Twelve pages full of wonky writing.
[Zach was sixteen years old, although
he could pass as somebody twenty-five or older. Of course, he
utilized this fact, as it certainly helped in… purchasing…
alcohol and drugs.]
he could pass as somebody twenty-five or older. Of course, he
utilized this fact, as it certainly helped in… purchasing…
alcohol and drugs.]
Okay, you go on to talk about how he’s
being used by the mafia, so why does he need to be able to pass as
old enough to buy drugs? Isn’t the mafia generally in the business of
getting drugs and selling them to others, not forcing their underage
members to buy it from other people?
being used by the mafia, so why does he need to be able to pass as
old enough to buy drugs? Isn’t the mafia generally in the business of
getting drugs and selling them to others, not forcing their underage
members to buy it from other people?
Also, you’re saying he’s a struggling
student, so why are you saying “utilize” and not “use”
like any normal person would?
student, so why are you saying “utilize” and not “use”
like any normal person would?
Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
[Even specimens of sin like Zach, she
would be altruistic towards. As the mind tends to do, Zach
misconstrued all of this as her favoring him. ]
would be altruistic towards. As the mind tends to do, Zach
misconstrued all of this as her favoring him. ]
Your narration continues to be really
at odds with your main character. It doesn’t seem to have any
purpose beyond being really jarring.
at odds with your main character. It doesn’t seem to have any
purpose beyond being really jarring.
And now they’re facing a vicious
cliché.
cliché.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Why are the pokemon obeying a guy who
took them off their original owner’s body?
took them off their original owner’s body?
Why does Zach have a deino when you
keep saying no one gives a damn about him?
keep saying no one gives a damn about him?
[Koffing, as he was ordered to, took a
more underhanded route. He did not want to, as he had a code of
ethics, but he had to. ]
more underhanded route. He did not want to, as he had a code of
ethics, but he had to. ]
Again, why?
[Koffing hesitated. If he were to
follow his master’s orders and explode, he would inevitably die. He,
like most other Pokémon, didn’t like dying. On the other hand, if he
disobeyed, he’d certainly face a fate worse than death. ]
follow his master’s orders and explode, he would inevitably die. He,
like most other Pokémon, didn’t like dying. On the other hand, if he
disobeyed, he’d certainly face a fate worse than death. ]
Yet again – why? He just managed to
incapacitate a human, so he could easily take out the other guy as
well. He could also blow up but do it on his master, since he’s dead
either way. And what would a fate worse than death even be here?
incapacitate a human, so he could easily take out the other guy as
well. He could also blow up but do it on his master, since he’s dead
either way. And what would a fate worse than death even be here?
(2)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
Why are you underlining random words?
Your narration is really overwrought.
Well, the idea of getting a rotom stuck
in your head is certainly a weird one, but this seems to be more
straightforward ghost possession – the rotom doesn’t seem to be a
pokemon but some British guy, and in a world that accepts knows
about, it shouldn’t be too big of a deal to just say he’s got one
stuck in there without everyone thinking he’s crazy.
in your head is certainly a weird one, but this seems to be more
straightforward ghost possession – the rotom doesn’t seem to be a
pokemon but some British guy, and in a world that accepts knows
about, it shouldn’t be too big of a deal to just say he’s got one
stuck in there without everyone thinking he’s crazy.
Hm. This is picking up – Team conflict
and mysterious items are always nice. Disappointing there’s still no
explanation for why he doesn’t just tell someone about the ghost in
his head, though.
and mysterious items are always nice. Disappointing there’s still no
explanation for why he doesn’t just tell someone about the ghost in
his head, though.
(2)
Interesting and very nicely plotty. It
feels like it’s a lot more tilted towards detective story than
pokemon fic, though.
feels like it’s a lot more tilted towards detective story than
pokemon fic, though.
(1)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.
(0)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Like the other Caterpie’s children,
our parents left our eggs here so we can grow in an area with lots of
leaves to munch on, so that we can become Butterfree just like them.
