Mostly tedious with a bit of terrible and some science fail to spice things up.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9984147/1/Pokemon-Warriors
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Songfic
is still banned.
is still banned.
(0)
Semicolons do not
indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when
grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly,
judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable.
If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because
the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look
pretentious.
indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when
grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly,
judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable.
If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because
the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look
pretentious.
You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Don’t use
apostrophes for dialogue, it’s really distracting especially since
people tend to use them for thoughts.
apostrophes for dialogue, it’s really distracting especially since
people tend to use them for thoughts.
When used in place
of a name, it’s written Mom, in any other constructions like
my/her/the mom it’s written as such.
of a name, it’s written Mom, in any other constructions like
my/her/the mom it’s written as such.
[under
the son ]
the son ]
Sun.
Well,
this is prettily written and you manage to put in a lot of detail
without it turning into a painful slog, but it is pretty slow placed
even still.
this is prettily written and you manage to put in a lot of detail
without it turning into a painful slog, but it is pretty slow placed
even still.
(4)
You need to learn
to paragraph properly. Your story should not have giant text lumps. A
paragraph is a collection of sentences relating to a single subject.
When you move on to the next, you start a new paragraph.
to paragraph properly. Your story should not have giant text lumps. A
paragraph is a collection of sentences relating to a single subject.
When you move on to the next, you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Speaking of, use
said. It’s generally more fitting than the other words you’re trying.
said. It’s generally more fitting than the other words you’re trying.
(3)
You really
shouldn’t have a space between the the first quotation mark and the
dialogue.
shouldn’t have a space between the the first quotation mark and the
dialogue.
[Past
the building a giant campus was, holding a courtyard the size of
twelve football fields. ]
the building a giant campus was, holding a courtyard the size of
twelve football fields. ]
That
should be “there was a giant campus holding…”
should be “there was a giant campus holding…”
You
also don’t need to go on to describe every building. Also, a giant
campus isn’t necessarily something you want, because it makes it a
lot harder to get around.
also don’t need to go on to describe every building. Also, a giant
campus isn’t necessarily something you want, because it makes it a
lot harder to get around.
[the
names Tsikuran Takumoto ]
names Tsikuran Takumoto ]
Name’s.
It’s a contraction short for “name is”.
It’s a contraction short for “name is”.
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[I
got out of my 2014 Camarro ]
got out of my 2014 Camarro ]
There
is absolutely no reason you need to be going on about stuff like
this, unless “smug douche” is your intended
characterization.
is absolutely no reason you need to be going on about stuff like
this, unless “smug douche” is your intended
characterization.
[”
What is it then, why can’t I have roommates?” I questioned. ]
What is it then, why can’t I have roommates?” I questioned. ]
ASKED.
Questioned isn’t for anything with a question mark involved.
Questioned isn’t for anything with a question mark involved.
[”
Because this is an all girls school.” I looked at her in shock,
my mouth dropping slightly.
Because this is an all girls school.” I looked at her in shock,
my mouth dropping slightly.
” A-an all girls school?!” I repeated. The Lilligant
nodded, trying to shrink in her seat. I only sighed, scratching the
bridge of my muzzle.” Oh Dad, why?” I questioned out loud.
” Your test scores where so high, we couldn’t help but accept
you.” ]
Don’t
do this.
do this.
If
you want a boy at a girl’s school, which honestly tends to set up
some horrible plot stuff but hey, maybe you’re going to avoid it,
then you need a better reason than that the one boy was just so smart
and great. Maybe they’ve just decided to go co-ed but he’s the only
one up to their standards who applied or something else without the
flavor of who cares about all the girls who picked a school where
they wouldn’t be around boys on purpose, this boy is just so much
better than them.
you want a boy at a girl’s school, which honestly tends to set up
some horrible plot stuff but hey, maybe you’re going to avoid it,
then you need a better reason than that the one boy was just so smart
and great. Maybe they’ve just decided to go co-ed but he’s the only
one up to their standards who applied or something else without the
flavor of who cares about all the girls who picked a school where
they wouldn’t be around boys on purpose, this boy is just so much
better than them.
Stop
talking about his stuff.
talking about his stuff.
Talking
about how super strong he is isn’t an improvement.
about how super strong he is isn’t an improvement.
[I
washed quickly, lathering my body in my Energy body wash ]
washed quickly, lathering my body in my Energy body wash ]
Go
through your story and just delete everything like this about your
sue.
through your story and just delete everything like this about your
sue.
[She
was about 6′ 4″, looked to be in her mid twenties. She was thin,
but had a good muscle tone. She had a flat stomach, with C-cup
breast. Her legs were long and slender, but what caught my eye was
her fierce crimson red eyes. ]
was about 6′ 4″, looked to be in her mid twenties. She was thin,
but had a good muscle tone. She had a flat stomach, with C-cup
breast. Her legs were long and slender, but what caught my eye was
her fierce crimson red eyes. ]
And
already you illustrate why there are all girl’s schools and he
shouldn’t be there.
already you illustrate why there are all girl’s schools and he
shouldn’t be there.
