it, and yet you immediately go on to say it yearns for someone to care about it.
It’s also not clear why the spearow is so dead-set on hiding from trainers who want it. It’s miserable and lonely, how is it maintaining such high standards about precisely why someone should want it?
The idea that the spearow ends up being killed by one of the very trainers trying to get it is a good twist but not pulled off well – if he’s mad the girl caught it first and can beat her up, it’s more productive to just steal it, and even if that somehow didn’t occur to him immediately, once he found himself beating the spearow up why didn’t he weaken it and steal it rather than keep pummeling it until it died? You need a clear mechanism for how someone motivated by wanting it for his own kills it.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10994092/2/One-For-All
[Crawling down the wall, it began to spin its web. A dream catching design, with the slowly woven borders and the hole in the middle, all wonder passed safely as evil was soundly caught. The young trainer who was his partner thought it ironic, how the whole goal of a police Pokemon was to catch evil.]
That’s not irony.
The idea of an ariados helping catch criminals is a nice one, but the writing is still really convoluted.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10994092/3/One-For-All
This is an aspect I hadn’t thought of before. The resolution is kind of abrupt, though – maybe if there was more on what being left behind meant, and why avoiding that was first a big motivation and then, when it happens, the flabebe almost immediately decides it’s no big deal.
Five.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10994265/1/Nightingale-Blues
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
This reads like it’s original fiction with a bunch of Serious Homeless Thoughts, and not like it’s about the characters or setting of Pokemon.
Blocked! Apparently got them already.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10994384/1/Pokemon-Unova-Adventures-The-Tale-of-Two-Friends
“Its” is possessive, “it’s” means “it is.”
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Lewis was more than eligible to get his first Pokemon, due to him being six years pass the recommended age, but he decided that he wanted to wait for the right moment to go. Not sure why, but that’s just how he felt. ]
Like getting his ass kicked by eleven year olds?
Also blocked!
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10994474/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Team-Dream
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
“Its” is possessive, “it’s” means “it is.”
It’s hard to care about deaths when the story is just “this character lived in a place, then everybody else was killed”.
Two, concrit.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10994479/1/Cloudy-Days
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
This reads more like you wanted to write about pre-college angst than anything more connected to fanfic, and I don’t see why you thought Leaf was a suitable choice for someone who had absolutely no talents whatsoever and was terrified of even trying. And the resolution that she becomes his secretary/general handler just comes off as sexist.
[Because I’m Oak’s Grandson ]
Also, if it’s not a name or used in place of one, don’t capitalize.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10994660/1/My-Lovers-Like-The-Sunlight
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
And aside from that this just reads like original fiction.
One, concrit.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10994991/1/Pokemon-destiny
Use capital letters.
Spellcheck.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
One: LonleySoul935 chapter 1 . 12h ago
Good start, will Zoey and Dawn be in the harem? Can you add May as well?
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10995218/1/Purple-Heart
Poem.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10995315/1/Spiritbound
Write out numbers with letters.
You’ve got a lot of typos here.
[“What? Me…like N?! Arceus no! Why would you even think that?!” I yelp. Cheren looks at me with a smug grin. A grin that always makes me want to punch him so bad.
“No, I know you like him,” he replied. I ball my hands into fists. Cheren knew I hated it when he accusedc e of liking N. I didn’t, no, I don’t like him! I didn’t like him then, and I don’t like him now!]
She’s been pining after him for two years, and you really don’t give much reason for her not want to admit it, so why would she still be insisting otherwise? This seems to be playing out just because it’s how things usually go in these types of stories rather than because it fits this particular one.
It’d probably make more sense if it was something like that she admitted to the original crush but was so mad at his disappearance she now insists she can’t stand him. Being angry at him (or angry at herself for missing him) would be an okay motivation. But giving her an actual reason makes her friends’ harassing her about it seem cruel, since he did disappear and all. For them to be teasing her in a friendly manner, they’d have to not actually believe she really liked him, because doing that when someone she cares about disappeared out of her life and for all they knew might never come back (or could’ve even died) is pretty mean. Maybe if they thought it was one-sided and believed she really was just getting mad because of how not interested in N she was.
Basically, two years of time jump doesn’t work well with her still being in the infatuation and denial stage, because she’s had a lot o time to think about how she feels and a lot of time to get upset at how long he’d been gone.
