Eleven pages, full of poor organization and a smattering of weak childish women.
Look,
you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right.
You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be
fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to
complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from
fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick
only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.
you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right.
You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be
fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to
complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from
fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick
only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.
Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
You’re really burying the lead here.
You spend forever rambling about the storm, then forever rambling
about the house, and only then do you even approach why the house
matters. It doesn’t help that you’ve got really poor word choice –
“disdain” is not really how you look upon the richest and
most powerful people. Hatred, sure. Disgust, perhaps. Disdain, not so
much. And it’s weird there’d be any of this given they were
apparently they were here from the start so everyone should be
completely used to the giant mansion.
You spend forever rambling about the storm, then forever rambling
about the house, and only then do you even approach why the house
matters. It doesn’t help that you’ve got really poor word choice –
“disdain” is not really how you look upon the richest and
most powerful people. Hatred, sure. Disgust, perhaps. Disdain, not so
much. And it’s weird there’d be any of this given they were
apparently they were here from the start so everyone should be
completely used to the giant mansion.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[The Comrades of the Suncross, who
worshipped Ho-oh as a God. They believed that Fire was initially not
meant to be an element, but Arceus’ flawed abilities created a
mistake when it was forming life. Angered by being alone, and the
thought of being nothing more than an accident, Ho-oh challenged
Arceus. He cast fire down upon the Earth, setting off infernos across
the land, and giving birth to fire types all over the world.
Eventually, his rage was subsided by the combined efforts of the
other legendaries, and Ho-oh was sealed into the sun. Or so the
legend goes. Either way, the cult believed all fire types to be a
superior master race ]
worshipped Ho-oh as a God. They believed that Fire was initially not
meant to be an element, but Arceus’ flawed abilities created a
mistake when it was forming life. Angered by being alone, and the
thought of being nothing more than an accident, Ho-oh challenged
Arceus. He cast fire down upon the Earth, setting off infernos across
the land, and giving birth to fire types all over the world.
Eventually, his rage was subsided by the combined efforts of the
other legendaries, and Ho-oh was sealed into the sun. Or so the
legend goes. Either way, the cult believed all fire types to be a
superior master race ]
This is a jumble. Okay, so they believe
Arceus is a flawed creator, but that doesn’t immediately lead to the
idea that its mistake was superior race. Now, if the flaw in Arceus
was that it didn’t include fire, rather than accidentally creating
it, followed by Ho-oh adding it, then it’d make more sense they’d
deify fire pokemon as belonging to the superior creator while
rejecting the rest as the product of the flawed creator. Or if fire
was always divine and Arceus refused to include it in creation for
that reason, making Ho-oh a Prometheus type. Or if the various
elements fought and fire won until it was driven back by an alliance
of the rest, but will one day return and reward those who followed
the superior element. And so on. Or maybe if the flaw was that Arceus
made all the elements but put too much power into fire in particular.
Something linking fire to superiority rather than a straight jump
from a mistake to being the master race.
Arceus is a flawed creator, but that doesn’t immediately lead to the
idea that its mistake was superior race. Now, if the flaw in Arceus
was that it didn’t include fire, rather than accidentally creating
it, followed by Ho-oh adding it, then it’d make more sense they’d
deify fire pokemon as belonging to the superior creator while
rejecting the rest as the product of the flawed creator. Or if fire
was always divine and Arceus refused to include it in creation for
that reason, making Ho-oh a Prometheus type. Or if the various
elements fought and fire won until it was driven back by an alliance
of the rest, but will one day return and reward those who followed
the superior element. And so on. Or maybe if the flaw was that Arceus
made all the elements but put too much power into fire in particular.
Something linking fire to superiority rather than a straight jump
from a mistake to being the master race.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
[wearing a long, regal blue dress ]
Aw. You spent all this time on how
they’re fire cultists and they don’t even dress along the theme?
they’re fire cultists and they don’t even dress along the theme?