[The
class went into a frenzy, questions being thrown every which way.
class went into a frenzy, questions being thrown every which way.
” How is there a guy in this school!?”
” Isn’t this an all girl school?!”
” That’s a dude, what the hell!?”
The Charizard roared in irritation, silencing the whole class
quickly.” Listen, his scores were perfect, he is the new
student, and nothings going to change that.” ]
Yeah,
I’m out. This is awful.
I’m out. This is awful.
(4! Four fucking reviews on this
shit!)
shit!)
Porn
is banned on this site.
is banned on this site.
Don’t
label POVs.
label POVs.
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
(0)
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
(0)
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
There’s
definitely something you could do with the fact Oak supports Ash so
much, but you’re not using canon, you’re ignoring it. He doesn’t
spend his time ranting about how Gary sucks and he regularly compared
Ash unfavorably to Gary.
definitely something you could do with the fact Oak supports Ash so
much, but you’re not using canon, you’re ignoring it. He doesn’t
spend his time ranting about how Gary sucks and he regularly compared
Ash unfavorably to Gary.
[I
wasn’t the one who
caught an endless amount of Pokémon region after region, only to
leave them in their Pokéballs to rot
with Gramps… ]
wasn’t the one who
caught an endless amount of Pokémon region after region, only to
leave them in their Pokéballs to rot
with Gramps… ]
That is precisely
what Gary does. Ash is regularly told he sucks for not catching more
pokemon. Gary’s the awesome one who caught a million pokemon.
what Gary does. Ash is regularly told he sucks for not catching more
pokemon. Gary’s the awesome one who caught a million pokemon.
Look, there’s
other forms of neglect than mustache twirling evil. If Oak
acknowledges Gary’s successes and just never seems to care as much as
he does when Ash manages to get anything at all right, so that Gary
realizes his grandfather just doesn’t care about him, that would be a
believable take on canon than Oak completely ignoring Gary except to
tell Ash he’s so much better than that jerk Gary.
other forms of neglect than mustache twirling evil. If Oak
acknowledges Gary’s successes and just never seems to care as much as
he does when Ash manages to get anything at all right, so that Gary
realizes his grandfather just doesn’t care about him, that would be a
believable take on canon than Oak completely ignoring Gary except to
tell Ash he’s so much better than that jerk Gary.
(0)
Your chapters need
to be longer.
to be longer.
(0)
“I”
is always capitalized, not just sometimes.
is always capitalized, not just sometimes.
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
It’s
okay, four letters.
okay, four letters.
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Paragraphing has
rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not
to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means
you start a new paragraph.
rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not
to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means
you start a new paragraph.
You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Porn is banned on
this site.
this site.
(1)
[my
pail pink ruffled camisole ]
pail pink ruffled camisole ]
Pale.
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
[my
names Cora.” ]
names Cora.” ]
Name’s.
It’s the contraction of “name is”.
It’s the contraction of “name is”.
[Serena
takes the other Fennekin and Calem takes a Froakie. Shauna takes a
Chespin ]
takes the other Fennekin and Calem takes a Froakie. Shauna takes a
Chespin ]
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Let
me know what you think ]
me know what you think ]
You need to have
things actually happen in your chapters, especially the first. Girl
wakes up gets pokemon is sickeningly overdone even when you’re not
recapping the beginning of a specific game.
things actually happen in your chapters, especially the first. Girl
wakes up gets pokemon is sickeningly overdone even when you’re not
recapping the beginning of a specific game.
(1)
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Semicolons
do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when
grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly,
judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable.
If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because
the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look
pretentious.
do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when
grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly,
judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable.
If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because
the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look
pretentious.
This has way too much time spent on
pointless stuff. Scenes and dialogue need to be there because they
add to the story, not just to take up space.
pointless stuff. Scenes and dialogue need to be there because they
add to the story, not just to take up space.
[Ashton
Red Satoshi Ketchum trod down the streets of the quaint Town of
pallet in Kanto, pondering about many subjects related to Pokemon. ]
Red Satoshi Ketchum trod down the streets of the quaint Town of
pallet in Kanto, pondering about many subjects related to Pokemon. ]
Good
lord.
lord.
Ash
Ketchum does not need another two names. I have no idea why you think
town is capitalized but the name of it isn’t. Using the word
“pondering” means you don’t need to keep going on about
“subjected related to” because it’s already implied.
Ketchum does not need another two names. I have no idea why you think
town is capitalized but the name of it isn’t. Using the word
“pondering” means you don’t need to keep going on about
“subjected related to” because it’s already implied.
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Me:
And done! What did you guys think?
]
And done! What did you guys think?
