Pokereviews Day 9 (40)

So much progress today! Thank you, whatever the reason for people slowing down their insane posting is.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10955190/1/Hoenn-The-End

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[ She scavenged the moist, grassy ground  ]

A lot of your word choice is just off (should really be more like “scavenged on/through”). I’d suggest a beta reader.

And as always the girl loses to the boy.

“Its” is possessive, “it’s” means “it is.”

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10955217/1/Mystery-Dungeon-Reimagined

[a Fennekin. ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10955471/1/Orphan-Rises-Against-Showering

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“Does your father know when’s our anniversary?”]

“Does your father know when is our anniversary?” is not how people generally speak.

Lol randumb FIRE continues to not be half as funny (or as random) as you think.

Two.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10955656/1/Show-of-Bravery

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

[ raven-haired trainer, ]

Don’t use irrelevant epithets, and especially don’t keep using them over and over again. Name, pronoun, and any description that’s relevant. “Trainer” is reasonably on point but whether or not his hair is the color of a bird that doesn’t even exist in this universe is not.

[“The kind of friend who knows you’re going to be great!” he guffawed mischievously  ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

I’m pretty sure this author threw a fit at me a long time ago, but apparently they’ve unblocked me. Unless it’s some weird FFN glitch wiping blocked lists, in which case I feel bad.

Two.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10955690/1/The-Same-Yet-So-Different

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[Here, you see infront us ]

Spellcheck would’ve caught “infront” and proofreading should’ve caught the dropped “of”.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10955727/1/Finding-Us

For god’s sake, no, people don’t format their written notes to look like a chatroom why would you even do that.

Look. You could just italicize the writer’s name to tell the reader which person wrote which section, or you could try to write each section write a strong enough voice that the reader could guess. You’re already part of the way there – mentioning Joy and Jenny identifies Brock well enough, instead of “Blackthorn” you could have her say something about how as his cousin she recommends the manly hunk Surge instead, then have have Surge write, “This manly hunk doesn’t have no psychic voodoo powers ” rather than “Manly hunk: I don’t have no psychic voodoo powers”. Janine could make a comparison between Lance’s abs and her steelix. Etc. And if there’s someone you really can’t get across without directly labeling it, then there’s probably no real need to have their line in the first place.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[a 6 year old  ]

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

One.

It’s actually kind of refreshing to see something laid low by rushing and/or laziness rather than total incompetence.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10955792/1/May-s-Journey

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

It’s spelled “Johto”.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Three, all concrit.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10955977/1/The-Isle-of-the-Champions

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“Alright… Camera on, and here we go!” The camera beeps, signifying the beginning of a recording.
I take a deep breath before starting. “My name is Nico Flanagan. I’m doing this because of a stupid Truth or Dare thing, but whatever. I think that a little physical description of me would help me ease into this. So… um… well, I have messy black hair along with mahogany brown eyes. I also don’t sport a mustache or beard or anything because I honestly don’t like them. My height is hovering around 5’10”. Working out is my thing, but I’m not a workout hunk. I’ve got nice 4-pack abs complementing my lean stature and decent biceps and triceps. My leg muscles are crazy, though.]

He or you seem very, very unclear on what a camera is.

Don’t ask for OCs. Write someone who fits the story properly.

Two.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10956001/1/Don-t-Ever-Give-Ash-Sugar

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Sugar highs aren’t really and haven’t been a clever idea in a decade anyway.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10956012/1/Washed-Out-Dreams

[The corner of her mouth twitched as she set down a king. The men did not look shocked, nor did they look impressed. They should have been, though, because that was the fifth king she’d laid down on the table. ]

This is a really stupid mistake to be making, and at odds with the idea she’s any good at this.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[He gestured to the umbreon that was holding a rough estimate of 300 pokedollars in its jaws. “That.”
“Oh, come on. It was all in good fun.” She said, smirking. “Come on, we can buy something nice with that!”]

If you look at what people can buy with that in the game, she can buy them a soft drink provided it’s a cheap one. Either add more zeros or call it regular dollars, because the pokeworld’s currency is shown to be at the buying power of yen.

[the two girls umbrella ]

Girls’. Apostrophe for possessives.

[sat her beloved Elgyem, and on the other her best Espurr ]
[ a Grotesque experiment  ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10956292/1/Stones-Roses

Write out numbers with letters.

[What did they mean by that? The silver haired male wondered ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Five.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10956348/1/Breathe

[“Trevor Smith from Research, paging Leader Maxie,” he spoke. ]

SAID. Spoke is not a perfect synonym, don’t use it as a speech tag.

Write out numbers with letters.

