Dragon Quill

[“Lysandre is now deathless,”
AZ explained. “I don’t know why, but the Pokemon of Life and
Death have made him immortal. The only reason I can figure is that it
is some sort of punishment, but that’s too extreme, even for him.
I’ve suffered through immortality, and I will forever ]

So it’s not so much “too extreme”
as “exactly what happened last time down to the last detail”.

[“Lysandre…” Sycamore
muttered. “Your life has not only been spared, but forbidden to
die. The Pokemon of Life and Death are not happy with your decisions,
but now is your chance to make everything right again.”

Lysandre held his gaze on Sycamore for
a second before turning to AZ, then staring straight up at the
ceiling. “To make everything right…is what I always wanted.
And I will…I will save this world. All I need is a new approach.”

Sycamore and AZ didn’t know how to feel
about his words]

How about blind terror given this guy’s
track record with “I will save this world” stuff? For that
matter, why aren’t they just focused on getting him into jail? His
new approach is probably to try releasing a plague or something.

You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Trainers
start at ten.

Write
out numbers with letters.

No one needs to see the professor
handing out pokemon, it’s been done thousands of times already.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”

[It used to be that you had to be at
least the age of ten to be licensed to capture and battle Pokemon,
but they raised the age minimum because some kids who neglect their
Pokemon because they were not mature enough. ]

That’s one of the lamer excuses and
doesn’t even brush against the crucial reason this is dumb: we
already saw Ash managing a pokemon journey just fine, seeing someone
five years older doing the same thing is not impressive.

Your grammar is pretty bad, get a beta
reader.

You’re writing in English, so don’t
stick random Japanese words in.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Opening your story with a character
waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and
to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if
I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of
times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some
other, interesting point.

When used in place of a name, it’s
written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it’s
written as such.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”

Look, if you change Ash this much, it’s
an OC, not him. Also, Not-Ash is a terrible sue and there doesn’t
seem to be any point to this but you yelling LOOK HE’S SO SPECIAL
very loudly.

Nonchapter
stories are banned, don’t post them.

You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Don’t
use ” for thoughts. It just looks like your character is talking
to themself.

Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”

Stop
saying “thought amusedly”.

Write
out numbers with letters.

When used in place of a name, it’s
written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it’s
written as such.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks.

You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[The
moonlight shown on it ]

Shone.

Something’s
wrong with your formatting. Halfway through this, everything’s in
italics.

Semicolons
do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when
grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly,
judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable.
If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because
the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look
pretentious.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”

Don’t use stated.

Nonstory
chapters are banned.

Look,
you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right.
You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be
fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to
complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from
fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick
only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.

Why
did you post this twice? What’s wrong with you?

Well,
that was vague and told me nothing much about what the story would
actually be about.

[it’s
stomach ]

“Its” is
possessive, as in “its story”, and “it’s” means
“it is”.

Well, nice bit of
gore there.

[The
fox’s eyes welled up with tears. He knew that the death of his mother
and sister were meaningless. They were just collateral damage to some
plan to kill someone who was already dead. ]

Given
the patterns in media, it’s not a good idea to have the dad be the
super leader, the boy be the inheritor, and the mom and sister there
to die for angst fodder. Just changing the sister to another brother
would help. As would portraying it less as a matter of the man of the
family failing them.

Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”

[That’s
why they burned your home. With them inside. They probably tried to
tell them that he was dead, long gone. But their efforts were
fruitless. The Demon King had no knowledge of his death and as a
result, they thought that your mother and sister were lying to
protect him. ]

See
this is just furthering the problem. Did they have no part in the
fact he was running the rebellion? They didn’t help him do it in the
least? They aren’t even in trouble for harboring him?

And
having his angst brushed off mere paragraphs after it’s introduced is
rather sloppy. Right now it seems totally pointless – he mentions it,
then someone tells him that no wait, not your fault after all, then
it’s done. So why was it there at all?

There
is no punctuation shortage.

Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”

Get a
beta reader, this is a mess.

So,
people are attacking someone, then he transforms into a ravening
monster which apparently they weren’t expecting, thus raising the
question why they were chasing him in the first place.

Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”

Well,
pokemorphs as evil werewolves isn’t something I’ve seen before, but
the hated and feared angle is a pretty overdone one in fandom.

You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Don’t
use ” for thoughts. It just looks like your character is talking
to themself.

Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”

You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Semicolons do not
indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when
grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly,
judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable.
If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because
the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look
pretentious.

Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”

Don’t use random
Japanese.

You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”

This
doesn’t really make sense – unless it’s actively attacking people,
releasing it should be fine. Especially when from what you’ve written
it’s just a matter of not listening when she insists on battling with
it. Killing a pokemon because you can’t win fights with it is really
not sympathetic.

Your
grammar is horrible, get a beta reader.

You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”

This
is all very rushed, and yet despite that there’s still no sign of
actual plot.

Try
harder.

You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

This
is really not so much a story as a pretty boring geography lesson
with too many names and not enough interesting facts.

[When people used
to think of dragons as the myths that haunted the chinese in the
world of Kanto.]

Sentence fragment.
Also, it’s Chinese.

[But
one person growing up to become a legend from the time forsaw by the
pokemon god himself made the dragons arise to glory and used around
the world. ]

Spellcheck
and while this is technically more of a sentence, it doesn’t make too
much sense. You seem to have a very poor grasp of grammar. Find
someone to beta read for you.

[I
swept a veil of sweat from my forehead, wondering, yet again, why I
chose Team Magma over Aqua, despite my intolerance for heat. ]

…and the reason
was? I mean, you say he’s just in this for the money. If he was
cursing himself for not realizing Magma would involve volcano-level
heat specifically, that’d be one thing, but right now you’re raising
a problem without answering it.

Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”

You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[He
seemed to brighten at the thought. “Maybe! But then I’d have to
give up Bester…” He stared sadly at the Pokéball in his hand.
His assigned Pokémon, I guessed. I assumed it was either a Numel or
a Poochyena, since that was pretty much all us Grunts were given. ]

The
only reason he’d have to give up his pokemon is if it doesn’t fit
with Aqua’s theme, since it’s not like defectors are required to hand
in their stuff on the way out the door, which in turn means it should
be obvious which pokemon he must have.

[Even
a Magikarp could splash through a body if they grew to be strong
enough. ]

Given
that splash does nothing no matter what, not the best example.

Write
out numbers with letters.

Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

[And so, it was left for me to care for
his last remaining Pokémon, a Numel. ]

In that case he shouldn’t be wondering
why he picked Magma over Aqua, he should be cursing the fact he
wasn’t left a water type. Also, it doesn’t fit very well – you’re
telling us all about how he’s not into pokemon training and you say
Magma hands out pokemon to their grunts, so…why does he have his
own pokemon and not a handout?

[“Get beat, kid!”

I’m not sure if you meant there to be a
break here or not, but something, even just a … between the two
would be better to indicate a bit of time passing.

And he does have a mightyena? Then
nothing’s stopping him from joining Aqua, they have the same pokemon.

“Its” is possessive, as in
“its story”, and “it’s” means “it is”.

Huh, I thought you were going somewhere
meta with the guy literally being a nameless grunt, but something
else is going on?

Well, it’s nice to see people who
aren’t just setting out on their journey and the main character’s
voice is good.

Trainers
start at ten. The last thing your pokemon trainer fic needs is making
it even more boring by having kids half a decade older go try to deal
with problems ten year olds manage just fine in canon.

You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”