Alright. I’ve been busy, mostly with life but partly with my own brain-eating fanfic (two chapters and twenty thousand words in!). Back months ago when I wasn’t half so busy, someone appeared to ask me to beta read their boy’s-first-power-fantasy-with-trophy-girlfriend fanfic. I attempted to direct them to someone else who might actually enjoy that. They attempted to tell me that actually I should totally read their story, with each PM making it clear it was even worse than I’d previously pictured, until ultimately it wrapped around to such loathing I agreed just to see how much worse it could be.
Possible Beta Reading
Hello, I have been writing for about a year, and am almost completely self taught, as my school ha taught me literally nothing abour proper writing. Anywho, I am here to request help in mainy fixing the first six chapters of my first story The Journey of Aura: Kalos Saga. It is a story that follows a boy by the name of Aura Borealis, and he is what is known as the Grand Guardian. The story will be divided up into six sagas, each saga taking place in a different region with a few years between each transition, and each saga will also be a seperate story, as I’d estimate the story will reach about 550 to 600 chapters, maybe even 700.
The story does contain lemons, but it is more focused on the plotline, as I have probably a good few years worth of stuff planned for future sagas. I have gone back to try and fix these chapters myself, but there are still some aspects I’ve missed while doing so. I am pretty confident in my writing capabilities in chapter seven and onward, but if you are able to help me fix the first six chapters, then I’d be very thankful. Even if you could just take a look at them, and then maybe direct me to someone else who would be able to help me, then I thank you.
If you want to see some of my more high quality writing, I do have two other stories up, A New Way of Living, and Guild of the Burning Fox. Thank you for your time.
May 30The beta reader thread on my forum is, unfortunately, the limits of my knowledge of beta readers. I would strongly suggest looking over the grammar thread, as there are grammar errors even in your most recent chapter.
For something projected to be hundreds of chapters long, it’d also help if you could give a better pitch for what the beta reader would be signing up for. All you’re saying here is the name of your original character (which means nothing much to me, who doesn’t know him) and how he’s going to get an original title (which again, I know nothing about), and that this stuff I don’t know anything about will be super long. You mention plotline is your priority, which sounds great, except you give me no real idea of what that plotline is. If this were a book, or series of books, what would be on the back? What would you tell people it’s about?
May 30Sorry for not including more info, I have a bad habit of rambling and I just try to keep stuff brief so it doesn’t get too annoying. Although, as for what the plot holds, I don’t want to reveal anything that is already planned to be revealed in a later saga, so I’ll try to summarize what I have planned for the Kalos Saga, and try to give at least some insight into what I have planned for later, I hope that’s understandable. Basically, you could look at the Kalos Saga as one giant proglogue, or at least half the saga. My chapter estimate for this sage would probably be around 80 to 100 chapters.
This story kinda revolves around Aura Guardians, but with a very specific twist and many details that I have planned to be revealed at certain times, but I can say a few of these details here: Aura Guardians have a natural understanding of the pokemon language, although they actully hear the pokemon’s normal speech, they can just naturally understand it… I think that’s all I can say for now.
In chapter eight, Lady Arceus explains to Aura what being the Grand Guardian means, mentioning that there was only one other GRand Guardian through all of history, though he was lost over a thousand years ago, but it is not explained exactly how he was lost, this is because Arceus is withholding some specific details about it, for a reason that is planned out and will be revealed in the next saga. But in short, the Grad Guardian is the leader of the Aura Guardians, with there being three lesser Aura Guardians with their own unique abilities (I’ll PM some quotes from Arceus since it would take a while to try and summarize it more).
Not much could probably be explained about Aura that wouldn’t need a whole lot of details, but I’ll see what I can do: For starters, Aura sort of radiates a specific aura that can affect the pokemon around him, for example, Diamond was scared of a lot of stuff, but the longer she was around Aura, she grew less timid and more bold.
Aura and Diamond were always destined to meet each other, their first interaction with each other showing that they both felt a special connection as they first locked eyes. To save some time, I’m just gonna keep this as short as I can: Diamond lost her parents to poachers when she was six, this left her deathly afraid of humans and she was first introduced to be very timid and cautious, which quickly changed as she spent time with Aura, the reason being the special connection they shared and the positive energy he radiated. I have a specific headcanon to explain why she ages at the same rate of a human, rather than a pokemon; and no, it’s not only her, but any other pokemon that are given a special… ‘ability’ I guess would be a good word for now, since I have a specific moment to explain it.
Now for a quick bit about the darkness he has to defeat: Aura is guided by Arceus to prevent a very powerful darkness from returning to the world. What this darkness is will be revealed later, but I guess I can say that it involves a corruption that affected hundreds a long time ago, and it’s a big part of why Arceus doesn’t reveal all the information until later.