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.
[For Michael and his family on the
other hand, there was no sentence. From the destruction of their
pride and joy base on Cinnabar Island, to the loss of every last
penny from their fortune being confiscated as payment to the
government, the Law deemed their worthless, homeless state of
humiliation a deserving punishment for their alleged crimes against
the people of Kanto. ]
other hand, there was no sentence. From the destruction of their
pride and joy base on Cinnabar Island, to the loss of every last
penny from their fortune being confiscated as payment to the
government, the Law deemed their worthless, homeless state of
humiliation a deserving punishment for their alleged crimes against
the people of Kanto. ]
Wait…so they actually were working
with Team Rocket, but they weren’t put in jail and only had all their
stuff taken? And they’re whining about “alleged crimes”
despite getting special treatment and those crimes having actually
taken place?
with Team Rocket, but they weren’t put in jail and only had all their
stuff taken? And they’re whining about “alleged crimes”
despite getting special treatment and those crimes having actually
taken place?
[The one most affected, however, was
the young heir to the wealthy family, their only son; for everything
he had ever known had been ripped apart and into oblivion from right
in front of his innocent eyes. ]
the young heir to the wealthy family, their only son; for everything
he had ever known had been ripped apart and into oblivion from right
in front of his innocent eyes. ]
Well maybe his family shouldn’t have
been evil. Is this supposed to be sympathetic?
been evil. Is this supposed to be sympathetic?
(10)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[They were called that because they
were the roughest and toughest of all my Pokémon that I owned. They
bullied the other Pokémon and I was the only one they would obey.
Most of the time.
were the roughest and toughest of all my Pokémon that I owned. They
bullied the other Pokémon and I was the only one they would obey.
Most of the time.
I removed my clothes. I collapsed onto my bed and was about to
fall asleep when the door opened and the ‘Masters’ entered.
Muk. Mightyena. Gengar. Primeape. Hypno. Alakazam. They were the
rulers of everything, even me.]
The final line comes before the group
attacks her, takes her as their slave and explains they’re from an
alternate world, but you have her already saying they’re in charge
despite the rest of this story seeming to be her narrativing things
as they happen.
attacks her, takes her as their slave and explains they’re from an
alternate world, but you have her already saying they’re in charge
despite the rest of this story seeming to be her narrativing things
as they happen.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
[He removed the lock and opened the
cage. Being very gentle, he scooped me out of the cage and placed me
on the ground. The look he gave me seemed to be one of sorrow and
regret. ]
cage. Being very gentle, he scooped me out of the cage and placed me
on the ground. The look he gave me seemed to be one of sorrow and
regret. ]
If he was regretful he wouldn’t have
kidnapped her to be their slave.
kidnapped her to be their slave.
[“The six of us rule this world,
so you will be well cared for. You’ll want for nothing.” Hypno
said gently.
so you will be well cared for. You’ll want for nothing.” Hypno
said gently.
Nothing except freedom. I looked at my former Pokémon
coldly.
“I. Hate. You.”]
So is this supposed to be highlighting
the hypocrisy or what? Also, why don’t they think anything of the
other world beyond that it’s a source of human girls that don’t hate
them yet?
the hypocrisy or what? Also, why don’t they think anything of the
other world beyond that it’s a source of human girls that don’t hate
them yet?
[My jaw dropped.
A bed with ivory sheets stood in the center, a desk and coffee
table were in the far right corner, a door that likely led to a
bathroom was on the other side of the bed opposite the far wall and
another door that seemed to be a closet was by the bathroom. The
floor was clear and seemed to shimmer ever so slightly as the moon
shone on it through the window above the bed.]
I’m glad her priorities are so intact
she knows to focus on all the cool stuff and not that pesky little
bit about being a slave.
she knows to focus on all the cool stuff and not that pesky little
bit about being a slave.
This was not a good idea at all.
