Pokereviews Day 3 (31)

A lot of business as usual, but the last one is one of those glorious universe-rewriting sues where there’s enough going on to argue and speculate.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10939671/1/Pokemon-Illusions

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

This really seems like a lot of filler. When writing, you should ask yourself, What am I trying to tell the reader with this line? Right now it seems like half of this is just THEY’RE AT BATTLE SUBWAY THEY’RE AT BATTLE SUBWAYTHEY’RE AT BATTLE SUBWAYTHEY’RE AT BATTLE SUBWAYTHEY’RE AT BATTLE SUBWAYTHEY’RE AT BATTLE SUBWAYTHEY’RE AT BATTLE SUBWAYTHEY’RE AT BATTLE SUBWAYTHEY’RE AT BATTLE SUBWAYTHEY’RE AT BATTLE SUBWAYTHEY’RE AT BATTLE SUBWAYTHEY’RE AT BATTLE SUBWAYTHEY’RE AT BATTLE SUBWAYTHEY’RE AT BATTLE SUBWAYTHEY’RE AT BATTLE SUBWAYTHEY’RE AT BATTLE SUBWAYTHEY’RE AT BATTLE SUBWAY…HEY DID YOU KNOW THEY’RE AT BATTLE SUBWAY? THEY’RE AT BATTLE SUBWAY!

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10939731/1/One-Last-Hope

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

“Its” is possessive, “it’s” means “it is.”

[This boy would go to great heights. The Pokemon sensed that. The boy held a level of power few Trainers in the history of the world had ever matched. The Pokemon’s heart continued to accelerate, excitement burning through it like a wildfire. This was the chance it had been waiting for now. All it had to do was wake up and find this Trainer. Once it’s power met the young boy’s own, they would be unstoppable. It would be unstoppable. They would conquer the world, and crush all those who opposed them. They would bring about a new dawn. This boy… the Pokemon knew exactly what he was for it and every other person and Pokemon who deserved salvation ]

So, chosen one stuff.

Here’s the problem. It’s really unlikely your story has a bad ending. That’s okay, because stories are generally about finding out how the good ending comes about. But you also just told us what the good ending is, namely get this pokemon, and now that’s pretty much inevitably going to happen eventually. It’s possible there’ll be a twist at that point (such as the pokemon talking about CRUSHING ALL WHO OPPOSE US is not actually a good thing to have around) but it still means sitting around for dozens of chapters waiting for the inevitable meeting, because even if there’s a twist the last chapter, that just means you told readers what happens in your second to last chapter instead.

Whereas, if you hadn’t had this pokemon tell all the readers about the chosen one stamp of approval, it wouldn’t be so inevitable and it’d feel like there were plenty of directions the story could go in, and instead it’d be impressive when it eventually happens rather than feeling like everything before that is just padding.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10939731/2/One-Last-Hope

[He noticed quickly that all of the Pokemon were of Hoenn origin. Poochyena, Wurmple, Zigzagoon, and Lotad, among others. Having grown up with a father who had been a Pokemon Elite Trainer, Max knew a lot about which Pokemon were born weak and which were born destined for greatness. ]

Okay, but why didn’t his dad just give him a decent pokemon? If we’re doing the game thing of some pokemon having better stats than others, then there’s also the issue it’s really easy to breed pokemon once you have a few. Odds are at least two of his dad’s six pokemon can reproduce together and give him one team-worthy pokemon, or failing that, one of the female ones can reproduce with some easily caught common pokemon.

Similarly, it shouldn’t be that hard for the professors to do that to provide starters. If you’re not having that be as easy as in the game, then saying that the traditional starters are still around but breeding them costs a lot and the new government is no longer willing to pay for it would establish that breeding’s difficult, which makes a lot more sense than what you seem to suggest later which is that the not-found-wild-anywhere starters were being caught and distributed.

[Max ran forward. “Manectric, you were amazing!”
“No, it wasn’t.”
Max’s head jerked around. “What do you mean? It beat your Ralts! The strength of it’s moves is nothing compared to that little weakling!”
Philip sighed. “You really are an idiot, aren’t you? That Manectric didn’t listen to a word you said. You’ll never be a Pokemon Master with that kind of Pokemon.”]