I hope this was enough to go off for now. Even if you wouldn’t feel like beta reading the whole story, or even if you don’t know someone who could do that, I’ll say this now; I mainly need someone to help me fix the first six chapters. I have gone back to fix them a bit overtime, but I mainly want some help to double check, and maybe get some insight on what could be improved so people don’t just stop after reading the first chapter, because I notice a huge decrease in views and visits from chapter 1 to 2. I’d say chapters 1 to 4 or 5 are better than they used to be, even though chapter one is mainly explaining the start of Aura’s journey, ending when he meets Diamond, then immediately going to chapter two, which starts off right where chapter one left off, with Aura carrying Diamond out of the lab in his arms; but when it coes to chapter 6, it was intended as a filler, and I was rushing to get it done, so it didn’t turn out the best quality. Anywho, thank you for any help you can provide, and if you need more info, let me know.
May 30Here’s the first scene with Arceus speaking with Aura. It is from the very start of chapter 4, and Arceus’s dialogue is bold in the story:
Aura opened his eyes to see he was in a white room, “W-where am I? Diamond?! Prince?! Where are you guys?!”
“They are not here,” he heard a booming feminine voice say.
“Who are you?! Show yourself!” Aura shouted, looking around for the source of the voice, worried for the safety of him and his pokemon.
“Over here, my child,” the voice said. Aura spun around to see a large, white equine looking pokemon.
“L-Lady Arceus?!” Aura exclaimed as he quickly dropped to his knees.
“Rise, my child, this is no time for formalities.” Aura did as he was told, he stood back up and looked at Arceus confused.
“Why are you here, Lady Arceus?” He asked with a hint of worry in his voice.
“I have come to you because a great disaster is destined to befall upon the world,” she answered.
“Wha-what do you mean?” Aura inquired.
“A great evil, one that has been asleep for over a thousand years, will be re-awakened by an army of corrupted followers.”
“What?!” Aura could hardly believe what he was hearing, but he was always told by his mother that Arceus would use dreams to warn those with great power and importance about any impending disasters, so why would Arceus come to him? He was nothing special, but he had to know for sure, “Lady Arceus, why would you warn me about the disaster? What do I have that could help in any way?”
“You should give yourself more credit, my child, for you do, in fact, posses a great power beyond human belief, a great power that rivals the legends when used properly, a power that has never been seen before.”
“What kind of power?”
Arceus chuckled, “Do you remember how you felt the day you began your journey? When you first locked eyes with your partner?”
“You mean Diamond?” She slowly nodded, “Y-yeah, I felt something strong, I don’t know what it was or why I felt it, but it helped me decide on taking Diamond as my partner,” he paused, “did you have something to do with that?”
Arceus shook her head, “No, I do not have anything to do with your decisions, the strong connection you felt with Diamond was nothing more than destiny guiding you along the right path.”
“So you’re saying that I was meant to choose Diamond as my partner from the very beginning?”
“Yes, Aura. But, never forget how you felt when you first met, that feeling is the one, and only key to unlocking the true strength that resides within you, and the one you love above all others.” Again, Aura asked what she meant, “You may not know it now, but the one you love, and the one who shares your power and fate, is closer than you think, all you must do, is allow destiny to guide you.”
“You still haven’t told me what this power is!” Aura called.
“Do not fret, my child, everything I have said will be explained in due time, but for now, it is time for you to return to the waking world, and if you ever seek my guidance, all you have to do is ask, and I will answer.” The room began glowing a bright white that caused Aura to fall unconscious.
He woke up back in their hotel room, Diamond still sleeping beside him, and Prince still on the couch, “Thank Arceus, it was just a dream, but what did she mean by all that?” He thought. Unable to return to sleep, Aura got out of bed and walked over to the kitchen to start making breakfast.
May 30Here is the dialogue from chapter 8. It happens right after Aura had saved Diamond from falling to her death in Lumiose, and you’ll probably notice that it looks like Acreus isn’t telling Aura everything, but it does give a small explanation as to what the guardians are. Oh, and both are told from Aura’s perspective:
I awoke in a familiar white room, looking around I noticed Arceus was sitting on her throne, “What happened? Am I dead?” I asked her.
“No, you are alive, merely unconscious, the one you call Diamond was in grave danger, and you risked your life to save her, but you were severly injured in the process,” she told me.
“Is Diamond all right?” I asked, not even worried about myself.
“Yes, Diamond is doing well, she is currently by your side in the real world at a hospital.”
I sighed in relief, “That’s good, but, how am I alive?”
She chuckled, “I think you know the answer, did the truth not reveal itself as you fell?”
I rubbed my head, starting to feel a small migrain, “I-I remember something flashing before my eyes, but, it’s all a blur now.”
Arceus looked a bit saddened, yet at the same time, she almost had a glimmer of relief, “Perhaps the impact had caused some minor amnesia, remember what you can, for it will reveal the path of your destiny, remember.”
I thought about this as hard as I could, a few glimmers of memory coming back. As the haze around the truth lifted, my eyes widened in shock, “I’m… a guardian… I’m an aura guardain?!”
The legend nodded, “Yes, you’re a guardian, Aura, although you are far more important than just an ordinary guardian.”
“What do you mean?”
“The aura guardians are humans with special relations to pokemon and the world they live in, they are the protectors of peace and balance, and you, are their leader, you are the grand guardian.”
“I… I don’t understand, I mean, I know it’s true, but, it’s still so confusing.” I tried searching through my mind for any form of information about this, but everything was a blur, “I-I can’t find any memories about the guardians.”