(0)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[A friendly Farfetch’d, a common sight
in the Ilex Forest ]
in the Ilex Forest ]
I don’t believe they can be found there
in any generation.
in any generation.
Well, it’s nice to see something where
stuff starts happening quickly.
stuff starts happening quickly.
Write out numbers with letters.
Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
[However, this DNA did not match that
of the DNA of any other Farfetch’d known to inhabit the Ilex Forest.
Scientists could not figure out how this could happen. ]
of the DNA of any other Farfetch’d known to inhabit the Ilex Forest.
Scientists could not figure out how this could happen. ]
Unless they caught every one and tested
them, they wouldn’t know this, and they couldn’t be sure they just
didn’t miss one. They might be able to tell the farfetch’d DNA didn’t
seem related to the breeding population in the forest, so you could
say that – closed populations will share certain genes and if this
one lacks most/all of those markers, they’d know it was an outsider.
them, they wouldn’t know this, and they couldn’t be sure they just
didn’t miss one. They might be able to tell the farfetch’d DNA didn’t
seem related to the breeding population in the forest, so you could
say that – closed populations will share certain genes and if this
one lacks most/all of those markers, they’d know it was an outsider.
[Scientists could not figure out how
this could happen. Ilex Forest was the only place in which Farfetch’d
live in Johto or Kanto. ]
this could happen. Ilex Forest was the only place in which Farfetch’d
live in Johto or Kanto. ]
This is really not true.
If there’s a particular reason you want
it to be a farfetch’d, it’d be acceptable to have one there. It’s not
like there could never be one or two extra pokemon hanging out beyond
the standard ones found in the game. But Ilex forest is not full of
farfetch’d and there’s certainly other places they’re canonly found.
it to be a farfetch’d, it’d be acceptable to have one there. It’s not
like there could never be one or two extra pokemon hanging out beyond
the standard ones found in the game. But Ilex forest is not full of
farfetch’d and there’s certainly other places they’re canonly found.
This is a really empty chapter. You
started with stuff happening, but most of this is filler where you
tell us about how stuff isn’t happening – here’s one kid being
nervous about it but otherwise having a normal boring life, here’s
another kid and their normal boring life… You really don’t need to
say the two of them find brutal murder a bit worrying, it’s not like
anyone would expect otherwise. You could also stand to cut down the
two huge paragraphs about the police since most of them is detailing
all the stuff that they don’t know and isn’t going anywhere. I
mean…
started with stuff happening, but most of this is filler where you
tell us about how stuff isn’t happening – here’s one kid being
nervous about it but otherwise having a normal boring life, here’s
another kid and their normal boring life… You really don’t need to
say the two of them find brutal murder a bit worrying, it’s not like
anyone would expect otherwise. You could also stand to cut down the
two huge paragraphs about the police since most of them is detailing
all the stuff that they don’t know and isn’t going anywhere. I
mean…
[In the twenty-four hours since the
attack, an investigation had been set up by the Goldenrod City Police
Department. Detectives were on the scene, searching for anything
different or odd for clues. The police department could not find a
single trace of evidence, not even DNA left on the grass from its
footsteps or any tracks at all. The case was one of the most
confusing and mysterious ones that the GCPD had ever seen, and the
entire police district of Johto had ever faced. There was nothing.
All that they had to rely on now was witness accounts. They would
have to question Professor Elm and Rockwell Asarte once they came to.
Elm and Asarte had been lying on the soft Ilex Forest floor for close
to three hours before one man went into the woods and saw them there,
cold and lifeless. He immediately called the emergency services to
carry them off. The man thought that they had been dead. The
Professor and Asarte have not been conscious since, and now they are
laying in hospital beds, with their hearts barely going. ]
attack, an investigation had been set up by the Goldenrod City Police
Department. Detectives were on the scene, searching for anything
different or odd for clues. The police department could not find a
single trace of evidence, not even DNA left on the grass from its
footsteps or any tracks at all. The case was one of the most
confusing and mysterious ones that the GCPD had ever seen, and the
entire police district of Johto had ever faced. There was nothing.