But he didn’t say he was a great trainer, he said his pokemon was great. I don’t see how the fact it was ignoring him when it effortlessly won is a rebuttal to the fact it’s impressive in its own right.

I think the setup here is interesting, and I like that he’s not throwing a tantrum over his pokemon not listening to him. But on the other hand, it ends up begging the question of why it matters to have pokemon listen to you in the first place. Did Philip telling his ralts to dodge actually do anything to help the ralts win the fight, or was dodging kind of the obvious thing to do in response to flames shooting at you?

[He caught himself a Pidgey, his reason being that Pidgeot was capable of Mega Evolution and Flying types were super strong against Grass-types. ]

I wish you’d stopped to show this fight, because battling to capture vs beat is different. Did he just get lucky in managing to catch it before his manectric knocked it out? Did he catch it by just chucking pokeballs at it without releasing his manectric? Or did he explain what he was trying to do to his manectric?

What you’ve shown so far is that it attacks the other trainer’s pokemon and doesn’t attack him. That doesn’t narrow things down much. It could really like fighting with other pokemon, so it simply doesn’t care who’s standing behind it, or it could like him fine but just not have any reason to trust his orders over its own experience. If he tells it he wants to catch a wild pokemon, whether it pulls its punches would give us an idea of which this is. Here, it seems like it’s just a pokebot who attacks the opponents because that’s how game battles work and is using random moves because he doesn’t have the badges yet. And that lack of characterization’s pretty weird given it seems like your current subplot is him dealing with the fact he’s carrying a great pokemon but it’s not listening to him and his wins have nothing to do with any ability of his.

[She rolled her eyes. “Your father was one of the most important figures in the war! He caught the Legendary Pokemon Suicune, and released it later to help restore the world to a livable state! Your mother was one of the Team Emerald Executives before she married your father!” ]

Why’d his mom quit? Especially when it seems like Emerald’s governing leaves a lot to be desired and so she’d be able to do a lot of good there.

[The man shook his head weakly. “No…” His voice dropped to a whisper, probably making it easier for him to talk. “You are a strong boy, Max. I see the same… fire in you that once burned bright in your father.” He coughed before continuing. “You must do me a favor. When I was a young Trainer… I always wanted to become… a Pokemon League Champion. Restore… restore the League for me, Max. That… is my last request.” He suddenly broke into a coughing fit.
Max started to stand up. “I’ll get the girl.” He said.
The man grabbed his arm. “No… don’t. My time is coming, and it’s coming fast. I’ve known it for a long time, Max. This cancer… it was never something I could beat.” More coughing. “Get… my bag. Under the table.”
Slowly, Max reached under the table and pulled out a brown satchel. He set it on the bed beside the man. He reached in and pulled something out. A green orb. He put it in Max’s hand. The minute the grandfather pulled his hand away, the orb began to glow softly.
“Just as I thought. That is the Jade… Orb. Used to summon Rayquaza. Without… without Rayquaza, you cannot control Groudon and Kyogre. With all three… you can do anything.” He placed his hand on Max’s. “Summon Rayquaza on the Sky Pillar. I have faith in you. You can do what I was never able to.”]

And continuing that, do you realize how very weird it is that he’s telling Max all this rather than ever asking his granddaughter?

If you needed Max to get another chosen one stamp, the least contrived way of doing this would be for it to be his dad’s dream. Showing his dad was dying of some disease would better fit the idea the world is pretty crappy than that a grandfather’s dying, and it’d also explain why Max’s dad can’t just beat up Emerald and fix everything himself. (Having him inherit his dad’s manectric would also be a better way of getting a powerful pokemon that can beat basically everyone, rather than it just being a random pokemon that happens to be that great.)

Zero. And for the first fic I’ve hit where I’m actually engaged a bit in the story. I mean, okay, the chosen one aspect is the usual terrible, but what’ll happen with the manectric?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10939742/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Rise-of-the-Abyss

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

It’s really a bad idea to start your story by saying the main character is destined to win in the end and fix everything. It’s much better to say they’re chosen in the hopes they’ll do that, or better yet just skip it entirely.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10939745/1/Surprises

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10939808/1/Omega-Ruby-Distortions

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

This is way too short for a first chapter.