“Do not worry, it was possibly just too much to take in at one moment, perhaps your memories will return, but for now, it is imperative that you continue your travels.”
“I would love to, but I’d imagine my body is royaly fucked up from the fall, I still don’t know how I was able to survive.”
Arceus shook her head, “It may have been an internal instinct that rescued you, and as for your body, I have contacted one of the many hidden aura guardians to assist in healing you, her name is Alice, a healing guardian; however, she will not be able to heal you immediately, but she will be able to greatly quicken the healing process.”
“Hold on a minute, what’s a ‘healing guardian’? Is there more than one kind?”
“Yes, in fact, there are three classes of aura guardians; first, there are battle guardians, their aura more suitable for combat and physical properties, then there are the healing guardians, able to easily manipulate their aura in hundreds of ways for medical purposes, and finally, there are the knowledge guardians, their aura similar to psychic abilities, though it comes much more naturally, and much less straining,” she paused for a moment, smiling at me, “and then, there is you, the grand guardian, capable of using the abilities of each guardian with much greater power, as well as having abilities only you can use.”
“So, that’s why you said that my ability was one that had never been seen before?” I asked.
“In a way, yes, but the ability I spoke of was the synchronization of your’s and Diamond’s auras, this was something no other guardian has ever accomplished, and the grand guardian is the only one capable of this ability. But, you should know that there was one grand guardian before you, he was lost over a thousand years ago to the darkness, the same darkness that threatens the world again.” The room began to glow brightly like the last time Arceus spoke to me, “Remember, if you ever need my guidance, all you need is to ask, and I will answer.” The room flashed one final bright light, causing me to black out.
May 30See, much like telling me your character’s name, this isn’t really plot. It’s more like possessions.
Your character gets this stuff, is very important, has this partner, and there’s all this destiny around them.
I’m assuming you have a whole string of events, and you don’t want to spoil them, but I’m not asking for discrete events. What I mean is, how would you summarize what your story is about?
I could describe one of my stories as being about a trainer who has an awesome unique device and finds a super powerful pokemon with a probably tragic backstory, but that isn’t what it’s about, that’s just items that are in the story. The story is about how humans and pokemon treat each other and the problems that arise/changes that people try to make, as reflected by a whole string of events that make up the story. I gave the trainer an awesome unique device because the awesome unique device has the potential to change a whole bunch of things about the setting, and because the fact no one else cares about using it establishes the current state of the setting. I threw in a super powerful pokemon with a probably tragic backstory because it gives me someone who isn’t familiar with how the setting functions, who’s exceptionally invested/trigger-happy on the main subject of how people treat each other, and whose issues/objections have to be addressed because they’re a walking nuke who could kill everyone if they hear something they don’t agree with.
What is the purpose of your character being a grand guardian in your story? What impact does Diamond’s trauma have beyond it disappearing when she meets Aura? Does it change anything about how she and Aura interact with other people, or feel about what their destiny is? How do Aura’s abilities, like being able to understand pokemon, change the way he acts compared to all the other people without them? You keep saying he’s very special and unique in lots of different ways, but what’s the point of all those things? How are they being used to tell whatever the particular story you want to tell? What /is/ the particular story you want to tell?
May 30Sorry about that, I guess it was the story summary you were looking for? If so, I have the summary used before I decided to split the story into six parts (It was always gonna be six sagas, but I decided to seperate them as their own stories for quality and tagging reasons), and I have a somewhat extended summary of the current one, and the summary for the next saga:
Aura’s original goal was to become strong, and win the Pokemon League, but when he meets his partner pokemon, that goal becomes something more. Follow Aura, a not so ordinary trainer, as him and his team travel around the globe, guided by Arceus to help those in need, and defeat those who wish to upset the balance of the world.
Kalos Saga Summary:
For years, Aura has wanted to prove a pokemon’s true strength is brought out by the bond they share with their trainers, but when he meets his destined partner, his goal becomes something much more. Follow Aura, a very special trainer, as he travels through Kalos with his team of pokemon, guided by Arceus along the path of destiny to discover his true purpose in this world, and what it truely means to be the Grand Guardian.Sinnoh Saga:
Seven years had passed since Aura first learned he was the Grand Guardian, destined with the purpose of protecting the peace and balance of the world, as told by Lady Arceus; but was everything she said really the truth, or is there more to it? Follow Aura, his mate Diamond, and their daughter Maria, as they travel through Sinnoh to protect it from an army of darkness.
May 30Diamond’s trauma is brought up a few times, and the death of her parents is actually a somewhat important part of the plotline, as Diamond’s father was a descendant of someone from long ago. In short of this, both Diamond and Aura have a connection with not only each other, but someone from the distant past.As they travel through the regions, more of Aura’s past is revealed, and in turn so is Diamond’s.
Also, when it comes to Aura being ‘an all powerful being’, that’s not entirely true, yet at the same time, it kinda is. Aura has strength that rivals that of a literal god, but at tje same time, he lacks the knowledge and experience to use it in such a way at the moment, it’s not until later on, when he actually starts training with the legends that he can actually use his abilities to their full extent, which take many many years of training.