]
our parents left our eggs here so we can grow in an area with lots of
leaves to munch on, so that we can become Butterfree just like them.
]
So then, not other caterpie’s children.
You mean either other butterfree’s children or just plain other
caterpie.
You mean either other butterfree’s children or just plain other
caterpie.
[You know, master’s orders and all. ]
Similar to how you shouldn’t be
capitalizing pokemon, you’re using this as a name, so it’s Master.
capitalizing pokemon, you’re using this as a name, so it’s Master.
[Man, I hated Charmander. He was always
full of himself. But I can get what he was saying. According to the
Pokemon League, Bug types are statistically the worst in the entire
world. ]
full of himself. But I can get what he was saying. According to the
Pokemon League, Bug types are statistically the worst in the entire
world. ]
Not sure what’s up with this? There’s
worse pokemon.
worse pokemon.
Well, this is cute and nicely detailed.
Not sure what’s going up with the ending, though.
Not sure what’s going up with the ending, though.
(2)
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Don’t center all your text
Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
Why are you doing “chapters”
that are just a few lines long?
that are just a few lines long?
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
Huh, that sure got dark and gratuitous
suddenly.
suddenly.
Try harder.
(3)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[And so N explained to his friends the
conversation that he had just overheard. They were, for the most
part, angry that Ghetsis would do such a thing to his own son. ]
conversation that he had just overheard. They were, for the most
part, angry that Ghetsis would do such a thing to his own son. ]
Why…?
It’s not clear from anything they said
that Ghetsis is being deceitful. The only bit that’s ominous is
Ghetsis saying N wanting to help pokemon is part of a master plan to
take over Unova, but Ghetsis could want to take over Unova to help
pokemon for all they know. N shouldn’t even have the context to know
it’s weird to raise your kid to hate humans and even if he did that
the first assumption anyone would make is that Ghetsis hates humans
and is just raising a kid to agree with that.
that Ghetsis is being deceitful. The only bit that’s ominous is
Ghetsis saying N wanting to help pokemon is part of a master plan to
take over Unova, but Ghetsis could want to take over Unova to help
pokemon for all they know. N shouldn’t even have the context to know
it’s weird to raise your kid to hate humans and even if he did that
the first assumption anyone would make is that Ghetsis hates humans
and is just raising a kid to agree with that.
If you want N to know something’s up
and run away, he needs to overhear them saying stuff about “tricking
N into hating humans” or how they ordered the abuse of half the
pokemon so there’d be plenty of miserable pokemon for N or how the
stupid kid would one day give them a way to own all the pokemon.
and run away, he needs to overhear them saying stuff about “tricking
N into hating humans” or how they ordered the abuse of half the
pokemon so there’d be plenty of miserable pokemon for N or how the
stupid kid would one day give them a way to own all the pokemon.
IC/OOC information divides continue
to be a problem for people.
to be a problem for people.
(0)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
This could really stand to be a lot
shorter. The first chunk of this is just listing his accomplishments,
which really isn’t important. Starting at him getting sick of the
constant battles and how overworked his pokemon were would have been
fine – no one needs to be told who he beat and what types they
specialized, we know. Once you get past that it picks up a bit, but
it’s still held back by the fact you’re summarizing everything –
having this all actually take place with Gold showing up and Red
thinking about this during the battle would’ve been a lot stronger –
first thinking it’ll be like the others who’ve made it there, then
slowly realizing there’s more to Gold than anyone he’s met before,
and finally that Gold’s still willing to keep trying unlike everyone
else.
shorter. The first chunk of this is just listing his accomplishments,
which really isn’t important. Starting at him getting sick of the
constant battles and how overworked his pokemon were would have been
fine – no one needs to be told who he beat and what types they
specialized, we know. Once you get past that it picks up a bit, but
it’s still held back by the fact you’re summarizing everything –
having this all actually take place with Gold showing up and Red
thinking about this during the battle would’ve been a lot stronger –
first thinking it’ll be like the others who’ve made it there, then
slowly realizing there’s more to Gold than anyone he’s met before,
and finally that Gold’s still willing to keep trying unlike everyone
else.