All that they had to rely on now was witness accounts. They would
have to question Professor Elm and Rockwell Asarte once they came to.
Elm and Asarte had been lying on the soft Ilex Forest floor for close
to three hours before one man went into the woods and saw them there,
cold and lifeless. He immediately called the emergency services to
carry them off. The man thought that they had been dead. The
Professor and Asarte have not been conscious since, and now they are
laying in hospital beds, with their hearts barely going. ]
Do you really need to say detectives
were looking for clues? Or that it was really mysterious? And the DNA
thing would be futile because there should be DNA everywhere so
they’d have no idea which even mattered. And so on. You’re using a
ton of words to communicate very little information: the police are
investigating, they don’t have any leads or evidence, Elm and Asarte
are currently unconscious but still alive.
were looking for clues? Or that it was really mysterious? And the DNA
thing would be futile because there should be DNA everywhere so
they’d have no idea which even mattered. And so on. You’re using a
ton of words to communicate very little information: the police are
investigating, they don’t have any leads or evidence, Elm and Asarte
are currently unconscious but still alive.
(0)
There are seven thousand stories just
on this site in this category with “pokemon” in their
title. “New” features in another thousand. There are over
four hundred “chronicles”, more if you include
misspellings, even more with “begins” and “beginning”,
and even more “Character Name”‘s whatever. There are
almost eight hundred with “legend”. There are fourteen
hundred with “journey”, twelve hundred with “story”,
almost three hundred with “quest”, and two thousand with
“adventure”. The different region names appear another
thousand or two times. “Saga”, “region” and
“champion” come in around two hundred. In sum, you should
try to choose an original title that has to do with your story in
particular, not something that indicates it’s yet another story about
a pokemon trainer.
on this site in this category with “pokemon” in their
title. “New” features in another thousand. There are over
four hundred “chronicles”, more if you include
misspellings, even more with “begins” and “beginning”,
and even more “Character Name”‘s whatever. There are
almost eight hundred with “legend”. There are fourteen
hundred with “journey”, twelve hundred with “story”,
almost three hundred with “quest”, and two thousand with
“adventure”. The different region names appear another
thousand or two times. “Saga”, “region” and
“champion” come in around two hundred. In sum, you should
try to choose an original title that has to do with your story in
particular, not something that indicates it’s yet another story about
a pokemon trainer.
Opening your story with a character
waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and
to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if
I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of
times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some
other, interesting point.
waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and
to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if
I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of
times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some
other, interesting point.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
When used in place of a name, it’s
written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it’s
written as such.
written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it’s
written as such.
[“So what are we waiting for,”
I asked as I began to run down the path. ]
I asked as I began to run down the path. ]
Besides the fact that should be a
question, the same applies to your whole chapter. What was the point?
Why are you taking forever to get somewhere halfway interesting? No
one needs to know what your character ate for breakfast. If you have
a plot, you need to start there.
question, the same applies to your whole chapter. What was the point?
Why are you taking forever to get somewhere halfway interesting? No
one needs to know what your character ate for breakfast. If you have
a plot, you need to start there.
(1)
[Celadon city, despite being the second
largest city in kanto ]
largest city in kanto ]
Names are capitalized. That means it’s
Celadon City and Kanto.
Celadon City and Kanto.
“Its” is possessive, as in
“its story”, and “it’s” means “it is”.
“its story”, and “it’s” means “it is”.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
Punctuation goes at the end of all
sentences, not just when you feel like it.
sentences, not just when you feel like it.
Your grammar is terrible. Get a beta
reader.
reader.
(1)
[THE ARCEUS FLEW through
the sky ]
the sky ]
Is there more than one in your story?
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
[“We can stay with my parents.”
Rose suggests, interrupting my thoughts, which, honestly, ticked me
off.
Rose suggests, interrupting my thoughts, which, honestly, ticked me
off.
