Fifteen pages today.
Hm. The setup of this is good but the
Team Flare guy isn’t very convincing. [We’re all very sorry about how
we were going to go about our goal. ]? Everyone seemed pretty
enthusiastic about it right up until the moment it was stopped by
force and then exploded so they couldn’t try again. You need more
explanation for any change of mind – even just, “After Lysandre
disappeared I realized that…” would be an improvement. Also,
none of the grunts ever seemed particularly concerned with Lysandre’s
overpopulation woes but just in getting more for themselves.
Team Flare guy isn’t very convincing. [We’re all very sorry about how
we were going to go about our goal. ]? Everyone seemed pretty
enthusiastic about it right up until the moment it was stopped by
force and then exploded so they couldn’t try again. You need more
explanation for any change of mind – even just, “After Lysandre
disappeared I realized that…” would be an improvement. Also,
none of the grunts ever seemed particularly concerned with Lysandre’s
overpopulation woes but just in getting more for themselves.
(1)
Okay, so this idiot ditched school on
the day of exams and they’re nice enough to let him come and make
those up and he’s bitching about it? And then he spends the time
playing pokemon and bitching about that? And also this little asshole
wears a joybuzzer? I really could not care less about his problems by
this point.
the day of exams and they’re nice enough to let him come and make
those up and he’s bitching about it? And then he spends the time
playing pokemon and bitching about that? And also this little asshole
wears a joybuzzer? I really could not care less about his problems by
this point.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
Get a beta reader, this is a mess.
(1)
“Silver looks back upon how her
life has changed since she started her journey and how Mistic
(femMisty) had affected it in more then just one way. (Genderswap)
(One-shot) (Misty x Silver) “
life has changed since she started her journey and how Mistic
(femMisty) had affected it in more then just one way. (Genderswap)
(One-shot) (Misty x Silver) “
WTF, people.
No,
blood is not blue. Look it up.
blood is not blue. Look it up.
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Like
so many other attempts at this, this reads as original fiction with
humans who are mysteriously named after legendary pokemon.
so many other attempts at this, this reads as original fiction with
humans who are mysteriously named after legendary pokemon.
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[He
was a mischief ]
was a mischief ]
He was
mischievous.
mischievous.
[Though
Hana was sure it wasn’t entirely his fault. He was bored with the
school environment and he wanted nothing else but fun. He even made
sure that he didn’t violate any school regulations or rules. ]
Hana was sure it wasn’t entirely his fault. He was bored with the
school environment and he wanted nothing else but fun. He even made
sure that he didn’t violate any school regulations or rules. ]
So it
was entirely his fault then. Also, pretty sure playing games in class
would be against the rules.
was entirely his fault then. Also, pretty sure playing games in class
would be against the rules.
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Okay,
all I’m seeing is some brat being an entitled brat. This really has
nothing to do with pokemon and isn’t engaging as a story either.
all I’m seeing is some brat being an entitled brat. This really has
nothing to do with pokemon and isn’t engaging as a story either.
(0)
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Paragraphing
has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is
not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker
means you start a new paragraph.
has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is
not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker
means you start a new paragraph.
Get a
beta reader.
beta reader.
(1)
Don’t
open your story with a list of characters. Introduce them as they
show up.
open your story with a list of characters. Introduce them as they
show up.
When
used in place of a name, it’s written Mom, in any other constructions
like my/her/the mom it’s written as such.
used in place of a name, it’s written Mom, in any other constructions
like my/her/the mom it’s written as such.
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
(0)
[Well
that and her hair, honestly she didn’t understand why she couldn’t
just cut it. ]
that and her hair, honestly she didn’t understand why she couldn’t
just cut it. ]
And
why can’t she just cut it? Do you mean, say, her parents refuse to
cut it?
why can’t she just cut it? Do you mean, say, her parents refuse to
cut it?
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Don’t
use stated.
use stated.
Write
out numbers with letters.
out numbers with letters.
[~Two year time skip~
The twelve year old was roughly shoved
to the ground by the regular school bullies.]
to the ground by the regular school bullies.]
Generally, better to write it as [Two
years later, the twelve year old…] Also, the bullies shoving to the
ground is just so cliché.
years later, the twelve year old…] Also, the bullies shoving to the
ground is just so cliché.