Again, sorry that I’m not exactly giving you what you need, but I do have a few mental disabilities that might impact the way I read or write certain things, although I am decently intelligent, and once I pick up on how to do something, it becomes easier for me to do… maybe that’s why my writing was bad for the first few chapters, but got exponentially better overtime… Anywho, sorry for troubling you.
May 30[Diamond’s trauma is brought up a few times, and the death of her parents is actually a somewhat important part of the plotline, as Diamond’s father was a descendant of someone from long ago. ]
This is still stuck on “possession”. What her genes are doesn’t really have anything to do with how her parents dying impacted her. She went through a horrible thing, that involved humans hurting pokemon, probably by using other pokemon to do it, depending on how poachers work. She was terrified of humans and from what you’ve said she’s only treating Aura differently because he’s got “prevents you from being terrified of me” powers, not because she actually feels differently about what happened to her. She is now the partner of the person in charge of saving the world, and who is incredibly powerful. How do her past experiences impact how she feels about saving the world, and who she thinks she’s saving it for? How does she feel about the concept of balance when she spent so much of her life on the bad side of the scales? In what ways does how she feels about what happened to her parents change the story?What sort of people is Aura helping, and why? What does “balance” mean, and why does Aura support it, and why are there a host of people who apparently oppose it that he needs to stop? When there’s a conflict between people that isn’t related to his balance-protector destiny, whose side does he take? What happens if he and Diamond disagree? How does having godly powers change how he’d act or what he’d do compared to if he didn’t have them? Precisely how big of a number goes next to each stat isn’t important, it’s what he’s using those things to do. “Defeats the bad guys” is much like “has awesome powers” – it’s what you’re doing with it that makes all the difference.
May 30Okay, I realize that I’m not mentioning a lot of stuff, and certain things are in the dark for others, but what I am mainly needing is just someone who could help me fix errors in the first few chapters, and I don’t think all that info is neededfor someone to help correct minor mistakes. It would be much easier to understand if you just looked over the first few chapters, since it would probably take a long time just to type out the enitre plot. Just know that Aura and Diamond were chosen not only by destiny, but by their past. Diamond loves Aura, and promises to be with ehr to the very end, and after learning he was so important, she couldn’t help be be even happier about it. And Aura isn’t overly powerful until much later in the story, when he learns the real truth about who he is and why he exists.
May 30It’s needed to convince someone they’d like to go through the trouble of checking tens of thousands of words for minor mistakes.
If you want a beta reader, you need to find someone who thinks they’ll like reading your story to do so. For example, it sounds like I am not that someone, because, among other things, I don’t like female characters who exist to prop up male characters and have no feelings of their own. Figure out what your story has as a selling point, look at people who write similar stories, then try pitching it to them.
May 30Oh, if you were thinking that Diamond was just to prop up Aura, then you’d be mistaken. The entire plot is based around the two of them, yes the story is primarily about Aura, but Diamond plays just as big of a part, seeing as he can’t actually access these abilities without her, and the bond they share is the key to defeating the darkness that threatens the world.
She’s also not a normal pokemon, she was born as a Guardian Pokemon, which means she has a similar ability to Aura Guardians, but they are a little different, the aura
The plot literally revolves around them both, and the story wouldn’t exist without one or the other. Their bond is literally the key to defeating the darkness, and if she wasn’t imortant, then I wouldn’t have spent days on end planning her character.
I am someone who hates inequality, discrimination, racism, sexism, all that kinda stuff. And with Aura being able to understand pokemon, he has a greater understanding of how they feel, just as an example; when Aura first brought Diamond to the Pokemon Center after getting her, he told her that no pokemon will ever be considered as a tool, slave, or anything that would make her less than him in any way, and afterwards, he asked her if she would like a name, and after she says she would, Aura tells her that she can choose her own name, after which while they are walking down the street, Diamond sees a necklace in a window, a diamond necklace to be exact, and after Aura sees how she’s looking at it, he goes in and buys the necklace for her, and after he puts it around her neck, she decides on the name Diamond, after the first gift Aura ever got her. Amywho, that’s just an example to show how much Aura actually cares for his pokemon. And before he even learns of being an Aura Guardian, he makes a promise to Diamond that he will protect any pokemon he finds in danger.
Another example is when he first meets Prince, his Riolu; he’s going for a walk, and just so happens to stumble aacross a Riolu by a river, he decides to take a look, and notices a Mightyena nearby, so before the Mightyena can punce on the Riolu, Aura literally throws himself in front of the attack, not caring for his own safety.
May 31[yes the story is primarily about Aura, but Diamond plays just as big of a part, seeing as he can’t actually access these abilities without her]
If he couldn’t access his powers without a necklace, then the necklace may play a big part but still isn’t a person. Aura does indeed sound like he’s a kind and decent character! Unfortunately, Diamond still doesn’t sound like she’s one, and respecting her wishes doesn’t mean much if her wishes are just to support him. If her own wants and personality never impact the direction of the story, then she’s just there to prop him up.
[And before he even learns of being an Aura Guardian, he makes a promise to Diamond that he will protect any pokemon he finds in danger.]
