Didn’t get much done, did see some new stuff.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11716536/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Trainer

Hm. Well, there’s some jokes I haven’t heard before here, but it’s mostly rehashing the same basic premise as usual.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11716536/2/Pok%C3%A9mon-Trainer

And I guess now you’re sorta moved away from that but only because now you’re pretty much just novelizing the game with added sueishness to hand him a squirtle.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

Two.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11716566/1/pushing-daisies-through-your-teeth

Depressing!

I’d have liked a bit more grounding – I take it it’s AU given Wally should’ve improved long before May reached Mossdeep, but I’d have liked more. Did he improve a bit from the move but then he went back into decline, in which case the adults are almost definitely lying because they don’t want to admit he’s dying, or did he not improve at all but it’s still possible he might? Neither one is particularly good, I guess I’m just curious which flavor of misery.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11716678/1/Supposedly-We-Bond-When-We-re-Dying

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Steven was silenced at this. They were joking, partly, but that was only to push away the reality of the situation. He felt a rush of guilt; he should be in charge of the situation. People shouldn’t have to resort to depending on such a young Trainer.]

While it makes sense someone would think that, it’s harder to understand how the same person thinking that is the one who, as his friend says, [should be the one stopping it. Instead, you’re guiding a young Trainer through doing just that. ] in the first place.

[ “It’s not your fault, after all. It’s also not your fault that everything worked out this way.”
Steven turned away, looking out over Sootopolis. “I just—feel like I could have done something else to prevent this from going so far.”]

But, didn’t the two of them just say/think how it is his choice and sort of totally his fault therefore and also that he could have done something else?

What’s missing here is his explanation for why letting someone else do it seemed like a good idea. With that, he can be wondering if he made the right choice or if he shouldn’t done things differently. Without that, it just reads like he was too lazy and then is suddenly realizing it while his friend says it’s not his fault just because they’re his friend.

[ He folded his arms and closed his eyes, thinking. “This rain…” He bit his lip. “People and Pokémon need water to live… So why does this rain fill us with so much dread?” ]

Also, dialogue like this sounds incredibly awkward after you open your story stating that he totally knows why this is bad already and doesn’t need vague feelings to help him work out something is going very wrong.

And from there on you have your main character telling us that he’s a pointless third wheel throughout the extended conversations. That should be a clue that there’s something off how you’re arranging this story.

[Steven felt a stab of anger at the mention of the Devon Corporation. Of course Team Aqua had used Devon Corporation intelligence in creating such a piece of technology. That was just another thing Steven felt responsible for… ]

Also given the later surprise revelations regarding Devon, maybe don’t bring it up when really, the murder-tech getting used here is really the least of Devon’s sins and so this is just distracting.

Zero, also did everyone meet and decide we’re to just collectively ignore the soylent poketech thing and never speak of it again?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11716717/1/The-Dark-Frozen-Shard-of-Love

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11716740/1/Pokemon-Crystal-Lyra-s-Adventures-in-Johto

Starting a story with your character waking up is terribly overdone and was boring the first time.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You really don’t need to waste your first chapter on saying the character went to the professor for a pokemon like every other first chapter. Everyone gets it.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11716743/1/Adventure-Time-x2

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

It’s “Johto”. Also, the game opening has been done to death and then a few thousand times beyond that. if you’ve got a plot here, skip to it.

[my Dad ]
[a Pokemon  ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

“Your” is possessive, “you’re” is short for “you are”.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

“It’s” means “it is”. “Its” is the possessive form.

[Seville ]

Look up how pokemon species are spelled.