[She looked up to find a tall man with
cold blue eyes (I took a guess. He didn’t appear in the anime so I
didn’t know) ]
cold blue eyes (I took a guess. He didn’t appear in the anime so I
didn’t know) ]
Never put author’s notes in your story.
I will admit that Team Aqua are not the
brightest bunch but grabbing anyone who comes in the vicinity of
their base while loudly yelling about it being their base and then
dragging them into the base so they see it is pretty stupid even for
them. And it makes all the time you spent setting up her love of
water pointless if the real reason she joins is because these idiots
figure the best way to not get caught is to tell her she’s a member
now, while making her look like an idiot and a sociopath that the
only thing that bugs her is if she can’t go home she can’t get her
ipod oh noooooooooo.
brightest bunch but grabbing anyone who comes in the vicinity of
their base while loudly yelling about it being their base and then
dragging them into the base so they see it is pretty stupid even for
them. And it makes all the time you spent setting up her love of
water pointless if the real reason she joins is because these idiots
figure the best way to not get caught is to tell her she’s a member
now, while making her look like an idiot and a sociopath that the
only thing that bugs her is if she can’t go home she can’t get her
ipod oh noooooooooo.
Also your grammar is generally
terrible. Proofread better and get a beta reader.
terrible. Proofread better and get a beta reader.
Look,
you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right.
You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be
fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to
complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from
fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick
only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.
you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right.
You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be
fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to
complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from
fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick
only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.
(0)
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Well,
this is an old plot but you execute it quite well.
this is an old plot but you execute it quite well.
(0)
Semicolons do not
indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when
grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly,
judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable.
If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because
the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look
pretentious.
indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when
grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly,
judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable.
If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because
the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look
pretentious.
[His mother always
got pissy when he slammed the front door; she said it made her
(seemingly ever-present) migraine worse. Like hell. With a
half-hearted sigh, he shoved his hands into his pockets and began the
trek down Route 201 to Professor Rowan’s lab, eager to get away from
the house and his nagging mother. ]
got pissy when he slammed the front door; she said it made her
(seemingly ever-present) migraine worse. Like hell. With a
half-hearted sigh, he shoved his hands into his pockets and began the
trek down Route 201 to Professor Rowan’s lab, eager to get away from
the house and his nagging mother. ]
First paragraph
and I’m already hating your character. Migraines are debilitating and
anyone who has a shred of empathy would avoid making them worse
instead of bitching about it and only doing it because he doesn’t
want to get yelled at.
and I’m already hating your character. Migraines are debilitating and
anyone who has a shred of empathy would avoid making them worse
instead of bitching about it and only doing it because he doesn’t
want to get yelled at.
If the idea is
that his mom doesn’t really have migraines and is just using it as an
excuse, that’s really something to carefully show rather than jumping
straight to another character belittling the very idea.
that his mom doesn’t really have migraines and is just using it as an
excuse, that’s really something to carefully show rather than jumping
straight to another character belittling the very idea.
Also, seriously,
what sort of asshole believes it’s an inalienable right to slam
doors? The rest of human society manages to close doors normally just
because that’s what you’re supposed to do.
what sort of asshole believes it’s an inalienable right to slam
doors? The rest of human society manages to close doors normally just
because that’s what you’re supposed to do.
[He
had never understood why the boys and girls who lived in Twinleaf
Town always received special, rare Pokemon]
had never understood why the boys and girls who lived in Twinleaf
Town always received special, rare Pokemon]
…it doesn’t actually work like this.
In the games, getting a pokemon is clearly not any established
tradition, and you tend to get them by chance or because the
professor wants you to do his fieldwork while you’re still young
enough to know to ask for a wage.
In the games, getting a pokemon is clearly not any established
tradition, and you tend to get them by chance or because the
professor wants you to do his fieldwork while you’re still young
enough to know to ask for a wage.
This really sounds like you’re grasping
for anything at all you can make him be holier than thou about.
for anything at all you can make him be holier than thou about.