Two.

The end of January 1st, at last!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10939912/1/Pokemon-Special-Masara-High-Adventures

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10939977/1/Sapphire-Tales

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[My mate sent me on a mission to hunt down small Pokemon that could potentially be fed to smaller Absols. ]

That’s not how it works. Lions don’t have the ability to swallow zebra whole, and they don’t have to switch to hunting lizards when they have babies. They kill something and then they rip it into manageable pieces.

The only time size is an issue is if instead of before they’ve had kids, this is some time after and the absol has been sent out to find something that small absols could practice killing on.

[I can see the burn marks on it as I knew it could have potentially been some lightning or a fire Pokemon. I couldn’t imagine a Pokemon here that could use such a move, let alone Ember that is probably their weakest attack. ]

What? “let alone ember” is phrasing that would mean ember is more powerful than the one being talked about, and saying it’s probably “their weakest attack” means that the pokemon around here all have stronger fire attacks. Honestly, this is such a jumble I can’t even reword it because you either mean that the burn marks are super minor, so the absol thinks any of the pokemon around would’ve left more of a mark, or that the burn marks are impressive and the absol doesn’t think any pokemon around know a move that could do it. In other words, your explanation didn’t actually convey any informtion.

[Abigail and I really didn’t have the kind of relationship where it’s really ‘friendly.’ She just wanted to have cubs to raise, and I believe she was expecting me to help her be the father of the family. But to be completely honest, her attitude towards me isn’t the greatest, almost to the point where I almost hate it. The only reason she chose me to be her mate was because she was impressed with my battling capabilities, not for anything else. And the reason I went with mating her was because I want to know that my family tree gets started somewhere, with hopes that it will become remembered among Absols. But she was the type of Absol that I thought others would most likely hate, so in turn the children will be hated as well.
I’ve been thinking about the pros of being with her. The one that I can think off the top of my head is that my children will have my bloodline, with that being the only thing. And the cons outweigh the pros tremendously.]

This comes out of nowhere and renders this whole chapter a waste of time. All the cons he lists are things he’d have known from the beginning, so it’s not clear why he suddenly decides that nah, nevermind, especially given he’s skipping out at the worst possible time if his motivation is to have a legacy. I mean, it’s not just that they’re about to hatch and need a lot of help getting enough food, but also he just pissed off a whole pack of competing predators, killed one of their babies, and then walked right back to his family carrying that dead baby as food, so anyone wanting to track him for revenge babykilling barely even has to try.

It’d make far more sense for him to be leaving because the kids are mostly grown and he doesn’t see a need to stick around, or if you said anything about how absol babies really only need protecting and help while they’re in the egg.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10940016/1/Just-a-Tradition

Please stop avoiding said. Using “asked” a million times and a smattering of other barely-fitting speech tags is way more distracting.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10940047/1/Backtrack-Aurora

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Then, as if he thought she needed comfort from this “terrible news”, he reached to hold her hand. Granted, she knew this ‘move’. Frost, her friend, warned her about some of the sly moves that guys from the city would try on girls. One of which was the classic “yawn-and-swing-arm-around-the-girl’s-shoulder” move. ]

She’s an espeon. She shouldn’t even have hands. You’re writing all this like it’s just people with magic powers.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10940062/1/Parallels-in-Time

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Also, stop avoiding “said”. It’s even more distracting than overusing the word.

Two.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10940117/1/Champion-s-Allure

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10940517/1/Mother

[When Archie is sent up to help out his sick Great-Aunt in Fallarbor, the last person he wanted to see was the town Doctor. ]

Oh god.

Google “proper vs common noun”. Read any one of the articles that pop and it’ll explain to you why you need to stop capitalizing words.

Pokemon category once again is here to remind you that the slippery slope is not always a fallacy, no matter how hard I wish.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10940494/1/Crime-Doesn-t-Sleep-Book-1-Reassignment

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[ but it still sagged as if it were a boxer whom had thrown the match due to just pure exhaustion. ]

Uh. Nice try with the hardboiled simile there, but throwing a match means you deliberately lose despite being capable of winning.