(0)
Script format continues to be banned.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“Why will that matter? Why would
what we do matter anymore, after we give the strongest Pokémon to
that criminal!? Any attempts we make to help people will be all for
nothing with him in control.” Her sobs weakened my resolve.
what we do matter anymore, after we give the strongest Pokémon to
that criminal!? Any attempts we make to help people will be all for
nothing with him in control.” Her sobs weakened my resolve.
I could always count on her to see the bad side of things for me.
I was usually too caught up in my experiments and studying to notice.
Of course this time, I knew what I did was wrong, but I had to do it.
If I hadn’t than Team Rocket would’ve taken her. She didn’t know
that. I sat down on the bed beside her, placing my hand on her.
“Amanda, I know it looks bad, but we have a failsafe. If
Mewtwo gets out of hand we have a way to terminate him.” ]
From context, this would seem to mean
they can stop Mewtwo anytime, anywhere. But there’s really no sign of
that and I have no idea how it would even work, which means this is
more likely referring to a failsafe in case Mewtwo wakes up cranky,
which really doesn’t seem to have anything to do with the problem of
Team Rocket getting him.
they can stop Mewtwo anytime, anywhere. But there’s really no sign of
that and I have no idea how it would even work, which means this is
more likely referring to a failsafe in case Mewtwo wakes up cranky,
which really doesn’t seem to have anything to do with the problem of
Team Rocket getting him.
Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
[I guess I just wanted us to go out and
get to know the other scientists better, there are fourteen people on
this island, and I only know the names of five of them. ]
get to know the other scientists better, there are fourteen people on
this island, and I only know the names of five of them. ]
I really don’t believe this. The fact
there’s no one else and nowhere to go means it’s impossible to avoid
each other. They’d all know each other by now.
there’s no one else and nowhere to go means it’s impossible to avoid
each other. They’d all know each other by now.
Spellcheck.
[“What the hell do you think
you’re going to do with the power out, none of the damn security
doors are going to work without power?!” ]
you’re going to do with the power out, none of the damn security
doors are going to work without power?!” ]
Really shouldn’t have the question
mark.
mark.
There really isn’t much to this. You
make a big deal about how beautiful his fiancee is, so it’s pretty
obvious she ends up brutally killed. And since he doesn’t even know
the name of most of the other people he’s working with, the rest of
the horror is really muted because you’ve gone out of your way to
ignore them.
make a big deal about how beautiful his fiancee is, so it’s pretty
obvious she ends up brutally killed. And since he doesn’t even know
the name of most of the other people he’s working with, the rest of
the horror is really muted because you’ve gone out of your way to
ignore them.
Then somehow the main character is
crippled yet survives in the rubble forever, because they’re on an
isolated island and no one knew he was there so I can’t see how
anyone would’ve rescued him, which makes Mewtwo going out of his way
to poke the guy telepathically so he remembers silly because he
should still be trapped next to his wife’s corpse.
crippled yet survives in the rubble forever, because they’re on an
isolated island and no one knew he was there so I can’t see how
anyone would’ve rescued him, which makes Mewtwo going out of his way
to poke the guy telepathically so he remembers silly because he
should still be trapped next to his wife’s corpse.
(0)
There are seven thousand stories just
on this site in this category with “pokemon” in their
title. “New” features in another thousand. There are over
four hundred “chronicles”, more if you include
misspellings, even more with “begins” and “beginning”,
and even more “Character Name”‘s whatever. There are
almost eight hundred with “legend”. There are fourteen
hundred with “journey”, twelve hundred with “story”,
almost three hundred with “quest”, and two thousand with
“adventure”. The different region names appear another
thousand or two times. “Saga”, “region” and
“champion” come in around two hundred. In sum, you should
try to choose an original title that has to do with your story in
particular, not something that indicates it’s yet another story about
a pokemon trainer.