]
You
really haven’t done anything to fix the basic premise. Any of Ash’s
friends going on about how failing at the league makes him worthless
should make everyone else assume they’ve snapped or are possessed by
a malicious haunter or they’re robots or something. The only way this
plot halfway works is if everyone’s perfectly in on it to the point
Ash doubts himself enough to just run away and prove them wrong
instead of recognizing something has happened to his friends, but the
moment you have only some of them go crazy, the rest of the group
should all focus on helping them/figuring out who these imposters
are.
really haven’t done anything to fix the basic premise. Any of Ash’s
friends going on about how failing at the league makes him worthless
should make everyone else assume they’ve snapped or are possessed by
a malicious haunter or they’re robots or something. The only way this
plot halfway works is if everyone’s perfectly in on it to the point
Ash doubts himself enough to just run away and prove them wrong
instead of recognizing something has happened to his friends, but the
moment you have only some of them go crazy, the rest of the group
should all focus on helping them/figuring out who these imposters
are.
The
idea Ash needs to run away with all his pokemon is ludicrous. The
idea they would try to kill his mom and his response would still be
to run away is more so. This is the point you go to the police, not
off to train on a mountain.
idea Ash needs to run away with all his pokemon is ludicrous. The
idea they would try to kill his mom and his response would still be
to run away is more so. This is the point you go to the police, not
off to train on a mountain.
If
you want to do this, you need to go in the other direction of having
Ash’s friends actually have good reason for what they’re doing,
instead of making them even more insane. Maybe Ash lost without it
being because he could only beat one of the two legendaries the other
guy fielded, and he’s sitting around being super depressed and then
wants to go train in some really deadly area, and his friends are
worried he’s going to hurt himself. Or maybe just admit this whole
plot is bad and stop trying to salvage it.
you want to do this, you need to go in the other direction of having
Ash’s friends actually have good reason for what they’re doing,
instead of making them even more insane. Maybe Ash lost without it
being because he could only beat one of the two legendaries the other
guy fielded, and he’s sitting around being super depressed and then
wants to go train in some really deadly area, and his friends are
worried he’s going to hurt himself. Or maybe just admit this whole
plot is bad and stop trying to salvage it.
(7, because it asks people several
questions and they’re answering them.)
questions and they’re answering them.)
Your
title is misspelled and don’t post one word chapters.
title is misspelled and don’t post one word chapters.
(1)
Your
title is terrible.
title is terrible.
There
is absolutely no reason you need two different ways of indicating
thoughts to tell if they’re pokemon or human. The only possible
reason for a dialogue key is to determine who can understand a given
statement, and if it’s a thought, the answer is the person thinking
it and no one else, regardless of if they’re human or pokemon.
is absolutely no reason you need two different ways of indicating
thoughts to tell if they’re pokemon or human. The only possible
reason for a dialogue key is to determine who can understand a given
statement, and if it’s a thought, the answer is the person thinking
it and no one else, regardless of if they’re human or pokemon.
Also,
your choices for the key are generally terrible. () already have the
established meaning of an aside, making them bad for thoughts, and if
dialogue is spoken, it needs quotation marks or at least something
equivalent around it to indicate that. [] would work fine, given they
aren’t commonly used for other purposes.
your choices for the key are generally terrible. () already have the
established meaning of an aside, making them bad for thoughts, and if
dialogue is spoken, it needs quotation marks or at least something
equivalent around it to indicate that. [] would work fine, given they
aren’t commonly used for other purposes.
[Fearing
it to be a trainer, they fled, rather leave the meal than be at the
mercy of some boy. ]
it to be a trainer, they fled, rather leave the meal than be at the
mercy of some boy. ]
“preferring
to”, not “rather”.
to”, not “rather”.
Punctuation always
goes within quotation marks.
goes within quotation marks.
[There
were a lot of cocoon Pokémon around ]
were a lot of cocoon Pokémon around ]
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“(Sigh),
here we go”.]Never do this. [“Here we go,” he
said with a sigh.] or [He sighed. “Here we go.”] is how it
needs to be written.
here we go”.]Never do this. [“Here we go,” he
said with a sigh.] or [He sighed. “Here we go.”] is how it
needs to be written.
(0)
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
This
all feels very contrived. Feebas are some very rare pokemon, so it’s
not like they wanted to buy her a fish but could only get that – the
only reason she should have that and not a magikarp or goldeen is if
she specifically said she wanted it. (A magikarp would also better
fit just evolving all of a sudden while still giving you a giant
snakefish.)
all feels very contrived. Feebas are some very rare pokemon, so it’s
not like they wanted to buy her a fish but could only get that – the
only reason she should have that and not a magikarp or goldeen is if
she specifically said she wanted it. (A magikarp would also better
fit just evolving all of a sudden while still giving you a giant
snakefish.)
Then
suddenly Jirachi. You really don’t need her to be magically fixed.
It’s quite possible for a kid to be very sick and eventually get
better on their own, and if the only problem is her legs then once
she has a pokemon she can ride she should be entirely capable of
being a trainer without needing to walk.
suddenly Jirachi. You really don’t need her to be magically fixed.
It’s quite possible for a kid to be very sick and eventually get
better on their own, and if the only problem is her legs then once
she has a pokemon she can ride she should be entirely capable of
being a trainer without needing to walk.
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
(1)
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Write
out numbers with letters.
out numbers with letters.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Trainers start at ten.
This whole chapter is a waste of time.