I do like the idea of this – the way she just forgets the whole argument as soon as Bianca says to come over because maybe N’s reappeared is a good way of showing her feelings, and I’m curious how she’d handle meeting him again.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10995323/1/Fighting-Grovyle
[The funny thing is that certain humans have turned into pokemon and come to this world. I have come across many humans as pokemon, the weird thing is that they don’t ever seem to be evil. I suppose this makes sense because a human is turned into a pokemon for a good reason. A human cannot be evil or they would not be sent to this world. ]
Editing is your friend. “It’s strange humans get turned into pokemon and it’s strange none of them are ever evil. Also it’s not strange at all because there’s a reason for turning them into pokemon and impossible for them to be evil.” Really?
One.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10995414/1/The-Team-Rocket-Show
Drabble is a writing exercise of 100 words exactly.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10995423/1/The-Wedding-You-Didn-t-Expect
[Ash had made the invitations himself, and they were works of art.
You’re Invited!
To: Ash Ketchum’s Wedding
When: April 1st, 2015
Where: Cerulean City
Time: 2:48 PM
See You There!
He was trying hide who his bride was, but it was obvious.]
I understand that you’re trying to hide it from the reader too, but this just makes Ash look like a raging narcissist who doesn’t even care enough to mention the person he’s marrying on the invitation about their own wedding. Also, his plan of inviting people to the wedding through deception seems like a terrible idea – either they’d be okay with it and show up anyway if he told them, or they’d flip out on the spot and he’d really regret inviting them. It’d be better to just not show the full invitation text, tell us that it’s in Cerulean, and let the reader draw the conclusions from there.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
Write out numbers with letters.
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
Three.
Cindy the Cyndaquil chapter 1 . Jan 24
That’s so sweet! But a boy Pikachu and Ash? That’s sort of wrong… oh well, it is what it is!
Interesting priorities.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10995434/1/Pokemon-A-new-Journey-Volume-7-The-Great-Data-Caper-Part-1
Got them already.
Six.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10995710/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Delta-Emerald
Stop using semicolons.
[-Each Pokémon will have its game cry, not the anime one;]
You are typing a story. No one is going to hear either. Why would you even tell people this.
[-There will be some fillers to stretch the story; ]
Nope. Filler is by definition something with no point in the story. You aren’t being paid by the word and no one’s going to murder you if your story ends below a certain wordcount either, so why exactly do you want to waste your time writing stuff that doesn’t matter just so you can waste any reader’s time scrolling through it to try to get to something interesting?
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
[“Yeah, I know. But I also know that I can do it if I believe! And since today I’ll get my first Pokémon, I will-“]
Nope. No one who wanted to be a great pokemon master would wait until fourteen to even start interacting with one.
[“What is your aspiration, anyway?”
“I would like to be the best Mysterious Pokémon Trainer”
“‘Mysterious Pokémon’? What are those?”
“It’s my term for classsifying Psychic, Dark and Ghost Pokémon” Kamon explained.]
Wow, your character sure is a smug prick. “I made up my own pretentious term for training a couple types, and even though no one else in the world knows what I mean and I know it, I can’t possibly just say, ‘I want to train psychic, dark and ghost pokemon.’ No, I’ll use my made-up term that no one knows because it’s more important they know what an awesome title I thought up, and also because it’s fun to make someone ask the same thing twice if they want to actually get an answer they can understand.”
[It’s the first chapter so nothing really important happened ]
Go to the library and look through books until you can find one where nothing important happens. Go on, I’m sure it won’t take forever or anything. After all, nothing important happening is totally what first chapter means.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10995986/1/Broken-Stems
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
One.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10996100/1/Wait-Pokemon-are-now-real-What
Don’t post something that isn’t a story.
[I need a couple of Ocs. For Rivals, some of the gym leaders and two criminals apart of Team Legend who try to capture the legendaries and shape the world the way they want it. ]
You don’t need people’s OCs. Make up ones yourself that actually fit the story you’re trying to tell.
When Give People Actual Advice month is over I may consider a Send In OCs And Laugh At The Trainwreck month.
One, concrit.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10996142/1/Amourshipping-Ash-Serena-Beloved
You should never need to open your story with a list of characters’ teams. If it matters in the least, they’ll be mentioned in the actual story.
“Its” is possessive, “it’s” means “it is.”
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
[Childhood love conquers love.]
What?
Two.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10996144/1/Youngster-Joey-World-Champion
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
This seems like it’s halfway realism and halfway crazy game logic, and it’d be stronger if it committed to either one.
