Another weird one where pokemon can talk but just use this to explain how their master is the best ever as proven by their master showing no real consideration for them.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11717102/1/Meeting-the-Parents
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Zero reviews, despite being all the way back on Jan 6th right now.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11717138/1/Glasses-Studying
[ “Oh, right,” she laughed nervously. ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Three, presumably because it was basically OCs talking about studying and therefore super relatable while still counting as the correct ship.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11717207/1/Pretty-Good
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[ since mom ]
Remember, if you’re using something as someone’s name, it’s capitalized.
Three, again with people talking about school. Shipfic where the characters mention school stuff = three reviews? Someone test this.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11717230/1/The-Battle-for-Sinnoh
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[“What do you mean a population problem, Elm.” Elm responded, “The cities and area of Johto are getting even more crowded by the day, we need to expand outside of Johto and many of the people in in Johto agree with this.” ]
Okay no, that’s not quite how wars work.
Literally lacking space should just make people start immigrating, not waging war. Warfare is for when you’re running out of necessary resources, not just feeling cramped.
Also, people don’t directly jump from “I need a thing” to “wartimez nao”. Society will shift in response to the stress and create a more xenophobic, selfish people who’ll agree with whatever surface justification is used for the war. You don’t just flat out say you’re spilling blood over oil.
They’re Canadian so maybe they just didn’t notice the part where this is what their psychotic neighbor country has been doing for the last decade and a half.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11717550/1/The-Eevee-Who-Befriends-Darkness
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
You need to plot things out better. The usual thing where one kid is beating on another because he’s jealous makes absolutely no sense when the jealousy is over the first kid being an awesome fighter. Like seriously, picture two kids taking karate. The first kid is jealous because the teacher praised the second for being able to beat up everyone in the class. Does it make sense the first kid would try to beat up the second or does that sound suicidally stupid?
Then you say that there’s still tension because super-fighter kid doesn’t like actually hurting people (but just happens so be incredibly great at fighting despite how little practice he should be getting), except that no wait, he’s the sort of person who “doesn’t like hurting” people unless they do anything to annoy him in which case he totally will, otherwise known as a person who is totally fine hurting people.
At which point the idiot is terrified, which is an understandable reaction but just underlines how it makes no sense he’d provoke someone who can kick his ass, and then suddenly they make up, and then suddenly it turns out that idiot provoking eevee is also an outcast with no friends due to tragic backstory prejudice except not the sort of outcast and prejudice where the main character knows about it…
And then we switch POVs just to be even more annoying.
Think about what you’re writing. Events have to follow logically and people’s behavior should make sense.
Two.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11717663/1/WELCOME
This isn’t a forum, you’re not supposed to put an introduction post up.
Two.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11717709/1/Rurouni-Mashiro
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Okay, this would appear to just be the story of how someone with no work ethic or even interest in battling did a whole lot of battling and won anyway all while babbling away pretentiously about a bunch of random trivia. It’s halfway through and the writing style is making me question the choices that led me here, so I’m out.
Zero. Also, what’s with the character type of ordinary person is somehow super talented by pure luck and crushes all those peons who actually care about this while yawning?
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11717874/1/New-Beginnings-A-Pokemon-Journey
There’s about two hundred fics with a title of “New Beginnings” and five hundred “Pokemon Journey” ones. Your OT fic’s title is about as meaningful as having a spooky story titled “Horror”. If you’ve got any point to this beyond that there’s a trainer, your title should reflect that.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[“Look, there’s a Ralts. Do you want to catch that one?” the middle one asked the smallest, pointing to me.
…
“…Yeah, sure,” the small one shrugged after a moment.]
[There was also a warm, fuzzy sense inside of the sphere. Somehow, I knew it came from the smallest human. The feeling told me that the small human wanted to be friends. It, no, she, I learned from the feeling, was warm and kind, and would treat me well. ]
So is this terrible writing or are you going with the super dystopian pokeballs brainwashing their occupants idea?
[“We’re moving to another region tonight. I’m sorry to take you away from your home all of a sudden…” Mistress frowned, rubbing my head sadly. ]
But not sorry enough to have done something like just said hi to the ralts and asked if it wanted to go rather than attacking it on sight and then catching it. But it’s okay, because the ralts Just Knows she’s nice despite how terrible she’s treating it.
I am really not sure what you were thinking with any of this. You’re writing from the ralts’ viewpoint, but it has no personality because all it does is say it loves this person who it just met and that it doesn’t know anything about the world, all while it’s still injured from the original attack because why would Mistress Most Kind Human Ever bother to take a few seconds to heal her brand-new pokemon?