[“I only moved to Hoenn last year,” she responds quickly. “I grew up in Sinnoh, I’m not part of that family.”
“You’re lying,” he speaks through clenched teeth. “Do you really think me a fool? One of the most prominent families in Hoenn doesn’t just disappear. All of your records are recent; did you just come out of hiding? Are there others in hiding that you know about?”]

Hm. The mistaken identity thing seemed a bad idea for an extended plot because people with the same surname exist and it should be easy for her to prove she’s related to a different group of people and that this is just a screwup on their part. But her being a recent arrival and Maxie looking for people who’ve been in hiding makes a lot of sense.

[Her eyes are watering, but her glare burns with contempt. There’s no use trying to tell him the truth.
“Fuck you,” she snaps]

I’d expect her to try a bit harder to reason with him, though – it’s pretty irritating he’s got this whole conspiracy theory thing going, but she’s in an awful position if she can’t convince him, so she should try a little harder than just pointing out she’s an immigrant. Her Hoenn paperwork is recent but the rest of it in Sinnoh must be older, so why not tell him to go get that, listing off her actual family tree to show there’s no connection? There’s plenty of reasons this still wouldn’t work (a combination of Team Magma having little to no ability to get access to Sinnoh papers and Maxie assuming those would be easily faked too, say) but it makes more sense as something a person would try in this position.

Two.

That finishes Jan 7th at last!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10956671/1/ThisIsNotALoveStory

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Paragraphing isn’t just for new speakers in a conversation. Every time you shift focus, you start a new paragraph to go with it.

[“Fish breath,” I mutter to him, “get your nose outta my face.” His response is to slap his tongue right over my mouth and nose. “Ah, stop, stop Traver. Stop it. Your breath is rancid and your saliva is like slug juice.”

Feeling is returning to my limbs. I feel pressure: gravity. I’m lying half-on-my-side-half-on-my-stomach in a huge patch of black earth turned to mud by the rain. Traver, my Manectric, is hovering over me anxiously like he does when he doesn’t know what to do because I haven’t given him a command. “You doofus,” I grumble to him and sit up, “what are you doing out of your pokeball?”

Upon hearing “pokeball”, Traver trots away from me and returns with said object in his mouth, tail wagging and tongue lolling out alongside his treasure.

“That’s not yours, Traver. I don’t use pokeballs like that; it’s a dive ball. And it’s shattered. Where did you get it?”

He drops it in the mud and barks at me, wagging his tail so violently his whole back half is shaking.

I sigh. “Traver, assist.” He freezes for a moment, and then brushes up beside me, allowing me to lean on him as I climb to my feet. The world swims a little, and I keep my hand planted firmly between the canine’s shoulders. “Traver,” I say, swallowing my nausea and pointing to the pokeball he’s brought me, “find.”

He moves slowly forward with me, sniffs the pokeball for scent, and then leads me off toward the edge of the nearby woods.

Another human form is crumpled near some bushes, but something isn’t right. The person is a male in a dark-colored flight jacket, the kind you wear if you’re doing some kind of aerial tricks with a flying pokemon. There’s a dark patch under his head and his neck and back are twisted at impossible angles. Arceus, I think, heart jolting in my chest, he’s dead.

I have a better look at myself now; I’m wearing my own stormy-gray flight jacket, though it’s ripped in a few places, my flight goggles are around my neck and the right lens is scratched, there’s a bad cut on my right calf and my lip is split. Things begin to return to me.

“Traver, did we fall?” He wags his tail. I remember we were in an aerial fight now, I was Flying with Prion, my Skarmory. “Where’s Prion,” I ask my dog, worry seeping into my head.

He leads me back toward where I fell where some bushes and a lone tree create a sheltered spot from the rain. There lies the silver bird, coated in mud and looking rather scruffy, but alive.

“Are you all right?” I feel like crying. I know where we are and I know there’s no help. Not now, anyway. A clear voice, or what might’ve been a voice, breaks the chaos in my head. ]

is much, much more readable than having it all in one giant lump.

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

[How do you explain the lawless underworld to somebody who’s never encountered it? How do you explain that the police aren’t even present in such places as unexplored wild, or extremely poor or remote villages and uninhabited ruins? That the majority of the time, crime goes unpunished and unknown? The cities and the roads are civil. The world is not. It’s violent. The Leagues and their rules were meant to create a world that is safe from the lawlessness by practicing voluntary restraint. It only partially succeeded. The people that are the most violent were never going to be influenced by the idea of a League or rules, and remain as dangerous and wild as ever. They laugh at battles with no bloodshed, they call the League a childish fantasy.  ]

The thing is, even criminals tend not to fight to the death, and they’re generally not a fan of finding someone reasonably able to defend themselves as their target.