[fter recieving her call (which while one would think would with great difficulty coming from a quadruped, many pokemon like her found that her jaw was her greatest asset. In her world, it’s basically like there was a whole line of things from electronics to seats to cars to clothing made for the quadrupedal pokemon of the earth), ]

I really don’t get why they’re pokemon here. I mean, it’s amusing that you have her carrying her hat in her mouth, but it just raises new questions about how even if she could get the shirt on it’d just incredibly uncomfortable on her fur. This all seems like the sort of thing that’d be a lot of fun for a comic, but serves no purpose but distraction in something that’s just text.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10940659/1/THE-Pokemon-Adventure-Kanto-Harry-Jerkins-adventure

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Punctuation goes at the end of all sentences, not just some.

One, by the author.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10940828/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-A-New-World

Uh. Like the idea, but the writing is a lot like wading through glittery mud. A lot of the words flat out don’t work in the sentence, and even the ones that do seem at odds with the situation as well as Ash’s general POV.

[It was that of the face and body of the girl that he briefly in that strange vision like imagery minutes ago. Her hair and eyes were a dark chocolate shade of brown, in contrast to his black hair and eyes. And previously vague memories of a life that seemed to parallel his childhood in many ways, memories of the same mother, of the same town, of the same childhood friend turned rival sorted themselves out.
The flood of information still coursing through her mind, trembling hands felt herself to verify the reality that was staring at her wide eyed through the mirror.]

Also, the gender thing seems weird. It seems to still be Ash doing the thinking, rather than the girl having momentarily confused herself with Ash, so it should still be “his mind” and all, he’s just in a girl’s body now.

Zero.

Also, can I tag someone else in here to explain the sentence problem? Act? I’m terrible at trying to figure out why a sentence makes my brain revolt.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10940871/1/Moving-Forward

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Looker went on rambling. That easily broke the magic. Whoever said girls talked too much hadn’t met all the men in her life.  ]

This is perhaps the truest thing ever written about X&Y.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10940910/1/I-Hate-This-Part

[“Really, Shauna, it’s fine,” the woman sighed ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Also, stop avoiding said, it’s far more distracting than overusing it.

The French is an interesting touch given where this takes place.

Two.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10940985/1/Coat-Hanger-Abortion

[It’s a strong looking Cubone! ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Really not sure what you were going with this, unless it’s the idea calling something a parody makes it automatically clever.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10941029/1/A-Black-and-White-Happy-New-Year-s-Confessions

[Crymson, with her Oshawott named Muji, are dressing up to go to Striaton City with her friends for the New Year celebration. Crymson put on a barette through her side bangs to the rest of her hair, revealing her right eye with a scar down through it from a Beedrill attack at age 5, and eyed her tall mirror, examining herself wearing her short black dress, her tiny Fire Stone necklace given to her from her mom, and short heel shoes. ]

So, mary sue.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10941218/1/Four-Gifts-From-Professor-Oak

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

This is cute but pretty one-note – get gift, unwrap gift, tell reader gift is good and thoughtful. The interaction between Gary and Oak is the strongest bit, especially as the gift there is the only one that particularly ties into anything.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10941228/1/Brave-New-World

Write out numbers with letters.

[ She was turning 18, and that means she has the right to move out. ]

It seems really unlikely the pokeworld has stringent requirements about when kids can move out/apartment owership given they’re fine with ten year olds running around mountains poking legendaries.

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[ but if you take care of this Ralts, he will protect you when we aren’t around. The world is a dangerous place Henrietta, and we worry about your safety.” ]

Then why did they get her a ralts?

Look at the canon starter pokemon. They all start with attacking moves and are reasonably durable so they won’t get knocked out and become useless from a light tap. (It doesn’t even start with teleport! Abra may not start off with any fighting capability either, but at least one could go get help.)

If you want her to have a ralts, say it’s because they worry she’d get lonely or something sane like that, anything but that they seriously think the tissue paper pokemon is going to be much use if she’s in danger.