…………and then comes the other
character complaining about the unfairness of trying to do a job
that’s supposed to be managing pokemon by using his own inferior
human muscles. I think I’m going to just stop here before the next
character yells at the ocean for the fact he can’t breathe
underwater.
character complaining about the unfairness of trying to do a job
that’s supposed to be managing pokemon by using his own inferior
human muscles. I think I’m going to just stop here before the next
character yells at the ocean for the fact he can’t breathe
underwater.
(0)
Stop capitalizing random words.
Not all dialogue needs adverbs
attached.
attached.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
There is an amazing amount of chatter
in this that goes nowhere. If you have a plot, your story should be
starting there. If you don’t, you don’t have a story.
in this that goes nowhere. If you have a plot, your story should be
starting there. If you don’t, you don’t have a story.
(2)
Your
grammar is atrocious. Try harder. And don’t ask for OCs.
grammar is atrocious. Try harder. And don’t ask for OCs.
(7. Six are from the same person.)
Well
that sure was some word salad.
that sure was some word salad.
Just
because creepypasta are anonymous doesn’t mean you should be posting
it under your own name.
because creepypasta are anonymous doesn’t mean you should be posting
it under your own name.
Especially
when it’s a shitty troll one that you could have done your own
version of within five minutes.
when it’s a shitty troll one that you could have done your own
version of within five minutes.
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“So,
let’s go register,” I say walking forward.
let’s go register,” I say walking forward.
“I don’t wanna,” Tommy groans.
“Man up and let’s go,” I say looking at him. “If I
had to dissect the Sharpedo for you, the least you can do is follow
me. The sooner we register, the sooner we can be lazy.”
“I’m ready!” He shouts following me.
We register and get our schedules and all that orientation crap.
Now we go to our dorm rooms and unpack.]
People
talking about boring things isn’t particularly interesting. Instead
of writing this boring chapter, you should have asked yourself what
the interesting part of your story was, and then started the story
there.
talking about boring things isn’t particularly interesting. Instead
of writing this boring chapter, you should have asked yourself what
the interesting part of your story was, and then started the story
there.
(0)
You really don’t
need to show people getting a letter inviting them to a tournament,
let alone show it over and over again. Just have them at the
tournament. I promise you, people are not such idiots that they’ll be
confused by this.
need to show people getting a letter inviting them to a tournament,
let alone show it over and over again. Just have them at the
tournament. I promise you, people are not such idiots that they’ll be
confused by this.
(1)
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Semicolons do not
indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when
grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly,
judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable.
If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because
the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look
pretentious.
indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when
grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly,
judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable.
If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because
the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look
pretentious.
Look, if you hate everything about the
anime so much, don’t write about it. There’s nothing more tedious
than a list of all your complaints with the storyline pretending to
be a fic. All you’re doing is making Ash look like an asshole too.
anime so much, don’t write about it. There’s nothing more tedious
than a list of all your complaints with the storyline pretending to
be a fic. All you’re doing is making Ash look like an asshole too.
(10)
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[The
Main Character, an Original Character replacing Serena, is named
Taylor. Her hair is reddish-brown in colour. Her eyes are blue. She
doesn’t like strangers. She likes to brag about being better to
pretty much anyone. She will often lie to escape unfavourable
situations. She does not like hugs or really any physical contact
that is not a hand shake. She likes the colours red and green. She
favours flying and grass-type Pokemon. ]
Main Character, an Original Character replacing Serena, is named
Taylor. Her hair is reddish-brown in colour. Her eyes are blue. She
doesn’t like strangers. She likes to brag about being better to
pretty much anyone. She will often lie to escape unfavourable
situations. She does not like hugs or really any physical contact
that is not a hand shake. She likes the colours red and green. She
favours flying and grass-type Pokemon. ]
The
point of a story is to actually show your character. Either this is
in your story and you’re wasting everyone’s time with this, or it’s
not and you have bigger problems.
point of a story is to actually show your character. Either this is
in your story and you’re wasting everyone’s time with this, or it’s
not and you have bigger problems.
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Semicolons
do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when
grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly,
judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable.
If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because
the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look
pretentious.
do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when
grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly,
judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable.
If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because
the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look
pretentious.