It’s not like pokemon as mindless cheerleaders to praise your OC for breathing is good normally, but at least normally the empty praise generators aren’t the entire focus of the fic.
One.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
It’s “okay”, four letters.
[a Legendary Pokémon, ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11718025/1/Wraiths
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
One.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11718305/1/Pokemon-Broken-Moon
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Even as Team Corona has enslaved the region of Islaa in a militaristic dictatorship, even their cruel hand hasn’t touched the uncharted forests south of Gearbreeze Town, my hometown. ]
You really shouldn’t have “even” twice in a sentence like that, and definitely not when the second one just serves to screw up the grammar of the whole thing.
[Gearbreeze has long had a factory in it, which made various medical supplies, Potions, Antidotes, et cetera. I’m sitting in a small clearing surrounded by trees with a small pond in the middle, with water as clear as glass. It’s a truly beautiful sight at night, and the stargazing is wonderful from here. ]
Also you really need to work on your transitions. What do these things have to do with each other?
[She’s wearing her usual clothes- a pink tank-top, with black shorts, ]
People usually wear more than one outfit.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[He’s quite serious, and earned great grades in school before Team Corona sent me and Luca off last year to work in the factory, forcing him to make medicine that would heal Pokemon after they had been wounded fighting each other. Luca hates his job, needless to say. ]
That’s a really forced attempt to make medicine seem evil, especially when you could just say it’s a pokeball factory churning out ultraballs or even masterballs so their evil enemy team masters can catch lots more pokemon to abuse.
Write out numbers with letters.
It’s generally a better idea to actually have characters doing things rather than having the narrator just list off their personality traits.
[About twenty years ago, a group who called themselves Team Corona turned rogue out of the Islaa Police Force, called themselves a separate organization, and murdered every last member of the IPF in cold blood. Since, there has been no one to stop Team Corona from enslaving the region in a dictatorship]
What sort of weirdo pokemon region is this where the police are the only people capable of doing anything?
Ah, and now there’s the obligatory three starters but they’re super extra special, despite the fact you’d think that maybe getting a pokemon years ago would’ve been more productive than holding out for the most specialest ones and it’s incredibly weird Juliana spent her valuable time making sure their super special pokemon were also the standard starter types.
“It’s” means “it is”. “Its” is the possessive form.
Ah, and now the total newbies are beating everybody because they’re sues and why should they need to actually know what they’re doing.
[“Flight. You didn’t just kill Ferrince,” he said, strangely calmly. “You completely burned his soul away from his body. I guess that’s the power of Nightnova. Come on, no time to dawdle. Your mother’s in there.” Eve ran towards us, happy-looking.
“Saving your mother will be a breeze! Let’s go!]
And of course this will be done by murdering the immortal souls of the innocent pokemon their enemies use and not so much as ruffling a hair on the head of the actual bad guys.
One, detailed crit.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11718344/1/A-Winter-Holiday
Hm.
[This is my first attempt at a Pokémon anime fic ]
This reads a lot like an episode, including the flaws of one.
The show has to be a certain length, and that often means using filler to eat up time. But that’s because they have a purpose to doing it, not because filler is inherently a good thing.
You spend a lot of time here on set up – a scene that just establishes that they’re cold, then a scene that just establishes they’re going to enter a cabin, then a scene just saying that they’re going to hang out in the cabin. You’re using a lot of words to tell the reader very little – if you’d just started the story with them at the cabin having a short vacation, do you really think people would be baffled and saying that no, you needed that scene of them walking there?
Your core story is supposed to be about Ash and Iris, but most of your scenes don’t actually tell us anything about them. You either need to work their issues into the rest of the scenes or pare down the scenes to just the bits you have that matter, like the bit where they run into trouble in the snow that leads to Iris later having doubts about her ability as a trainer.
Zero.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11718466/1/The-Fire-Flower-Mysteries-in-Shadows
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Look, if the girl’s going to wake up without any memory, you don’t need to waste people’s time with her getting woken up to be asked about the quiz and then refuse to do it, because none of that will matter in the story itself. The only possible purpose could be dramatic irony – if you revealed something important about her character here that she wouldn’t be aware of later when she’s trying to figure out who she was, but you don’t, you just have the standard “it’s funny if I make the character shout about how this is dumb, right? right? right???” bit.
[What is happening to Rose? (You know) ]
Yes, and that’s why it was totally pointless to include. If you know we know, why are you deliberately writing badly?
Three.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11718573/1/Ash-and-Serena-s-Love-Poems
I don’t like poetry.
Seems this is shared because zero reviews.