Pokeween (28)

Ah, it’s nice to settle in with a more familiar fandom. And sure, there’s the terrible Halloween fic, but terrible Halloween fic is still so much better than Christmas fic.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11539662/1/Pokemon-Grey-Nightmare

[Of course, being born in 1997 and 2000 didn’t help our fandom. ]

“Our fandom” would be the fandom of them. Saying being born then “made things more difficult” or something would make more sense. Also consider that lots of people haven’t played the original games, so it’s not inherently that big of a deal. You should establish that they were completionists for this to be a major point.

[By the time we really got into it, all the original and older games were out of the stores, and we never trusted flea market games. ]

You know the used one were resold in game stores for quite a while longer. Not exactly flea market or nothing. And given how very little flea market games go for, what exactly were they so suspicious about?

[But as we grew older, Rose grew out of Pokémon and more girly-girl stuff while I grew more tomboy-ish. ]

Please don’t gender things like this. You could as easily say a tomboy grew out of it in favor of sports and actually doing physical activity rather than sitting in front of a gameboy screen.

[I’m very gullible and I’ve been reading lots of Creepypasta. Being gullible and creepypasta isn’t a good combination. So when I discovered this Pokemon Grey game in my case, I panicked. I honestly thought creepypasta had come to get me! Luckily the little bit of common sense in the back of my head returned and I calmed down. Why was I so scared anyway? Maybe my parents or Rose discovered this game and put it in my case? ]

Okay, so this is a moderately reasonable meta nod, except you don’t explain what else Pokemon Grey could even be, and you just got through explaining her sister doesn’t play the games at all now so no one should’ve been messing with it.

If she had a reasonable thought, like that she was being silly because it was probably some bootleg, and her sister was still playing and they shared the 3DS, then it’d make sense to be startled but then dismiss it. Instead, like all bad creepypasta, you have her pointing out something doesn’t make sense then failing to give any alternative but that it’s an evil game that’s haunted by super ghosts.

[“Wait.” Suddenly appeared in the chat. “Oh, yeah! That game! I bought it at a flea market months ago. It acted all weird, like freezing, so I quit it.”]

Now, another thing that’d work is if the narrator didn’t have any interest in flea market games but her sister did, instead of you starting off saying for some reason they never touched them. Say her sister had played Vietnamese Crystal and Pokemon Diamond 2 and all those, as well as played old and glitchy RBYGS games, then having a weird game appear in the 3DS would be startling but have a proper explanation.

[I chose the girl, since, after all, I am a girl. Unfortunately I couldn’t pick a name. Bummer… I had already picked a name for her.  ]

Your character shouldn’t know that the name is set just because it doesn’t ask in the introduction, especially when the introduction is already different by skipping the “welcome to the world of…” but too. That just makes it look like in Grey, they’re going to have both happen after the game starts.

[her mom telling her to go to professor Juniper ]

Any time a title like professor is being used in place of or as part of a name, it’s capitalized the same as one.

[ It was Yamika, making me groan softly. I knew enough Japanese to know Yami means Darkness. ]

Whereas it makes me grown because I don’t think that’s even a real name it’s just that everyone knows Yami = Dark. How about Akuma? Still pretty obvious but at least it didn’t get beaten into everyone’s head by Yugioh fandom. Or Kurai, a synonym that at least isn’t the one absolutely everyone knows.

[ After the usual talk (I got a Pokémon Black walk-through on laptop to compare text) I got to choose my starter. This is where it got a bit strange, though. All starters were way darker than their actual colors. I know Snivy’s shiny form is just a darker version, but the others aren’t. Right? I don’t even know anymore. ]

Your character can’t both be able to look up the walkthrough and unable to look up what the shiny forms should be.

[ Snouts turned out to be a glithed colored Pokémon ]

Glitched. Spellcheck.

[ Every now and then, mostly after a Pokemon fainted, the screen glitched. It went dark for longer than usual and the cries of the defeated wild Pokemon sounded more distorted. ]

This is nicely subtle/plausible.

[Thinking I couldn’t battle Skyla without ringing the bell, I went to it and pressed A. The bell rang once…twice…t-three times? I swear I only pressed A once, or did I get those annoying twitchy fingers again?  ]

Or hitting A to interact makes it ring a bunch of times. No one who wasn’t already aware this was a creepypasta would think anything of a thing happening when you hit A.

[ It looked fine, only difference was Yamika now looked scared instead of confident.  ]

Yeah, anyone who reads creepypasta would recognize that as a thing that never happens in the games and always happens in creepypasta and stop.

[I selected Sky, my Unfezant, to fly me away from the tower to the town.
“Sky can no longer Fly.”
…? What? Can no longer fly, or can no longer use Fly?]

Oh boy, another of those.

[Strange was, on the lowest floor was a row more graves]

This is a mess.

