17 DecShriayle

Hello! Seeing as I don’t really like to be a writer for a specific fandom, I find it no quandary to simply disregard anything that someone says based on someone else’s opinions on them. You do have quite a few points that I find interesting, but I’m going to be my typical self and respond to every aspect of it that I can to hopefully shed some light on why I am, as my roommates say, “like this”.

On the whole, I tend to write with the idea of conveying what’s happening rather than straight out writing it all out. Some choices in sentence structure and wordings are meant as a way to draw out the time it takes to get an idea across or bring about a sense of movement that words alone can’t really give. This will probably make a few of my replies a bit easier to parse out. Also, I’m mostly going in order that you listed things in.

On the descriptive Pokemon descriptions, I wrote the first section and the second section to be by two different third-person narrators. The descriptions for both Persian and Riolu that I used was meant to paint the scene; as much as you say it’s not necessary to describe them, in that moment it didn’t matter what species of Pokemon that they were. What mattered to me was the image of the Pokemon standing on opposite sides, minds racing and taking in the entire chaotic situation. Simplifying their descriptions down to their species names gave too clean a flow for that moment, if that makes any sense.

The physical data was Porygon itself, not a move any of the Pokemon performed. In its panic it was losing and regaining control over itself, if that makes any sense.

The abrupt scene transition (which has been pointed out before, lol) was again meant to imitate the suddenness of Mewtwo’s teleportation. It might be more of a headcanon, but I always viewed teleportation as so instantaneous that it makes your head reel and you need a second to take in your surroundings. Adding the break gave the reader’s mind too much of a boundary at which they could realize, “Ah, that’s probably where the gang’s all going” or whatever equivalent subconscious thought.

Honestly, I had the Pokemon species names/Pokemon/Pokeball all as lowercase until the last second when I decided it looked really strange and made them all uppercase. As I’m writing this next chapter, I’m realizing my folly– there are way too many capitalized nouns happening. I’ll probably switch them back once I finish this chapter’s draft.

Lance is fully aware; as Deino wasn’t wildborn, she’s a much calmer example of her species (meant to be implied by how she was a gift from another Dragon Master as opposed to caught in Unova). Truly, Lance wouldn’t have let her out of her Pokeball on the way to the training grounds if he didn’t know that she wasn’t as aggressive as her species usually are.

The bracketed things were Lance’s observations/his thought process and meant to be read as an intrusion of his thoughts onto the narration, rather than descriptive elements.

I… didn’t even notice that. Whoops. I’ll redo that set of sentences.

Hmm, yeah, another case of my bad editing. I meant to say that he wasn’t well-fed but still mostly healthy, I think. I’ll figure something else out.

Thanks for the pause in concrit to talk about details that you did like, lol. Porygon’s physical form is still primarily light, to be fair, and Agatha’s shadow is simply haunted by most of her ghosts, though that specific detail was indeed inspired by psychic-aligned trainers not being special.

I actually think I adapted the telepathy descriptions from a HTTYD story, now that I think about it, but they were originally meant to convey Pokemon/animalistic thought. Despite what Warriors Cats wants us to believe, animals don’t really string words together the same way that humans do, and I want to play with the idea of Ash and Mewtwo learning Universal vs the Pokemon language that they’ve both grown to learn and use. What Ash is saying whenever he makes those odd noises (as is seen in the first section) is very similar to what Mewtwo’s telepathy is saying, as it’s the only way that they really know how to communicate with each other to a highly successful degree (though Mewtwo does know some basic Universal. More on that comes later in the story).

What’s with these errant quotes? Ugh.

I promise you that this story will pick up its pace; exposition with a sort of new world is always difficult to slog through and I really just wanted to get most of it out of the way so that I could just dive into the main action, which starts next chapter actually. And I generally write these way too late at night and edit them slightly earlier in the evenings, which you can probably garner from how stream of consciousness it all sounds at times.

Feel free to PM back for more explanations; I’ve been aiming for longer chapters and I’m only at 2000 words atm so it might take a little while longer to get the next one posted for you to concrit this intensely.

17 DecThe Blessed Writer

Again, I just want to thank you for the review and I’ll start implementing your advice into my next chapter!

I kept getting people telling me nasty things about you, to which I’m honestly still confused.
You provided excellent grammatical help, and I do understand that this story is a tad… uninspired.

Honestly, I understand it’s not my strongest work (For reference to my better work please see my other series; however, my grammar has always kinda sucked).

I don’t plan on keeping this story up on this or AO3, but thank you again.

18 Dechalo3vsloz

This is also over on QQ (Questionable Questing) but my beta didn’t like it because it didn’t focus on Ash or Misty, ETC.

Needless to say, I don’t use that beta anymore.

As for the tense, thanks for the advice, I’ll take it into consideration.

Along with the summary and the title as well. It’s called Get Jynxed over there, so I might change it to that.

All in all, thanks for the advice.

18 DecWR63

Hello!
Apologies for the short chapter, it was ment to be more of a prologue than an actual chapter. There the fault was mine for not labeling it as such, something I will remember for future reference.
I am also aware of the vagueness of direction. This is a stylistic choice, that the reader will not know much more than the character.
Thank you for your review.
I hope you enjoy the story.

19 DecShadaki

“[The former suggested either even less degrees of freedom than UXIE thought existed]

In this construction, you want “fewer”. I believe the distinction is that “fewer” is for discrete amounts, while “less” is for unmeasurable differences – “less sand”, “fewer grains of sand”.

[nor be able forming memories about specified locations]

It looks like a word was dropped here.”
Thank you. I missed that.

“I don’t understand this.

This does provide helpful context for “What Uxie Knows”, but I still feel like this observation doesn’t add much – going too meta just makes it impossible to engage with the story, to me. It’s hard for me to tell if this is supposed to be silly or serious, but I feel it only really works as the former.”

I’m realizing that I probably should have waited to post this and “What Uxie Knows” until after I finished my various other Legendary Pokémon Stories – and as such be an explanation for Uxie acting weird. But its probably too late now.

Why did I get this message telling me to block you? A person PMed me, telling me all this horrible things, saying that if I don’t block you with other people, he/she will simply get mad. Why is this?

As someone new to the website, I gotta ask, why the negative stigma? You seem reasonable :/

Also, my PC access to is limited, so if you’d like to chat in detail, just hit up my discord: [REDACTED]