People continue to be very calm and reasonable.
Thanks for the detailed review. Made my day! I’ve fixed the grammatical errors you mentioned and clarified that bit of dialogue. (I’m unsure where the typo is in “he asked when the silent grew stifling”, though. I checked the spelling of stifling.)
Some other points you brought up, that I wanted to reply to:
-Thanks for the feedback on the plot, that it meandered. One of my fears while writing this was that certain points were made strong enough, but it looks like I’ve swung in the other direction. While IRL conversations can often go back and forth, that’s tedious and not-so-necessary in fiction (esp for a 18k word oneshot :P). Looking back, I could have probably just left Silver’s mobster life in his flashbacks/narrative instead of bringing it into Clair’s stuff.
-And yes, Silver is such an extra kid. Pokemon characters never get that much characterization, but based on the bits we do have of him, he strikes me as a theatrical and a bit overcompensating. Someone who’s certainly sensitive, but tries really hard to seem strong and scary.
-I too am not that big a fan of romantic plots where they just need to…communicate. I do think Silver has enough issues that he would underestimate the importance of talking it out; he might assume, for instance, that admitting fault would only lead to punishment. I could have written this less tediously, though. (But it does annoy me greatly when confident and straightforward characters in books and movies suddenly beat around the bush when their crush/SO/fiance(e) walks in the room.)
-I also agree about Clair. People like to lewd her, but they don’t give her much real consideration. Though her over-the-top arrogance makes for a fun one-time personality, it can’t sustain an entire character. In real life, even the most grandiose of people have other things going on.
-Type personalities: It’s definitely more scientific than astrology, haha. I think its main dangers are that people may take it *too* seriously. After all, there is still a large amount of variation within each pokemon type. For instance, arresting someone just because they have an absol would…suck.
-Shipping names do make sense in that Pokemon’s fairly international, though they are confusing as hell, especially when people randomly make them up. (I saw someone ship Ash and Janine in their fic and just term it…Magentashipping…) I figured the ships themselves were written out in the listed characters, so soulsilver and blackthorn were mainly there in the off chance somebody only knew Silver/Lyra and Clair/Lance by those names…
Anyways, thanks again for reviewing! Feedback’s hard to come by, so it’s good that you’re giving some.
[he asked when the silent grew stifling]
I figured that should be “when the silence grew stifling”.
[For instance, arresting someone just because they have an absol would…suck.]
Oh no, I can definitely both see that being a thing ancient Pokeworld society would do and something that would be a big political issue in the present. I was thinking of it just as a cultural thing, like how we see astrology now, but if it influences public policy it makes sense for people to be twitchy about it.
Re: meandering, maybe the issue is that you were effectively telling multiple completely separate stories with this — Clair’s backstory, the vaguely-mentioned war, an apparent alternate history where Giovanni was champion (unless that’s canon to the manga, I haven’t read it), Silver’s backstory, Silver’s version of canon events, and Silver’s AND Clair’s separate romantic plotlines. There’s a lot going on in this one oneshot! I don’t know if this is already part of a larger series for you, but if you’re interested in exploring this further, it might help to separate those plotlines into separate stories that can give them each the focus they deserve.
[While I appreciate that you aren’t capitalizing the word “pokemon” itself, species names shouldn’t be capitalized either, for the same reasons.]I don’t capitalize the word pokemon because I don’t really care about branding, but because of the copyright it should technically be Pokemon. Like Kleenex or Advil. I capitalize individual pokemon names because for many pokemon that is their proper name, like how Ash’s Pikachu is called Pikachu and Meowth from Team Rocket is Meowth. Also, genus names are capitalized, like Homo sapiens, and since there is no binomial nomenclature in the world of pokemon, I capitalize the name of the pokemon to be safe.
[Something seems to have gone wrong here.]
Something did go wrong here, thanks for catching it. I don’t know how that one slipped past me, but you got me to take another pass over the document and I caught another typo. Thanks again.
[That sure says a lot about trainer culture.]
I’m not sure what you mean here.
[The rest of the story is in past tense, so this should be as well.]
That part is past tense. For example: I did know, or I turned the oven off knowing that if I didn’t the casserole would burn.
[When narration doesn’t describe how dialogue is said, it’s its own sentence and is punctuated accordingly.]
I changed that part a little because I do want to be more descriptive in my writing. Hopefully in my future works this would not apply at all.
[You should probably tag for all the mind control and dubcon in this.]
Sorry, I’m still new to this cite and writing in general. I don’t really know the etiquette for this kind of stuff yet. I tagged it on A03 when I first posted, and I have changed the summary to include that on here after I saw your comment.
Thanks so much for your feedback. Hope you look over my future works in such detail, too. Have a nice day!
FFN doesn’t have dedicated tags like AO3, so generally authors put trigger warnings in the author’s note here.
[I’m not sure what you mean here.]
Daphne considered hunting down a rare pokemon more important than saving the world from criminals.
If you think about how players treat shiny hunting and apply it to an actual story, the behavior is monstrous. It’s complete objectification of the pokemon, and the amount of time and energy required to accomplish it means sidelining any other productive goal. It shows you care more about collecting pokemon like trophies than any actual heroic exploit. It’s very, very hard to have anyone engage in it and convince us they’re still a good person.
[FFN doesn’t have dedicated tags like AO3, so generally authors put trigger warnings in the author’s note here.]
Okay, I’ll try to do that from now on.
[Daphne considered hunting down a rare pokemon more important than saving the world from criminals.]
I have a couple of response to this, if you’ll hear me out. At the time of the Kalos Power Plant, you don’t really know yet that Team Flare is all that evil. Like, they’ve been jerks, but I don’t recall any criminal acts. As for player behavior, I don’t think you can apply that to a story. No one plays a game like they behave in real life. And Daphne did not go out hunting for a shiny Gibble. Daphne is me, I’m Daphne. This story was based on my recent replay of Pokemon Y. I’ll admit that I was looking for a good natured Gibble because I wanted to make a competative team, but the Shiny was actually the second one I ran into. Compared to the hours I spent looking for a good natured Ralts, I don’t think I even spent ten minutes looking for a Gibble.
The Garchomp in the story desired Daphne since he was a Gibble, and I personally took finding a shiny on my second try as fate, like that Gibble approached me itself. This is backed up by the fact that the pokemon you encounter in that zone are bubbles of rock that charge at you.
Besides, I never said Daphne was a good person. Does it ruin your enjoyment of the story if the main character isn’t heroic?
I’m interested in hearing what you think.
[Does it ruin your enjoyment of the story if the main character isn’t heroic?]
No, and if you’re willing to acknowledge that that’s fine. (See also Pocket Mortys, which is a great game.) But like I said, applying the behavior of a player, who is extremely detached from events and playing to win, to a character within a story can make things get weird fast.
Thank you very much for your review!
I will be using your critiques to improve my writing.
Thank you for the advice and the polite way you expressed it. I’ll take what you said to heart.