But what about everything else? If someone has a pokemon they’re mistreating without putting in danger, what then? Does he care? Does Diamond care? Do either of them make any effort to actually seek out these problems and fix them, or is it limited to a quick punching of unlucky individuals who cross their path while they’re doing the standard destiny thing? What happens if there’s no pokemon left to defend, just the aftermath and some guilty humans? You said Diamond’s terrified of humans. When she becomes strong enough she doesn’t have to be afraid – what then? Would she have killed the poachers, if she could’ve? Would she want to kill other poachers for what they do? If not, why not, and does she want to do with her newfound power instead?
[Another example is when he first meets Prince, his Riolu; he’s going for a walk, and just so happens to stumble aacross a Riolu by a river, he decides to take a look, and notices a Mightyena nearby, so before the Mightyena can punce on the Riolu, Aura literally throws himself in front of the attack, not caring for his own safety.]
Or put another way – being a good person means little if you’re not tested, and kindness to others matters even less if they aren’t people in their own right to receive that kindness. If you’d jump to save any pokemon, but also you’re basically Superman so you’ll be fine and you’re promptly rewarded with the most popular pokemon in fandom for it… If you say you love somebody and will do anything for them, but then they don’t ask for anything…
From the sounds of this, that’s not really what your story is about, which could be okay. There are lots of things stories could be about. But personally I only find power interesting if it’s a question of what the person will choose to do with it and if there’s other people to be impacted by those choices, while I really don’t like stories where other people (girlfriends, pokemon, everyone) don’t have their own wants and feelings. You should work out what your story’s about, find people who have similar interests, and ask them to look at it.
May 31First off, the necklace has nothing to do with the powers, it was just a little token Aura got for Diamond to show he cared. Again, this is explained in literally the first two chapters. It is the bond Aura and Diamond share that unlock the true power, yes they are both powerful on their own, but the power that rivals the legends can only be accessed through the care Aura and Diamond share.
Your trying to make this more complicated than it needs to be. Aura cares about what his pokemon think, which, again, is explained in the firat few chapters of the story. Pretty much everything your asking is explained in the story.
As for what pokemon Aura gets, they have nothing to do with fandom favourites, the pokemon I give Aura are the ones I personally like, Lucario being my personal favourite.
If you actually took the time to actually read more than just the first chapter and the summary, then maybe you’d actually understand the plot, which is pretty much stated within the first few chapters of the story.
This is the last time I’m saying this, everything is literally exaplained in the first few chapters, but the problem is that unless the entire plotline is explained in the first chapter, then noone cares to even read it, which is pretty stupid considering a good story doesn’t always have to have everything thrown into one chapter, otherwise there’s no story, and it’s literally just a mess that someone was thrown into the middle of. I write my stories from the beginning, in this case, the start of Aura’s journey.
If you always think about every little detail to it’s base point, then reading and writing isn’t as fun. I write because I enjoy it, and all I need is someone to literally help give pointers on how to improve the first six chapters, not describe the entire story in one chapter. Maybe that’s why everyone justs turns away from chapter one, cause they want to be dropped into the middle of a story with no idea how anything happened, cause that’s pretty much what I’m seeing from you. You say you want to help but rather than actually try to find some support in the actual story, you just expect someone to write out every little detail they have so you can decide. That’s not helping in my oppinion.
May 31A story loses it’s meaning if you have to always explain every itsy bitsy detail just for someone to understand the plot, when you can literally get it within a few words. I have supplied plenty of information, more than I wanted to actually, just because you have to break down the storty farther than physically possible. It’s called a fanfiction for a reason.
May 31[First off, the necklace has nothing to do with the powers]
Yes. Because “If he couldn’t access his powers without a necklace, then the necklace may play a big part but still isn’t a person.” has an /if/ in it, as in, if she was not there and there was a necklace or a bracelet or a sword instead. It is saying that what you say about her could also be true of an inanimate object, and so has nothing to do with her as a character. You say she is important because she is an object he needs near him to use his powers.
[the pokemon I give Aura are the ones I personally like, Lucario being my personal favourite.]
That’s what I was getting at, yes. They’re many people’s personal favorite, which is why they’re the ones characters always find needing help rather than weedle and pidgey. Aura may be a good person and care about them as friends, but the distinction is lost if you view them as trophies for him to collect. Aura may view his girlfriend as his equal, but it doesn’t count for much if the story treats her as an object.
If the questions I’m asking, which are all about your characters’ personalities and desires, are irrelevant to your story, then again: it does not sound like something I would be at all interested in. You should just reply with “None of those things are important to me or my story.” Then go look for someone who is interested in the things that are important to your story.