[To be fair, the thought of becoming a Trainer both frightened and excited her. She could finally become the heroes that she read in her books, going off on an adventure and saving lives and whatnot. ]

Wait, what? If she had any interest in doing that, she’d have done it. A minute ago you said she had her own place and was going to college, and she was just going to also have a pokemon while she did it. Going off to be a trainer is not really compatible with that.

[The professor raised an eyebrow. “Well this is new. Usually a young person like yourself would be eager to get your license.  ]

She’s like twice the age of the people he should be seeing normally.

And now she’s pointing out that traveling around flies in the face of her plans, and he says it’d be fun, so now she’s a ridiculously overaged trainer.

[I’ve never written a story for the Pokemon world and I haven’t read any others so this thing is based on my own thoughts. Tell me if it’s your typical “OC becomes a trainer” story in the reviews. ]

Yeah, pretty much, next time read people’s stuff to get an idea of general pitfalls. Much better grammatically than most, though.

Ralts is not only overdone but it’s just a terrible choice for a starter.

I assume you both really want her to be an eighteen year old newbie and for her to have a ralts. The best option is there is probably to say she’s had this ralts as a pet for some time – this would also let it be strong enough that it could actually do a semi-decent job of basic protection. Maybe she’s feeling burnt out or something from all her studying, or maybe her intended major is in geology, so she’s going to wander around having new experiences/examining cool rocks/whatever. Given that kids can go be trainers and put off their education for years, it’d even be reasonable to say that since she stayed and worked during those years, she’s already gotten to college and now she’s doing a project of her own.

(If instead it’s more important to you that she have no experience dealing with pokemon, give her a pokemon that makes an ounce of sense here. Doesn’t have to be an actual starter, just something reasonably tough and/or able to go get help if she ends up in real trouble.)

Having a clear goal for her would really, really help. She should be absolutely crushed by any experienced trainer her own age, so the badge and champion route looks ridiculous. But if she’s investigating something not directly related to pokemon that requires traveling around, she’d still be journeying, meeting new people and pokemon, and running into battles. And that’d be a much better use of the character you’ve built up, who’s interested in learning and books.

One, and it’s someone explaining journeyfic needs plot. Yay!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10941456/1/A-New-Year

It’s not “normal POV”, it’s “third person POV”.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10941554/1/What-every-Boyfriend-Should-Do

This isn’t your writing and so you shouldn’t be posting it under your name, this has nothing to do with pokemon and so shouldn’t be a separate chapter, and a bunch of this is creep so no, boyfriends shouldn’t do that.

If you want to use this as drabble fodder, just put each part in front of the drabble as you go, there’s no need to post the whole thing here.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10941554/2/What-every-Boyfriend-Should-Do

Don’t label flashbacks.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[That is my first drabble with 118 words…does that count as a drabble? ]

Not quite. A drabble is 100 words precisely, and it’s not supposed to be dashed out and then posted. It’s a writing exercise to learn how to make every word count, and you’re supposed to spent time editing it to get it just right and exactly a hundred words.

Two.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10941707/1/Separated

[P.S The main character is going to be Hilbert from Unova with a different name and different life.]

So what you’re saying is the main character is something else entirely.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

And now there’s a pointless pokemon match where main character wins despite a type disadvantage followed by using nothing but disadvantaged moves, possibly because you thought that’d sell him as having awesome pokemon rather than being unable to handle basic tactics.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10941713/1/Standing-in-Arms

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

All sentences need to end in punctuation, not just some of them.

“Its” is possessive, “it’s” means “it is.”

This is far too short for a first chapter.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10941744/1/Pokemon-The-Aura-Adventures-Season-1-Kalos

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Write out numbers with letters.

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point. Also, no one will ever care what your character is eating for breakfast.

Don’t use ” for thoughts, that’s for spoken words. Italics alone is fine.

[“Good. I’ll be looking forward to it.” Kevin replied ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Riolu. Well, it’s one of the overused sue pokemon, but at least it’s not totally unsuited as a starter.