Everyone already knows the standard
opening, and having your character be annoyed doesn’t actually make
it more interesting.
opening, and having your character be annoyed doesn’t actually make
it more interesting.
Pokemon who can talk tend to lead to
bad writing. Having them just be there to be dumb and cheerlead
always does.
bad writing. Having them just be there to be dumb and cheerlead
always does.
(1)
Huh. This reads like an imageboard
quest.
quest.
[I do feel a bit guilty about how
brutal I’m being, but when I look at these… Things. I don’t see
people. It’s weird, and were I not stuck in this messed up world it’d
be something to seek help about I’m sure, but somewhere in whatever
programming I got coming into this ‘game’ I just know that these
things aren’t human anymore, and can’t be saved. ]
brutal I’m being, but when I look at these… Things. I don’t see
people. It’s weird, and were I not stuck in this messed up world it’d
be something to seek help about I’m sure, but somewhere in whatever
programming I got coming into this ‘game’ I just know that these
things aren’t human anymore, and can’t be saved. ]
That’s pretty lame.
So far he’s acting like a player in a
game – he’s going after them because they’re sacks of experience
points, even though they weren’t doing anything harmful this time.
This even all starts because he’s more interested in chasing an
attacker than tending to someone wounded. And it’s not like he has
real ethics given he doesn’t try to tell the helpful rescue NPCs
everything he knows. He’s very obviously just playing a game, so why
try to paste on a justification here?
game – he’s going after them because they’re sacks of experience
points, even though they weren’t doing anything harmful this time.
This even all starts because he’s more interested in chasing an
attacker than tending to someone wounded. And it’s not like he has
real ethics given he doesn’t try to tell the helpful rescue NPCs
everything he knows. He’s very obviously just playing a game, so why
try to paste on a justification here?
Well, this is definitely something
different – you balance the real/game thing pretty well, and it’s
nice to see someone trying to minmax getting affected by the more
social stats. But it’s disappointing if you’re not planning on
addressing the moral side of things – why bother having killing be a
part of the story at all in that case?
different – you balance the real/game thing pretty well, and it’s
nice to see someone trying to minmax getting affected by the more
social stats. But it’s disappointing if you’re not planning on
addressing the moral side of things – why bother having killing be a
part of the story at all in that case?
(0)
Hm. This seems interesting but it’s
really hard to read. You need to use paragraphs and proofread – among
other things, the trainer’s gender changes.
really hard to read. You need to use paragraphs and proofread – among
other things, the trainer’s gender changes.
(0)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
Speaking of dialogue, you have way too
much in this story. If something doesn’t serve any point, cut it out.
much in this story. If something doesn’t serve any point, cut it out.
(1)
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Your prose is somewhat purple and seems
to be trying to use as many words as you can rather than focusing on
what’s actually the best way of saying something.
to be trying to use as many words as you can rather than focusing on
what’s actually the best way of saying something.
Also, this doesn’t really go anywhere –
there aren’t any clues why N is picked or how Ghetsis knows this is a
good idea or even if he knew N was there at the time.
there aren’t any clues why N is picked or how Ghetsis knows this is a
good idea or even if he knew N was there at the time.
(0)
Try harder.
(0)
There are seven thousand stories just
on this site in this category with “pokemon” in their
title. “New” features in another thousand. There are over
four hundred “chronicles”, more if you include
misspellings, even more with “begins” and “beginning”,
and even more “Character Name”‘s whatever. There are
almost eight hundred with “legend”. There are fourteen
hundred with “journey”, twelve hundred with “story”,
almost three hundred with “quest”, and two thousand with
“adventure”. The different region names appear another
thousand or two times. “Saga”, “region” and
“champion” come in around two hundred. In sum, you should
try to choose an original title that has to do with your story in
particular, not something that indicates it’s yet another story about
a pokemon trainer.
on this site in this category with “pokemon” in their
title. “New” features in another thousand. There are over
four hundred “chronicles”, more if you include
misspellings, even more with “begins” and “beginning”,
and even more “Character Name”‘s whatever. There are
almost eight hundred with “legend”. There are fourteen
hundred with “journey”, twelve hundred with “story”,
almost three hundred with “quest”, and two thousand with
“adventure”. The different region names appear another
thousand or two times. “Saga”, “region” and
“champion” come in around two hundred. In sum, you should
try to choose an original title that has to do with your story in
particular, not something that indicates it’s yet another story about
a pokemon trainer.