May 31Again, everything is explained early into the story. Every character has a unique personality, Aura being a usual leader kinda character, though isn’t perfect in many ways; Diamond being a character who strives to overcome her fears, she may have been more calm around Aura, but it still takes her a while to fully adjust to being around many others, and she is also the second biggest character in the story; I’ve always seen Riolus and Lucarios as very noble and loyal to those they see as their superiors, and although Aura has asked Prince not to treat him as such, Prince sees Aura as a superior, calling him “Master Aura” for a good while; Stan (currently a shinx) being the most recent addition to Aura’s team (Luxray being my favourite electric type), he is usually pretty energetic, although matures as he evolves, which is normal for most pokemon. Trust me, I have the backstories of Aura’s pokemon planned out, and I’m actually planning a chapter that explains them all in full detail. But if you were looking for whether each character (pokemon or not) has their own thought and oppinions, then yes, I make sure to give them their own characters. And you’re probably gonna ask “Why does Aura keep them all in their balls?” that’s not so much on Aura, as itwould just get a bit too overwhelming with so many characters in one scene all at once, I’m still relatively new to writing, having been almost one full year, plus, even if I could write thwm all into one scene, it would get crowded eventually.Also, regarding that “weedle or pidgey” thing, Pidgeot just so happens to be one of my favourite flying types, and although I’m still in a bit of a debate of whether he’ll get one in a later saga, he will be getting a Starly in the next saga, also, I may put pokemon that a lot of people might use in their stories, but I try to make up for it by giving other trainers pokemn that aren’t quite as used, and even then, I’m going to be giving Aura more than just six pokemon, and a lot of them are probably pokemon you don’t always see in stories.
Anywho, I have no Idea why you keep trying to break down every little detail for every word spoken, but kust know that I have enough planned to know what I’m writing about, and how certain things that happen woll affect the outcomes of certain stuff later. Consistency with characters especoally is one of my strong suites in writing, as is coming up with impactful plot points almost on the fly. Other than needing a bit of work on very minor grammar and spelling mistakes that anyone could make while writing fast, I’m pretty much set in writing. In fact, if I had enough time to re-write chapters 1 through 6 on my own and make them as goo of quality as how I write now, I probably wouldn’t even need a beta for these. I am confident in my writing, and so long as some people enjoy it, I don’t care who doesn’t like it, cause I know that I am still learning more overtime.
What I’m getting from what you keep saying, is that you’re just trying to crush my dreams of being a good writer, rather than actually trying to help me. Everyone has different reasons and ways they write, just like everyone is entitled to their own oppinion. Now, it’s currently eleven at night, so don’t expect a reply to any further messages until morning.
May 31[What I’m getting from what you keep saying, is that you’re just trying to crush my dreams of being a good writer, rather than actually trying to help me. ]What I’m getting from what you keep saying is you won’t take a polite no for an answer. I will try one last time:
Your story does not sound like a story I would like. Your story very, very much does not sound like a story I would like, and this should’ve been obvious to you just by you looking at my stories or forum. Own whatever the hell your story actually is and find someone who would like it, instead of insisting that I must be confused to think I don’t like it.
May 31I am not saying that you have to like my story, I am just saying that not everything has to be broken down to it’s base components. As a writer, you underatand that a good build up is needed for a good story, yes? I do not really mean to come off as rude, as I am aware that everyone is entitled to their own oppinion. When I first started writing, someome known as St. Elmo’s Fire had left a review on this story, which from they way they said all the corrections and such, I assumed they were just trying to flame my story, and being new, I was a little more sensitive, so I ended up blocking them, until recently I actually unblocked them, curious about their true intentions, to which they replied that they were not actually trying to cause any harm, but were geniounely trying to help. I am wondering the same from you, yes being stern with this kind of stuff can be a good way to evaluate your writing, but it’s just the way it’s being portrayed that makes the difference. Being honest here, the way I am reading these more recent replies make it seem like you don’t have the greatest intentions in mind, however, I am aware that might not be true, you may actually be trying to help out, trying to get me to re evaluate my writing by breaking it down. So I apologize if I sound ungrateful, but I am really wanting some assistance for the fisrt couple chapters, not the whole story, just someone who could give some.pointers on small details that could be altered to draw in more readers.
Like I said before, I have actually thought of the characters I put in my story, I am 100% against discrimination, and maybe you are seeing Diamond as a way to push up Aura, but that’s completely not true. Diamond and all of Aura’s other pokemon play a huge part in the plot.
I didn’t want to say this stuff, since I want to build up suspense for later scenes, but you mentioned earlier about how their genes shouldn’t matter with the plot, but in actuality, they do play a semi important role.
[REDACTED for details, short version, names and powers and who gives the power and who inherits the power and how very big of a deal the bad guy’s powers are and how Aura’s (many, many) powers and inheritance is the most biggest deal.]
It’s a similar story for Diamond, however, [REDACTED for the same thing but shorter because it’s just about trophy girlfriend and not main character] Anywho, that is why her and Aura are connected so deeply, not only are they connected by destiny, but they are also connected by their past and lineage. And all this is meant to be revealed in the second saga, the Sinnoh Saga, where I actually have planned when it’s revealed, and how it affects Aura.
Again, I apologize for sounding ungrateful, but sometimes words can be misread easily. I am confident that my writing is very well done for the most part, and like I said before, consistency is not an issue with me, nor is character development, but I would just like some assistance fixing some minor errors in the forst few chapters. Chalter one was an intorduction to Aura, with the next few being ways to introduce Diamond and sorta explain the connection they share.
May 31Sorry for those minor letter errors, I am on my phone and I write quite fast when I know what I want to write.
May 31[but you mentioned earlier about how their genes shouldn’t matter with the plot]No, I mean their genes shouldn’t matter for their feelings. That if I ask how someone feels, telling me what their genealogy doesn’t answer my question.
Are you familiar with Naruto? Let’s just talk early Naruto.