[“You see, Riolu is a Pokémon capable of feeling out a person’s aura,” she answered, taking her hand off Luke’s shoulder. “So this little one just wants to know how yours is.”
Now Luke was staring to understand, but his sister was still confused. Then they turned their attention back on Riolu, who only took another step closer towards Luke. Riolu gazed deep into Luke’s eyes and then started to feel out his aura. When he did, he was shocked. What he was seeing was a big light blue aura admitting around him.
At first, Luke was a bit nervous by Riolu’s reaction. But then, Riolu calmed down and grew a big smile on his face and he suddenly jumped towards Luke, shocking him. Riolu jumped right on Luke like a dog would and Luke grabbed Riolu with his arms. His mother just giggled, and his sister was in awe.
“H-Hey, what’s the big idea?” Luke asked the cheerful Riolu with a smile. He soon found himself holding Riolu close and Riolu gazing at his eyes with a big smile and then rubbed the side of his head on him with excitement. At first, Luke was surprised by the sudden affection, but he soon his smile returned. Then, his mother walked closer towards him and he looked at her.
“Well, looks like Riolu really seems to like your aura very much. And I mean really much.” She said with a smile, surprising Luke.]

Still got the overused sue pokemon thing issue, though.

Honestly, this is one of those points where having him just run into one would be less sueish. What you have now is that he was given a riolu first and by amazing luck just happened to be the sort of incredibly awesome person the riolu would want to be around. It’s also make the fact it’s an infant seem slightly less evil if it had willingly chosen to go with him instead of his dad taking a couple week old pokemon away from whatever family it had to be used as a starter.

[“Hmm… Only a few weeks, huh.” Kevin said.
“Yep.” Luke replied. But then, Kevin turned his attention back to Luke and gave a grin of his own, confusing Luke a little.
“Is he strong?” Kevin asked, surprising Luke in the process. “They say a Riolu is pretty strong, even if they’re young.”
“Well, I’m not sure.” Luke answered, scratching the side of his head as he looked back down at Riolu, who was confused too. “I mean, I just got Riolu. So I don’t know.”
“Wanna find out?” Kevin asked]

I don’t know why you thought harping on the fact it’s a baby was somehow a plus in all this.

But of course he wins because he’s the main character and also you seem to think using babies in pokemon battles is a wonderful idea, so it was pretty inevitable.

Also, all of this appears to be filler. “Kid wakes up, gets pokemon, has battle with zero stakes” was never interesting and having it done a million times already hasn’t changed that. You’ve got other people ominously hinting stuff is about to happen. Why don’t we just follow those people who are doing stuff?

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10941764/1/PMD-Trailblazers

[ Sun-up, hide in his cave, Sun-down, gather food. The desert sands were rich with the forgotten loot of previous explorers who had braved its merciless sun… And Failed. The little purple imp-like Pokemon  ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[plucked an Oran berry from the sands, dusted it off and shoved the blue berry into his mouth, gnawing away at it greedily. ]

It’s hard to believe this is a deadly desert when there’s random sand berries.

[‘But…’ Sableye purred to himself, ‘The cave…’]

If that’s what Sableye is saying, then it should be written with normal quotation marks because it’s just dialogue.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10941901/1/Surrender

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[I know… I wrote this years ago and its crappy and it made me cringe reading it and its sooo out of character is unreal, but  ]

No.

Two. Jesus fuck the category’s reviewers are just broken.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10942002/1/The-Daughter-of-Destruction

[I also physically require less sleep than normal humans, but that is because I am not a normal human. I’m only about an eighth human, due to my father’s dominant genes. Unique pokemon appear to have more dominant genes than humans when they have children, according to dad’s friend, Alakazam. As the one and only Yveltal, daddy gave me plenty of his genes, which has caused me to be very different from normal humans in both natural behavior and appearance. My mom, a Sootopolian beauty originally from the Hoenn region, was named Avis, and had far less dominant genes. ]

…okay, that’s actually somewhat coherent compared to most stuff about genes I see, but still awful.

Your character is 50% human genetically. It’d be properly expressed as that her father’s genes were mostly dominant, because there’s no such thing as a gene that is in and of itself dominant or recessive, just that a gene is dominant to one gene and recessive to another. It’d also be properly expressed by leaving “unique pokemon work this way” out of it, because it’s ridiculous you’d see such similarities between a group defined around being unique.