[Wait, why did I do that anyways? Urgh..This game is making me do things I usually wouldn’t have given a crap about. I just ran for the door, only to find there was no door. No way of escaping! ]

More than usual, it makes no sense she wouldn’t just stop playing the game instead.

And now it’s talking and not turning off and blood and more blood and yet she’s still refusing to just not play.

[I didn’t want to play this game any longer then I had to, so I obeyed. ]

She really doesn’t. You have to give actual motivation for people to do things.

Two.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11540420/1/Tranquil-Calamity-SYOC

Don’t ask for OCs. Make up what OCs your story actually needs to fit whatever purpose you need them for.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[“F*ck this, kid, you know what, I’m done with this sh*t, I’m just gonna kill you and take your money.” The man screamed, ripping the loincloth and revealing his form.]

…A loincloth pretty much only covers the loin, thus the name. Also, if you’re too young to write out a swear, you’re too young to be writing characters swearing.

[“You can’t be serious…” I finally said, soaking up the information like a sponge.  ]

Okay, that metaphor means “absorbing a lot” and so is totally unfitting for getting one single piece of information out of a situation.

[I stared into the furred man’s eyes with hatred. If he was going to kill me, the least I better do was face it head on. Just like my father used to say… my father, a man who fell terribly ill and no longer could work.  ]

That’s sure out of nowhere.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Seven.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11541046/1/Gym-of-the-Rattata

[“It’s good to have you here, Misty,” Sabrina greeted ]
[“This tea is really good, Sabrina,” she praised. ]

Don’t use redundant speech tags. And mostly, just stick to said.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Yeah, there is really no way infinite rattata is scary. Joey having one rattata or a team of six rattata that were going on a killing spree would work better because at least it isn’t as ridiculous as an endless stream of rattata.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11542877/1/He-s-Not-What-You-Think

Write out numbers with letters.

“Alot” isn’t a word. Spellcheck.

[“We’ve already gone this far, how’s suckin’ my blood any different?” ]

Because it’s bad for you and can kill you. Generally that shouldn’t be a description of things you do in your relationship.

[b-because the trace. But since you’re concious..”  ]

Trance, conscious, seriously spellcheck/proofread/get a beta reader.

Three.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11547559/1/The-Revenge-Curse

[She had stayed late to work on a science project, and, now that it was done, she was able to play her beloved Pokemon White game. ]

Okay, but why doesn’t she just play at home? Do her parents restrict how long she can play?

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

[Holding it away from her, Daren reset it and deleted the game file. He gave it back when the screen said “You’re save file has been permanently deleted.” Crying, Lilia slumped to the ground while Daren just laughed. “Pokemon’s for babies, but I guess you are one.” He laughed at his joke, but she didn’t hear him. ]

“Your” is possessive, “you’re” is short for “you are”.

Also, it is stupidly hard to erase a save file.

Storywise, this doesn’t really go anywhere. Her pokemon pops out for revenge and she hides it.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11555981/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Outlaws-Unleashed-Origin

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[“Food.” One guard said, throwing an apple into each cell. This was not enough to keep them from starving, but enough to keep them alive.
Since they only are fed once a day]

One apple would really not be enough to keep anyone alive.

“It’s” means “it is”. “Its” is the possessive form.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11559309/1/Blood-and-Snow-Omega

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[The Announcers voice ]

Apostrophes for possessives.

Don’t swap between POVs.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Battles are really not inherently interesting.

Six. In part because there’s four chapters.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11559628/1/Watch-my-back-CHAPTER-1

You’re supposed to post all chapters on a single story, never separately.

Spellcheck.

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[The protagonist’s name was Jasmine, and Jasmine is a Lucario.
*Fanfiction reader’s voice* “Oh great it’s another Lucario X Zoroark story isn’t it? Oh great, yeah real original Mr. Pizza.”
*Sean pizza’s voice* Okay firstly, FUCK YOU. And secondly, no. This will not be another Lucario X Zoroark Fanfiction. I fear that the website has a fair amount of those already. What stories like “Heat in the cold forest” and “Love and pain” perhaps? Well, no. This story is about]

At this point, I can’t imagine I care what the answer to that is. This is awful.

Three, one by the author.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11559968/1/Hey-You-Haunter

[As the night of Halloween approaches, here is a story to remind you of the days when the Creepypastas roamed the earth.]

So…regular days.

[“Capitalist pigs,” I jokingly uttered to myself. ]

Use normal speech tags.

[So, of course, I repeated “PlayStation” into the microphone to see what would happen. The word slithered between my lips like a serpent maneuvering through separate bagels. The microphone picks it up as I visually saw my message absorbed by Haunter. ]

Use normal language in general. It’s really not as clever as you think it is.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11560164/1/Ha-Ha-It-s-Not-Funny

[please note that this was written in one go at literally midnight through the AMs, so, even though it has been edited, please do not be surprised if you see some glaring literary mistakes that are just bad ideas even though they’re technically not “wrong” ]

Just wait to post next time.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[He’d gotten thinking that perhaps Pokémon were just as cool as he’d been lead to believe all his life.  ]

You can’t get to think what you’ve already been lead to believe.

Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” for speech.

[Not that he would have feet to be cold after this ordeal—assuming he even survived it, that is. Because, you know, frostbite and stuff. ]

Frostbite is not really that certain of a thing. If you want him to be losing bits, just say it’s from the mauling.

Three.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11563201/1/Sweet-Terror

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[ my Chimchar was bouncing around the walls yelling “I’m a Darkrai!” ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Two.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11564122/1/Murkrow-s-House-of-Horrors

[One could say that the eerie fog and the full moon can signify the Halloween night out in the wilderness. Although that contributes to a Halloween night, there is just so much more. ]

Your opening is terrible. This is a bad sign.

The moon isn’t synchronized with the months. It’s random chance if there’s a full moon or not. Your wording is also a mess (could say/can signify shouldn’t be used together) and your second “sentence” is barely half a thought. What are you even trying to say?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Zero, despite having a second chapter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11565653/1/Guilty

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[The dead body shimmered for a second before suddenly vanishing. So they were just in my head. They were wrong about the atonement thing, I think my subconscious just wanted to kill them again]

That makes even less sense than the rest of the fic. Violence really isn’t a substitute for a story.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11573064/1/My-kingdom

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11577576/1/Ghosts-Of-White-Forest

[Rogan: JUST START THE STORY ALREADY!
Me: Why are you shrilling like a girl?
Dakota: He always shrills like a girl.
Rogan: *Earsplitting* I do not!]

Wow.

So first you realize you’re wasting everyone’s time with your author note and decide the best solution is to point out you’re aware of this by making it drag on longer rather than deleting the garbage you wrote already.

You then confuse the word “shrilling” with “shrieking” and follow it up with sexist bullshit.

Well, at least you saved me the time of looking at your actual story by telling me right up front no one should ever bother with that.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11582287/1/Halloween-spoocktacular

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

Zero, despite three chapters.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11583714/1/Volcano-Juice

Capital letters aren’t optional.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[His blood boiled in rage at his stupidity. Then, it literally boiled as he got closer to a warm death. He roared in frustration.]
[Contains scientifically accurate volcano death  ]

But not so scientifically accurate to get in the way of someone still being alive after their blood “literally boiled” and in fact, capable of going on to do a whole bunch of things before only dying by actually falling into the lava.

[riley once forgot the name for lava and called it volcano juice, thus the absurd title for such a serious fic.]

Explaining why you did something stupid doesn’t make it less stupid.

[funfact some of these characters are trans]

Truly, thinking that while doing nothing to actually feature it puts you on the forefront of progressive representation. Have a cookie.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11583921/1/The-PokeRus-Files

Use spellcheck.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Alone, the PokeRus is a virus spread by phsyical contact
between Pokemon that acts somewhat as a steroid. The Pokemon grows stronger
more quickly, and the effect seems to be permanent. ]

That’s not what steroids are.

This is way too short to be a chapter.

Zero, two chapters.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11585740/1/Kindle

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[from the things view ]

Apostrophe for possessive.

[They find her body sprawled out on the dew-covered grass somewhere beside an old church too old to keep running. ]

Really not how churches generally work.

[They take a step closer to her, and as they do a single thought runs through all of their minds: that this girl must be dead, and her soul damned for all eternity.]

Also not clear on why everyone seeing a weird mark on a dead body makes the jump to the person’s soul going to hell. A mark that means the person dies is enough, you don’t need to fiat that somehow everyone assumes it means you’re tortured forever because it sounds dramatic.

[They look at the girl on the ground with her fair face and flaxen hair, and wonder how much time she has left before that beauty turns sour. ]

Also the way you write as if this is only tragic because she’s pretty is rather fucked up.

[Wake up,” he coaxes, his voice gruff but meaningful, and his words urged with passion. “You must fight this, for you can be cured! Rise, young one, and feel the air around you, and the sun on your skin, and know that you are alive and well today, and you will be for longer. I know a man who can help you.” As careful as he can manage, he shakes her slightly. “You aren’t the only one who has been hurt like this, and with the man’s help you can be cured. So open your eyes!” ]

Why is he giving this ridiculous speech instead of just getting her help.

[He knows the truth of course: it’s something far less grasped. ]

Also your wording in generally is just so awkward and forced, like you’re trying way too hard to sound smart and tripping over yourself in the process.

Two.

We now move on to Oct 30th.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11587968/1/Resident-Hybrid-infection

Post crossovers in the crossover section.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Six, because haremfic.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11588031/1/Nightmares-Love-You

So the horrifying bit is how people here don’t even know what creepypasta is and just figure that if there’s cliches and words at the same time it counts?