Run spellcheck.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
Your grammar is awful. Get a beta
reader.
reader.
(1. Quoted for posterity:
pokestets23
chapter 1 . Jan 6
chapter 1 . Jan 6
Not trying to be harsh, but this needs
serious work. Before updating a new chapter, I suggest you completely
edit the first chapter to make it more readable.1. Tiny
errors are what makes this a nightmare to a reader.
a) Start
every new sentence with a capital letter.
b) Split
run-on sentences up using semi-colons, FANBOYS, etc (basic
English Grammar)
c) Last names are always capitalized as well as
first names.
2. Every time a new person talks should be a new
paragraph. You had three characters talking in one paragraph.
3.
Let Colton’s senses and experiences tell the story- what he sees,
hears, etc.
4. It’s too crowded. Slow things up, put more
description in, develop personality of Colton and Mudkip (other
characters too) by adding in more stuff.
serious work. Before updating a new chapter, I suggest you completely
edit the first chapter to make it more readable.1. Tiny
errors are what makes this a nightmare to a reader.
a) Start
every new sentence with a capital letter.
b) Split
run-on sentences up using semi-colons, FANBOYS, etc (basic
English Grammar)
c) Last names are always capitalized as well as
first names.
2. Every time a new person talks should be a new
paragraph. You had three characters talking in one paragraph.
3.
Let Colton’s senses and experiences tell the story- what he sees,
hears, etc.
4. It’s too crowded. Slow things up, put more
description in, develop personality of Colton and Mudkip (other
characters too) by adding in more stuff.
The way you have
written this makes it seem long, but it really is not. You’re using
too much to describe a little. Spread things out. Describe the little
stuff better and expand on the more important stuff. Break things
apart. Each one of your paragraphs could easily be 3 or 4 smaller
ones, which are easier to read.
This story has much
potential, and this is actually a great start. Most young writers
like yourself, and myself at one point in time, do much worse. You
have to get the used to the flow of writing. Good luck, and PM me
with any questions.
(God dammit, where’s a genocidal
madman and his doom laser when you need one?)
madman and his doom laser when you need one?)
I am really not seeing what made any of
this seem like a good idea. You’re taking the grimdark version and
then removing that by having the entire fic’s world be a lame joke
while describing the Nuzlocke rules literally (and not even the
properly punishing version, just the one where you box the fainted
ones).
this seem like a good idea. You’re taking the grimdark version and
then removing that by having the entire fic’s world be a lame joke
while describing the Nuzlocke rules literally (and not even the
properly punishing version, just the one where you box the fainted
ones).
(1)
[“New day,” she mumbled and
stretched her body out “New year.” ]
stretched her body out “New year.” ]
If you’re breaking up two complete
sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not
“Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not
“Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Okay, the list thing is cute and makes
for a good quirk but it’d work a lot better with her writing her
resolutions as she screws up than her somehow having a perfectly
ordered list of everything she was going to screw up.
for a good quirk but it’d work a lot better with her writing her
resolutions as she screws up than her somehow having a perfectly
ordered list of everything she was going to screw up.
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Don’t delete and repost.
Hm. Well, that’s different but
dubiously pokemony. I did like [I quickly check myself to make sure
I’m still okay. “Two arms, two legs, two eyes…” I shake
my head slowly. “And one set of jaws on the back of my head.”
I let out a relaxing sigh. “It was just a dream.” ] but
really everyone seems like humans in costumes at this point. And you
don’t really explain enough for the missing-kids hook to bite that
deep.
dubiously pokemony. I did like [I quickly check myself to make sure
I’m still okay. “Two arms, two legs, two eyes…” I shake
my head slowly. “And one set of jaws on the back of my head.”
I let out a relaxing sigh. “It was just a dream.” ] but
really everyone seems like humans in costumes at this point. And you
don’t really explain enough for the missing-kids hook to bite that
deep.