Zero, also, gaze upon the author’s note that it opens with:
If you have me on Story Alert, then you must be wondering why I haven’t updated The Hunger Games and My Name is Candice O’Brien. And, I’m sorry! I’m working on it! I promise I’m not inactive! But, this was a dare from my friend, and I never back down from a dare. She was supposed to give me an impossible topic to write about and she choose Pokemon…
But as you can see…I have done it!
It really brought me back to my childhood, writing this and I’m happy about that. I’m a lot older now, still a teenager though, so don’t go thinking I’m in my twenties or anything :)
But anyways; she said that if I can finish the story, then I’ve won the dare (and I’ll get $50 :) ), but I actually want to make this a story worth reading, so I’m putting effort into it. So, hopefully, even if you’ve never watched or played Pokemon, you’ll still love my story.

I’m thinking someone’s not getting her fifty bucks.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11716820/1/Pokemon-Learning-League-Weather

Script format: still banned!

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

One, extended crit!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11716956/1/A-Tag-Team-Tournament-of-Friends

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You really need to learn not to write filler. Ask yourself what you’re communicating with a given scene.

Two.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11717032/1/No-Place-Like-Hoenn-Ch1-Pokemon-Fan-Fiction

This shouldn’t be labeled “Ch1” because it’s against the rules to post chapters individually and chapters two onward need to go here as well.

[ His family took precidence in his life so he was unable to embark on the grand journey of becoming a true Pokemon Master at Age 10.  ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Write out numbers with letters.

Spellcheck.

[Nick got loose from Ambrose’s grip, picked up Wingull’s Poke Ball and fled in the crowd, but Ambrose looked almost content with the situation.
“Should you go after him?” Steven asked curiously. “Will everything be okay?”
“No. I believe everything will be better for him soon.” Ambrose looked up into the bright afternoon sky, a slight smile on his face.
“How can you be so sure? How can you trust that?” Steven’s eyes looked up to see a flock of Wingulls pass overhead.
The ship’s intercom buzzed to life with a sharp tone, the Captain’s voice spoke with glee, “We are now in Slateport. Now I will ask everyone return to their rooms to prepare to disembark.”
Ambrose turned to Steven, with a large smile on his face and Steven noticed his eyes, a pair of almost emerald green irises.
“Because he didn’t abandon his partner.”]

What.

Okay, look. If someone is treating another person horribly, it’s not good news that they’re going to keep being with them. That’s like saying, “It’s so great how the guy beating his wife won’t divorce her, that shows everything will be fine and we shouldn’t get involved!” You say that [Steven had never seen someone so passionate about Pokemon before. Living in the city, he encountered his fair share of trainers going to challenge the gym in Prism Square, but he had never seen someone like Ambrose who fought for how they should be treated. ] but what he says shows no consideration for the pokemon, he seems concerned for the fact the trainer’s behavior is holding the trainer back – only with that in mind is there anything to be happy about with him not abandoning the wingull, because it means he hasn’t given up his dream of being a strong trainer and if he keeps plugging away eventually his pokemon might improve.

I keep thinking about that nuzlocke essay talking about how pokemon aren’t people. I mean, yes, that’s definitely one of the underlying assumptions of most pokemon fic, that they’re personlike but not actually deserving of the consideration we’d give people. But while it’s true, it’s appalling and shouldn’t be pandered to any further.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11717068/1/Female-Poke-Master

[Dear Ash,
I am writing to let you know that I have retired as the Princess of Hoenn. I thank you for everything you have done for me but now I want to give Hoenn a try as a trainer. I started my journey last week and I am currently on the outskirts of Rustboro training my pokemon to be strong more than cute. ]

Listen, I’m none too pleased with the whole contest business either, but if you want to get away from it, you’re better off just writing about a girl trainer rather than saying a character totally changed her mind. Go AU and write about a version of May who settled on training instead if making sure it’s still aligned with your ship is vital.

[his Gallade ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

[The now female trainer and her boyfriend left hand in hand to start their journey together as she was pursuing her true dream to be the first female Poke Master. ]

Your writing’s also pretty awkward (she just became female?) and she’s really not the first one – the franchise may not be great about female characters but it’s not that awful.

Three.

Also ugh, going to have to do so much to catch up tomorrow.