Your character’s explained as well as personally shown why aerial fights are extremely dangerous, so it shouldn’t take a law to make people not want to try to kill people like that, it should just take self-preservation. Someone being willing to fight to the death (and with a noctowl against the highly advantaged skarmory) really doesn’t seem like it’s a matter of a lack of police or an underworld trainer. Even dogfighting usually isn’t to the death and the amount of effort people put into raising pokemon is a lot more than they do into fighting dogs.

It’s believable that this isn’t the first death your trainer’s seen, but it really shouldn’t be that common.

[Gee aren’t I transparent? The character who’s gonna go through a personal symbolic journey, I wonder who that is… Maybe the one whose name refers to the Odyssey? ]

Yeah pointing this out really isn’t helping.

Also, you really should have some sort of break between the story and the endnotes.

Well, I really like that you’re writing about experienced trainers, and it’s particularly unusual to have someone who’s just not concerned about badges. More serious pokemon battles can be good too – a big problem with a lot of OT fic is that there’s lots of battles but the outcome doesn’t matter – but death still needs to be reasonably rare to have impact/for it to make sense there’s much of anyone left alive to keep doing it.

One, and it’s concrit from someone I reviewed. Huh.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10957252/1/Scared-and-hopeless

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You really need more paragraphs. You should never have a giant lump of text.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10957389/1/Reunion

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Two.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10957401/1/Unbeatable

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

Write out numbers with letters.

[in the Johto region, you have to be at least 18 years old to legally work in a gym. ]

I find that really hard given you obviously don’t even need to be eighteen to be a gym leader and the undertrainers have included preschoolers.

Plus [Drexel had heard stories of children sleeping late on this special day and missing their opportunity, so he had set two alarms for 6:30 sharp. ] is saying this is open to kids. Possibly you meant to draw a comparison between kids oversleeping when getting their starter to him oversleeping and missing this different opportunity to apply to work in a gym, but it’s pretty badly worded for that.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

The bit with the caterpie is nice – it’s always good to see pokemon as part of the world beyond just the battling.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10957401/2/Unbeatable

[ “Today’s the most important day of the entire job.” He looked excited for Drex. “You’re gonna get your first Pokémon.”
Even though he was 18, Drex was having a difficult time containing his childlike excitement. He had never had an actual Pokémon for himself outside of the family Cherrim]

This is idiotic. If he had access to one pokemon, then he was perfectly able to catch a pokemon of his own. Also, what sort of gym wants to hire undertrainers who are even less experienced than a newbie trainer?

[ I’m not going to give you your first Pokémon, Drex. You’re going to catch it on your own.”
Taken back by this new information, Drex tried to rationalize the situation in his head.
“But you’re going to give me a Pokémon to battle with, right. How am I supposed to catch a Pokémon if I can’t battle it.”
“You’ve gotta be smart, Drex.” Faulkner looked up to the sky: something Drex has seen him do plenty of times. “A bird keeper isn’t just one with his bird. He’s one with every flying-type Pokémon he finds. You’re going to have to use your wits to capture a Pokémon all on your own.”]

Oh so he could have done this literally any time before now.

Also, wow does he look stupid apparently being close to the gym leader and all excited about this job and not even knowing something this basic about the job.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10957837/1/Timeless

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10958030/1/Through-Their-Eyes

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[“That would be true, but only if you count the legendaries.” Sam replied as he looked out the window of the two-story mansion that towered above the rest of the city. “And everyone knows they do not truly exist.” ]

Nice to see someone treating the legendaries as legends and myths rather than known pokemon.

[“A glaceon, a flareon, and an espeon.” ]
[“When I tried to get an espeon the eevee actually evolved when I was sleeping, so it turned into an umbreon.  ]
[A blissey.” Jason guessed. Sam just smirked.
“It wasn’t the easiest thing to raise and it did take awhile but I got one.”]

This, though, seems rather the opposite – friendship evolutions are difficult and involve a lot of investment, and although in the games you can just feed them proteins and rare candy until they evolve, lorewise it seems like it’d be really difficult to get one to evolve just because you wanted the pokedex data, let alone the nine or so he’d need (assuming he managed to catch the others evolved, otherwise it’s a full sixteen). And that’s on top dealing with all the pokemon that evolve at really high levels. It’d make a lot more sense if they were some of the ones he was buying or trading for. If he doesn’t need to keep all examples, just record information on all of them, this would make a lot more sense while still being really difficult.

“Its” is possessive, “it’s” means “it is.”