You open with the crazy game logic half – he’s stuck there waiting because he knows he’s supposed to, then suddenly he sees Player Character, spouts nonsense and seems compelled into a battle. But then after he loses he seems to react like a regular person with a regular life – he has to go heal his pokemon, and he, quite reasonably, feels motivated to work harder and win next time. Sticking to the crazy game logic even after Player Character heads off would work (for example, healing his pokemon isn’t a consideration, and he feels compelled to stay where he is even though he’s just faced the person he felt he was supposed to wait for), as would going in the opposite direction and having him just be a regular kid training a rattata in the opening rather than feeling he has to hang out as an NPC waiting for the player to wander over.
One.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10996276/1/Through-Our-Bonds
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
[How was it that Haley had already formed such a strong bond that the Synchronization had already awakened? ]
…that’s not what synchronization does.
Write out numbers with letters.
[and the moment the two met was like 2 long list sisters seeing eachother for the first time. ]
Proofread.
[“Haley, Lily.” David spoke. “There is something you need to know. Through our family there is an ability known as the ‘Synchronization’. It connects your heart to that of your Pokemon and forms a strong connection between you. One of it’s effects, is that you’re able to understand Pokemon, not just the one you’re connected with. You can also give them more power if they need it in battle. And… and share life force.” ]
Okay but that’s not what synchronization does. I could sort of see the idea it makes communication possible, because it’s not like that comes up when it’s being used in game battles, but it very obviously doesn’t do power boosts or HP sharing.
Also, this all just seems terribly sueish.
I think there’s something interesting to do with the idea they share a life, since it means that battling with her pokemon can hurt her, but, especially given it’s right next to “you can flat out cheat in battle” it seems like that’ll just be used to mean her pokemon can take way more hits than it should be able to.
Similarly, like so many sues who can talk to pokemon, the ability is solely a matter of specialness and convenience. Here she is, able to speak to understand a huge group of people no one else can, and…it doesn’t change her life or do anything to make her act differently toward pokemon and we just jump to her being seventeen still hanging out with her riolu.
This doesn’t seem like it’s here because you had a great idea for a story using these elements but just because you wanted your character to be a giant pile of specialness.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10996313/1/Lies-and-Facades
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
[The ocean legendary kept her head down as to prevent the outburst of emotions. Her deep blue hair swept over her shoulders.
Why? He really wants to know why?
You tell her, why is it easier to say ‘You have the nerve to show your face in my presence!’ than say, ‘I am glad to see you’re here!’?
Why is it easier to say, ‘You’re an airhead!’ than say, ‘You’re cute!’?
Why is it easier to say, ‘I don’t want you here!’ than say, ‘I’m glad you’re around!’?]
The real question is why does she sound like a twelve year old?
Two.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10996365/1/Ash-Strikes-Back
Don’t open with a list of ages, if it matters it’ll come up in the story and if it doesn’t matter why is it there?
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Don’t label flashbacks.
[“FUCK ALL OF YOU, I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS. I AM GOING TO PROVE ALL OF YOU WRONG, JUST WAIT AND SEE!” Ash yelled]
I see you’re continuing the fine tradition of betrayal fic being terrible.
Look, if you’re incapable of writing a decent scene of Ash’s friends telling him he sucks, and given what I’ve seen it seems like everyone is, then don’t do a flashback to it in the first place. Just start with him afterward and have him think about how everyone turned on him and he hates them and he wants to prove them wrong.
Seven.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10996393/1/Comatose-Roses
[I’m basing this off of the Coma Theory, which basically says that when Ash got attacked by Spearows, he was hurt so badly that he was sent into a coma and that all of his adventures were simply dreams. ]
What. That’s not the coma theory at all, it’s that the whole pokemon thing is a regular kid making up a fantasy world after a crash puts them in a coma. That’s why a major feature of it is the fact real world animals used to show up in the background but disappeared.
(Being pecked doesn’t put you in a coma.)
[Unknown to him and his dream world, many a people had come to visit him. Misty, May, Dawn, Brock, Trip, Paul, Gary, all of those he had met in his mind. All with stories of their own dreams of the boy in his coma, traveling with him, battling with him, dining with him. It was something that science couldn’t explain…they just felt like they knew the Kanto native. ]
And that’s missing the point of it even more.
Look, if you want to do a coma thing then fine, but “coma theory” and “any fic where Ash is in a coma” are not interchangeable.
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
One.