on this site in this category with “pokemon” in their
title. “New” features in another thousand. There are over
four hundred “chronicles”, more if you include
misspellings, even more with “begins” and “beginning”,
and even more “Character Name”‘s whatever. There are
almost eight hundred with “legend”. There are fourteen
hundred with “journey”, twelve hundred with “story”,
almost three hundred with “quest”, and two thousand with
“adventure”. The different region names appear another
thousand or two times. “Saga”, “region” and
“champion” come in around two hundred. In sum, you should
try to choose an original title that has to do with your story in
particular, not something that indicates it’s yet another story about
a pokemon trainer.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[The charmander was different than any
other I had ever seen before. She was a different color, a yellow
rather than orange. ]
other I had ever seen before. She was a different color, a yellow
rather than orange. ]
Of course it was shiny. They’re always
shiny.
shiny.
If they already have pokemon, they
really don’t need a starter. They definitely don’t need Elm to
suddenly decide they’re so special they get two starters.
really don’t need a starter. They definitely don’t need Elm to
suddenly decide they’re so special they get two starters.
It’s okay, four letters.
Oh god now he’s handing them pokemon
eggs too because they’re not sueish enough yet.
eggs too because they’re not sueish enough yet.
Look, your opening was okay – trainers
starting off with their evolved pet pokemon is a good way of having
them be a bit further along than a regular ten year old rookie, and
it makes sense that most people would start with existing pets. Then
you spend the rest of the chapter on how they’re so super special
they get three pokemon each (one of which is shiny because you can’t
have a main character without a shiny pokemon) from the professor in
addition to the pokemon they already have.
starting off with their evolved pet pokemon is a good way of having
them be a bit further along than a regular ten year old rookie, and
it makes sense that most people would start with existing pets. Then
you spend the rest of the chapter on how they’re so super special
they get three pokemon each (one of which is shiny because you can’t
have a main character without a shiny pokemon) from the professor in
addition to the pokemon they already have.
(1)
[but I think I know enough to write a
story, nonetheless an oc story about ash’s kid’s adventure and
friends! ]
story, nonetheless an oc story about ash’s kid’s adventure and
friends! ]
If you did, you would know to
capitalize Ash.
capitalize Ash.
Speaking of capitalization, you
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
[So when I turned 14, the legal age to
get a Pokémon after the law change (parents these days – so
protective of their 10 year olds! ]
get a Pokémon after the law change (parents these days – so
protective of their 10 year olds! ]
No. Trainers start at ten. If Ash could
do it, literally anyone can, and it’s not impressive to watch someone
four years older manage to wander around without walking off a cliff.
do it, literally anyone can, and it’s not impressive to watch someone
four years older manage to wander around without walking off a cliff.
[hen I brought my new and only friend
home, my dad was furious. He hates me, he’s always hated me since my
mom died when I was born. He would always yell at me and get mad for
no reason, and would sometimes hit me. I remember when I had showed
my Pokémon to my dad, he punched me in the face and yelled at me,
then he took a knife and… he killed Squirtle. ]
home, my dad was furious. He hates me, he’s always hated me since my
mom died when I was born. He would always yell at me and get mad for
no reason, and would sometimes hit me. I remember when I had showed
my Pokémon to my dad, he punched me in the face and yelled at me,
then he took a knife and… he killed Squirtle. ]
Suddenly poorly reasoned grimdark! If
her dad is evil and abusive, why did she go home and not jump at the
opportunity to take off now that she’s a pokemon trainer?
her dad is evil and abusive, why did she go home and not jump at the
opportunity to take off now that she’s a pokemon trainer?
[My dad had told me that as long as I
didn’t have a Pokémon I wouldn’t be able to legally travel the
world. ]
didn’t have a Pokémon I wouldn’t be able to legally travel the
world. ]
She could just buy one or ask someone
to catch one for her or go out and throw pokeballs until she got
lucky.
to catch one for her or go out and throw pokeballs until she got
lucky.