If I asked, “What purpose does Sasuke’s brother killing everyone but him have on the story?” then, “To illustrate the power of the clan’s bloodline ability!” is a valid answer, as is, “To set up for the double special bloodline ability!” However, I would not find the story interesting if, “Sasuke becomes obsessed with becoming the strongest ninja, to the point he is willing to sacrifice his friendships and himself for this goal!” is not also an answer.
If I say specifically, “How was Sasuke affected by what his brother did?” the answer to that question isn’t, “Sasuke’s clan has a special bloodline ability!” Neither is it, “This can unlock a double special bloodline ability!” The questions I ask relate to what kind of thing I want from a story. That’s why I was asking them to figure out what sort of story you wrote and if I had any interest in it. I appreciate the demonstration of the special bloodline ability, I enjoy the discovery of the double special bloodline ability. But those are optional bonuses. I would not care about a story that contained just them and not Sasuke’s personality, but I would care about a story that lacked them but still contained Sasuke choosing to betray his village and his friends.
“How does Diamond feel about what happened? What will Diamond do as a result of what happened?” is the type of question I am interested in. Answering, “Diamond has a special bloodline! Diamond has a special destiny!” means you have no interest in this type of question.
[Diamond and all of Aura’s other pokemon play a huge part in the plot.]
I have no interest if their “huge part” is to be a special bloodline ability. When I say, “What impact do they have on the plot?” I mean, “What decisions do they make?” and not, “Does Aura need them to hit stuff harder than he can hit on his own?” Diamond saying that she thinks they should go off and hunt down poachers instead of what Arceus wants is her having an impact on the plot. Diamond helping Aura hit stuff is her being a magic power-boosting necklace.
[I am 100% against discrimination]
If an author says women are equals and more than just their physical appearance, and writes their main character as someone who treats women as equals and thinks they’re more than just their physical appearance, but the author also gives that character a supermodel girlfriend, then regardless of what the author says or the main character thinks, the story that results is not 100% against sexism. If I say, “I don’t read stories where the main character gets handed a supermodel trophy,” then “But I myself really value all women!” does not change the fact that the story does not do the thing I said I require.
If a character would behave kindly toward any women no matter how she looks, but the story takes place in a story where no ugly women exist, does it matter? If he cares what his pokemon think and want, but all they think is that he’s great and all they want to help him fulfill his goals, then does it matter? If I have no interest in a story where the side characters don’t have their own wants and desires, where beliefs aren’t tested and challenged, where people aren’t trying to change things, then does telling me you personally are very nice answer the question of I want from a story?
May 31I’m going to be honest, sometimes I don’t know exactly what you’re trying to ask, cause I feel I’ve answered some of these already. But I’m gonna be honest here.At the very begining, I never really had too much of a plan for the story, this was before the current plot was even figured out. In the original plans, Aura was literally based on my actualy personality, and somewhat my appearance, but I guess that’s not what your looking for.
I never really thought too much into why Diamond had fallen in love with Aura, but that’s where the debate with Yomara’s Delphox kinda takes play, if Yomara’s Delphox was female, then that could be a possible reason why Diamond suddenly had feeling for Aura early on, but please don’t make me delve too deep into it, as this story is pretty muh my fantasy of how I would like to view myself in this kind of world. Although, I guess Diamond actually falling in love with Aura was because of the care he actually showed her.
Regarding the equality thing, and about Diamond being a “supermodel girlfriend”, you are aware of the term pokephilia, correct? Well that will be a problem through thestory, although it has been dealt with in the form of a custom pokebal function, which I have the backstory to already planned out, but even though it isn’t illegal, and a majority of the population supports it, there are some who are against it.
Another thing is that Diamond’s past actually helps in certain situations, she feels even more compassionate and sympathetic towards pokemon who have been wronged, which during the story, there wil be many encounters of this. Again, Don’t know if that’s exactly what you were asking.
All I can say is that Diamond and Aura are the main characters, and they have equal importance to the storyline. And I feel that the sexism, or anything regarding Diamond being just a way to push Aura up, can be answered with just a few words; all of Aura’s pokemon have their own thoughts, as do every character in the story. Here’s an example that will occur later, and even though it is not about Diamond, it should hopefully give the idea of how I feel about giving each character their own thoughts and oppinions: Two of Aura’s pokemon, an Absol and Luxio, have a crush on each other, and while in the woods, those two go out for a walk, and on that walk, they find a young Eevee being attacked by a pack of Houndour and Houndoom, so they jump in to defend the Eevee, but after defeating the pack, and only the pack leader remains, the Absol is knocked out, and the pack leader threatens to rape her, but Stan, the Luxio, defends Tia, the Absol, and evolves to get rid of the Houndoom, after this is all said and done, they actually take in the Eevee as their own daughter. Then even later, Tia starts to question her abilities as a mother, since she had lost her mate and pup a few years back.
Here’s another example I thought of that actually regards how Aura feels about Diamond and her having her own thoughts and oppinions: Aura treats Diamond more like a human girlfriend/wife more than a pokemon, he even says that he doesn’t want her to participate in battles anymore after they have their daughter, but she actually enjoys battling at this point.