Look, you don’t need to do the
wakeup/let me tell you boring things about myself/professor explains
stuff they’re handing out/pokemon!!!!! It’s been done. And done and
done and done and done. Do you have a plot for this (people are
trainers is not a plot, it’s a setting)? If you do, jump to that. If
you don’t, stop, figure out your plot, and then try again.
wakeup/let me tell you boring things about myself/professor explains
stuff they’re handing out/pokemon!!!!! It’s been done. And done and
done and done and done. Do you have a plot for this (people are
trainers is not a plot, it’s a setting)? If you do, jump to that. If
you don’t, stop, figure out your plot, and then try again.
(1)
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[The
Riolu and the Pokemon were layed into special rooms, part of a
massive machine, the most technologically advanced ever built. It
used the technology of the PokeBall to increase its capabilities so
it could function properly, but there were still a million things
that could go wrong. ]
Riolu and the Pokemon were layed into special rooms, part of a
massive machine, the most technologically advanced ever built. It
used the technology of the PokeBall to increase its capabilities so
it could function properly, but there were still a million things
that could go wrong. ]
You probably meant
human, not pokemon, layed isn’t even a word and lay would be the
wrong one here anyway and your sentence structure is just generally a
disorganized mess. You obviously don’t know much about science or
scientific language, so either get a beta reader who does or don’t
spend so much time trying to talk about it – if all you’re up for is
saying the machine didn’t work and then exploded, then you should’ve
written a chapter containing only that.
human, not pokemon, layed isn’t even a word and lay would be the
wrong one here anyway and your sentence structure is just generally a
disorganized mess. You obviously don’t know much about science or
scientific language, so either get a beta reader who does or don’t
spend so much time trying to talk about it – if all you’re up for is
saying the machine didn’t work and then exploded, then you should’ve
written a chapter containing only that.
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
[“Security.”
The first hissed. “The name of the experiment is not to be
spoken aloud.”]
The first hissed. “The name of the experiment is not to be
spoken aloud.”]
That’s what code names are for. This is
stupid.
stupid.
[“We’ve already gone far over
budget, and the levels of energy needed to make sure the machine can
function are astronomical.” ]
budget, and the levels of energy needed to make sure the machine can
function are astronomical.” ]
No they’re not. We can generate
enormous amounts of energy on demand and the pokemon world can do
much better given they can also just have pokemon generate it.
enormous amounts of energy on demand and the pokemon world can do
much better given they can also just have pokemon generate it.
[Back-up safety procedures. If anything
goes wrong, the Alakazam teleports them to a secure facility located
in Johto that we rented specifically for that purpose. ]
goes wrong, the Alakazam teleports them to a secure facility located
in Johto that we rented specifically for that purpose. ]
Why would the safety procedure be to
teleport them to some other place? This is painfully contrived.
teleport them to some other place? This is painfully contrived.
[As the countdown reached 278, a light
on the machine began flashing blue, indicating something had gone
wrong. No one would notice the mistake until it was too late.]
on the machine began flashing blue, indicating something had gone
wrong. No one would notice the mistake until it was too late.]
This is also stupid. If you don’t want
them to notice a mistake, don’t spend all this time on the countdown
and how it totally found a problem well in advance and indicated the
problem and everyone apparently had their eyes closed.
them to notice a mistake, don’t spend all this time on the countdown
and how it totally found a problem well in advance and indicated the
problem and everyone apparently had their eyes closed.
[But that was when something unexpected
happened: the human, now with the mind of a Riolu, woke up. It looked
around and then at itself. The effects of all the medications, the
requirements for the experiment to work correctly, was too much. The
holographic image of Riolu’s mind cracked and then shattered. Dead. ]
happened: the human, now with the mind of a Riolu, woke up. It looked
around and then at itself. The effects of all the medications, the
requirements for the experiment to work correctly, was too much. The
holographic image of Riolu’s mind cracked and then shattered. Dead. ]
That’s painfully stupid. Who the hell
would program a special image for what if the pokemon woke up and
then died? Why would it be some dramatic cracking effect?
would program a special image for what if the pokemon woke up and
then died? Why would it be some dramatic cracking effect?
And just in case – the riolu is not
dying because its mind cracks under the strain. That’s metaphor. What
it would be dying of here is panic causing it to go into shock and
maybe have a heart attack or something. If you just want the mind
itself to screw up, say that the body was supposed to be kept in a
coma state to allow the new memories to be written onto it and when
it work up, the old patterns reasserted themselves and partly
overwrote the new mind they were trying to put there.
dying because its mind cracks under the strain. That’s metaphor. What
it would be dying of here is panic causing it to go into shock and
maybe have a heart attack or something. If you just want the mind
itself to screw up, say that the body was supposed to be kept in a
coma state to allow the new memories to be written onto it and when
it work up, the old patterns reasserted themselves and partly
overwrote the new mind they were trying to put there.