[“What if the eevee doesn’t want to be caught?” Sam was taken aback by this question.
“What do you mean Jason?”
“Well you know that pokémon have feelings just like we do. They have families and goals in life, just as we do. I was just wondering if this pokemon doesn’t want a trainer. Maybe it’s happy in the wild.”]

Why wait until he’s gotten six hundred and sixty-eight in to bring this up?

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

[Right when he was about to pick it up, it opened. But the eevee didn’t come out. Instead, a red line of energy shot out and hit Sam square in the chest. Then, Sam started to get sucked into the ball. ]

This seems pretty out of nowhere. You do mention that it’s a custom ball, but there’s no particular reason given for why it backfires in such a specific and inexplicable way.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10958056/1/I-m-a-pokemon

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

You really need a beta reader.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10958207/1/Ash-s-Master-Quest

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Another Ash-sue. Just write an OC if you want to make up your own character, it won’t solve the sue part but at least it’s honest.

Five.

Remember when everyone hated Ash? Good times, minimal “this is the canon character but their personality and backstory is different” getting posted.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10958452/1/The-Chaotic-Trainer

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Stop capitalizing random words.

[The flight waitresses got everybody calmed down and we put on our breathing masks. ( I don’t know the real name, to me their just puke things.)  ]

Nope.

This is pretty terrible, try harder.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10958512/1/Bring-Him-Home

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[The Lucario patted Luca on the back. Luca let go, and the Lucario smiled. “Hi, Mom.”
“RIO!” She ran and hugged him tightly. Rio chuckled. He returned the hug. “You came home, Rio… finally.”
“I told you I would, Mom,” Rio said.
“Then… why did it take so long?” she asked, pulling back. “You grew up.”
Rio smiled sheepishly. “I forgot. I’m sorry, Mom. Can you forgive me?” ]

They have phones and internet and mail, this kind of plotline really doesn’t make much sense in modern times. Even assuming that this is nonsensical because it’s a magic wish on someone who was originally dead or something, the fact is, they wouldn’t just be reliant on him to contact them, they’d be able to contact him unless he deliberately prevented it, so they’d have either kept in touch or known something was horribly wrong.

Blocked!

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10958551/1/Differences

[“About what?” Shauna replied, asking the inevitable question.
“Oh, nothing too important,” Serena replied. She looked back over to Shauna.
“Okay,” Shauna replied, narrowing her eyes. “You know, if something’s bothering you, you can always let me know.” She placed a warm kiss on Serena’s forehead, which made her cheeks go hotter yet also brought a smile to her face.
“Of course,” she replied, no longer caring that Shauna had leaned down to kiss her.]

When other people use an apparently random selection of speech tags, it’s also awful but I can at least understand it’s a concern about overusing any one. But you’re just using a different word over and over, which is even more distracting than using nothing but said would’ve been.

Two.

WHY

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10958638/1/Liebe-Love-Amour

This one finally figured out blocking, or rather apparently someone else did and explained, although apparently not that it’s stupid to repost the same story over and over again yet.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10958701/1/Her

[It’s vague to tell what type of person she could be.  ]

That’s not how you use “vague”.

Speaking of vague, this could be about pretty much anyone, which makes it poor fanfic.

One.

Believe this finishes off January 8th! I don’t know if FFN went down or people are burnt out from their brand-new-year posting binge or if I’ve just terrorized everyone

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10958764/1/The-Scars-of-Our-Past-Becoming-Untouchable

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[Over the next few years, Jasmine did some research on her new ability, practiced controlling and using it, and discovered the rules about Untouchables. The large scar on her hip was, strangely, shaped like a lightning bolt, and she had a power that matched the marking’s shape. ]

This really seems random. Pokemon’s already got magic powers and even humans with magic powers, so jamming in a completely separate magic power system doesn’t work well. It seems like something that belongs in a separate universe.

The answer will probably involve the fact there’s no sign of this being the pokemon world, despite that just making the problem worse.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10958884/1/You-Are-Beautiful

[“Why did you never tell me? I could have helped you- I could have…” His voice catches and he dissolves once more into a flood of tears, shuddering in Lysandre’s arms.
This is a dream, he knows, or a hallucination. Either way, this will not last, and in the morning, he will be alone again. He always is.
“I miss you,” he says, and Lysandre remains silent. Perhaps this is for the best, thinks Sycamore. Less painful.”I forgive you.”]

See, this just makes Sycamore look like terrible given Lysandre’s whole evil thing. I mean, sure, love is usually great and all, but he was trying to wipe out almost all life on earth for very stupid reasons.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10959114/1/Infected-Trailer

Trailers were one of the various “not actually a story” bans. Also covered under the not uploading parts of a story separately.