“No.” the Marowak and I say simultaneously. At that
moment, I felt a bond between us, and I knew the Marowak and I would
get along just fine. Well, I guess that’s what you get for mentioning
going to stay with your parents to two others who don’t have any.]
Yes, truly the height of dickery is
offering to help people?
offering to help people?
Also, does Rose serve any purpose but
for the main character to bitch about constantly?
for the main character to bitch about constantly?
[After I got over my life, I turned to
the Marowak that I still didn’t know the name of (but I really didn’t
care), and I asked him (while Rose was being annoying for absolutely
no reason) if he could carry it since I couldn’t.
the Marowak that I still didn’t know the name of (but I really didn’t
care), and I asked him (while Rose was being annoying for absolutely
no reason) if he could carry it since I couldn’t.
I knew I wouldn’t ask Rose, anyways.
He nods, and, seeing Rose being annoying, looks at her with a face
of annoyance, shoves his bone in her mouth growling, “hold my
bone”, and picks up the box, waiting for me to lead the way.]
Yeah I’m just going to stop reading
this. What the hell is wrong with you.
this. What the hell is wrong with you.
(2)
Write out numbers with letters.
[As he finished up his rant about how
much the games will suck, he suddenly thought to himself, ‘What if
they don’t suck like all the others?’ He thought about how awesome
they could possibly be. The idea that the graphics were going to be
cell-shaded was amazing, and all the starters looked pretty cool too.
]
much the games will suck, he suddenly thought to himself, ‘What if
they don’t suck like all the others?’ He thought about how awesome
they could possibly be. The idea that the graphics were going to be
cell-shaded was amazing, and all the starters looked pretty cool too.
]
This is really not something that makes
sense. If he hates pokemon, he’s not going to be amazed that the
games have finally crawled into the recent past with cell-shading.
He’s not going to think the starters look cool. He’s definitely not
going to be thinking about how super awesome the game series he
loathes is. Look, I know some authors have trouble writing characters
who have different opinions, but if you’re incredibly bad about it,
try not having someone you disagree with be your main character.
sense. If he hates pokemon, he’s not going to be amazed that the
games have finally crawled into the recent past with cell-shading.
He’s not going to think the starters look cool. He’s definitely not
going to be thinking about how super awesome the game series he
loathes is. Look, I know some authors have trouble writing characters
who have different opinions, but if you’re incredibly bad about it,
try not having someone you disagree with be your main character.
This is way too short of a chapter. If
you’re going to do a real world to pokeworld thing, at least show a
bit of that before it ends. Seeing a pokemon isn’t a cliffhanger when
it’s been done a million times. How your character reacts might do
it, though.
you’re going to do a real world to pokeworld thing, at least show a
bit of that before it ends. Seeing a pokemon isn’t a cliffhanger when
it’s been done a million times. How your character reacts might do
it, though.
(1)
Don’t open your story with a character
bio. If it matters, it belongs in the story. If it doesn’t, you
shouldn’t be mentioning it at all.
bio. If it matters, it belongs in the story. If it doesn’t, you
shouldn’t be mentioning it at all.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
[The nurse yelled, “But this is a
Pokemon Center! We only heal Pokemon!” She looked down at Hilda
and fling her on her shoulder. “But I’ll try!” ]
Pokemon Center! We only heal Pokemon!” She looked down at Hilda
and fling her on her shoulder. “But I’ll try!” ]
Why can’t she call for a human doctor?
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Why is Zekrom Ghetsis’ pokemon and not
N’s?
N’s?
[“YOU #$%# $^! YOU JUST % #$% ^&
KILLED MY LITTLE SISTER! YOU’LL %^$%^$# PAY!” ]
KILLED MY LITTLE SISTER! YOU’LL %^$%^$# PAY!” ]
If you’re too young to write the word,
you’re too young to have them swearing at all.
you’re too young to have them swearing at all.