[The
actual Riolu itself was alive, however, the machine was still
malfunctioning. Empty bubbles began to form in the green area of the
mind: losing memories. ]
actual Riolu itself was alive, however, the machine was still
malfunctioning. Empty bubbles began to form in the green area of the
mind: losing memories. ]
You’re putting the
cart before the horse. If half of the transfer dies partway through,
that should screw up the transfer horribly. You don’t need to keep
saying that also the machine just happens to not work right because
you say it doesn’t.
cart before the horse. If half of the transfer dies partway through,
that should screw up the transfer horribly. You don’t need to keep
saying that also the machine just happens to not work right because
you say it doesn’t.
[But
then something else went wrong. There wasn’t enough power for the
machine. It began to make unusual noises and sparks began to come out
of it. ]
then something else went wrong. There wasn’t enough power for the
machine. It began to make unusual noises and sparks began to come out
of it. ]
A lack of power
doesn’t mean something starts to spark and explode. That’s like
saying, “Oh no, there’s not enough fuel for this campfire, quick
run because that means it’s about to explode into a forest-covering
fireball!!!!!!!”
doesn’t mean something starts to spark and explode. That’s like
saying, “Oh no, there’s not enough fuel for this campfire, quick
run because that means it’s about to explode into a forest-covering
fireball!!!!!!!”
[“Teleport.”
The first ordered. Alakazam, however, did not entirely obey, instead
sending the Riolu somewhere else in Johto, before itself fleeing. The
machine continued to malfunction. The schematics of the machine were
uploaded to a computer in Johto, just in case the Psyonograph became
unusable – it was a precaution, never did they think it would
happen.]
The first ordered. Alakazam, however, did not entirely obey, instead
sending the Riolu somewhere else in Johto, before itself fleeing. The
machine continued to malfunction. The schematics of the machine were
uploaded to a computer in Johto, just in case the Psyonograph became
unusable – it was a precaution, never did they think it would
happen.]
Okay first, the
schematics would exist because that’s just what you do, what sort of
nutjob would just build a machine without having the schematics
somewhere? Second, they obviously did because literally the only
reason for a teleporter is if they were concerned about explosions.
schematics would exist because that’s just what you do, what sort of
nutjob would just build a machine without having the schematics
somewhere? Second, they obviously did because literally the only
reason for a teleporter is if they were concerned about explosions.
Basically, this
chapter is a disaster of contrivances. What you want is for a guy to
get put in a riolu, have some glitches cause memory loss, and end up
waking up somewhere random, right?
chapter is a disaster of contrivances. What you want is for a guy to
get put in a riolu, have some glitches cause memory loss, and end up
waking up somewhere random, right?
So here’s a
cleaner way to do it. Instead of them just knowing that only riolu
will work, they’re transferring multiple people and have several
different pokemon species they’re trying out to see which one works
best. One is a kadabra or other teleporting-using pokemon. The human
transferred to that body is the one that wakes up, reaks out causing
massive damage to the machine and doing random teleportation to throw
your human-riolu to somewhere random.
cleaner way to do it. Instead of them just knowing that only riolu
will work, they’re transferring multiple people and have several
different pokemon species they’re trying out to see which one works
best. One is a kadabra or other teleporting-using pokemon. The human
transferred to that body is the one that wakes up, reaks out causing
massive damage to the machine and doing random teleportation to throw
your human-riolu to somewhere random.
(2)
Okay,
so the memory thing doesn’t actually matter it’s just some minor
memories and the character’s actually really clear about it, also
despite being forced into this they know all about what the
scientists were doing (and just know the riolu’s mind is gone because
gut instinct or something).
so the memory thing doesn’t actually matter it’s just some minor
memories and the character’s actually really clear about it, also
despite being forced into this they know all about what the
scientists were doing (and just know the riolu’s mind is gone because
gut instinct or something).
Also,
the dialogue is horrible. No one, let alone a fifteen year old,
should talk like that.
the dialogue is horrible. No one, let alone a fifteen year old,
should talk like that.
I do
like that you’re at least having a character do the sane thing and
just explain, but everything about this is so horribly contrived.
Dial back the knowing everything and give them emotions beyond smug
condescension.
like that you’re at least having a character do the sane thing and
just explain, but everything about this is so horribly contrived.
Dial back the knowing everything and give them emotions beyond smug
condescension.
You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
And eh, it’s
mildly amusing but mostly it’s just cliché bitching. Going more into
the absurdity of the game world would be a good idea.
mildly amusing but mostly it’s just cliché bitching. Going more into
the absurdity of the game world would be a good idea.
(4)
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
And
hm. It’s nice that you’re starting at a different point than the
usual wake up/get pokemon/first battle, but it’s undercut by the fact
this is 90% telling about stuff and at best 10% actually showing it.
Spend less time on the narrator rambling about her surroundings and
more on just describing her surroundings.
hm. It’s nice that you’re starting at a different point than the
usual wake up/get pokemon/first battle, but it’s undercut by the fact
this is 90% telling about stuff and at best 10% actually showing it.
Spend less time on the narrator rambling about her surroundings and
more on just describing her surroundings.
Also,
she’s incompetent to the point of cartoonishness, so it’s really hard
to care about what happens to her.
she’s incompetent to the point of cartoonishness, so it’s really hard
to care about what happens to her.