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When used in place of a name, it’s
written Dad, in any other constructions like my/her/the dad it’s
written as such.
written Dad, in any other constructions like my/her/the dad it’s
written as such.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
Speaking of, you have far too much
dialogue for so little narration. Trim out the dialogue that’s just
chatter and spend more time describing the surroundings.
dialogue for so little narration. Trim out the dialogue that’s just
chatter and spend more time describing the surroundings.
You also have a lot of typos. Proofread
better.
better.
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You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
Thoughts follow the same
capitalization/punctuation rules.
capitalization/punctuation rules.
This is far too short for a chapter.
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You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“Who goes there?” she
yelled, before a snarl responded. She turned, and nearly dropped her
bone in fear. A Houndoom stood in front of her, teeth bared and
nostrils steaming. Ground-type she may be, but a Houndoom didn’t have
to cook her to eat her… or her baby. ]
yelled, before a snarl responded. She turned, and nearly dropped her
bone in fear. A Houndoom stood in front of her, teeth bared and
nostrils steaming. Ground-type she may be, but a Houndoom didn’t have
to cook her to eat her… or her baby. ]
…no, but it’s weak to her attacks
like any other fire type. If you wanted something a ground type would
be afraid of, a pokemon that’s not a glass canon with a type
disadvantage would be a better pick.
like any other fire type. If you wanted something a ground type would
be afraid of, a pokemon that’s not a glass canon with a type
disadvantage would be a better pick.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
Cubone are actually supposed to be
wearing the skull of their mother. Which also hides their faces
completely.
wearing the skull of their mother. Which also hides their faces
completely.
Write out numbers with letters.
You really don’t need to open your
story explaining exactly how your characters look.
story explaining exactly how your characters look.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
Don’t label scene changes, it should be
clear from context.
clear from context.
Don’t use random Japanese.
Do you have a plot? Your story should
really be focused on that and not them wandering around aimlessly
chattering with other boring characters.
really be focused on that and not them wandering around aimlessly
chattering with other boring characters.
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Evil
selfish bitch mom who doesn’t even care about her kids is really not
a good way to open your story.
selfish bitch mom who doesn’t even care about her kids is really not
a good way to open your story.
[Mine
are blue, like the dark of a midnight with no moon. My iris color is
statistically impossible- my father’s side of the family have had
brown eyes for as far back as you can track family trees. Mom-
whoops, Reese- told me the same story about her family. ]
are blue, like the dark of a midnight with no moon. My iris color is
statistically impossible- my father’s side of the family have had
brown eyes for as far back as you can track family trees. Mom-
whoops, Reese- told me the same story about her family. ]
Nope,
recessive traits can do that just fine.
recessive traits can do that just fine.
[“What
about Matt? I know he’s your and Reece’s kid,” I said. “There’s
gonna be a custody war over this, isn’t there?”
about Matt? I know he’s your and Reece’s kid,” I said. “There’s
gonna be a custody war over this, isn’t there?”
He nodded. “Yeah, and knowing Reese, this isn’t gonna be
pretty. You’ll probably be called upon as a witness, since you saw
what just happened.”
“Anything to make sure that Matt stays with you. There’s no
way I’m letting him be shipped off to Almia.]
So,
not satisfied with her merely being the evil selfish bitch mom who
doesn’t even care about her kids you already portrayed, you’ve
already forgotten that she doesn’t want the kids (to show how evil
she is) so you can have her be evil by planning an evil custody
battle.
not satisfied with her merely being the evil selfish bitch mom who
doesn’t even care about her kids you already portrayed, you’ve
already forgotten that she doesn’t want the kids (to show how evil
she is) so you can have her be evil by planning an evil custody
battle.
I’m
just going to quit now.
just going to quit now.
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You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Storywise,
that was nicely done – well set up with a satisfying ending.
that was nicely done – well set up with a satisfying ending.
(1)
Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he
said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said
or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Stop
capitalizing random words.
capitalizing random words.
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This
is a summary, not a story.
is a summary, not a story.
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And on that note we finish the 5th.
Thanks for calling out “migraines, lol” guy. I saw red for a moment up there.
I’m hoping they’re not speaking from life but just from pop culture osmosis that headaches are things women lie about having. It’s only relatively shit that way.