[Nurse Joy had an Antidote, but it was
for only pokemon. She couldn’t find any poison medicine for humans.
Oh no! What can I do?! she thought in panic. We need her
to win this war, but how can I heal her?! When she checked her
body, she was poisoned very badly. She wouldn’t be able to live any
longer. Then an idea popped into her head. She got a bottle of honey
and poured it into the Antidote bottle. She shook it very fast. She
sprayed it into Hilda’s mouth. She hoped it worked. ]
for only pokemon. She couldn’t find any poison medicine for humans.
Oh no! What can I do?! she thought in panic. We need her
to win this war, but how can I heal her?! When she checked her
body, she was poisoned very badly. She wouldn’t be able to live any
longer. Then an idea popped into her head. She got a bottle of honey
and poured it into the Antidote bottle. She shook it very fast. She
sprayed it into Hilda’s mouth. She hoped it worked. ]
What the hell.
(1)
There are seven thousand stories just
on this site in this category with “pokemon” in their
title. “New” features in another thousand. There are over
four hundred “chronicles”, more if you include
misspellings, even more with “begins” and “beginning”,
and even more “Character Name”‘s whatever. There are
almost eight hundred with “legend”. There are fourteen
hundred with “journey”, twelve hundred with “story”,
almost three hundred with “quest”, and two thousand with
“adventure”. The different region names appear another
thousand or two times. “Saga”, “region” and
“champion” come in around two hundred. In sum, you should
try to choose an original title that has to do with your story in
particular, not something that indicates it’s yet another story about
a pokemon trainer.
on this site in this category with “pokemon” in their
title. “New” features in another thousand. There are over
four hundred “chronicles”, more if you include
misspellings, even more with “begins” and “beginning”,
and even more “Character Name”‘s whatever. There are
almost eight hundred with “legend”. There are fourteen
hundred with “journey”, twelve hundred with “story”,
almost three hundred with “quest”, and two thousand with
“adventure”. The different region names appear another
thousand or two times. “Saga”, “region” and
“champion” come in around two hundred. In sum, you should
try to choose an original title that has to do with your story in
particular, not something that indicates it’s yet another story about
a pokemon trainer.
[Andy, charizard will destroy Pikachu!
]
]
When used as a name, it’s capitalized,
so it’s either Charizard or “that charizard”.
so it’s either Charizard or “that charizard”.
Your sentences seem to have random
breaks in them. Proofread better.
breaks in them. Proofread better.
[“Now Andy,” Dad sighed. ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
[“Besides,” Mom interjected.
“You’re too young to go off adventuring. It’s
“You’re too young to go off adventuring. It’s
too dangerous.”]
Nope. People don’t decide they alone
think something everyone else thinks is normal is weird. If she’s
hideously overprotective for some horrible contrivance of a reason,
it’d be that he just isn’t allowed, not that he’s too young by only
being years older than the kids they’re watching on TV.
think something everyone else thinks is normal is weird. If she’s
hideously overprotective for some horrible contrivance of a reason,
it’d be that he just isn’t allowed, not that he’s too young by only
being years older than the kids they’re watching on TV.
God, the parents are one-sided. So his
mom doesn’t know basic type matchups during the fight, has a temper
tantrum over the results, and isn’t just smothering him but is a
hypocrite about it too. While his dad does know type matchups, is
chill, and ends up talking her into letting the kid go – five years
too late, for some reason.
mom doesn’t know basic type matchups during the fight, has a temper
tantrum over the results, and isn’t just smothering him but is a
hypocrite about it too. While his dad does know type matchups, is
chill, and ends up talking her into letting the kid go – five years
too late, for some reason.
Not that it matters because the kid’s
finally realized he should run off, also five years too late. Now
he’ll get to lose a lot to ten year olds.
finally realized he should run off, also five years too late. Now
he’ll get to lose a lot to ten year olds.