(2)
Terrible,
get a beta reader.
get a beta reader.
(0)
[Jasmine
Cirrian is a 16 year old girl with a white Eevee. ]
Cirrian is a 16 year old girl with a white Eevee. ]
Or put more
shortly, she’s a sue.
shortly, she’s a sue.
Trainers start at
ten, eevee aren’t white but are sickeningly overdone.
ten, eevee aren’t white but are sickeningly overdone.
You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Your formatting is
messed up. Without spaces between the paragraphs, it’s a lot harder
to read.
messed up. Without spaces between the paragraphs, it’s a lot harder
to read.
And now her eevee
can talk. Talking pokemon tend to lead to bad fics.
can talk. Talking pokemon tend to lead to bad fics.
[“I
will never understand how you know what the Pokemon are saying.
That’s not normal, you know.”
I smiled tightly, knowing he
was joking, but the comment still got to me. I was born able to
understand Poke-speak. ]
will never understand how you know what the Pokemon are saying.
That’s not normal, you know.”
I smiled tightly, knowing he
was joking, but the comment still got to me. I was born able to
understand Poke-speak. ]
Okay
she’s wangsting about her super special power she has for no reason,
I’m out.
she’s wangsting about her super special power she has for no reason,
I’m out.
(1)
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Semicolons
do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when
grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly,
judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable.
If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because
the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look
pretentious.
do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when
grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly,
judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable.
If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because
the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look
pretentious.
And eh, I’m not really sure what this
adds. Given how absurd her dress was, I can’t believe that was
anyone’s decision but hers, and I don’t see what it adds to her that
winning at the league means she’s penned in when it sure seemed Alder
could go do all sorts of stuff and there was no sign he was some
weird exception to how things were supposed to be.
adds. Given how absurd her dress was, I can’t believe that was
anyone’s decision but hers, and I don’t see what it adds to her that
winning at the league means she’s penned in when it sure seemed Alder
could go do all sorts of stuff and there was no sign he was some
weird exception to how things were supposed to be.
(1)
“Its”
is possessive, as in “its story”, and “it’s”
means “it is”.
is possessive, as in “its story”, and “it’s”
means “it is”.
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
(0)
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Put
spaces after punctuation.
spaces after punctuation.
(0)
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
Don’t use stated.
You need to have things actually
happening in your story.
happening in your story.
(1)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
“Its” is possessive, as in
“its story”, and “it’s” means “it is”.
“its story”, and “it’s” means “it is”.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
And huh. Well, it’s different, but so
far it’s just some horrible stuff happening for no clear reason,
which makes it hard to be too interested in where it’s going. I
assume there’s going to be more explanation later, but you don’t have
any hooks suggesting what that might be.
far it’s just some horrible stuff happening for no clear reason,
which makes it hard to be too interested in where it’s going. I
assume there’s going to be more explanation later, but you don’t have
any hooks suggesting what that might be.
(0)
There
are seven thousand stories just on this site in this category with
“pokemon” in their title. “New” features in
another thousand. There are over four hundred “chronicles”,
more if you include misspellings, even more with “begins”
and “beginning”, and even more “Character Name”‘s
whatever. There are almost eight hundred with “legend”.
There are fourteen hundred with “journey”, twelve hundred
with “story”, almost three hundred with “quest”,
and two thousand with “adventure”. The different region
names appear another thousand or two times. “Saga”,
“region” and “champion” come in around two
hundred. In sum, you should try to choose an original title that has
to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates
it’s yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
are seven thousand stories just on this site in this category with
“pokemon” in their title. “New” features in
another thousand. There are over four hundred “chronicles”,
more if you include misspellings, even more with “begins”
and “beginning”, and even more “Character Name”‘s
whatever. There are almost eight hundred with “legend”.
There are fourteen hundred with “journey”, twelve hundred
with “story”, almost three hundred with “quest”,
and two thousand with “adventure”. The different region
names appear another thousand or two times. “Saga”,
“region” and “champion” come in around two
hundred. In sum, you should try to choose an original title that has
to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates
it’s yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
It’s
“Unova”.
“Unova”.
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
[“I’ve
never seen a Quilava with a color scheme like yours, has it always
been that color?”
never seen a Quilava with a color scheme like yours, has it always
been that color?”
“Yeah, ever since she was born. My parents say it’s a
one-in-a-billion occurance. ]
Don’t
give your characters pointless specialness. Also, spellcheck.
give your characters pointless specialness. Also, spellcheck.
“Your”
is possessive, as in, your story, “you’re” means “you
are”.
is possessive, as in, your story, “you’re” means “you
are”.
This
is really just the same as every other. Nothing is added by the
background and once he decides to be a trainer at last it just means
a transition to doing generic trainer things.
is really just the same as every other. Nothing is added by the
background and once he decides to be a trainer at last it just means
a transition to doing generic trainer things.
(0)
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write
out numbers with letters.
out numbers with letters.