Another exmple: Before making a big decision, like participating in a large battle like a tournament, gym battle, or league, Aura will ask his pokemon before using them in battle, even if it doesn’t revolve around a battle, he asks their oppinions before doing too much. And all of the pokemon he has actually chose to go with him. Does that show how much each of his pokemon’s oppinions matter? Cause if not, then I clearly don’t know what does.
May 31Also, if you are really questioning whether I myself am against discrimination or not, I do have a story where the main protagonist is female. It’s called A New Way of Living, but I’m not gonna go into details about that, since it’s probably actually more successful than The Journey of Aura.
Also, I don’t know very much about Naruto, but that kinda brings me to a question: Say you’re watching a movie or something that you’ve never seen before, would you rather watch it from the very beginning? Or be dropped in halfway with no idea what’s going on or who any of the characters are? In my writing, I want people to see everything from the beginning, that’s why I was requesting help to get some help and insight on how to improve the first few chapters of my story. There is a large decline in views and visits from chapter 1 to 2, and I don’t know if it’s because the first chapter is pretty much just to introduce Aura, and give a bit of insight into this world, while the next chapter was mostly to introduce Diamond as a character. I also have in the AN of chapter one that I was sorry for the poor quality of chapters 1 through 6, but chapter seven and onwards was much better. This is why I was asking assistance, since other than maybe some Semi colons and a few minor spelling errors that anyone could make, I’m pretty confident in my writing abilities.
May 31[Also, if you are really questioning whether I myself am against discrimination or not]I’m not. I just think you’re not interested in telling a story that is about being against discrimination. That’s okay. I don’t write stories about environmentalism even though I support it. However, if someone said, “I really like stories that are pro-environment!” the fact I am pro-environment isn’t relevant, it’s whether or not my stories are pro-environment. If someone said, “I really like to read stories where people have different opinions and don’t all agree with the main character!” I would say they would probably like my stories. If someone said, “I hate it when nice people disagree with each other, why can’t the good guys all get along with the main character?” they would probably not like my stories, and perhaps they would like yours instead.
[this story is pretty muh my fantasy of how I would like to view myself in this kind of world]
The thing is, that means it’s a story where only the main character matters, and I like stories where everybody matters. You shouldn’t try to present it as being what I’d like, you should find somebody else who actually would like it.
If the main character is someone they can insert themself into and they like uncomplicated situations where the good guys are good and the bad guys are bad, then they will probably like it. But I can’t insert myself into your character and I find complicated situations more interesting – I’m concerned about what Diamond wants, I’m wondering if he’d save the pokemon if it was a weedle and not a riolu, I’m unhappy with the idea of fighting for balance rather than change and improvement. I’m not someone who likes reading this type of story, and I don’t want to beta read a story I don’t want to regular read.
May 31Even though this story WAS a self insert before, it’s not anymore. And again, it’s not only Aura that matters, but all the main characters.
Here, I’m going to give another example, and this is something that becomes a flaw for Aura later on: [REDACTED for details, basically Aura will black out and do evil because somebody else possesses him]
And as I’ve said before, every character is entitled to their own opinions and such, Aura treats his pokemon with respect.
Also, what I mean by balance and peace, is also refering to [REDACTED for details, basically “the thing Aura does in this story, he continues to do it later too”]
Of course Aura would save a Weedle, it’s a pokemon, isn’t it, and before this comes up, I’m going to say that some pokemon can be used as food, but a special permit is needed to even raise these kinds of pokemon to use as food, not to mention sell it. And yes, Aura does eat meat, so do some pokemon, as the food chain exists, and even in the anime and games, it can be seen that the food chain exists, like before Ash caught his Pidgeotto it tried to eat his Caterpie, and how some pokedex entries mention how some pokemon catch their prey. But this doesn’t really have anything to do with plot.
And I will say this again, Aura allows his pokemon to do whatever they like, so long as it’s not illegal which should be obvious; if they don’t want to battle, they don’t have to, if they want to just pop out whenever they want, they can, also, when Aura first got Diamond, he asked her if she’d like to battle at all, and back then, she didn’t want to since she felt she’d be useless in a fight, however, she winds up fighting for Aura in the first gym battle, which Aura said she wouldn’t have to do. He literally chose her for not only the connection they felt, but because he didn’t want Diamond to be alone any longer, which is explained in chapter 1 of the story.
Anyway, after this I keep insisting that he can’t say his character respects pokemon if every one he ever meets does nothing but agree with him and never tells him no, and the author says it’s not like that at all, his character deeply respects their wishes, and lists off how every pokemon Aura will ever trip over in this five million chapter story really wants to join Aura and how they each convince him they want to join his team and do exactly what Aura wants.
Finally, he tells me, “It’s kinda hard for them to say no when Aura doesn’t actually ask” and I decide if I already had to listen to this story in PM and waste this much time talking about it, fuck it, formal reviews it is.
The deal is this – he reviews Lucki, every other chapter so he’ll get to Ch12 while giving six reviews. It’s obvious that I can’t seem to communicate anything when I tried to talk about his story with his self-insert power fantasy, but maybe he’ll be able to see it when it’s somebody else’s story done by a character who isn’t his and is a girl on top of that.