The fact that he successfully had a kid with her mother at all suggests that human and pokemon genes aren’t that different, which means there’s probably a large percent (in real life, somewhere in the high nineties) are shared. Even assuming magic pokemon crossbreed powers, well, you and a grape share about a fourth DNA, so I’d say 70% overlap would already put us well into the realms of magic.

So say she starts off with 70% similarity to a human. Then you say that for most of the conflicts, her dad’s DNA is expressed, but for some conflicts, her mom’s. That means she’s now somewhere north of 70%. Assuming the eighth refers to that, one-eighth of 30% puts her at about 73-74% identical to a human, genetically.

Interestingly, that’s at odds with her description.

[My body is mostly human shaped, due to my mom having been human, but most of my features are like my dad’s. I have his sharp black claws on my fingertips, his glowing blue eyes, his black markings, his large wings on my back, his talons for my feet, his black, pointed horns, his red and black colors for my long, straight, butt length head feathers, and longer, sharper teeth from my canines and back. I find the sharp teeth to be funny since dad doesn’t actually have teeth, but I suppose I have such pointed teeth due to the mostly carnivorous nature of my father and I. From my mom’s side I got my body shape, with a medium bust, a small waist, wide hips, a large rear end, and a decent height of 5’9. My facial features are slightly reminiscent of my mom, with her high cheekbones and straight nose, but I have deathly pale skin that doesn’t tan, sharper cheekbones, and a more pointed chin.  ]

From this, it sounds like the human genes are calling the shots, because you didn’t want to commit to a non-sexy pokemorph. The stuff you describe here is cosmetic and probably only even kicking in because humans have no genes governing those aspects at all, like whatever eye pigment covers glowing.

Of course, further examination proves she’s been lied to and is clearly the product of deliberate DNA manipulation. Neither Yveltal nor humans possess six limbs, so there’s no framework to attach wings to the back. If it was simply a matter of dominant genes or dominant hormonal cues or whatever, that would’ve won out and successfully transformed the forearm buds into wings rather than human arms and fingers. She’s also managed to get the anomalous human breasts despite the fact Yveltal is a bird, the anomalous human hips despite the fact Yveltal is a bird, and from the sounds of it, she’s got a small human rib cage (with what sounds like only human lungs) rather than the barrel-sized bird one with extra air sacks. She also appears to be outright missing the tail, strangely, despite humans still having the stump so there should’ve been no problem handling Yveltal’s blueprints there. And then of course there’s the teeth. Teeth are terrible for a flyer, so if Yveltal’s DNA was calling the shots, those should be very much gone. If the human DNA won out entirely, she’d just have a bunch of human teeth in there. Most likely, she’d have some middle ground. Instead, she’s got an entirely redesigned set of chompers that just so happen to be what a human would think was necessary for a meat eater (despite the very fact Yveltal lacks them showing how “suppose I have such pointed teeth due to the mostly carnivorous nature of my father and I.” is nonsense.)

So clearly, she’s what happens when a committee takes some human DNA and tries to make it look like a hybrid. The real question is why? Did Yveltal demand it? Is the real reason that ” Unique pokemon appear to have more dominant genes than humans when they have children” because unique pokemon can’t naturally reproduce at all, but they’re also terrifying engines of destruction so when they tell humans they want a kid, humans do it and stuff on extra features to please them?

[like my father, can go into a more human form with no wings, human feet, shorter claws, and hair in place of my head feathers ]

Or I guess they used mew and/or ditto DNA as a base to jam the features into, which might actually be necessary to explain how they could jam things in like this and produce an overall healthy kid, and the hybrids have lost almost all of their transforming ability, leaving them with only the ability to transform enough to wear the boots you think look cool.

[When it comes to my behavior, I am also different from normal humans. As stated before, I am primarily nocturnal. I am generally only up in the morning if I haven’t gone to sleep yet, or if I didn’t feel like sleeping that morning. I sleep less than the average human, only about 4 hours of sleep per day, but I can only sleep well in very dark places like caves. ]

So what you’re saying is she’s not really nocturnal because she’s awake during daylight hours every single day.