[Are
all of my characters dull and unlikable? ]
all of my characters dull and unlikable? ]
Unlikable
is would be overstating things, but yeah, this is dull. Look, there’s
been thousands upon thousands of OT fics written. A kid who dreams of
being a pokemon master and goes to bed excited for the next day just
isn’t anything new, and even the specifically oversleeping and not
getting a starter has been done to death – in both the super-special
and really dull replacement variations.
is would be overstating things, but yeah, this is dull. Look, there’s
been thousands upon thousands of OT fics written. A kid who dreams of
being a pokemon master and goes to bed excited for the next day just
isn’t anything new, and even the specifically oversleeping and not
getting a starter has been done to death – in both the super-special
and really dull replacement variations.
Really,
just skip to him actually having his pokemon. OT tend to die on the
first chapter or two, so the farther out you get the less overdone it
is.
just skip to him actually having his pokemon. OT tend to die on the
first chapter or two, so the farther out you get the less overdone it
is.
(1)
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Spinda’s
health bar goes down more than halfway. ]
health bar goes down more than halfway. ]
Don’t
write like this.
write like this.
[the
Mark says with an admirable smile as he stands upright. ]
Mark says with an admirable smile as he stands upright. ]
The
“the” shouldn’t be there and you mean “admiring”.
“the” shouldn’t be there and you mean “admiring”.
[“Faint
Attack is a Dark-type attack,” I continue to explain. “Mightyena
is resistant to Dark-type attacks, so they have no effect,” I
say as I pet Mightyena on the head. “As a Pokémon trainer, you
should learn to be more aware of information like that; it can
improve your strategizing.” ]
Attack is a Dark-type attack,” I continue to explain. “Mightyena
is resistant to Dark-type attacks, so they have no effect,” I
say as I pet Mightyena on the head. “As a Pokémon trainer, you
should learn to be more aware of information like that; it can
improve your strategizing.” ]
If
you want to write about something like this, you need to have a good
enough handle on battling to be able to offer actually insightful
information. Telling us what type a move is? Really not good enough.
It doesn’t make your character seem like they know what they’re
doing, it makes it look like your entire world is populated by
absolute morons who have elected your character moron king.
you want to write about something like this, you need to have a good
enough handle on battling to be able to offer actually insightful
information. Telling us what type a move is? Really not good enough.
It doesn’t make your character seem like they know what they’re
doing, it makes it look like your entire world is populated by
absolute morons who have elected your character moron king.
[a
sweat drop ]
sweat drop ]
Don’t
do this.
do this.
And
now it’s lots and lots of talking about stuff that doesn’t matter.
The fact people do talk about lunch does not mean your story needs
people to talk about lunch in it.
now it’s lots and lots of talking about stuff that doesn’t matter.
The fact people do talk about lunch does not mean your story needs
people to talk about lunch in it.
(0)
Trainers
waking up and getting their first pokemon is just not interesting
unless society’s collapsed and they have to fight their way through
zombies first or something. If your story has more of a plot than
that people exist in it, skip to that for your opening.
waking up and getting their first pokemon is just not interesting
unless society’s collapsed and they have to fight their way through
zombies first or something. If your story has more of a plot than
that people exist in it, skip to that for your opening.
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
(1)
I see
what you’re trying to do with the news, but there wouldn’t be
developments that fast and there should be a lot more nonsense
interspersed with it. Maybe have him fall asleep with the news on and
wake up to hear the final explanation.
what you’re trying to do with the news, but there wouldn’t be
developments that fast and there should be a lot more nonsense
interspersed with it. Maybe have him fall asleep with the news on and
wake up to hear the final explanation.
[only
people with a certain blood type are being affected- Omega. ]
people with a certain blood type are being affected- Omega. ]
Omega
isn’t a blood type. Do you mean O?
isn’t a blood type. Do you mean O?
[The
cause of the disease, officially named Alkardiosis, comes from the
natural bacteria that generates from Pokemon’s DNA. ]
cause of the disease, officially named Alkardiosis, comes from the
natural bacteria that generates from Pokemon’s DNA. ]
Bacteria
has its own DNA. If pokemon DNA is able to create subcells with
limited bits of DNA, that’s something weird and entirely different.
has its own DNA. If pokemon DNA is able to create subcells with
limited bits of DNA, that’s something weird and entirely different.
[This
bacteria is what allows Pokemon to be two different types since it
alters the genetic code ]
bacteria is what allows Pokemon to be two different types since it
alters the genetic code ]
No, that’s insane.
The “bacteria” which “generate from” existing DNA
would not be necessary to alter that DNA to its present form – that
would basically require time travel. Regardless the idea pokemon need
their DNA altered to be two different types is just nonsense straight
through.
The “bacteria” which “generate from” existing DNA
would not be necessary to alter that DNA to its present form – that
would basically require time travel. Regardless the idea pokemon need
their DNA altered to be two different types is just nonsense straight
through.
If you want some
pseudoscience, say it’s related to whatever makes pokemon evolve,
since it’s sadly canon that evolutions have different genes than
their base forms making it a good start for DNA-altering shenanigans.
The bacteria could be some sort of weird symbiotic species that adds
certain set DNA sequences to pokemon when they’re ready to evolve.
