Dragon Quill

[It’s official name was Pokémon Alloy
Island, which was an artificially made island that contained Pokemon
from the Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, Sinnoh, Unova, and Kalos regions. It
opened today and several Trainers have been sent invitations to this
island, which was described as an event that would have multiple
Trainers compete for a rare Pokémon and the chance to get a Key
Stone, a vital tool for Mega Evolution. Kaiden, however, saw this to
be a tactic to populate the newly made island and only accepted the
invitation he received to explore a new region. ]

“Its” is possessive, as in
“its story”, and “it’s” means “it is”.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

First, an artificial island isn’t the
same thing as a whole region, especially considering that manmade
islands tend to be on the extremely small side due to the manpower
involved in doing so. If this place is supposed to be region-sized,
say it’s a series of unusually large islands.

Second, what do you mean, populate?
This place is obviously not anything viable. They’ve just dumped a
bunch of different region’s pokemon in an area. This place would be
an ecological disaster zone if they’re actually expecting the place
to run on its own. You could only do this if this is done like
stocking quail for a hunt – a lot of pokemon were dropped in
yesterday for the trainers’ enjoyment and no one’s expecting the
place to function for more than a week or two. Moreover, you can’t
populate anything with “several” people.

Third, this is all ignoring the biggest
issue – who made this place? Who owns it? Is it under the
jurisdiction of any existing region’s laws or some rich guy’s private
nation where he plans to hunt the most dangerous game, trainers? Or
most terrifying of all, corporate property? That, not insane
conspiracy theories about a bunch of trainers somehow meaning the
area’s populated should be what’s on everyone’s mind.

[In this competition, the invited
Trainers would be allowed only one Pokémon to bring along as their
‘starter Pokémon’. It was in order to prevent seasoned Trainers from
overwhelming the more novice Trainers. Also, another rule was that
the chosen Pokémon could not be in its final stage in evolution, if
it had any. ]

That’s ridiculous, and the reason is
right there in your explanation – a trainer’s ability is mostly a
matter of what pokemon they have, so any halfway decent trainer
wouldn’t be willing to abandon their current team to train up a brand
new bunch. It doesn’t even manage its stated goal, because any
experienced trainer could have a pokemon that just didn’t evolve but
was insanely high level, or a stone evolution they haven’t evolved
yet, or a shelgon that’s one level short of its next evolution, so
they’d still be crushing the newbies. All this is doing is screwing
over people with pokemon that evolve early.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

[As you may have noticed, there are a
great amount of Trainers who have come to take part in this
competition,” Olcat took a breath, “and I am deeply
sorrowed to say that there are too many of you.” ]

If you want to do this, then don’t say
it’s by invitation only. That already didn’t make much sense with the
idea they picked people of all levels for it.

[Kaiden stared at the island’s beauty.
Despite being made by man, it was virtually perfect recreation of a
nature-filled island. There was a small town up ahead, which was
surrounded by a dense forest. In the distance, Kaiden could make out
the snowy peaks of mountains. And although he couldn’t see it, there
were some volcanoes and small deserts on the other side of the
island. ]

Sooooo yeah Duel Island then. Eh, I
guess it’s less ridiculous given pokemon could probably be used to
create such extreme environments.

I’m not sure why you’re wasting the
rest of the chapter on people chatting with other people about yet
other people. It smacks of filler. If you want to spend time on
something, why not have your character actually think about how weird
this all is? How long has this island been around? Who paid for it
and why? Is this Olcat guy actually in charge or was he hired to
wrangle them by a third party? Why did they invite people at all if
they want it open to all levels and how did they invite more people
than needed and what’s up with chartering enough planes to deliver
way more people than they needed only to announce afterward that
there were too many?

Actual
drabbles! That’s always great to see, and you do a great job of
managing to have a story to each of them.

[Perspective
change indicated by # and name]

You
should not be flipping between POVs often, and should never need to
outright tell people which POV it is – if your characters are so
interchangeable you need to explain to the reader who’s who, you have
much bigger problems than labeling them.

Don’t
open with a bio of your character. If it matters, it should come up
in the story. If it doesn’t, why waste time on sticking it in your
opening?

[Today
was finally the day that I turned 16. Today was the day I got my
first pokèmon from Professor Elm. ]

Write
out numbers with letters.

Trainers start at ten.