[Mom looks so young in this picture,
huh? She used to be a pretty amazing trainer back in the day,
apparently. She never talks about it, though, other than when she
talks about how she met Dad at the Orange league. ]
huh? She used to be a pretty amazing trainer back in the day,
apparently. She never talks about it, though, other than when she
talks about how she met Dad at the Orange league. ]
And also she appears to have forgotten
everything she knew, since it’s only the dad who knows anything about
battles now.
everything she knew, since it’s only the dad who knows anything about
battles now.
What the fuck is wrong with the
category today.
category today.
(4)
Nonstory chapters are banned.
Look,
you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right.
You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be
fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to
complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from
fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick
only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.
you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right.
You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be
fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to
complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from
fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick
only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.
(0)
Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
Don’t label flashbacks. Also, why is
this even a flashback? You could have started it with the battle
actually happen, instead you start it with nothing much followed by a
flashback to something happening minutes ago. You’re not a better
writer if you do things out of order.
this even a flashback? You could have started it with the battle
actually happen, instead you start it with nothing much followed by a
flashback to something happening minutes ago. You’re not a better
writer if you do things out of order.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.
[Wordlessly, he motions toward me.
“Th-that isn’t White, Bianca. She’s just a pokemon now…”
“Th-that isn’t White, Bianca. She’s just a pokemon now…”
Bianca cradles my mask in her hands as she replies, “B-But
that doesn’t change anything! This is White!” She starts crying.
“This is my best friend, and I won’t let you talk like she is
completely gone! She recognized us; she knows who we are!”
“She isn’t a human anymore, Bianca. Maybe she recognizes us,
but that doesn’t mean that this is the same person on the inside,”
Cheren sighs while looking away.
I want to scream, shout, tantrum, and do anything to make them
realize that I’m still the same person I always was. Instead, I stand
there stunned as Cheren gently pulls Bianca out of the ruins and out
of my life forever, taking my mask with her.]
What the hell? So on the basis Cheren
isn’t sure how this works, she can’t possibly be the same person,
therefore they leave? And Bianca just lets him do this because she’s
now completely incapable of making any decisions on her own?
isn’t sure how this works, she can’t possibly be the same person,
therefore they leave? And Bianca just lets him do this because she’s
now completely incapable of making any decisions on her own?
If you want to show that White realizes
it’s time to move on, showing her friend sobbing over her is not a
way that makes sense. If she followed them for a while and realized
they’d moved on, sure, that’s a solid reason for her to do the same.
If it turned out she really wasn’t the same person and couldn’t
remember the rest of her life, she might realize she did need to move
on.
it’s time to move on, showing her friend sobbing over her is not a
way that makes sense. If she followed them for a while and realized
they’d moved on, sure, that’s a solid reason for her to do the same.
If it turned out she really wasn’t the same person and couldn’t
remember the rest of her life, she might realize she did need to move
on.
But [I…I really don’t have a place
here anymore, do I? White Veritas doesn’t belong with people who
still have their lives ]? Bianca clearly still wants White in her
life and she could have easily gone with the two.
here anymore, do I? White Veritas doesn’t belong with people who
still have their lives ]? Bianca clearly still wants White in her
life and she could have easily gone with the two.
[How was my very very short
prologe? ]
prologe? ]
It was way too short for a prologue and
you shouldn’t have posted it until you wrote something long enough.
Also, you misspelled prologue and your story itself is a jumbled
mess. Proofread better and get a beta reader.
you shouldn’t have posted it until you wrote something long enough.
Also, you misspelled prologue and your story itself is a jumbled
mess. Proofread better and get a beta reader.
(1)
Thus finishes the 27th. I’m going to post this now, then what replies I have so far, then get back to hacking away at the category.
Hmm, the slave story is giving me way too many memories of Wither.
I’ve seen a lot of fics like that across fanficdom. The difference is that they’re usually a lot less rapey than Wither, with a huge focus on how nice captivity is and how special everyone treats them.
Holy shit, what a fucking weird day.