Still doesn’t make too much sense but at least the crazy bits are
mostly what’s already canon. (It’d also explain why you’re saying
they turn half pokemon, when screwing with DNA to add a type should
just be adding a type.)
pseudoscience, say it’s related to whatever makes pokemon evolve,
since it’s sadly canon that evolutions have different genes than
their base forms making it a good start for DNA-altering shenanigans.
The bacteria could be some sort of weird symbiotic species that adds
certain set DNA sequences to pokemon when they’re ready to evolve.
Still doesn’t make too much sense but at least the crazy bits are
mostly what’s already canon. (It’d also explain why you’re saying
they turn half pokemon, when screwing with DNA to add a type should
just be adding a type.)
Regardless blood
type would have nothing to do with it. It’s not like red blood cells
even have DNA in them.
type would have nothing to do with it. It’s not like red blood cells
even have DNA in them.
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
[the
government has eradicated each and every Pokemon from every town and
nearby area, ]
government has eradicated each and every Pokemon from every town and
nearby area, ]
Nope.
That’s like saying the government has killed off all plants and
animals from towns and nearby areas. You could get things pretty dead
but there’s no way you could keep everything out. Given it only
effects a portion of the population, it would make a lot more sense
to focus on specifically keeping “omega blood types” away
from pokemon than eliminating all pokemon from every last town.
That’s like saying the government has killed off all plants and
animals from towns and nearby areas. You could get things pretty dead
but there’s no way you could keep everything out. Given it only
effects a portion of the population, it would make a lot more sense
to focus on specifically keeping “omega blood types” away
from pokemon than eliminating all pokemon from every last town.
[and has
successfully protected humans from the bacteria of Alkardiosis by
building up walls between each city to keep them out. ]
successfully protected humans from the bacteria of Alkardiosis by
building up walls between each city to keep them out. ]
Again, these are
animals and plants. Big walls do not keep out all animals and plants.
Some fly, for the most obvious problem.
animals and plants. Big walls do not keep out all animals and plants.
Some fly, for the most obvious problem.
…aaaaaaaaaand
now for some ungodly reason you just repeated your short chapter’s
explanations almost word for word in your summary at the end. Why
would you even bother doing that?
now for some ungodly reason you just repeated your short chapter’s
explanations almost word for word in your summary at the end. Why
would you even bother doing that?
Don’t ask for
characters. It doesn’t end well.
characters. It doesn’t end well.
(3)
[My name is Mafia ]
No, because that’s an absurd name. I
notice it’s also your penname, which is just another red flag.
notice it’s also your penname, which is just another red flag.
“Its” is possessive, as in
“its story”, and “it’s” means “it is”.
“its story”, and “it’s” means “it is”.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
Generally, your grasp of grammar is
pretty bad. Proofread better, look up what you’re not sure of, and
get a beta reader.
pretty bad. Proofread better, look up what you’re not sure of, and
get a beta reader.
Also, this isn’t particularly
interesting. Putting a character in a bad situation then spending
most of the time on how she doesn’t care and they’re all just a bunch
of idiots really kills any tension you might have.
interesting. Putting a character in a bad situation then spending
most of the time on how she doesn’t care and they’re all just a bunch
of idiots really kills any tension you might have.
(1)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
Your central conflict here is a bit
weak – if his mom gave him the treat, why isn’t she doing anything
when his brother starts bullying him? Why did he save the treat since
yesterday, particularly when it’s a fish and they don’t exactly last
well?
weak – if his mom gave him the treat, why isn’t she doing anything
when his brother starts bullying him? Why did he save the treat since
yesterday, particularly when it’s a fish and they don’t exactly last
well?
Also, if your story is incestuous,
that’s probably a more important label to mention than that it’s a
relationship between two pokemon.
that’s probably a more important label to mention than that it’s a
relationship between two pokemon.
Wtf people.
(1)
Paragraphing
has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is
not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker
means you start a new paragraph.
has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is
not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker
means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Porn’s
banned on this site, you’re really better off posting it elsewhere.
banned on this site, you’re really better off posting it elsewhere.
(0)
Today’s was twenty pages, and I’m
still about a day behind.
still about a day behind.
Have there always been this much porn? I remember your rages from the previous years, but was it always this much, or do I have blissful selective memory?
But the bad science, oh the bad science is so hilariously wonderful.
And man, every year you do this I get the urge to write down this OT that I can’t let go.
There certainly wasn’t this much when I was a kid on ffn. WTF, kids these days?
You may be misremembering because the porn’s always been set to be hidden in the default view. It was definitely there and definitely horrible since the first days I spent on the site.
Ah, that’s possible. It’s also possible it didn’t mean anything to me as a 12 and I just didn’t bother remembering it.
The category’s very busy at the moment. There’s always been crappy porn.
The author of the science one edited it to have one character express the concerns in your review and another dismiss them nonsensically:
“Couldn’t you use a code name?”
“That would make people suspicious. The official story is that we haven’t decided on a name.”
“Isn’t that also suspicious?”
“We shoot anyone who comes near the lab.”