Zero. Such a deserved zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11588587/1/Worlds-collide-Haloween-Special

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11588614/1/Requested-Pokemon-Fapfics

[“sh-shit! I’m about to cum!” the trainer abruptly shouted.
“no! no! pull out! pull out!” as she yelled her demand her legs straightened and pulled back and kicked at him with all the strength she could muster. Abby’s trainer groaned as he pulled back, his member covered by a thin latex as his cock twitched out in the open, his potential climax reduced to a mere spill.
“phew! that was close!” his girlfriend said]

…sex ed really failed you, didn’t it.

Six. Something is wrong with you people.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11588716/1/A-Lost-Soul

Halloween, being the holiday’s name, is capitalized like any other name.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[“Well neither do I.” Mike replied, bringing his sledgehammer back, and dealt a large blow to the wall. We both gasped in surprise as the wall, with a delicate appearance, stood without a scratch. Considering Mike’s strength, and what he did to the door earlier, that wall should have had a hole in it. Mike groaned in anger, as he took another, yielding the same result, and a third swing, which at this point, the result was predictable: nothing. ]

“with a delicate appearance” doesn’t make any sense. I’m guessing you mean “despite its delicate appearance” and even then it doesn’t make much sense because even a sturdy wall would be expected to at least have damage from a sledgehammer.

Also, this is really ramping up much too quickly. Allowing him to smash through the wall but only finding another room beyond would still be scary but still have the possibility that they’re just gotten badly turned around and the door is still around somewhere. It’s much spookier when people can’t directly confirm what’s going on – smashing through multiple rooms without coming to an outer wall is about as impossible as the impassible wall you have here, but it’s more complicated and confusing while allowing the false hope that despite all evidence, maybe smashing through another one will help.

[and zoroark  ]

When used as a name, it’s capitalized like any other name.

Also, random exposition visions is really sloppy writing, and the actual explanation for everything is poor.

Zero.

Seriously though, SLOW BUILD why is this so hard.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11588792/1/Some-Toys-are-Not-Meant-to-be-Played-With

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[When she walked the routes wild Mightyena would call their Poochyena pups back to her, and flee with tails under belly and pup gripped firmly by the scruff. ]

You can’t say both “their” and “her”. Also, you don’t need to use so many commas.

Honestly you’re probably better off without the whole paragraph, having everyone totally terrified of the doll is hard to believe and way too in your face when you seem to otherwise be going for unsettling horror. (Plus, just raises questions about why dark types would be so scared of a ghost type.)

[ Zoozy bought her happiness on the cold autumn days were she missed them ]

“where” probably?

Two.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11589259/1/Starlight

That was fun. I particularly like the description of [She moved a little closer, and he realized Her clothes weren’t clothes at all. ] because that really does hit the bizarre uncanny valley thing of the whole line. And the twist of an ending seems nicely satisfying and inevitable rather than just there to have a twist.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11589946/1/A-Mad-Kind-Of-Romance

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

And for god’s sake stop with “simply said”. Minimal adverbs is usually best and if you really must at least don’t keep using the exact same pair.

Two. Possibly because porn.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11589954/1/Project-D0-2

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[When going into expositions ]
…you should have realized it doesn’t need an “s” on the end.

[Inside lay what was once a small horse pokemon, a ponyta to be exact. However, the fiery mane, the cloven hooves, the tan fur, all the features that made a ponyta were no longer found in the creature. ]

Ponyta don’t have cloven hooves – their hooves are clearly solid in the art, the animal that makes up their name doesn’t have cloven hooves, and cloven hooves make for slower speeds than single ones.

[ It had been an act of self-defense, but instead he had sent the scientist to possible grave. ]

You really need to proofread.

[At first, Shun stood there confused, then the truth sank in. He gasped as his hand reached toward his waist. Everything went numb as he realized the pokeball was gone.
“You took Banette! You took my partner!” He shrieked]

This really doesn’t make any sense. Why go through all the effort for a pokemon that isn’t even especially rare?

Look, I get why you want him to get pulled into this, but you have to set up that there’s reason. Like having their need for fresh test subjects be a constant refrain, have workers getting sent out to catch pokemon and then eventually sacrificing their own, until it makes sense they’d steal the last couple pokemon available. Maybe even explain the reason they decided to do this with ghost types as being all the other ones were easier to work with so they used them first and killed them in the previous experiments, so ghost pokemon were the only ones they had left.

[The first civilization will be called Pallet, because we’re starting over with a fresh canvas. ]

Yeah but Pallet is already the town’s name. Not a good idea to end on the note of mangling the metaphor the games thought of originally.

One.

One Comment

  1. Negrek says:
    Pretty eh spread this year. Nice to see Sike putting something in, though.

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