Googling finds me lots of other people saying it starts with the spearow, because apparently the theory’s gotten progressively stupider over the years.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10996488/1/Dark-Chocolate
Got this already.
One.
End of Jan 24th!
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10996822/1/The-Egg-of-Tohjotillado
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
While I assume the idea is “if you insist trans people are just crazy and should get beaten up you’re evil and deserve something horrible happening to you”, having him sadistically murder someone isn’t really the best way of making that point, and basing this off another story where there’s indication the main character is grossly overreacting if not outright crazy to do so is definitely not the greatest choice.
Really, just smashing her skull in initially would’ve worked fine for your point, plus since everyone knows the whole brick thing, going through it again isn’t really shocking or anything.
Zero.
I guess it’s good there’s this much trans advocacy?
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10996858/1/How-Do-You-Quantify-Perfection
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
As to the storyline, I like it, particularly that the resolution isn’t simply he should give up and be happy being more normal but that he actually manages to succeed at his increasingly impossible goals before deciding he should move on.
Three.
Also sleep time now.
“When Give People Actual Advice month is over I may consider a Send In OCs And Laugh At The Trainwreck month.”
As someone who knows jack and shit about Pokemon canon, I feel the need to participate.
Maybe I should just spam them with Worm cast to see how those characters can be butchered.
That’s a little much, I think.
Unless of course the idea’s a joke, and if it is, you got me.
Mostly joking.
It would actually be interesting to give them Taylor just to see how much time it would take the writers to turn her into a special snowflake or completely misunderstand her character.
My bet would be one scene.
A lot of these “trainwrecks” never get moving unfortunately.
They all use similar forms, though, so you could hit enough of them that some would update.
If you could do a good pokemon equivilent of her powers, she’d actually be a good test of if the authors would rewrite her to be more marketable. Insect pokemon are relatively cuddly, so maybe her ability is to link up with grimer and muk. See if they can resist the temptation to say “suddenly her powers got better and she could bond with eevees and all other pokemon too!”
I was actually thinking about recreating her personality in a new world, without powers. Just have her be a bullied kid who went on a journey (unless the specific fic provides a different setup) because she wanted to escape it all.
The trainer journey is actually something that would appeal to bully victims: leave all your problems behind, go see new places, meet new people you can leave behind as well at any time, watch a lot of violence happening to other beings.
I like her personality, and I especially like that her issues don’t magically disappear even when she actually gets some therapy. They are the product of her experience, an integral part of her that is hard for her to work around or even notice, and they stay with her until the end.
And I wonder how long it would take an average writer to “fix” her or turn her into a complete bitch, depending on the direction.
If I were to recreate her power, I would probably go with her running away to cool down one day after some particularly vicious episode, stumbling upon a hive of some bug pokemon (so she would need to live in an area where stumbling upon a hive is halfway plausible), activating the psychic link in a suitably dramatic and emotional scene and then sticking around because it is the first place in a long time where she feels safe and in control.
It would be a safe haven for her where she can forget about all the problems of the outside world until plot interrupts her peace.
And no, she totally wouldn’t think about conquering the world with her bug army. That would be silly and wrong.
Well, maybe a town.Taylor would probably turn normal pretty quickly if she could actually just walk away from things – you could do the whole rival thing where her tormentors keep showing up, but it’d require the same author fiat where everyone she encounters sees ridiculously sadistic stuff happening to her at the hands of strangers and gives it a thumbs up.
And pokemon bugs top out at “not as cuddly as eevee but still pretty okay”. You could transfer the power but not the social stigma.
I think the closest setup would be to have her be at a trainer’s school – maybe a coordinator? That’d make the bugs more of an issue. Then she’s trapped with the other students in an environment where appearances are incredibly important. But it has the problem of why she’d keep trying to be a coordinator – you could just say she wants it in the same way she wants to be a hero, but being a hero has obvious value and being a coordinator really doesn’t.
Hm, yes, I can see the problem. While by the beginning of canon Taylor’s issues solidified enough that they would take a long time to work through, if she could just walk away earlier it wouldn’t leave as much of an impact.
There needs to be a way to keep the pressure long enough to produce the result. Some kind of external factor that keeps her in place.
“you could just say she wants it in the same way she wants to be a hero”
Actually, she wanted to be a hero because it provided an escape from her everyday life with the benefit of being in control of it – she was the one making decisions and acting rather than letting stuff to happen to her by will of her tormentors.
I don’t think that the coordinator position has the same merits.