[“Bitch, watch where you’re
going!” a familiar voice yelled. I looked up, and Cubone
grunted. It was the boy from the pokecenter! Clearly he recognized me
too, because guilt flashed through his eyes. “Oh, I’m so sorry,
I didn’t recognize you without the black eye. ]
going!” a familiar voice yelled. I looked up, and Cubone
grunted. It was the boy from the pokecenter! Clearly he recognized me
too, because guilt flashed through his eyes. “Oh, I’m so sorry,
I didn’t recognize you without the black eye. ]
So the sweet kind boy she was talking
about is a misogynist asshole. In fairness, with her shitty life I
can believe she’d just accept this sort of thing as fine because he
didn’t mean to threat her personally like that.
about is a misogynist asshole. In fairness, with her shitty life I
can believe she’d just accept this sort of thing as fine because he
didn’t mean to threat her personally like that.
Of course, from your author’s note it
seems like he’s supposed to be your main character, so I’m not too
sure you know any better.
seems like he’s supposed to be your main character, so I’m not too
sure you know any better.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
[And once more, I was confused more. I
wanted to tell him, I know what a POKeMON but I could speak in this
dream.]
wanted to tell him, I know what a POKeMON but I could speak in this
dream.]
You really need to proofread better,
this is a mess.
this is a mess.
(0)
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
The rest of your grammar is terrible as
well.
well.
(0)
And on that note I complete the
26th.
26th.
Well. This sure is a great example of
how to have a lot of stuff that seems important for a second but
actually turns out to be content-free.
how to have a lot of stuff that seems important for a second but
actually turns out to be content-free.
This is your eyecatch? You’re writing a
story, your eyecatch is having things actually happen, not filler
that makes me not bother to read your next chapter.
story, your eyecatch is having things actually happen, not filler
that makes me not bother to read your next chapter.
(3)
[For as long as he could remember, his
name has been ‘Team Flare Grunt’. He has a name – doesn’t everyone?
– but it’s been lost in a sea of years being referred to as a
Grunt. ]
name has been ‘Team Flare Grunt’. He has a name – doesn’t everyone?
– but it’s been lost in a sea of years being referred to as a
Grunt. ]
Like a lot of these, this is really
overstated.
overstated.
People don’t just forget their name. If
he doesn’t want it, then it’s not as long as he could remember, it’s
that he doesn’t want any other name so he doesn’t use it and prefers
to identity as a grunt.
he doesn’t want it, then it’s not as long as he could remember, it’s
that he doesn’t want any other name so he doesn’t use it and prefers
to identity as a grunt.
[It’s been more than fifteen years
since his parents abandoned him to Team Flare while it had still been
in its beginning stages.
since his parents abandoned him to Team Flare while it had still been
in its beginning stages.
They graciously took him in. Cared for him and provided a roof
over his head. ]
Considering how money obsessed Team
Flare is, this seems like a real stretch. Maybe if he ran away from
rich parents after stealing enough money to buy entrance or
something.
Flare is, this seems like a real stretch. Maybe if he ran away from
rich parents after stealing enough money to buy entrance or
something.
Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
For a story about Team Flare and a Team
Flare grunt in particular, you really don’t say much about Team
Flare’s goals or plans, which should be a big part of his character
if he feels they’re the whole of his identity.
Flare grunt in particular, you really don’t say much about Team
Flare’s goals or plans, which should be a big part of his character
if he feels they’re the whole of his identity.
(1)
Don’t label POVs and don’t hop between
them.
them.
[“Drake? Drake, where are you? You
still have duties as the batch council president!” Freya, or
should I say, my assistant, screamed out as papers of new applicants
to the school were in her hands. ]
still have duties as the batch council president!” Freya, or
should I say, my assistant, screamed out as papers of new applicants
to the school were in her hands. ]
Your sentence structure is awful. My
best guess is you mean she’s yelling because there’s a stack of
papers, not that she’s yelling because papers materialized in her
hands and that specifically is her problem.
best guess is you mean she’s yelling because there’s a stack of
papers, not that she’s yelling because papers materialized in her
hands and that specifically is her problem.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
(1)
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Mind you, at least he didn’t just rush
off prematurely like most trainers did, he had prepared himself. ]
off prematurely like most trainers did, he had prepared himself. ]
Yeah, nothing screams preparation like
being such an idiot you think memorizing some extra information will
mean anything when your pokemon’s some L5 baby. Trainers start at
ten. Idiots who start later lose to ten year olds.
being such an idiot you think memorizing some extra information will
mean anything when your pokemon’s some L5 baby. Trainers start at
ten. Idiots who start later lose to ten year olds.