[ Along with immortality, daddy gave me]
[most intelligent Pokémon,  ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

For this reason, it should be “Dad”, what with you using that in place of a name.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Okay no this could be awesome.

You know how in some old canons, true vampires can’t make more of themselves, they just produce half-human daughters that have a lot of their powers but are somehow different? Also you know how vampires slot in so well as terrifying aristocracy calling the shots?

So the legendaries are unable to reproduce, but want children, and force humans to make them, resulting in an in-between race between god-king legendaries and mortal humans. Just as with vampires, these children aren’t intended to take over for their parents, what with everyone being immortal, but simply to be the beloved children forever. They run around as carefree vapid bulls in the china shop, like this character, until they realize there’s more going on and/or that wait everyone’s terrified of them because they’re so powerful and maybe they should ask themselves what they ought to actually do with that and plot happens!

And there’s so many variants.

The fact she’s so human opens up the possibility that this wasn’t a request at all but humans did this to try to make the legendaries more sympathetic to humans, or at least less willing to wipe them out. From the sounds of it, she needs human food and clothing, and humans really need to exist for that to keep coming. Did humans do this because the legendaries are murderous assholes, and she realizes that wow, Dad’s evil? Or were humans doing some horrible things and they’ve used her to get a free pass to abuse pokemon and the natural world at large because she’s holding off the system that’s meant to be keeping things under control? Or just going on the idea that destruction/creation’s supposed to be a cycle, maybe humans have screwed it up by averting the destruction sequence with a baby shield.

Or we could go with the mom thing. Maybe legendaries fall in love with humans every hundred or thousand years and ask for children-copies to remember the parent by each time. Maybe they don’t fall in love but pick humans that impress them and demand child hybrids using that person as a base. Or maybe her mom was some awesome trainer who stopped his rampage originally, and they fell in love and married and then she died of old age and he went mad with grief until the survivors shoved a baby hybrid that resembled her at him. Then the question becomes more what do you do with yourself when you were created with no further purpose but have all this power and potential?

Three.

 

7 Comments

  1. illhousen says:
    “Okay no this could be awesome.”

    Exalted themes are always appropriate.




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  2. actonthat says:
    Yikes, that is some purple prose. It’s really, really bad malapropism that’s the main issue– words are just not being used correctly. There’s also a lot of redundancy– “with deliberate intent”, as opposed to all those times people intend to do thing by accident.

    If I had to guess, this is thesaurus syndrome. She’s probably coming up with basic sentences and then subbing out words without paying attention to the actual meanings and connotations of what she’s subbing in, while also adding in synonyms next to each other in an effort to emphasize things. The result is sentences that feel like they should mean something but don’t.

    I’ll go make a post.




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  3. actonthat says:
    You still can’t delete signed reviews, right? I left a pretty long note on that story, and it’s disappeared both from the fic and my review history…

    edit: Nevermind, they nerfed the fic. Why the hell that also removes the post from my review history I don’t know, but it’s really freaking annoying.




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    1. Farla says:
      I don’t think there’s an actual post history, I think it’s dredged from the reviews on stories.



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  4. Negrek says:
    Genes can’t be dominant or recessive, actually. Only a gene’s alleles can be dominant or recessive, and then only in relation to other alleles for that gene. Genes can certainly interact such that the product of one masks the action of another, but that’s not the same as its being dominant.



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    1. Farla says:
      Okay fair but if most of the alleles aren’t matching up for this stuff I’m pretty sure she shouldn’t exist, so I’m left to assume Daddybird’s dominant genes are just a different version of Mom’s that says wings rather than arms rather than literally different genes.

      Given the intense variety of pokemon that are still able to interbreed, and that there’s no canon saying the rest literally can’t rather than aren’t interested, it makes most sense to assume pokemon genetics is just a lot of tweaking one very robust blueprint. All we have to do is assume humans also work off that blueprint and it should work.




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  5. waretaringo says:
    That story snippet about a teenage geologist in pokeland who starts a journey to do field research for her thesis on her own, with only a pokepet for comfort and protection, actually sounds moderately intriguing.



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