Don’t ask for OCs. Write characters that actually fit the story rather than desperately trying to get attention like this.

[May Mayple ]

Maple. Proofread.

Also, this really seems like not fanfic – clearly not the pokemon universe, and god knows no one’s in character, so they’re just OCs sharing character names, at which point just give them their own names and put it on Fictionpress.

Six.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10959183/1/Infected-OC-form

And seriously, don’t upload non-stories.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10959265/1/Fragment-No-1

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[she was, for a girl, extremely bulky and powerful.  ]

Never do this.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10959315/1/Everytime-that-I-come-near-her-I-just-lose-my-nerve

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10959399/1/the-islander-and-the-knight

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Though Harley was an idiotic unpopular king who was unfit to rule. But only for Drew, Harley’s kingdom got a steady position.  ]

You really need a beta reader, and also, propping up a bad regime is actually a bad thing to do.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10959428/1/To-end-a-feud

“Your” is possessive, “you’re” is short for “you are”.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10959455/1/The-Tale-Continues

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10959488/1/I-Can-t-Believe-It-s-Happening

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Two.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10959830/1/Pokemon-Black-and-White-2-Where-Is-My-Mind

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

“Its” is possessive, “it’s” means “it is.”

Songfic is so very much banned. Don’t do this.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10959905/1/To-be-A-Trainer

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[“I’m finally home mom.”  ]

Any time you’re using something in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[I need some characters  ]

No, you don’t. You’re totally capable of making up your own characters and they’ll be better because they’ll fit with the story you’re telling rather than being jarring sues.

Anyway – you really don’t need to spend a chapter on people getting an invitation. If this started with them at a tournament, no one’s going to be thinking that wow, this makes no sense, why on earth would pokemon trainers be at a tournament, how could this possibly have happened? If there’s an actual plot to this, start when that starts, if you’re really, really worried that people won’t realize there were invitations, just have someone say, “Wow, you got an invitation to the tournament too?” and you’re good.

Two.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10959945/1/No-More-Leaving

[“I don’t need you to interfere with my life, Drew.” He raises an eyebrow at her. This whole time her eyes have refused to meet his, and yet she still knew it was him.
“You know, I expected a better greeting from you, after all these years.” She scoffs, her soft features turning into a glare.
“It’s not like I knew you’d even show up,” she mumbles. He looks her over skeptically.
“Really? Because this is a party thrown by the league, May. And I am pretty well known around here. I’m sure you had to of known.”]

Keep actions with their speaker. This is all really frustrating to read.

[ sapphire orbs, ]

Don’t use orbs.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10960202/1/Waiting-for-Viridian

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

Write out numbers with letters.

[Gengar and Lapras teamed up to distract Mewtwo with the Ice Beam Lapras shot. Gengar then hurled a barrage of Shadow Balls.]

This is pretty badly worded. The first sentence is that somehow both pokemon are involved in Lapras’ ice beam. I think what you meant was something more along the lines of, “Gengar and Lapras teamed up to distract Mewtwo. Lapras shot a Ice Beam and Gengar then hurled a barrage of Shadow Balls.”

I do like the plot of this – Mewtwo being caught in an ordinary pokeball because he’s convinced by what he sees in Red’s mind, and the explanation for why Red’s hanging out on the mountain is so much better than the usual craziness one.

Zero.

In other news, just checked my stats!


You have submitted a total of 4900 signed reviews.

So I think I’ll end on this! Should crack five thousand in another week, assuming only moderate attrition.

7 Comments

  1. Ember says:
    The guy describing himself to a camera is *amazing*.



    0
    1. Farla says:
      The best part is this is a video he intends to send to his family. His mom is about to watch him explain to the camera that he’s “got nice 4-pack abs complementing my lean stature and decent biceps and triceps.”



      0
      1. Ember says:
        I’m so happy.



        0
      2. illhousen says:
        Ah yes, a traditional family activity: describing your musculature.

        To be fair, it does serve an important role in the shoggoth society as you need someone with a fresh set of eyes to judge if the form of your body matches what you were going for when you formed it out of shapeless mass of flesh.




        0
  2. Mystery Man says:
    Ash got popular now because he became that type of OC in the XY anime.



    0
  3. waretaringo says:
    Breathe went down. Shame, I was curious to read in full. Wonder if they’ll repost it?



    0
    1. Farla says:
      That’s disappointing. I wonder if it was because they found even that review unacceptable or if it was the same as whatever the reason for people chronically even deleting fics I don’t review.



      0

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