When used in place of a name, it’s
written Dad, in any other constructions like my/her/the dad it’s
written as such.
written Dad, in any other constructions like my/her/the dad it’s
written as such.
Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
No one needs to see him getting a
chikorita or hear about how he’s really sure studying was more
important than actually raising a pokemon. If he has a chikorita,
people will know he got it as a starter. The only thing that’s
halfway interesting (if cliché and sueish) is the lugia-induced
telepathy, so really, carve out the rest to focus on that would’ve
helped. Weird pokemon, his own pokemon starts talking. You don’t need
to have a giant pointless scene about the fact Nurse Joy sure does
exist just like always.
chikorita or hear about how he’s really sure studying was more
important than actually raising a pokemon. If he has a chikorita,
people will know he got it as a starter. The only thing that’s
halfway interesting (if cliché and sueish) is the lugia-induced
telepathy, so really, carve out the rest to focus on that would’ve
helped. Weird pokemon, his own pokemon starts talking. You don’t need
to have a giant pointless scene about the fact Nurse Joy sure does
exist just like always.
(2)
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.
Don’t refer to people as “the
male”, it’s terrible writing.
male”, it’s terrible writing.
Now there’s ridiculous goth poetry.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
[“You have no clue what it is like
to be abandoned by your creator and thought of as nothing but a
mistake your whole life. ]
to be abandoned by your creator and thought of as nothing but a
mistake your whole life. ]
Who the hell cares? Even pretending
this is a valid thing to whine about, murdering random people as a
response is almost as stupid as it is evil. And how is this like
wanting revenge on actual murderers?
this is a valid thing to whine about, murdering random people as a
response is almost as stupid as it is evil. And how is this like
wanting revenge on actual murderers?
Now he’s torturing her while for some
reason she’s arguing with him about ethics instead of planning to
report him as an evil murderer. Then he realizes it’s wrong to hurt
someone he knows and…I guess that makes all the murdering he
already did okay and resolves it.
reason she’s arguing with him about ethics instead of planning to
report him as an evil murderer. Then he realizes it’s wrong to hurt
someone he knows and…I guess that makes all the murdering he
already did okay and resolves it.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
When used in place of a name, it’s
written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it’s
written as such.
written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it’s
written as such.
Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
I’m really not sure what’s the point in
saying this character is Ash when this chapter seems to revolve
around how your character is so much better than Ash and has none of
his flaws. He’s your own OC, and a pretty boring one. Same for the
plot – you don’t seem to have any but him walking around being a
trainer with an overpowered starter and no flaws.
saying this character is Ash when this chapter seems to revolve
around how your character is so much better than Ash and has none of
his flaws. He’s your own OC, and a pretty boring one. Same for the
plot – you don’t seem to have any but him walking around being a
trainer with an overpowered starter and no flaws.
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Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
You go into a lot more detail than most
do, and you’ve added to their personalities a good bit. But it’s
still the same bunch of events as usual and there’s still the problem
that stuff that’s interesting when it’s you the player doing it, like
picking your first pokemon, is not that interesting seeing done over
and over. I’d really suggest focusing on your additions, like
Bianca’s dad, and cutting down the stuff that’s the same as always as
much as possible, like the kids getting their pokemon and having a
battle.
do, and you’ve added to their personalities a good bit. But it’s
still the same bunch of events as usual and there’s still the problem
that stuff that’s interesting when it’s you the player doing it, like
picking your first pokemon, is not that interesting seeing done over
and over. I’d really suggest focusing on your additions, like
Bianca’s dad, and cutting down the stuff that’s the same as always as
much as possible, like the kids getting their pokemon and having a
battle.
(0)