Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”

The getting beat up and evil mean
popular girls is all very, very cliché. There’s other ways you can
show someone’s a social pariah.

And she’s a princess. With a special
necklace. As explained by Mewtwo. Google mary sue.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Write out numbers with letters.

I really don’t see why you’re saying
this story is about Ash when the setting in general and their
backgrounds in particular are so different. Just write OCs if that’s
what you want.

Write out numbers with letters.

Stop capitalizing random words.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

If your story is about the events of a
tournament, you don’t need to waste the first chapter on saying the
character arrived at the tournament and then listing all the other
characters. Just start the tournament.

[the rock Pokemon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

The bit with the boulder is unclear –
why would a ninja frog mean knowing if a boulder was blocking a cave
or not? It seems it’d make a lot more sense to push a rock to create
a hollow and actually use it as part of what’s blocking the rain. Or
at the least to say the boulder was only partly blocking the cave, so
the mouth of it was still visible.

Anyway, this was nicely done. I
particularly like the idea of a stolen pokemon actually doing
something about that on its own, and the friendship between the two
was very sweet.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

You really need more of a plot than
very briefly summarizing the opening of the game everyone’s already
played.

This is a nice
enough bit of introspection but…

[But
really, that was just the trickling of red tears from his wrists]

That’s
just gratuitous. You express he’s miserable well enough without
dipping into that hackneyed barrel.

You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she
said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she
said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said.
The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a
speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She
grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,”
She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because
it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like
laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re
breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said.
“This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is
it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

Don’t use ”
for thoughts. It just looks like your character is talking to
themself.

Trainers start at
ten.

You wouldn’t
capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize
words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should
capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s
pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when
it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar
reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of
capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she
said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she
said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said.
The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a
speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She
grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,”
She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because
it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like
laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re
breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said.
“This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is
it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

You really don’t
need to have all Oak’s dialogue from the games. A line or two would
do it. You also need to work on having a lot more narration- right
now, it feels like you’re trying to write a story by having everyone
say what’s going on.

Write
out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.

Your grammar is terrible. Get a beta
reader.

Hm. On the one hand, I guess it’s more
original to take the song and go in a different direction with it. On
the other hand, a lot of Frozen is the simple songs having extra
weight because of a juxtaposition between the song and the actual
situation. What you have now is just that Mew wants to play, Mewtwo
wants to sulk and ignore Mew, which is exactly what the song says on
its face, so there’s nothing really added by sticking narration
around it describing what’s happening.

[any Pokémon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Nonstory chapters are banned, and
posting lists of characters would be a waste of everyone’s time
regardless.

This
place is for posting actual stories, not status updates.

You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Hm.
Well, it’s nice to have a story starting after the character’s beaten
the evil team and the champion. But the chatter between your
characters here is a lot of talking with very little actual
information. We already know the kid’s strong, so having them spend
half the chapter recapping the fact is excessive, and otherwise they
seem to be doing their best to spend as many words as possible to be
as vague as they can. I’m assuming you mean for them to stay
mysterious, but that could have been much more easily accomplished by
just not spending so many lines on them.

There
are seven thousand stories just on this site in this category with
“pokemon” in their title. “New” features in
another thousand. There are over four hundred “chronicles”,
more if you include misspellings, even more with “begins”
and “beginning”, and even more “Character Name”‘s
whatever. There are almost eight hundred with “legend”.
There are fourteen hundred with “journey”, twelve hundred
with “story”, almost three hundred with “quest”,
and two thousand with “adventure”. The different region
names appear another thousand or two times. “Saga”,
“region” and “champion” come in around two
hundred. In sum, you should try to choose an original title that has
to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates
it’s yet another story about a pokemon trainer.

[Viscous
roars ]

Vicious,
I think you mean. You have a lot of errors like that.

[then
why don’t I fit in? The others at Pokemon Training School aren’t mean
or anything. In fact a lot of them are nice people, but I don’t have
any friends. I don’t want any friends. I’m the outcast standing in
the shadows. I’m the one who keeps quiet and always does what he’s
told. I just drift from day to day waiting for the day I can leave
the hell whole they call “New Bark Town” ]

Well,
at a thought, the not having friends thing might be connected to the
part where he says he doesn’t want friends. It feels like you threw
three different sorts of loner characters together into a blender
here.

Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she
said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she
said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said.
The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a
speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She
grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,”
She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because
it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like
laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re
breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said.
“This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is
it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“When
I call your names please come up to receive your Pokemon.”
Professor Elm says after everyone calms down. “Joan Abbotts,
Chikorita.” He continues to call out names.

This
really doesn’t work.

It’s
fine to have a bigger variety of starters. The idea of assigning them
to people based on personality matching or something, sure. But
starters need to fulfill the general purpose of starters, which is to
be a reasonable durable pokemon the kids can rely on and not screw
with them by handing one a pokemon they could catch within five
minutes of walking out the door while giving another an incredibly
rare pokemon and another a third stage evolution.

It’s
pidgey OR chikorita, in other words. Mixing super common and super
rare pokemon is just dickery, and evolved pokemon should never even
be an option. (Especially not stone evolutions, of all things –
bellossom can go on to learn all of three moves.)

[“David
Holmes.” There is an unusual silence in the room. I stare around
wondering why they even care. “Eevee.” What!
There has to be a mistake. An Eevee? Why the hell would I be
perfectly suited for a fluffy little kitten like Eevee?
]

I
assume you’re trying to set him up as different for not liking a
popular pokemon, but it comes off as thinking you can give him
awesome stuff if you just have him whine about it when actually that
second part only makes it even more annoying.

The
one way this could work is if you make it clear that all the starters
offered are awesome pokemon – you could have them be a mix of the
standard starters, as eevee technically would actually be one, or
starters plus a couple other rare and powerful pokemon. Maybe stuff
like dratini. If he was hoping for a totodile or charmander or
larvitar, and other kids got those, it’s a lot more understandable
he’d be upset he got a more cutesy pokemon. As it is, the one who
should be wondering all this is poor Frank, wondering why he’s
perfectly suited for a fluffy little birdy that’s also dirt common.

As it
is, if he hates it so much he can just trade with one of the
unluckier kids and make off with a geodude or something.

[“Eevee,
thanks to its unstable genetic makeup, this special Pokémon conceals
many different possible evolutions.” That’s
all this things has to say? ]

If
he’s been going to a school teaching him about pokemon and he doesn’t
know anything about them he’s the dumbest person to ever exist and
it’s a miracle he’s survived this long. I don’t know how on earth
he’s graduating or why any responsible adult would let him out of
their sight, unless possibly they’re so sick of his “I’m the
outcast standing in the shadows.” business that they welcome the
knowledge he’s just going to walk off a cliff in the first five
minutes.

[“Now
as you know students graduate from the Pokemon academy and start
their quest to become the Pokemon Master.” There’s the word
again “Pokemon Master” “And each year I pick the
three most likely to succeed.” Me? “Now I take it
from all of your expression you realise that this year. I have
decided to pick you.” He was looking straight at me. “Now I
hold in this briefcase three Pokemon. Chikorita the grass type
Pokemon, Totodile, the water type Pokemon and Cyndaquil, the fire
type Pokemon.” ]

Oh
dear lord so this idiot is so special he’s getting a second awesome
pokemon while Oak tells him he’s one of the most likely to succeed.
Meanwhile, poor Frank still just has a pidgey. I’d really rather be
hearing about Frank.

[The
story’s main characters, as you can see, are a gay couple. And as you
can also see, they are no different from any other relationship. I’m
not gay myself, but I believe homosexuality is perfectly acceptable]

I see
why you’re saying this but you’re better off just letting it stand
for itself rather than opening defensively.

You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Since
he was flying without his license, he needed to be wary of his
surroundings. ]

So…what exactly
does this mean? “His license” makes it sound like he’s
licensed and just doesn’t have it on him, but why wouldn’t he? If
he’s not licensed at all, it’d be generally put as “a license”
and be a bit more explained, but still have a nagging question of why
doesn’t he have one? Especially given he’s apparently good enough at
flying he can manage to do so after drinking.

Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she
said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she
said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said.
The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a
speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She
grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,”
She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because
it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like
laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re
breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said.
“This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is
it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

This story doesn’t
really go anywhere. Aside from a mention of being able to fly that
doesn’t actually impact the story in the least, it’s really just
about human characters you’re calling various pokemon species, with a
few events but no real plot – he goes various places looking for his
boyfriend, then is told the guy’s dead, then he’s sad as people are,
then he reads the obligatory after-death love letter.