[That includes Clothes, Food for me ]

Don’t capitalize random words.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“You see what I need is someone
to look after a Pokèmon for me, so I can see how the bond between
trainer and Pokèmon grows when the pokèmon travels outside its
Pokèball. “

This is really contrived. It’s not even
like Ash is the only one to keep a pokemon out.

Also, you mean “most powerful
known in the world”, not “know”.

If he’s sixteen and doesn’t even know
the basic starters, he should not be allowed to be a trainer. Frankly
his mother shouldn’t be letting him dress himself.

You have a lot of errors in this. Get a
beta reader.

Well, as horrible reasons for starting
at sixteen go, because porn is at least understandable.

Incidentally?

[“Okay your ten so I’m not gunna
trade phone numbers. That’s creepy as hell if someone finds out. ]

Screwing your underage property is a
lot more creepy. If you want to have a non-creepy pokefucking story,
it’d help if you didn’t write the totodile like she’s about the same
age as the kid here – I’m hoping you plan to have her evolve/mature
before they go all the way, but currently her reactions sound like
she’s a little kid getting drugged with something to make her want to
fuck him. It’d also help if you made it clear pokemon choose to go
with trainers and can’t be caught or handed off against their will.
You’re writing her as pretty assertive, which helps, but it can only
do so much when the basic context is that he owns her. Instead of
saying he chooses her, have him ask her to go with him.

You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Semicolons
do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when
grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly,
judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable.
If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because
the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look
pretentious.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new
paragraph.

Hm. Well, it’s a slow opening but it’s
not retreading anything horribly overdone.

…And
still really slow.

[He
had short black hair spiked forward and at the back of his neck was a
slim braid that reached his lower back. His eyes were emerald green
and was about five feet one inch. He was wearing an unzipped black
jacket with two chest pockets, a white t-shirt underneath, blue
jeans, white shoes, and a pair of white fingerless gloves that had a
Pokeball design on them. ]

You
don’t need to describe him in painstaking detail. You certainly don’t
need to go on to do that for the rest of the kids. The line about how
they relate to the pokemon is interesting. The exact details of their
t-shirt designs are absolutely not.

[Gary
returned the smile, “I can’t wait for the day that I give you
your first Pokemon! Speaking of which, how long is it until you turn
fifteen?”

And
yeah trainers start at ten. Because if Ash could manage it at ten,
there’s really no tension to be found on if a fifteen year old can
possibly manage the same.

[handing
a pink Pokedex with a red rose on the front in full bloom to Rose, a
black Pokedex with what appears to be white flames to Blaze, and a
blue Pokedex with a river flowing along the bottom of it and a moon
oat the top, the river reflecting the moon, to Johnny. ]

I’m
sure kids actually getting pokedexes would think it was great to get
customized ones. As they’re just characters and this is text anyway,
this is just filler.

Huh,
this is cute.

If
your “prologue” is a couple sentences long, it’s not a
prologue. Just stick this on top of your actual chapter instead of
posting it on its own.

You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[The
first chapter will be largely on script with the first episode, with
a few key differences coming towards the end. It is in the second
chapter that the story will start to take on its own flavor, with
Ash’s journey changing course from the shows.
]

In
that case, the first chapter should be starting at those key
differences. Especially when you don’t seem to remember the first
episode all that well anyway.

You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she
said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she
said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said.
The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a
speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She
grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,”
She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because
it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like
laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re
breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said.
“This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is
it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

Drabble
= 100 words exactly. It’s a writing exercise. It doesn’t mean any
story that isn’t extremely long.

This
is a decent story but not really a pokemon one – it’s people shooting
down defenseless messenger birds using human weaponry and not magic
animals being used to counter other magic animals. A more pokemony
one would be maintaining a pack of houndoom trained to kill any
messenger abra who tries to teleport hop through the area.

[deaf
defying agony ]

Death.

[It
wasn’t fair they had all known that. A fire burns bright in the
hearts of the dead, and the skull embracing hound burned hotter as
its temper flared, his fangs bared with anticipation. Beneath its
distinct form – a wounded, pride-lost beast laid torn, bloodied and
beaten. The marks of several gruesome burns dotted its fur, leaving
shriveled burnt flesh to the pain of the crisp air. Bite marks dotted
its legs, preventing it from rising, and the marks were so deep that
the bone was on display like the sickest piece of art. The electric
mane, its embodiment of a proud pokemon had been stripped away, torn
from its head like a badge of brutal battle. It was no longer
sparkling with power. ]

This
is word salad. Some of your phrases are nice, but they don’t add up
to coherent sentences. Focus on writing clearly first and sounding
dramatic second.

You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Don’t
use ” for thoughts. It just looks like your character is talking
to themself.

Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she
said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she
said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said.
The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a
speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She
grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,”
She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because
it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like
laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re
breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said.
“This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is
it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

The
idea of this is intriguing, but it’s really held back by your
writing. I’d strongly suggest getting a beta reader.

Paragraphing
has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is
not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker
means you start a new paragraph.

Dialogue
is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she
said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she
said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said.
The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a
speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She
grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,”
She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because
it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like
laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re
breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said.
“This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is
it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

Spellcheck.

[Then
there was her coat. It wasn’t normal. It wasn’t even shiny. It was
golden. Golden with a slightly lighter golden fluff encircling her
neck. It made her feel so self-concious when she was around others.
Especially when some stopped to stare at this unusuall sight. That
was why she liked to keep to herself, learning instead to track and
hunt and sharpening her survival skills alone rather than playing
with others. Her golden coat probably had something to do with the
fact that both her parents were shiny. ]

So
she’s even more super special than a shiny pokemon.

Look,
if you want her to look a particular way, it’s a lot better to just
say pokemon vary in appearance than that she is the specialest
pokemon to ever special.

[peoples
worship and in return vowed to protect them. ]

People’s.
Apostrophe for possessive.

Spellcheck.

[This
child would become High King of High Queen of all Corrintha. ]

You
probably meant “or” and not “of”.

Semicolons
do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when
grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly,
judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable.
If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because
the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look
pretentious.

Anyway, this really is more of a
summary than a story. It should really be at the opening of your
actual chapter, not sitting here by itself.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“I’m sorry for your losses,”
said Touya’s friend, Cherry or whatever his name was, “At least
they didn’t take…”]

It should be [“I’m sorry for your
losses,” said Touya’s friend, Cherry or whatever his name was.
“At least they didn’t take…”] You should only have commas
linking the two if both chunks of dialogue are part of the same
sentence.

[N decides this is a time for honesty.
]

You dropped into present tense here.

Well, that was sweet and I like how you
write the two of them.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new
paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up
into even blocks.

Write out numbers with letters.

Pokemon don’t live in monotype areas
but have habitat preferences based on individual species, and if you
think about it, it makes even less sense given there are pokemon with
two types as well as pokemon that change type as they evolve.

And you certainly don’t need to list
each and every last one. If they matter, tell people about them as
they come up in the story.

Don’t label flashbacks. It should be
clear from context.

This is way too short for a chapter.

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

Stop capitalizing random words.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

[The bluenette ]

This is really not something to do
outside of humor. Also, that’s the feminine ending.

Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

It’s Johto.

Don’t label POVs, it should be clear
from context. Similarly, don’t label time periods/locations like
that.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Your story has way too much dialogue to
too little narration. Just look at your gym battle, it’s almost
entirely dialogue.

Don’t put author notes in the middle of
your story.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She
said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or
“Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned
or “Hello,” She grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” or
“Hi,” she said “This is it.” And if you’re
breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she
said, “is it.” Also, remember that generally “said”
is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, “stated”
is not.

Semicolons do not indicate
sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically
correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously,
and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a
semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences
are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

Well, this is a decent opening –
there’s a bunch going on in the background and a current plot as
well. It would have been better to continue until you actually
reached the new girl, though, since it seems the story will involve
them dealing with the addition so if she’s a good or bad character
would be nice to know.

[As soon as the footsteps receded, Kate
heard the other students surround her, she didn’t her eyes to know.

“Is it true that your the Sinnoh
champion’s little sister?”

“Yes.”

“Why’re you so cold?”

“Because I don’t trust others.”

“Why?”

“The same reason I don’t show you
my face.”

Silence.]

[Kate looked up, reveling a few month
old slash going from just under her left to the left corner of her
mouth and two pale blue eyes with golden flecks. “I was
kidnapped.”

Keith realized that she was crying.
Before he could apologize, she ran out of the room. Keith looked at
the paper.

‘I beat the record of 15.6 sec. by 3.9
sec.’ It read.]

This is way too melodramatic and
wangsty. Dial it back.